Should I be a SAHM? Views/experiences please!

[Tonicandgin]

What's it like? Good and bad stuff please!

Did you give up your career? How did you feel about it.
Are there many other mum friends to connect with and how?
Also how do you cope with much less £ than you had previously?

The good:

You get to spend lots of time with LO
No worries about how unsettled or settled they are at nursery
No guilt
You can keep an eye on their behaviour and habits
No stress about work

The bad:
It can be quite boring
You can feel isolated

I gave up my career & now can't get back into it
I get interviews but not the job
I have got a job but not in my career & 10k less than I used to earn
My advice is to go part time if you can

Hamster-how long were you a SAHM for?

Do you mind saying what field you were in?

Customer service management
Sahm 5 years
They seem to pick younger people
I'm nearly 40 & feel my life is going down the toilet
kids are now 7& 10
Do you have a career? Don't give it up just yet

Yes, I work in HR. Have worked hard to get where I am, but can't bear the thought of not being with my baby full time.

No idea what to do.

Part time is unlikely to be an option.

Yes. When my DS was 2 I decided to stop working in my old job.

I wasn't enjoying my job all that much, and was doing it PT at the point I handed in my notice.

Best decision of my life. He continued in nursery 2 days a week, as we could afford this still. As soon as he was 3 he started in 'state' preschool 5 mornings, so this was free. I loved having him at home every afternoon, and I made the most of it. Lots of people where I am are SAHMs so no problems meeting people. I am quite extrovert thought so don't struggle with that. Toddler groups and locally classes have meant I now have a wide circle of SAHM (and PT working mum) friends.

DS starts school this September, and I have secured a school hours job in a job I prefer. Will however have to work school holidays, so this will be a new challenge for me!

But, overall, pleased I made the move to being a SAHM. Only had about 2 years out of work though, and did a very limited amount of ad-hoc consultancy in my old industry (from home), as well as a lot of voluntary admin work which meant that I kept up/ make new contacts and skills. As he was in preschool every morning I had more of an opportunity to do these 'extras'.

Money wise was a bit more of a challenge. However, nursery fees previously were really very pricey for the 4 days he was in, and my fuel costs dropped a lot! But we did cut back in other areas and start shopping in Lidl, more meal planning, not a huge amount of eating out, reducing heating over the winter (lots of time at toddler groups helped!!). Temporarily dropped the amount we were saving, lowered pension contributions. These are now all back at the usual level as DHs salary increased over the same period.

What stage are you at OP? pregnant or planning, or you have a LO and on maternity leave?

Don't forget to consider the impact on your pension - ideally you should make contributions to a pension fund while being a SAHM, but that might obviously be difficult...

Think about the long term - what would your work experience be worth if it's say five years out of date? Can you volunteer or something, to keep it current?

And would you still be happy with the decision ten years down the line, if you have to restart your career from scratch?

How would your DP feel about being the sole breadwinner, with the associated pressure?

Better to consider everything before taking the plunge...

I'm on mat leave atm. No decisions have been made and I don't want to make a decision without considering everything.

I think my work experience would be out of date if I were at work for 5 years. I'm considering freelance, but struggling with how to get into it.

Dh is very supportive and happy to be the sole breadwinner. This decision is really around me and what I want to do.

At the moment, I think I'd be frustrated with having to restart my career and I wonder if I'd lose my confidence being out of work.

But I can't work out how to balance that against seeing my dc every day and watch them grow up.

So you've experienced being a SAHM for a wee bit. Why not go back to work and see how that feels. You can always change your mind a few months in. Plenty do.

You definitely would love your confidence being out of work. You'd gain all sorts of other ways of being confident of course, related to SAHM. But you forget. And feel like a weird useless alien

Why would part-time not be possible? Do you know others have had flexible working requests turned down?

I have had two years as a SAHM, went back to work recently (new job, same industry) for 4 days a week.

