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Original poster

Would you let somebody look after your child with this history of MH problems?

39 replies

Nannyplum2015 · 03/03/2015 11:30

Would you let your child stay overnight with somebody who 25 years ago tried to take there own life along with the lives of their children?

Person is a lot better now but still has low periods.

OP posts:

FenellaFellorick · 03/03/2015 11:34

In all honesty, I don't know. Not with that level of information.

If low means feeling low but they're ok and not suicidal and they feel that they can manage and they can call me if they need to then that's one thing, if low means as low as when they tried to kill their children and commit suicide then I think it would be really unfair to them to add the pressure of looking after additional children and I'd be more concerned with trying to help them and not add my children to the mix.

It's such an 'it depends' situation.

FenellaFellorick · 03/03/2015 11:35

sorry, not additional children, just children. It only just occurred to me that someone who was a child 25 years ago won't still be

WorraLiberty · 03/03/2015 11:35

No I wouldn't.

Original poster

Nannyplum2015 · 03/03/2015 11:38

The past attempt was done partly as an act of spite (the letter left was directed at her husband to get at him). She can still have angry spells but doesn't admit to feeling depressed. Says she feels low sometimes but really wants to look after the children as it makes her happy. She wasn't allowed contact with her own children for a while after suicide attempt.

OP posts:

PotOfYoghurt · 03/03/2015 11:40

No.

LineRunner · 03/03/2015 11:41

No.

Original poster

Nannyplum2015 · 03/03/2015 11:43

She's very good with children, patient etc. IF it wasn't for the past is say yes.

OP posts:

bangheadonwall · 03/03/2015 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ahchoo · 03/03/2015 11:44

I wouldn't. What if she had a relapse when your dc were in her care. Not saying she's likely to attempt to harm them but any kind of relapse could be really distressing for your dc to witness and if she says she feels low you can't really rule anything out. Apart from anything else, looking after children overnightcan be very stressful and if she's in a delicate state of mind it might not be the best thing for her to do.

hopelesslydevotedtoGu · 03/03/2015 11:49

No I definitely wouldn't. Not worth the risk as staying over is for her benefit, not the childrens'. I would be wary that you are only hearing her pov about her current mental health.

If she was, say, a very close family member, and I really really wanted her to have overnight access and thought it would definitely be safe, I might ask to attend one of her Psychiatry appointments so we could discuss it with her Psychiatrist. But tbh I think I wouldn't even then. Sorry.

Also, remember that having your kids overnight won't actually 'make her happy', sadly her distress sounds deeper than that.

FenellaFellorick · 03/03/2015 11:49

ooh, ok, I don't know. If she could try to kill her children due to spite/anger, and she still has angry spells I don't know. I don't think I would be comfortable with that unless I was 100% sure she was ok.

I would want to know that she was ok. It's not about handing over children to make her happy, that's not what children are for. it's about the right of the children to be with people who are able to manage them. I would want to feel very sure she was, before I could even think about making that decision.

I would feel very conflicted because I don't think it's fair to effectively punish someone for the rest of their life because of something terrible they did 25 years ago, but it was so terrible and so serious and if she still struggles I am not sure it would be the wisest choice.

hopelesslydevotedtoGu · 03/03/2015 11:55

Actually it is really bizarre that she is asking you. Why is she asking you? Because she says it will make her feel happy? Or you need someone to take them overnight as you are away and she has offered? If the former I'm afraid I would definitely say no, because I don't think it is fair for children to be passed around unhappy people to 'make them happy' as though they are pets.

CallMeMaybe · 03/03/2015 11:56

someone who would attempt to kill their own children is not "good with children," especially as they tried to do so out of spite.

someone who was that calculated I wouldn't let within three feet of my children let alone allow them to stay the night.

dreamingbohemian · 03/03/2015 12:02

No, probably not. I say that as someone who tried to kill herself many years ago. I don't think MH issues should brand you for life but in this case I would only do it if she was fully admitting the scope of her issues and getting treatment for them. Is she under treatment?

If she is otherwise lovely and you care about her, you can let her spend lots of time with the kids but not necessarily alone and overnight.

Unexpected · 03/03/2015 12:04

No.

NickiFury · 03/03/2015 12:05

Absolutely not.

Original poster

Nannyplum2015 · 03/03/2015 12:07

Thank you for your advice. I do agree with you all. I feel very sad for her as I know that was in the past, she has had therapy and had overnight contact with her own children once she was well in recovery. I know she deeply regrets what happened and its so sad she has to be punished for that still. I don't know how to tell her as at the moment I've been fobbing her off.

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 03/03/2015 12:10

How is not leaving your children with this woman "punishing" her? There are all sorts of people I wouldn't leave my children with for all sorts of reasons (or not much reason at all); it's got nothing to do with anybody but me

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 03/03/2015 12:13

Interesting.

I spent months in a psych hospital a few years ago as had planned to kill myself and my children in the depths of horrendous PND.

I've been under treatment since, still take numerous meds. I do have 'low' periods but nothing like before.

I must be lucky that friends (who know full well what I went through) trust me enough to leave their kids with me for play dates and occasional sleepovers. They're also always there for chats, childcare, cups of tea if and when I DO feel low.

How sad to think that she isn't trusted 25 years later.

KissesBreakingWave · 03/03/2015 12:17

What her MH was like 25 years ago is irrelevant, it's what it's like now. 30 years ago, I was suicidal, still got impressive scars from the attempt (the source of many an entertaining story for my own kids, they got to the point of specifically asking for the dinosaurs-and-pirates or the ninjas-on-a-spaceship versions by name).

And yes, I still have low days. Doesn't mean I can't paste a smile on for my siblings' kids when they're left in charge of their favourite uncle, or get 'em down the park with the hound and let them run about while I walk my own Black Dog.

Hell, putting cartoons on and cheering Spiderman on with The Nephew is a guaranteed day-brightener for me. Best part? Cartoons aren't just a saturday morning thing any more. They've got WHOLE CHANNELS of the bastards. Kids these days, don't know they're BORN.

RJnomore · 03/03/2015 12:19

Is this your MIL?

I would say it depends on how well you know the person and whether you are satisfied the mh issues that led to the attempt have been addressed.

ImperialBlether · 03/03/2015 12:21

RumpyPumpy, that is a different situation. PND is brutal but the motivation for your actions wasn't anger or spite.

dreamingbohemian · 03/03/2015 12:25

I agree with Wild and think your latest post paints a slightly different picture. For me it would depend not so much on what happened 25 years ago but how they are doing right now, how self-aware they are of their issues, etc. Also how old my children are.

I would also be hesitant to judge unless I really knew what happened all those years ago, whether there was PND or abuse or something else going on.

But in the end, it's your decision so do what you feel is right. Plenty of people don't let their kids stay with anyone overnight even when there aren't additional concerns.

ouryve · 03/03/2015 12:28

In that particular situation and a rationale of "but looking after children makes me happy."?

No way. My children aren't her therapy.

Someone with MH issues in general, I'd be fine with, as long as they were well, but this friend did something very specific that I'm afraid would, yes, still make me uncomfortable with the idea, 25 years later.

Kisses I'm guessing you didn't try to kill any children when you reached your nadir? That bit is the sticking point for me, not the attempted suicide.

Notrevealingmyidentity · 03/03/2015 12:28

I don't think I could say without knowing this person in real life. Here is just too much information I don't have from your post.

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