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Original poster

Mean behaviour in Reception kids

39 replies

piechuck · 11/12/2014 10:31

My DS has struggled to settle at school which we were surprised about - he had previously been at full time day nursery so we expected the transition to be a bit easier than it was.

The problem is that none of his friends got allocated the same school so he has been a bit lonely, but seems to be getting there now.

However there is one boy (who seems to be the Alpha Male in the class) who 'hates him'. Every morning he is mean to DS, either excluding him from games or getting the others to chase after him.

This morning DS walked in with a friend from class but the mean kid ran up to her and said "Ewwww I don’t like DS, why are you with him? He’s naughty I DON’T LIKE HIM, lets chase him, lets SCARE him!"

DS thinks the chasing game is all in fun so joins in happily (he didn't hear the 'I DON'T LIKE HIM', but he's previously been really upset by the kid excluding him).

I've been witnessing this behaviour for a few weeks now and the kids mum has never said anything about it (she didn't hear it this morning, but there have been similar days when I've been shocked that she hasn't said anything to her DS - she doesn't seem all that interested).

I can't decide whether I should speak to the kid, next time I hear something, speak to the mum, teacher? Or just leave it for them to work out amongst themselves?

WWYD?

OP posts:
CheapTrickster · 11/12/2014 11:00

Hi
sorry your son is going through this. I would talk to the teacher and explain what is going on and how it is upsetting your son and having an affect on him settleing into the class.
Its pointless to talk to the child or mum and will be better sorted out by the class teacher.

SunnyBaudelaire · 11/12/2014 11:02

please do not attempt to speak to the child or mum.
You must let the teacher deal with this.

caravanista13 · 11/12/2014 11:06

Definitely talk to the teacher - talking I the child or the mum risks escalating the problem, but teachers are used to dealing with these sort of situations.

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Original poster
piechuck · 11/12/2014 11:25

It feels like telling tales by telling the teacher, I definitely don't want to blow it out of all proportion, and was thinking I should say something like 'that's being unkind' to the boy.

But ok, I'll mention it in passing to the teacher. Do I name the boy to her?

OP posts:
SunnyBaudelaire · 11/12/2014 11:35

yes.
It might feel like telling tales but it is far superior to getting into a punch up with the mum!

ThereIsIron · 11/12/2014 11:36

It's not "telling tales". Just explain to the teacher that you have concerns regarding the boys (do name him) behaviour towards your DS and could she keep and eye and deal with it. It's her job. Don't speak to the boy or his parents (unless you're on friendly terms).

Bragadocia · 11/12/2014 11:40

I don't think 'telling tales' is the way to look at it at this age. Definitely tell the teacher. Is this going on before school opens, if both you and the other mum are there?

Original poster
piechuck · 11/12/2014 11:52

Yes it's before school opens, the other mum is usually nowhere near and we're on polite terms but not friendly. I don't think she'd punch me but take your point!

OP posts:
tobysmum77 · 13/12/2014 09:06

It is definitely not telling tales, it is looking out for and protecting your child.

Smartiepants79 · 13/12/2014 09:13

Speak to his teacher. Don't approach him or mum.
This behaviour is actually quite extreme for a child of this age. I work in a primary school and would be concernd by this level of meaness. I'm not usually one to worry too much about silly nonsense between 4 yr olds. They are not really old enough to understand their actions or to have sustained friendships. They change daily.
I would be mortified if I heard my child doing anything similar and as a teacher I would definitely want to know about it.
Just state the facts of what you have seen and express your concerns. Try to keep too much emotion out of it and see what they say.

Littlefish · 13/12/2014 09:24

If it's going on before school, then there are likely to be elements of it going on during the school day too so I would definitely speak to the teacher about it. Do not speak directly to the parent or child - give the school a chance to sort it out first.

Original poster
piechuck · 13/12/2014 19:26

Thanks for the messages, I need to find a time to mention it when DS isn't around so will try and do it one morning this week (and in the mean time keep the boys apart).

I'm surprised by the level of meanness, and the wanting to gang people up to chase/scare DS - set off alarm bells for me.

OP posts:
GingerbreadPudding · 15/12/2014 18:03

You may find that by the time you've mentioned it to the teacher it's stopped as things are so fleeting at that age, however if you are able to do it very soon you can name the child but keep it factual. 'Ds is finding it hard to settle and seems to be having some problems with nastyboy. I did overhear nastyboy saying x,y,z to him. I'd really appreciate it if you could chat to the boys or do whatever you think best to help my son out here, I'll pop in at the end of the day to see how it's going.'

Original poster
piechuck · 16/12/2014 21:38

Hi, was planning on a brief positive update after speaking to the teacher today. She thanked me for letting them know the situation but said that they hadn't seen any evidence of this behaviour, but they would keep an eye on it.

