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Original poster

A wedding invite

32 replies

ooohsopink · 17/02/2015 12:09

ok - bit of a chunky descript - bear with me peeps. Need your advice.

A good friend from a previous workplace is getting married. She was my best work friend and we've kept in touch, but not every day etc. While I worked with her we socialised, but my partner suffers from mental health problems and we had to cancel a couple of social things at quite late notice (social events are a trigger).

Autumn last year, my friend announces her wedding to her long term partner - which was great news.

I got a message from her inviting me to meet with her at a wedding show and to have lunch together, which was a lovely thing to do - I hadn't seen her for ages. The announcement mentioned that my partner and I were invited to the whole wedding, ceremony and everything. For some reason, I got the impression I was going to be invited to be a bridesmaid/maid of honour etc.

At the same time, I offered to design and print their wedding invitations as a wedding gift - which she accepted and seemed excited about (I have an art and design background so this was a genuine offer to have something designed). We set her up on Pinterest etc. so she could find examples of invites she liked that would inspire the ones I would make for her and her partner.

I turned up at the wedding show - and my friend is there with her hubby to be and her mum and dad. I immediately felt like I was intruding on a family event - I have never met her parents before and they were all dressed up and I was in jeans (friend had said to wear jeans and nice top).

During the show, we walked around and talked about some of the stuff that was being displayed and my friend mentioned several times that she wanted my opinion on setting up the event etc, as I was arty and had a good eye, so I mentioned stuff that might work with her vintage theme. She mentioned bridesmaids etc but only in passing.

She kept saying she wanted me to help her with the planning and styling of the wedding - seemed enthusiastic about it. The subject of bridesmaids eventually came up and it turns out that her niece and her best friend from overseas will be her MOH and bridesmaid - which is fair enough and whilst it would have been nice to have been asked, it wasn't the end of the world.

We carried on with day and had discussions about bunting and which Pinterest invites they liked to give me something to start on as they wanted to send invites out asap.

So I went home with their ideas and spent two happy evenings mocking up their designs to celebrate their day. I sent them over via email and invited them to lunch on the Sunday so they could let me know their choice and any changes needed etc.

They turned up, we had a lovely meal and then my friend said she didn't want me to do the invites, that her family thought that professionally printed ones would be better for her etc. Ok well it felt a bit horrible as they were offered as a wedding gift but I understood and said it would be fine, not to worry. They left.

Next thing, I'm being invited to her hen party - which is a weekend in a very expensive European city. I initially said yes, but after costing it out, I realised it will come to about £500-600 for the weekend. I just can't afford it - my partner and I run our own business and we have nothing left over at the end of the month while we build our business. We haven't had a holiday since 2009 and whilst a nice dinner out with the hens would have been possible - hundreds of pounds on just me, isn't.

I had to call her and explain that I couldn't afford it. Felt pretty crap to be honest - I was in tears afterwards.

So now we have received an invite - to the evening only, and the invite is handmade.

So a double snub. Demoted to just the evening part of the day and they got someone else to hand make their invites. I know these things are trivial in the grand scheme of things - but we have had a tough time with money and stuff at home over the past year, and I only wanted to offer help and support to her for her big day. I was chuffed to have been invited to be a part of the whole day too.

I am now being pretty much ignored on SM and email too.

I feel like writing back to her and asking what has happened - I have obviously upset her but I don't know how.

I don't really want to go to the evening do now - I feel stupid as she made a big thing about having us there all day at first. I don't want to upset her in the run up to her wedding and causing her stress, but I feel at a loss to know what else to do.

She isn't taking my calls so an actual discussion would seem to be out of the window.

What would you think?

OP posts:

Heels99 · 17/02/2015 12:14

If she isn't taking your calls then yes, something has gone wrong but what on earth it could be I have no idea. You have given up your time to assist her with her wedding plans, design invites, go to the wedding fair etc and now she won't speak to you?
Either persue a conversation with her about what on earth has happened or decline the invite.
What an unpleasant situation for you. Is there another mutual friend who could help?

WipsGlitter · 17/02/2015 12:24

Poor you. I'd leave contactng her for a bit and leave it to a few weeks before the wedding to decide if you want to go.

The cards may have been handmade but they paid to get them done so "professionally" hand made if that makes sense.

SavoyCabbage · 17/02/2015 12:30

That's what I thought Wips. Handmade but by a company that she perceives to be a professional card maker.

I don't know what to think about the evening only invite. It seems bizarre to ask you to go to the fair but not invite you to the wedding!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings

Original poster

ooohsopink · 17/02/2015 12:36

The only thing I can think of are that I cancelled on her for her hen party and it has upset her (as I have had to cancel things before).

The evening invites were definitely home made - not professionally done.

She does get a huge amount of pressure from her parents to do what they want and I don't think they liked me and my ideas at the wedding show - so maybe they have said something.

We're not exactly spring chickens here either - we're in our forties.

I also sent her some homemade chilli jam at Christmas and didn't even get a thank you.

Feel like crying here - why am I so upset about this?

OP posts:

Kahlua4me · 17/02/2015 12:45

Do you live nearby? I think it would be tempted to go round to hers one evening to try to clear the air and find out what has gone on.

It may be that she is upset about you cancelling the hen weekend. Had she already paid the deposit/lost money by you cancelling?

It doesn't sound as though you can have done anything obvious to upset her from your description. Can you think of anything else that may have triggered this?