I didn't need to go back to work financially, it was a decision I made as I wasn't 100% happy being at home all the time (household chores are not my forte). I missed my freedom (yes, I know that comes with being a parent, but not even being able to go to the toilet on your own does become tedious), missed regular contact with people (I did make friends while on mat leave but the majority have gone back to work full- or almost full-time) and wanted to feel more equal within my relationship.

I thought I would relish being a SAHM and thought I would never want to come back to work. But after two years I realised it wasn't as easy being at home as I thought (!!) and that in fact, some time spent away from home would actually be beneficial to all of us. Our child has gone to a childminder three days a week (husband also takes a day off in week) which provides a homely setting for him and overall we've had no real problems with him settling in. He has gained new skills and confidence from spending more time around other children. I do sometimes feel guilty though for 'choosing' work over being at home but hey, being a parent is laced with guilt whatever you do or don't do.

I am pretty confident I made the right choice for me, coming back to work, but am now considering changing jobs to something with fewer hours or even starting something up on my own that's more flexible. I have been given 'free reign' by DH on what I want to do, so long as we're not massively out of pocket, and find myself asking what I REALLY want to do with my life.... my job is enjoyable but usual office politics etc bore me to tears sometimes. And when DS is being lovely I regret coming to work. But sometimes when he's being....testing....I am relieved I get a good break away.

I second the previous poster who suggested maybe going back to work, part time if you can manage, and THEN make a decision after experiencing both.

Being back at work isn't the same as before though, I can never stay to after work drinks as I have to dash for the childminder. But I have made some nice friends who have similar interests (not just people who happen to be parents to children of roughly the same age....nice enough as they are, most of my 'mum' friends I don't actually have much in common with).

I do feel more confident in myself being back at work. I am good at what I do. People ask my opinions on things. I produce tangible results. Parenting is never-ending, no real results, very fluid, and I found it absolutely knackering. The logistics now of childminder pick up/collection is a bit of a pain, but overall I think it's worth it. At the end of every month we aren't that much better off by me being back at work, my salary pays for childcare with around £200 extra each month most of which i spend on nice lunches during my break but it's about more than the money to me. I feel more like me again.

Hope that bit of insight helps a bit

I loved my first few years as a SAHM, but lost my mojo with it at some point around 6 years in (even though I had 2 more babies after becoming a sahm so still had a baby-toddler).

I loved it when I was very structured and motivated about being my DCs early years educator, planned crafts, outdoor time, groups etc. every day and interacted lots with other parents (for a year I was actually a childminder not technically a sahm, but a move abroad stopped that). With DC 3 the older 2 were in half day nursery (abroad so actually Kindergarten) and DC 3 was more of a parcel as I shipped them to drop off activities, but he is doing just as well, indicating my active planning with the first 2 wasn't actually that helpful! :o

I'd say the ideal would ne negotiating a longer career break with work - an extra 6 months or year, would that be at all possible? Or looking into proper part time (people who go back 4 days seem to do 5 days work in 4) but if you like your job don't stay fully out too long to get back in fairly easily.

I have been a sahm for the past 4 years, we couldn't afford childcare for my Dts, which was 1 of the reasons I decided to sah, but ended up loving it.

I am definitely ready to go back to work now though, i start a new job in September, in a newish field.
You don't have to stay at home for 5 years, can you take an additional years career break on top of my leave ?
Or go back and see how you feel then ?

Sorry, that should have been lose your confidence.

Dont do it.loss if earning,loss of career point,and presumably your dp unencumbered
Hows that work?you give up career he just carries on career?

Of course there are pros as well as cons. Not only the obvious time with DC, but

flexibility when they are sick and can't go to school / childcare
Being able to go to their school etc events
No big deal when you have to take them to apts (hospital, doctor, dentist or anything else)
Being able to have their friends over to play frequently and without huge planning
DC not having to miss things like birthday parties if their peers do them after school
More relaxed weekends as less has to be crammed in
More relaxed mornings
Doing things at the pace and to the schedule that suits you and your DC, not a nursery/ work/ childminder
Being able to stay in touch with parents and DC met at the baby stage more easily
Knowing your DC's friends well
Being more part of your local community - knowing everyone else who's home (benefits DC hugely too)

I couldn't take anymore time from work and they aren't willing to let me work part time.

