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Original poster

How to respond to 'why aren't you two married yet?'

68 replies

MrsPilkington · 30/07/2015 11:57

We get it an awful lot. Usually off his side of the family who swing between berating us for not being married and telling me I'm not good enough for him. So, purely because 'we aren't in a rush' is getting boring, and 'because I asked him and he said no' is slightly embarrassing, what would your hilarious replies be to stop this constant question but also to liven up the endless family occasions in which I find myself being asked.

OP posts:
Furball · 30/07/2015 12:42

I'd say - Are you kidding? no way am I having that surname

umiaisha · 30/07/2015 12:44

I always say because we have better things to spend our money on!

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 30/07/2015 12:45

Some very clever replies Grin
(Wish I could have thought of some of them)
DP and I have been together for nearly 30 yrs, have two adult children, but we still get these comments. I usually just yawn and change the subject.
Will be storing away some of these quips for our next 30 yrs though! Wink

OnlyLovers · 30/07/2015 12:45

That's our business.

chariotsofire · 30/07/2015 12:45

I used to find that saying we/ I didn't want to led to conversations where they tried to convince me how great it was to be married.

I wanted to get married AGES before DH did but looking back he thought I didn't want children as we hadn't discussed it for years, my wanting to get married was because I had decided I did want kids but wanted to be married first. I hope our communication skills have improved since then!

I don't think a lot of the time it is people being thoughtless, I think they are nosy and want to know what's going on in someone else's relationship and imagine there is sone dirt to uncover.

DinosaursRoar · 30/07/2015 12:49

I think you should stop protecting him, I'd go with a blunt "because he doesn't want to, you'll have to ask him why not."

Although frankly, your problem is your DP, if you already have one dc and another on the way and you have made it clear you want to get married by asking him, what point in the future is he waiting for? What will he think will have changed "one day" when he will want to marry you?

with 2dcs, it seems a bit cuntish to still be making your mind up about if you want to commit to their mother...

If the reality is that he doesn't want marriage at all, then he should be honest enough to tell you so you can financially plan/sort wills/decide if this is enough for you - "one day" sounds a bit cowardly. If he does want marriage to you, he should be able to articulate why (with 2dcs) he's not ready for that now (eg family expectations of a big wedding you can't afford for a few years coupled with long engagements not being the done thing).

plinkin · 30/07/2015 12:52

My DP and I have been together for 12 years and our families gave up asking after 6 and moved on to 'so when are you having children' Hmm

I tell them that we can only just about look after ourselves, let alone look after kids!!

We're in no rush to marry (obviously Grin) and made the mutual decision not to have kids. We love our life and feel no need to have it any other way. Smile

DinosaursRoar · 30/07/2015 12:56

Oh and the problem you have is that you do want to get married, most of the best responses to this question are a variation of "we don't want to". But that's not really a valid answer if on your head you're thinking "I don't know! I want to be!"

Not wanting the standard "norm", be it marriage, children, buying property and settling down in one place etc. is fine, but only if you are open with your DP about it and not string them along thinking you will want those standard norms at some point.

Longtalljosie · 30/07/2015 13:12

But without wishing to be rude - they're on to something, aren't they? It's one thing entirely to be happily unmarried, another for him to keep you dangling with a "one day". How old are you, and how long have you been together? I ask only because in the past few years I've witnessed a couple of lovely friends who've been kept on the never never for years and years find themselves suddenly single at pushing 40 Sad

Original poster
MrsPilkington · 30/07/2015 13:14

He is an angel of a man and completely devoted to me, I am not concerned that he wants to wait. I originally asked him because we were expecting our first and whether I like it or not, I am old fashioned. I do not crave a big day, nor a million guests and canapés. I want the same name as my babies, nothing much deeper than that really. I made a joke about giving the next one my surname to make it even Grin I don't think he was sold on that. Any way, I digress, he does want to get married but unlike me a big day with the entire family is important to him, he said he feels although we are getting by financially just fine, he intends to get married once and once only so he doesn't want a budget to have to be strict with so he wants to wait until there is spare (snort) money, and as we already started our family he would like to finish it so that all of our babies get to share our day with us. I can't argue with any of that really Smile
His family will never stop asking, they are very overpowering and opinionated and don't get my blunt sense of humour, so it's enough for me right now to be able to shake up the responses and get some giggles out of their reactions

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsPilkington · 30/07/2015 13:15

And I am 26, he is a year older, we have been together five years now.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsPilkington · 30/07/2015 13:18

Oh and until I am not breastfeeding a small so that we can have a nice weekend honeymoon while the mil has the children (I think I'd rather she came on the honey moon with us than had sole care of my children for the weekend Grin)

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 30/07/2015 13:28

Such a rude question! I would actually be honest and say "I wanted to get married before we had DC1 but DP wanted to wait." or just "If you must ask, ask DP".

I'm guessing you already know that being unmarried with children, you're nowhere near as protected legally and financially as you would be if you were married?

Original poster
MrsPilkington · 30/07/2015 13:32

We have some things in place to make sure I am in a fair position God forbid any thing go wrong between us or happen to either of us, I insisted as soon as small number one was born.

OP posts:
SanityClause · 30/07/2015 13:34

What ButterDish said.

CactusAnnie · 30/07/2015 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CactusAnnie · 30/07/2015 13:44

This reply has been deleted

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GasLIghtShining · 30/07/2015 13:44

OP - If you have things in place it's not such an issue. Dh and I were together for 20 years before marrying. Had 2 DC. House in joint names and wills leaving everything to each other, policies to cover mortgage in case of death.

The one thing which made us get married was the fact that his works pension (not sure about mine but it was a lot less than his so not such an issue) would not come to me if we weren't married. We are a good few (and a lot more added) older than you so these things start becoming important. Not the most romantic reason for marrying but he didn't want to leave me without the income when the time comes.

CactusAnnie · 30/07/2015 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MrsPilkington · 30/07/2015 13:53

Woahhhh I must be terrible at explaining things because every time I post something it gets taken completely out of context.

He has NOT insisted the children have his name at allllll. I did, as I've already said, I'm the traditionalist. I made a joke to him about the next one having my surname which he thought was silly, as then they will have different names at school and we would have to change it when we did get married.

I am the bollshier of the two of us, I can assure you I don't need to grow any thing. Execpt perhaps better writing skills.

I don't want this to become a man hating post towards him because he doesn't think the timing is right, I certainly wouldn't be pushed in to something I wasn't ready for. He is a wonderful man, and a fantastic father, I am the more sensible and realistic one and he is the romantic dreamer, he certainly isn't walking all over me.

Now, can we get back to amusing responses. Thank you please

OP posts:
specialsubject · 30/07/2015 13:56

marriage has no effect on surnames unless you want it to.

in the UK, it gives a lot more rights and protections, especially if you have kids and when someone dies. You can set up quite a lot of the equivalents separately, but it costs a lot more.

so if you've got kids it probably is worth a cheap slot at the registry office. Grab a couple of mates for witnesses, job done. Only 15 mins.

sod romance, use your brain.

specialsubject · 30/07/2015 13:57

sorry, not amusing - but financial and life planning rarely is. It is even less amusing if you don't do it.

PaulineFossil · 30/07/2015 13:58

We used to get this lots. Dh was once asked ' So, do you want to get married?' and responded quickly, 'Well, I'm honoured that you've asked me, but honestly I think we'd better not as it might upset Pauline.'

After that we both used the line whenever we could as it always stopped the conversation dead :-)

CactusAnnie · 30/07/2015 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Changebagsandgladrags · 30/07/2015 14:02

Just say, we can't find anyone who will marry us because of my past...