But then tonight my childminder told me DS was really upset at collection because a bunch of kids had cornered him in the playground at break time, they'd all spat at him and punched him several times. Apparently the mean kid wasn't involved and he didn't know the names of the kids as they were all from a different class. He said he didn't tell any adults, but had clearly spent the last part of the afternoon sobbing about it (presumably in the classroom).

So now I am fuming,how can 4 year olds be left so unsupervised that they can be attacked in this way? Weren't the teachers meant to be keeping an eye out ? And the thing that pisses me off the most - shouldn't someone have asked him what the problem was or reported his upset to me?!

I'm feeling badly let down by the school already and we've barely been there 2 months. Shock What do I do? Who do I talk to now?!

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 16/12/2014 22:37

Well go back to the teacher in the morning. See how she responds. I would expect her to ask to be given the day to investigate. If it's happened at lunch then she may know nothing about it. I would expect a response by home time though. If you don't get what you want then see the headteacher the next day.
Is this a large school?
In the playground with all the children mixed together it's easy to lose track of one. If he's told no one then it's hard for them to anything about it if it's not been spotted. If he's been crying in class the his teacher will know that. What did she think was wrong with him.
I don't want to be unkind but is your 4 yr old a reliable 4 yr old? Many are not. This seems an unusual thing to have happened and no one to have noticed it. Are the other children his age?
It's all a bit odd. I've never seen this level of behaviour in such young children and I've been in teaching for 12 years.

Smartiepants79 · 16/12/2014 22:38

Also are there any marks to show for the punches that can be shown to school?

Hedgehogsbuzz1 · 16/12/2014 22:41

Of you clearly hear the child say something like that, you are perfectly within your rights to nicely tell the child to be kinder to his class mates.

Hedgehogsbuzz1 · 16/12/2014 22:44

I would probably email the teacher/school tonight with the details.

Original poster
piechuck · 16/12/2014 23:06

The school is massive and v chaotic imo, it's 4 form entry but the reception kids are separated out so only 120 of them playing at one time!

The mean-kid stuff was all witnessed by me so definitely happened. The punching and spitting maybe it's a fantasy that he's embellished to the childminder but when I asked him what had happened he told me lots of detail and got upset again (normally I get told nothing about school!), he also demonstrated the punching on me, it was closed fist on his stomach but nothing with any power so no marks on his body.

We don't have any methods of contacting the staff outside of school, we're not allowed to email, and when I've rung I was told that they couldn't put me through to teacher (despite my returning her call within 2 mins as shed asked) and that I should only speak to her at collection time!

OP posts:
Original poster
piechuck · 16/12/2014 23:10

(Childminder does collection, so I only hear about it at 6pm when the school has closed)

OP posts:
Hedgehogsbuzz1 · 16/12/2014 23:18

Write a letter to be given to the teacher first thing. Ask her to ring you today and explain there was an incident with a group of boys hitting/spitting DS.

SinisterSantasBusyMonth · 16/12/2014 23:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Smartiepants79 · 16/12/2014 23:29

That is a lot of children, I don't think I know of any schools that size!
I'm not saying he's made it up and you must take it seriously but I always advise that you find out as much of the whole story, from both sides, as possible before making any decisions.
For him to have been targeted by 2, apparently unrelated, groups of very young children seems unusual to me.
If this has happened as he describes then it is a very serious incident and the supervision of these children is not good enough.
If you possibly can see them in person. But keep any correspondence.
On a different note you must encourage your son to report these things when they happen. Sorting them out 24 hrs after it happened is extremely difficult when you are relying in the memory of a 4yr old who can't seem to remember whether they had dinner at school today or not!! Physical violence is zero tolerance and needs to be sorted.

Smartiepants79 · 16/12/2014 23:31

If you can be there at collection can you phone the childminder once they are home to find out how his day has been so you can deal with it if necessary?

Cherrychocolate · 16/12/2014 23:48

I think, as Hedgehog said, write a letter. My DH and I quickly found out that putting things in writing means they take things more seriously. Letters to the Head Teacher are kept on record, and schools must be seen to be acting on this kind of behaviour.

This behaviour is NOT acceptable. You need to arrange a meeting with the Teacher, and be clear that you will not be tolerating your son being bullied (that's what this is). Give a time frame in which you expect this situation to be dealt with, and tell the Teacher that if this is not sorted out, then you will be meeting the Head. Follow the meeting up with a written letter.

I have 3 children, and when my oldest (now 17). Started school, I kept my mouth shut for fear of upsetting the School.....BIG mistake! I'm afraid it's a case of 'he who shouts loudest' in schools these days. If you keep quite in situations like this, your child gets walked over.

Be confident, you ARE in the right. Your Son is still little and needs you to help him through this. Be strong, and show the school you will not be backing down. They have a duty of care.

Good luck.

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