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Original poster

I think the time has come where I don't want DS living here anymore. I don't know what to do

36 replies

Shinyshoes2 · 16/05/2015 12:39

I think this is the hardest thing I've had to do.
DS1 (17) has been arrested AGAIN.
this is the second time he's been arrested in the last few months but he's had a few brushes with the Police ..Minor antisocial stuff mostly.
Bit of background
DS has always had a bit of an attitude and been a bit gobby, mainly as a front in front of his school friends and friends and anyone that'll look ....He was kicked out of school. Not for anything major, but they couldn't be seen to give him ANOTHER warning about his actions, his attitude, and just turning up to school when he pleased and doing what he pleased.
He then went to a unit.
He came out with very little in the way of GCSEs ...a couple B's the rest E's ungraded etc.
He's never wanted for anything , we've bought him clothes, given him money when we could, ( mainly me to be fair) giving him love and attention, taking him on holidays when we could afford it, nice trainers, nice coats etc.
Early hours this morn I got a missed call. Again my DS giving my phone number as he's dad is very " he got himself into this mess, he can get himself out of it " attitude, from the local police.
Theft of a motorcycle.
This is the first time he's been in trouble for anything this serious, the other time, a few months back, was for littering a cigarette butt, but because of the attitude of him , his refusal to pick it up and the frequent brushes with the law, they are sick of him and wanted to make an example.
He had to attend 8 sessions of a Youth Offending Scheme, talking about drugs, alcohol, taking responsibility for yourself, help in finding work, etc.
He failed to turn up to any of them .......his reasons " they ain't gonna send me to court for littering, it'll cost thousands and they've got bigger fish to fry etc "
Again.. DP has refused to bail him out , telling the police that no he won't be the appropriate adult, he's busy
I'm sick with a stinking cold and quite frankly don't want to again. I'm always wiping his fucking backside, mollycoddling him, doing anything to keep the peace and show him I'm always there no matter what. Last time ( for the littering ) I had to leave work early to go get him .....
He has no job,no intention of getting one, he got a Saturday job a few weeks back but he pissed off yesterday round a friends for a few days so it looks as though he had no intention of going to this Saturday job today, only getting it to keep us off his back I suppose.
He's 18 next month. He's fucked if this had happened then and I don't think he realises that.
I don't know what to do. He talks to me like shit...never to his dad...he's dad wouldn't stand for it, goes on and on and on and on about me giving him money until I feel bullied and pressured into doing it. Which I have done ....I'm sick of him and to be fair don't want to look at him.
I have 2 other children to think of, he's sworn at my youngest (7) and generally comes home to shit shower and change.
We do make him do the school runs as we feel if he can't contribute financially then he has to contribute in other ways whilst me and his dad work ....
What now???? WWYD ...they'll have to release him soon and I don't want him here. I know what'll happen, he will give me a filthy look because I wasn't there to wipe his arse again, shower, change then piss off out getting me worried til I beg him to come home.

Then what ??

OP posts:
QOD · 16/05/2015 12:50

Send him to his dad's and refuse. It may shock him but you can't carry on
Not fair on you or do or the younger. And if his dad won't? Tough
He'll soon miss money

WhoNickedMyName · 16/05/2015 12:54

I can't work out if his dad is your DP?

Spidergirl2015 · 16/05/2015 12:57

He sounds like he needs you. I wouldn't turn my back on him but at the same time I wouldn't be bullied by him. You need to teach him respect and the first step is to respect yourself. How can he learn that if you don't? Stop giving in to him. Stop Molly coddling him. Make some ground rules and stick to them. Give him NO money. He can come to you for food and drink. He can work for his clothes. Be polite and respectful and hopefully he will learn to do the same.

You are setting him up for failure if you turn your back on him,

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BeaufortBelle · 16/05/2015 13:06

Who's he mixing with op. Where's the attitude coming from? Stealing a motorbike is pretty serious - he must need the money behind it. If he's been in a pru he might be mixing with the fringes of gang culture. Are drugs involved?

My sob was vile at 17 - nothing like this though and my heart absolutely goes out to you.

The words boundaries and zero tolerance spring to mind but it's easier said than done.

I always told mine I'd always love him but wanted to like him too.

Do you live with his dad. I'd let his dad take the lead now.

ltk · 16/05/2015 13:18

Do you have anywhere to send him, maybe to a relative?

Original poster
Shinyshoes2 · 16/05/2015 13:22

His dad is DP we are unmarried, we live together had 3 children but never got round to marrying.
DP wanted to kick him out the last time, but it was me who begged him not too as I didn't think the punishment fitted the crime.
However, this has gone from antisocial behaviour to theft. A whole different league.
My friend did the same with her boy. Threw him out at 17, social services found him a hostel, now he has a room in a shared house and 2 years later is starting to turn his life around.
My DS has admitted to taking drugs, ecstasy mainly,recreationally, I don't know much about his friends, they've always been polite whilst they have been in my home, respectful and willing to chat to me.
I'm worried if I do kick him out he will be a statistic , homeless on the streets , jacking up heroin ...
He's a month off becoming 18..... How do I try and discipline and try and set boundaries and rules for what is effectively an adult.?
I know I can't look at him at the moment
As far as I know there's a social worker representing him now??? He's a minor and has to have an appropriate adult there.
It's been 11 hours since I initially got the phone call.
What happens after they release him ?
I don't want to go get him.
I feel like this it it.... Whatever 'It " is

OP posts:
Original poster
Shinyshoes2 · 16/05/2015 13:24

He has relatives he can go stay with, plenty of them, but they won't put up with his behaviour for very long .....
My friend says "let him in, give him something to eat, a shower,change of clothes and tell him to leave you don't want him here anymore "

OP posts:
Jackieharris · 16/05/2015 13:24

Tbh it could be an awful lot worse.