Tinofroses · 17/02/2015 12:51

It sounds like she is peed off that you are not attending the hen weekend. I make it a rule not to go to evenings do of weddings unless it's a work colleague but if they are real friends you would be invited to the whole day.

Tinofroses · 17/02/2015 12:53

Just read your update there. I can't believe she is listening to her parents if she is in her 40s. I would arrange to meet her and find out what's up also.

lunar1 · 17/02/2015 13:05

I honestly don't get it when people spend so much if other people's money on a hen do, it's a ridiculous amount of money to ask people to take from their family budget. If this it why she is treating you badly then you are well rid of her.

Only1scoop · 17/02/2015 13:16

The invitations could still be professionally hand made....however a bit rude to just snub your designs and very kind offer with little explanation.

I think she's annoyed about you not going to get hen extravaganza and that could be why she has gone quiet. She should be embarrassed about her behaviour if that's the case. ....

Chillyegg · 17/02/2015 13:17

I'm sorry but she doesn't sound like a particularly nice friend. Yep it's shit you can't go to her hen do but quite frankly so what, why does she feel validated in treating you badly. You can't afford it, it's a reasonable reason why you can't go. She's being a bit of a rude knob.
I have a degree in art as well and appreciate the time and thought you probably spent on those invites, I think for her to chop and change seems unreasonable. I find it annoying when people are like "oh your arty, you can make x, y and z for this event" and expect it for free. And then decide to waste your time.
I have massive preggo rage right now but sounds to me like you should give this lady a wide birth, donate your probably gorgeous invites to someone who would appreciate them. And sack of her wedding.

Only1scoop · 17/02/2015 13:21

Is send her a bill for my time for being dragged around a wedding show

MrsCampbellBlack · 17/02/2015 13:21

Is it possible she thinks you or your DP may not turn up on the day/cancel at the last minute?

Hullygully · 17/02/2015 13:23

I am strangely struck by the chilli jam.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 17/02/2015 13:25

Id be tempted to send her a little note along the lines of

"X. Not quite sure what I have done but you seem to be upset with me over something. When you are ready to tall about it let me know"

Only1scoop · 17/02/2015 13:26

Both in your 40's

Only1scoop · 17/02/2015 13:26

Blimey

Heels99 · 17/02/2015 14:47

Ah yes, she may think that you could cancel at very short notice hence her not wanting to invite to to the wedding only the evening where it won't matter so much.

Only1scoop · 17/02/2015 14:51

Agree Heels....

Think she may be feeling a little annoyed about you pulling out of hen do and coupled with a fear you may pull out of wedding late she has issued the night invite.

Not good though after getting all your idea....whilst pulling you round with her family in tow....very strange in your 40's sorry but I think it is....I'm 42 and couldn't think of anything worse

iknowimcoming · 17/02/2015 14:59

If it were me, I'd send an evening RSVP saying you are unable to attend, no reason or explanation, and just leave it at that. Terribly sad when things like this happen, but for whatever reason, bridezilla, family pressure, she's miffed about you not attending hen do etc she's behaving dreadfully and you're well rid. She may at some point realise she's been a dick and get in touch and then it will be up to you to decide if you can forgive her, but I'd bet you don't hear from her again. Sorry op, sometimes people really let you down and you're best off without them.

Floralnomad · 17/02/2015 15:03

I would decline the invite and not give her a second thought .

LuluJakey1 · 17/02/2015 15:03

This is why I hate weddings. Personally, I would not go to the evening do- just politely decline and send a beautifully designed card as a gift that you have done individually- perhaps something that records the wedding date and their names, wishing them happiness and one that they could frame. And leave it at that.

Detach from it all.

Original poster

ooohsopink · 17/02/2015 15:13

Thanks for all the responses - am feeling better knowing that others can see things from a neutral situation and are still sympathising.... I thought I was going a bit mad...

Maybe it is that she just doesn't trust me to turn up on the day - I guess that would be an awkward conversation to have though, so it's easier just to duck out and send the evening invite.

I think I am going to decline the invite politely - and your idea of a lovely card LuluJakey1 is great - it will make me feel better to do something creative and non-judgmental. (and I hear ya Chillyegg on the 'can you just' conversations - although this one was me offering ...)

I know we are both in our forties lol - but sometimes things do get to you that shouldn't. I have tried pulling up my big girl pants and saying 'fuck it' but being in a constantly super stressed personal and business environment means I am not coping as well as I might in other situations.

You are all fab. Thank you.

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 17/02/2015 15:22

Op my comment about the 40's thing was really more towards the Brideszilla....not you.

The wedding fayre with her family in tow....the huge influence they still have etc....

All you have done is tried to support your friend.

And quite frankly she was rude not to thank you for that jam.

MrsCampbellBlack · 17/02/2015 15:24

I really bet it just comes down to budget. As you said you've had to cancel a few things at the last minute due to your DH she probably has just decided that the places/money is best spent on people she can be sure will turn up.

But she shouldn't have got you so involved or said you'd be going on the day really.

I do think people make rash promises and then when they start to see how the costs mount up they have to make some hard decisions. She is probably feeling embarassed and doesn't know what to say.

It is human for you to feel hurt though - I would too in your place.

Floggingmolly · 17/02/2015 15:31

Why would deciding you couldn't afford the six hundred quid hen do indicate you might also fail to show up for the wedding?
Or maybe she fears you will show; but not bring sufficient funds for the wishing well?

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