Mean behaviour in Reception kids

[piechuck]

My DS has struggled to settle at school which we were surprised about - he had previously been at full time day nursery so we expected the transition to be a bit easier than it was.

The problem is that none of his friends got allocated the same school so he has been a bit lonely, but seems to be getting there now.

However there is one boy (who seems to be the Alpha Male in the class) who 'hates him'. Every morning he is mean to DS, either excluding him from games or getting the others to chase after him.

This morning DS walked in with a friend from class but the mean kid ran up to her and said "Ewwww I don’t like DS, why are you with him? He’s naughty I DON’T LIKE HIM, lets chase him, lets SCARE him!"

DS thinks the chasing game is all in fun so joins in happily (he didn't hear the 'I DON'T LIKE HIM', but he's previously been really upset by the kid excluding him).

I've been witnessing this behaviour for a few weeks now and the kids mum has never said anything about it (she didn't hear it this morning, but there have been similar days when I've been shocked that she hasn't said anything to her DS - she doesn't seem all that interested).

I can't decide whether I should speak to the kid, next time I hear something, speak to the mum, teacher? Or just leave it for them to work out amongst themselves?

WWYD?

After a nightmare filled night and a first time ever wet bed, I'm in no doubt that whatever happened at school yesterday has frightened my son.
DH is going to join me to drop off and make an appointment with the head.

Hope your meeting goes well.

Your poor DS

This sounds terrible OP and the school need to sort it out.

But if it's any consolation my DS went through a similar situation in reception ( culminating in DS being lifted up and put head first in a playground bin!)

The culprit was having trouble settling in to school life and was was a bit of an alpha male too ( I think he targeted my DS as he was a similar size to him - both boys are unusually tall for their age)

The school put the other boy on a behaviour plan and all was sorted quite quickly. The other boys mum was very stressed out by all of the trouble her son was getting into ( he gave another child a black eye)

By Y1 they were quite friendly ( although I was delighted when they were put in different classes in Y2 as there was a bit of a power struggle going on)

I hope you get it sorted ok

Do stand your ground with the head and clarify exactly what they are doing to sort it out. My ds had problems like this too from reception. The school did deal with them, but, with hindsight, not well enough and we removed him in Yr4. It is to my eternal regret that we did not do more sooner for him.

You sound like you are doing everything you can and, so what if you appear like a pushy parent, you are entitled to advocate for your son.

Just one question - do you think your son might do anything that annoys the another children? This in no way justifies their behaviour which needs to be dealt with by the school. However, when I tried to work out why my son was targeted, I could see that what one teacher described as his "jubilant nature" could overwhelm other children (even now) and we have, over the years tried to get him to tone it down a bit so he is not a perpetual victim of exclusion.

I wouldn't have believed this to be possible in 4 year olds either until my DS started reception. OP we have similar issues. The only thing you can do is report it until it stops. The school need to handle this swiftly. It is not acceptable for a 4 year old to intimidate another one of its classmates. It's awful. Huge sympathies and please give the school a huge kick up the arse if they don't think this is bullying. It is.

Thanks for the messages everyone, it does help to hear that children have come through the other side of something like this.

Having DH there really helped as there a times when I'm nearly in tears talking to the teacher about how sad our son is sometimes. She doesn't realise the complete personality change we've witnessed since he started school so believes that he's happy and just a naturally slightly-introverted boy - he's not!

WRT the spitting/hitting incident, there's some confusion as to when this took place since the children didn't play out in the afternoon and the teacher made a point of asking DS if everything was OK after lunch break and he'd said it was. So because he didn't say anything, and he doesn't know the boys names - we took him around the pegs (they have photo's) to see if he could spot the culprits but couldn't identify anyone, there's not a lot anyone can do about it.

I felt a little bit fobbed off by talking to the teacher, as all she could promise was that they would keep an eye on him (which she'd said yesterday) - I guess this is the default line.

