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Original poster

Not invited to a dear friends party.

67 replies

Petrachat · 03/10/2014 12:32

Dp and I feeling very miffed, several friends have said "see you at the Birthday party", but its a party to which we have not been invited ,this is painful and rather embarrassing as the party givers are very good friends and people have assumed we would be there. We have not had any form of disagreement with them, but now feel we are far less important to them, than they are to us. Would you contact them to find out if there is a problem, or just leave it.

OP posts:

WannaBe · 03/10/2014 14:41

I think if you ask and they say it's a mix up it will probably be to save face rather than it genuinely being a mix up. If they are generally good people (and not inviting a good friend to a party doesn't make them less so) they will not want to upset you even if they genuinely don't want you at their party.

And reality is that you will never know whether you actually should have been invited or whether you were invited out of embarrassment at being asked.

I wouldn't ask. I wouldn't step back from the friendship either, but I would view it with less expectation.

exexpat · 03/10/2014 15:06

I think asking directly as Branleuse suggests is fine too, but you are probably less likely to get an honest answer if the lack of an invitation was deliberate.

If a friend asks, the hostess might say 'oh god, I know I should really invite petrachat, but every party we have her DH gets drunk and tells the same embarrassing stories, and we've got my new boss coming' or whatever...

WannaBe · 03/10/2014 15:31

thing is, if op was intended to be invited at some point the host would ask whether she was coming.

If you don't get a response you don't generally think someone isn't coming and you chase it up - esp if they're a good friend.

I would tell people you haven't been invited but I wouldn't ask people to find out why - I really don't think it's likely there's been a mistake/mix up, and asking cannot end well.

QuintessentiallyQS · 03/10/2014 18:00

That makes sense. If ops friends are not reminding OP about the party, one must assume they are not invited.

Original poster

Petrachat · 03/10/2014 18:54

Thank you, some brilliant advise, I had worked up the courage to fire off the "people keep asking me email", then I read WannaBe and QuintessentiallyQS, of course if the invite is lost, and we have not responded, they would have called to see if we were coming!!, so we have to assume we are not asked. Now going to check out self help guides on "How not to hold a grudge".

OP posts:

rollonthesummer · 03/10/2014 19:00

I wouldn't assume that. They may just not want to hassle people for replies.

Stirrup · 03/10/2014 19:06

If the invite has got lost, they haven't realised and you haven't replied, they might think you're dissing them somehow.

I would just ask them because if it is deliberate then maybe you need to find why so you can fix whatever has happened (if anything has).

ScrambledEggAndToast · 03/10/2014 19:14

Let us know what happens

AlmaMartyr · 03/10/2014 19:20

They might call to check if you were coming, I don't chase up invitations. I'd be distraught at forgetting to invite a close friend. That said, I would probably leave it too. If it has been an accident, you can sort it out together at a later stage. Tough for you though.

YoYoYooooo · 03/10/2014 19:41

I think NoSquirrals email is spot on

"Hello X, bit awkward but everyone keeps assuming we're coming to your birthday party - just wondered if we've missed something? Promise not to be offended if you're having to limit numbers! Hope all's OK, etc."

I wouldn't change a word

lunar1 · 03/10/2014 20:30

Keep an eye out for a thread titled, my friend hasn't let me know if she's coming to my party what should I do?

Original poster

Petrachat · 03/10/2014 20:42

V Funny, lunar 1

OP posts:

WannaBe · 03/10/2014 20:49

so, these are friends good enough to go on holiday together yet people think if they didn't get a rsvp to an invite they would assume op was dissing them? seriously?

It's common practice to ask whether someone is coming or not - or even to drop party into a conversation at some point - nothing awkward about that at all.

Whereas if you don't get an invite there is no polite way of asking whether or not there's been an oversight, and even if there hasn't, there's no polite way of saying "no sorry, you're not invited."

I really wouldn't ask. We're talking about adults here not children. Invites don't routinely get lost (and chances are that invites wouldn't be written anyway, not to a birthday party)

ClashCityRocker · 03/10/2014 20:59

Could it be they assume you are coming anyway?