Obvs this is a joint decision with dh, and he's more than willing to be sole breadwinner or else I wouldn't be considering it. We can financially do it, but it will mean much less £ for a few years.

I'd like to have another child too, so we'd probably plan one sooner if I decided not to go back to reduce the time I'd have not earning.

I'm not career driven, never have been, if I'd met dh earlier I would have probably had children earlier. But, I've worked very hard to get where I am, and I don't really want to throw it ALL away, but I'm prepared to work hard again to regain a bit of a career loss. It's just finding the balance.

Have you submitted a formal request and had it turned down? Sorry to bang on about this but a lot of women seem to give up on flex working very easily, employers don't have to grant it but they should have a business reason for refusing it, and if anyone else already does it it can support your case. No way of knowing when/if dc2 will arrive so while that is a factor you can't entirely plan around it.

I love it. Have a busy life though, with my hobby and all the things my DS likes doing. We never seem to be at home for long! Not having money can be a pita, but we get by, and time is more important. I went back to work initially and it was a nightmare - could never do it all to the standard I wanted to. DS's needs won overall, so I gave up work. Once this baby arrives, I wouldn't financially be able to work anyway, so it was a path we had always planned. You could always go back to work for a bit and see how it goes? I'm glad I did - I know for sure that it wasn't right for us, and there are no, 'what if' feelings.

I did it unwillingly due to a move abroad to a country where I couldn't work.

Upsides:
time with DS and a really close bond
Time to make friendships of my own with other moms and build a social circle, which has been great
More relaxed lifestyle compared to trying to juggle work and childcare etc.
Chance to pursue projects such as writing, volunteering that I couldn't do while working FT

Downsides:
Loss of career - really want to go back next year once DC 2 is born and about 6 months old but will be harder now to impress employers after a 3 year break.
Blow to self confidence - feels like I've done nothing with my life! Very easy to slip into 'Mad Men' gender roles even though DH is great.
Boredom - personally I found long days at home with a pre-verbal baby / toddler extremely dull. Started going a bit stir crazy! Easier now DS is older.

We were financially comfortable and could afford for me not work and if you are going to do it I would advise it only of being a SAHM is not a financial struggle. Being a SAHM on a tight budget would be tough I imagine, trying to find ways to keep DC and yourself entertained.

If you can, keep your hand in there with your career too so it is easier to go back into things.

Bear in mind too that if you have another baby, you will be entitled to a further year off work anyway,

Have you considered compressed hours with dh taking responsibility for CM/ nursery drop off pick ups. I went back PT after dd1 but then managed to get a job which although PT is v flexible - can work from home, just have to get the job done.

I know that it seems a long way off but many parents find that primary school is a crunch time for working. The endless assemblies, holiday cover, homework expectations etc. It might be worth going back (do you need to pay back any occupational ML if you don't? ) for a short while to see how you like it and then maybe see if you can find something more flexible for the longer term if you don't enjoy it. I am glad that I went back after dd1 as it made it easier to make an informed decision. Also consider the cost of childcare having two children close together. That was the nail in the coffin for us - take home pay £100 /day, train £25, 2 in nursery £73. Grand sum of £2. I was lucky though to get another job which pays similar rate of pay and fits in around family life.

I had a year of mat leave and then went back to work part time, 4 days a week, for another year. Then quit and became a SAHM, though I am also self-employed and work in the evenings as I didn't want to lose all contact with my field (education). But I earn less than a third of what I used to when working full time.

Pros:
not missing out on developmental stuff DC do
playing for a lot of the day!
flexibility

Cons:
loneliness-but I am shy and crap at making friends at groups-I've made a couple of good friends but otherwise find toddler groups quite awkward
lack of money-we have had to budget very carefully and have made sacrifices, like we live in a very small house and are being left behind in terms of the property ladder as we can't afford to move for years