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Original poster

Not invited to a dear friends party.

67 replies

Petrachat · 03/10/2014 12:32

Dp and I feeling very miffed, several friends have said "see you at the Birthday party", but its a party to which we have not been invited ,this is painful and rather embarrassing as the party givers are very good friends and people have assumed we would be there. We have not had any form of disagreement with them, but now feel we are far less important to them, than they are to us. Would you contact them to find out if there is a problem, or just leave it.

OP posts:
Middleagedmotheroftwo · 03/10/2014 12:35

Leave it. Perhaps they think they've invited you, but the message never got to you??

Twitterqueen · 03/10/2014 12:37

Can you ask another friend who has been invited to find out from the party-givers why you're not going? It might simply be a mistake of course. Doing it through a 3rd party like this will save face all round. If you're really not invited the party-givers can be honest with your friend, who can then be tactful (hopefully) with you.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder · 03/10/2014 12:38

Maybe your invitation has been lost/forgotten? Could you ring or send a text saying 'It's been ages. would love to see you soon, when's good for coffee/drinks/dinner?'

Christmascandles · 03/10/2014 12:39

No I wouldn't contact them, I'd just leave it. Will you be seeing them before the party. Maybe they are waiting until they see you to invite you then...?

Bowlersarm · 03/10/2014 12:50

I wouldn't be able to leave it. I would need to know. Can a mutual friend ask the party givers indirectly I.e. "really looking forward to seeing you. We're looking to share a taxi - who else is coming?" "Blah blah blah" "oh why aren't Petra and mr Petra coming?" Or similar.

JustSpeakSense · 03/10/2014 12:51

I would send the following text: 'Hi, hope you are all well? Just wanted to wish X a very happy birthday, hope you have a great party this weekend! No doubt you'll be very busy with the clean up and aftermath but when things have calmed down for you i'd love to have a cuppa and catch up! Chat soon! petrachat'

Original poster
Petrachat · 03/10/2014 12:54

Thank you for the fast responses. I last spoke to them 3 weeks ago , we were on holiday together earlier in the year . I have checked all emails, junk, etc ,nada. We are likely to see them everywhere we go, ( plus we really like them), so although in the greater scheme of things its no big deal, in our small world, its a problem. I tend to think that the invitation, is lost; but that may just be wishful thinking. I could try asking a mutual to ask why?.

OP posts:
Zamboni · 03/10/2014 12:54

I have a lot of sympathy for you in this position as something similar happened to me, I heard about it when someone assumed I would be going along. I ended up saying nothing. It rankled, but my friend gets to choose who to invite, and there may have been any number of reasons why we didn't get invited.

She and I are still very good friends by the way. At the time I was very upset but now I can be more objective about things.

Original poster
Petrachat · 03/10/2014 13:12

JustSpeakSense, I think I will wait until after the party , and send the type of email you suggest.
I would have invited you Zamboni , you are obviously a good friend.
Either way either forgotten, or excluded, feels pretty bad, and I will have to try and find out why. but the message I'm getting from the lovely mumsnet , is to do it indirectly.

OP posts:
exexpat · 03/10/2014 13:17

I think justspeaksense's email sounds a bit pointed/passive aggressive. If the hostess merely forgot to invite you, she would probably be mortified to get that, particularly after the party.

Wouldn't it be simpler to get one of your friends who is going to the party to call the hostess beforehand and say 'I happened to mention your party to Petrachat, and she doesn't seem to think she's invited. Was that deliberate or an oversight?' then feed back the results to you.

LeftRightCentre · 03/10/2014 13:24

I'd leave it!

AndIFeedEmGunpowder · 03/10/2014 13:26

I think expat's idea is good, actually.

strongandlong · 03/10/2014 13:27

I agree with exexpat.

I was in exactly this position a couple of years ago and it turned out that we were invited but each half of the couple thought the other half had spoken to us. Was all fine in the end!

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 03/10/2014 13:27

I would definitely find out if it was a mistake or not - imagine how mortified your friend would be if it really was an innocent oversight! I think about how distraught I would feel if one of my good friends thought I was dissing them.

I do think via a third party is the way to go though, just to be on the safe side. I think exexpat's line is perfect.

bigTillyMint · 03/10/2014 13:28

Exexpat's idea is the best if you don't mind finding out that you were not invited rather than just forgotten. Would a friend do it for you?

Branleuse · 03/10/2014 13:29

Dont sit and worry about it, send a text message, saying that everyone keeps saying see you at the party and its making you feel awkward. Have you missed an invitation, or have you done something to upset them?

You may as well ask rather than dwell on it.

Bunbaker · 03/10/2014 13:31

I agree with exexpat as well.

QuintessentiallyQS · 03/10/2014 13:32

I think I would do as Branleuse if I were in your position.

awsomer · 03/10/2014 13:34

I agree with exexpat too, is there anyone you can ask?

Butterpuff · 03/10/2014 13:55

If they are close enough friends to holiday with then not being invited is very odd, and asking should be very easy. I would do what Branleuse said.

furcoatbigknickers · 03/10/2014 14:19

I don't really understand why you wouldn't just ask if you are invited and if not why not. I had this with a dear friend of mine and it was a mix up!!

helensburgh · 03/10/2014 14:24

It does sound like a mistake.

Hope you get it sorted out.

Defintly ask a friend to enquire

NoSquirrels · 03/10/2014 14:31

If you are close enough to someone else who can ask for you I'd go with expat -
"Oh dear, it's really awkward cos we haven't had an invite, although everyone keeps thinking we'll be there. Not sure I can ask myself along, really, although I am wondering if it's just a mistake - you're not the first person to assume we're going too. Would you mind asking them for me if our invite's lost? I promise not to be offended if the answer is no."

or go with branleuse and the direct approach along the same lines (and if you went on holiday with them and no fallings out I would say this is fine to do)

"Hello X, bit awkward but everyone keeps assuming we're coming to your birthday party - just wondered if we've missed something? Promise not to be offended if you're having to limit numbers! Hope all's OK, etc."

(although I definitely WOULD be offended, but I'd never let them know.)

magicpixie · 03/10/2014 14:32

I think brans idea is the best

Romeyroo · 03/10/2014 14:35

Oh dear, I know how you feel. My dsis, who I get on really well with, got married and I was never invited to the hen party. My other sister asked me about it and if I was going, that was the first I had heard. Her chief bridesmaid obviously organised it so it was not directly her fault, but in the three years since, I have never said, so why did I not get an invite to your hen party and she has never said, why did you not come to my hen party? It was a bit bizarre.