Don't throw him out. That's not going to do any good. He isn't a risk to you or younger dcs so he needs to stay and you to work this out together.

Draw a line under what has happened in the past and try to negotiate new ground rules.

Tell him you love him and want him to stay at home but xyz are your expectations of his behaviour.

What does he want long term? How does he fill his days? Does he have any hobbies or talents/skills?

Would he like to learn to drive? You could make lessons a reward for good behaviour?

He doesn't sound happy. There are going to be no quick fixes to this but try to think about the positive aspects of him eg he can be trusted with dcs, what else does he do that is good?

A lot of what you mention is quite low level, try not to sweat the small stuff, most teens do push boundaries to a certain extent.

BeaufortBelle · 16/05/2015 13:29

Drugs and theft, permanent exclusion, rudeness to the police are low level??????

Work with the police and social worker I guess. No more money. Has he ever been diagnosed with mh, odd, etc?

Original poster
Shinyshoes2 · 16/05/2015 13:32

No he's never been diagnosed with anything as I don't believe he has anything wrong with him. It's too easy to stick a label on some kids these days.
He's just a little shit at the moment

OP posts:
BeaufortBelle · 16/05/2015 13:35

Go and get him. Sort out new rules and get your dp on side. He's a shit. He's still your son. Look into professional help. If a mother gives up so will everyone else. Too soon to do that.

I am sorry you are going through this. Do you think your lack of response overnight might have been a wake up call.

PandaMummyofOne · 16/05/2015 13:40

Stop everything. No clothes, no money, nothing until he gets his act together. Much easier said than done I know.

The only thing he gets is the most basic of foods. There will be temper tantrums and it will get worse before it gets better. I hope you get sorted soon.

kilmuir · 16/05/2015 13:46

Throwing him out won't help him. I think he needs you.
Maybe sit down with DP and son and set out new rules, be honest but firm. What does he say about it all? Where does he want to be college etc

WhoNickedMyName · 16/05/2015 13:52

In the nicest possible way, you sound a real wet lettuce where he's concerned. Interesting that he doesn't talk to his dad like shit - because his dad "wouldn't stand for it". You've tried it your way, time to try it your DP's way.

Don't go and collect him from the police station, he can make his own way home. Make sure the door is locked so he has to knock. Tell him he's invited in for a chat. Tell him you'll give him 4 weeks to shape up or fuck off. No more money, no more clothes, a list of jobs around the home that he's to do each day to earn his keep, he needs to be in education or working/job hunting.

Make it very clear that if he doesn't like it, he's free to find elsewhere to live and you'll be having a sit down chat every four weeks from now on to review the whole set up.

DixieNormas · 16/05/2015 14:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lbnblbnb · 16/05/2015 14:04

WhoNickedMyName is right. He has pushed and pushed your (wobbly) boundaries. If you make it clear he had four weeks to sort himself you are giving him choices. You must follow through though.
I left home at 18 - it made me wake up to a lot of things.

Wishful80smontage · 16/05/2015 14:05

Agree with who too. Lay down the ground rules and expectations very clearly it he doesn't meet these then he's got to go

2fedup · 16/05/2015 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jackieharris · 16/05/2015 14:16

Yes go onto the teenagers board.

Aussiemum78 · 16/05/2015 14:18

I agree with whonickedmyname.

I'd also have a word with the local police. If you haven't already picked him up, maybe they will agree to keep him overnight as a parent isn't "available".

AuntieDee · 16/05/2015 14:22

I agree with WHO too. My cousin is having the same issue with her daughter and did just what WHO said and followed through. Her daughter spent 6 weeks couch surfing before coming back with her tail between her legs and a bag of dirty clothes. She had an apprentice job within 3 weeks and is a different girl.

Beware - he is nearly 18. Once he is an adult the police will treat him very differently and he won't have the support he would currently get if 'made homeless'. If you are going to act, do it before he turns 18

Floundering · 16/05/2015 14:25

You & DP have to present a united front, lay down round rules and bloody STICK to them.

The little shit has learned that if he pushed your buttons enough you will give in & give him stuff/money. STOP ENABLING HIM!!!

Get him down to the job centre to get signed on for JSA , get some further training or start looking for work. He can't get drugs if you stop giving him funds to get them.

Tell him firmly that you love him (even if you don't feel that way at the moment) but you will not see him go down the slippery slope while you have a breath on your body & tough love will be the way forward. If he doesn't like it then he can leave, but he will always be your son & welcome back if he can respect your rules.

By letting him get away with this awful behaviour you are disrespecting your partner and setting the standard for his siblings to treat you just the same as they get older.

AlpacaMyBags · 16/05/2015 15:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Shinyshoes2 · 16/05/2015 16:24

He's been released but we know nothing else , not ifar he has a social worker , if there was one , no bail date , if he's been charged , nothing . His phone is off I dont know where he is
Ive taken the key out of the key safe so he can't get in . I want him to knock and I want to see if he's remorseful when I answer the door .....
I know I've gotta be tough but if I let him in , he's gonna go get changed walk out the door , see his mates and nothing will have changed the minute I " get on his case " he's going to tell me to fuck off and go out

OP posts:
Original poster
Shinyshoes2 · 16/05/2015 16:54

He's got a caution . It was a pedal bike . It's all done and dusted as far as the police are concerned.. I still haven't seen him

OP posts:
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