Or one thinks the others asked you?

I forgot to invite a very close friend to my wedding because of that - there was a phone conversation that went 'erm....have you sent the invites out yet?' And it dawned on me.

It's not your birthday by any chance, and they're throwing a surprise party for you?

Chandon · 03/10/2014 21:02

God, I really would not ask.

I was once challenged by a passive aggressive mail, like suggested on page 1 here, and I said: no there was not a mistake, actually

Reason was that they came to our house a lot, but never really reciprocated, as they don't like entertaining at their own house.

So I thought I'd miss them out for once, even though others asked them: why did you not come to Chandon's party.

You don't have to invite all your friends to all your do's IMO

Chandon · 03/10/2014 21:03

Another friend I rarely invite has a husband who is so prim and proper he sucks the fun out of any room! My husband can't stand him, so we rarely invite them.

I am soooo mean...

reup · 03/10/2014 21:16

This happened to me recently. We were asked to save the date for a big joint birthday party. We then never heard anything else. I didn't chase it up as I thought one of the other hosts may have been ill (one had had cancer) or there was a problem with the venue (there had been earlier issues). So 2 days before i got an are you coming text! They had sent the invitations by text (a link to a website). It was too late for us to go as we had made other arrangements. It was a big shame and I worry that they were offended as we haven't heard from them since. (4 months)

WannaBe · 03/10/2014 21:25

IMO it's different if you've been asked to save the date and then don't hear anything, you can then say "somethings come up and we need to know whether or not we still need to keep x date open?" then they can just say yes/no.

But I'm assuming here that the op didn't even know there was going to be a party, and that discussion of it has come as a surprise to her.

plantsitter · 05/10/2014 10:57

Chandon I think telling someone they don't invite you to their house enough by not inviting them to a party is way more passive aggressive than the email above.

Also don't expect to keep the friend with the 'boring' husband will you.

Chandon · 06/10/2014 19:28

No, I quite agree plantsitter.

That was my nasty side coming out.

The husband is quite something though, very wealthy and talks and talks and talks, only about money. it is quite a trial.

FriendlyLadybird · 07/10/2014 14:00

We weren't invited to a wedding once, of two people we were quite close to and who'd been to ours.

I didn't say anything and it was only afterwards, when they came over and showed us the pictures, that my DH jokingly asked why we hadn't been invited (he can carry that sort of thing off). They were frantic about it -- they hadn't invited us because for some reason they believed that we were away. It was awful because we were trying to say that we didn't mind, but without suggesting that we were GLAD not to go!

I think the 'people have been asking us ...' email is the way to go.

Original poster

Petrachat · 12/10/2014 01:06

From the OP ,
The upshot of the party , it seems we and 2 other GF were intentionally not invited, because we are vegetarians ( non- evangelical), and they were cooking meat!!.
Mr Petra and I are currently engaged in re- thinking our relationship with said GF's.
Thanks to all who offered advise.

OP posts:

mmmuffins · 12/10/2014 11:35

How hurtful to be left out for such a silly reason. If they were worried about feeding you they could have simply asked you to bring a dish you liked. I really do wonder what their logic here is.

iwantgin · 12/10/2014 11:39

Wow. How strange.

Surelyknot · 12/10/2014 11:40

This kind of thing has happened to me regularly. I'm single, and I think I'm friends with somebody and then they invite a whole load of couples and not me and it feels like the rug has been ripped from under you.

I recommend doing precisely nothing though. It hurts like hell for a few weeks but it can be helpful in the long run. I now definitely prioritise friends who haven't pulled this stunt on me; the stunt that is well known to single women; come out and play during the week but see you on Monday. Anybody that has done that to me, it has hurt so badly when it dawns on me, but it sorts the wheat from the chaff and helps you know which friendships to really invest in to. I carry on the same btw, cheerful, chatty etc, and it is genuine, I just feel there's an awareness there that helps me make the right decisions when decisions are required. I wouldn't necessarily do or say anything differently (at first).

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