So we went to speak to the Deputy Head as well and went through the spitting/hitting incident and talked more about our thoughts on the underlying issue (goosey you're spot-on!), which is the fact that he's become isolated at the school having no close friends to rely on (he was playing alone when this happened, I can't see that he would've been picked on if he'd been with friends).

My DS does not listen and has struggled with settling into school life because of it. Right from day one, the staff came down hard on him for not listening and he regularly came home upset. It's something he needs help with, I don't believe he's deliberately not listening to be defiant or naughty, he just doesn't know how to do it - and this gets him into trouble. So the other kids in class have him marked down as being 'the naughty boy' (I've lost count of the number of children who've told me this in the playground), and because of that none of them want to be friends - as I said in the OP none of his nursery friends went to this school, he doesn't have an ally, which means he's isolated and vulnerable to being picked-on.

We've tried to arrange play-dates outside of school to build his friendship base, and we thought he was getting better, until this all happened.

Sorry this is long, thanks for reading this far. We have a meeting booked with the Deputy Head in the New Year to talk about how to move forward, I'm considering getting on waiting lists for smaller schools in case it escalates (we're very oversubscribed so it might take years to get an in-year transfer).

Piechuck - that sounds familiar. Part of ds's problems stemmed from being perceived as the naughty child in class' In his case it was because he shouted out answers when he got frustrated with the pace of the lessons.

School have to stop this - they can agree a way of telling ds off that the other children don't know about - a special signal between him and the teacher. That is what we did. They also set ds individual targets that the other children were unaware of that they discussed with him every now and again - making sure to praise him when he got it right.

My DS went through this last year in Nursery (kids already 4). In his case he was singled out because he was deaf and really struggling in the setting. We spoke to the school who took it seriously as bullying but didn't do very much. The mums weren't interested so did nothing. DS is in Reception now and flourishing now he's apart from those kids. Situation still gives me rage, especially the lack of support but he's doing great now. Hope you manage to get this sorted for your DS.

Just remember that 'the squeaky wheel gets the most oil'. Report every incident to the teacher. Keep on top of it. The school has a responsibility to keep your son safe so do not feel like you are causing a fuss. Have you chatted to your son about telling a grown up about any incidents? I regularly remind DD1 (also reception) about this.

There was yet another incident yesterday, which this time was spotted by the lunch staff and dealt with straight away - so at least one good thing is that the staff are now watching out for DS, but the bad news is it was a completely different kid - it seems DS is being picked on by everyone - and there's a culture where it's ok to hit people!

This latest incident was in the same location as the first and was blamed on the DS 'not sharing'. He's normally pretty good about sharing things but can have his moments, but even assuming he was at fault - it's not ok to punch people in the stomach!!

I've talked it over with DS, and said that hitting people is wrong and reminded him to tell grown-ups if people are mean to him and not addressed the sharing thing yet - I don't want him to think it was his fault in any way, but will talk over the holidays about how he plays with people.

DS doesn't seem as worried by this incident, as the boy in question was made to apologise, The first time, the boys got away with it, which worries him (and he was probably in shock).

Btw, thanks for all your input - kids cans be really mean, it helps to discuss in a calm environment and think things through! It's especially good to be reminded to keep the pressure on the school as I'm not great at making a fuss normally!

Just to finish off this thread (in case anyone else is going through something similar). We feel all this has been resolved now, as DS has made some real friends at school and is comfortable and happy there.

The breakthrough for us was him finding a special friend in class - that's all it took to give him confidence to answer back to his 'attackers'. I now see regular interactions between DS and the 'mean kid' which previously would have been red-flags, but now that DS is happy, he's able to turn the situation around with good humour, and the boys are getting on (a bit - they're not great mates, yet!)

As for the other kids, we never found out who they were but I believe that the worst is over and that DS can handle tricky situations with the support of his friend(s).

Fantastic update!

Well done OP. Great outcome for your boy.