partner walked out - now choosing new girlfriends child over his own

[cj1012]

Hello and thanks for taking the time to read this post. My partner walked out on my 3yr old daughter and myself last October. He is seeing someone else and said he met her after he walked out, which I don't believe at all. He has been really nasty about the whole thing which is obviously very hurtful to me and my daughter. He sees his daughter once a week on a Saturday, but a couple of weeks ago I found out he has taken my daughter out with his new partner and her daughter. I was very angry at this as I feel it is far too soon in his relationship to introduce anyone to our daughter, she is only 3 and it is a difficult enough for her with her dad walking out. I know nothing about this girl or her background apart from her ex partner cheated on her and also beat her up, and am frankly not interested at this present moment in time. Another reason I do not want my daughter to be part of his new relationship. I do not give him overnight access as he has bipolar and on many occasions when he was looking after our daughter when I popped out to the shops I would come back and he had fallen asleep. He has an 11 yr old son from a previous relationship and he split with this girl when his son was 6 months old. I was always the one who looked after his son when we had him and I am certainly not going to allow another female to be responsible for the care of my daughter . I have sought legal advise and I am well within my rights to refuse him access until he understands the times he sees our daughter are for him to bond with her, not to play along with his jolly games playing happy families. It is about our daughter and not what he wants but what is best for her going forward. I asked him yesterday if he could look after our daughter for an hour so I could go yo a palates class, and he initially said no but then yes, today he text me to say he was babysitting his girlfriends daughter also and he would bring her along, I said absolutely not he said if he could not then he can't Do it, the short of it he has chosen another persons daughter over his own flesh and blood, which frankly disgusts me.
Any view/comments Would be appreciated thanks for reading. ??

Are they living together?

To be honest with you I don't think that pulling contact would be in the best interests of your daughter. If you were to do this and you ex went down the court route he could end up with more access than he has now and legally you would have no say who your DD spend time with whilst in his care.

I can understand your upset at the breakdown of your relationship but you have to separate the two and sort out an access agreement. Have you said (calmly) to you ex that you think it's too soon for your DD to be spending time with his girlfriend and her daughter? Possibly suggested when you think is a suitable time? What has his response been?

Not absolutely sure what comments you want/need? You don't allow him to have his daughter overnight or contact with her other than when he obeys the rules you have decided on. You say you are legally entitled to do so and seem absolutely clear that you are justified.

You just might want to consider that your comments about parents with MH issues are, you know, wildly offensive.

If the affects of medication taken for mental health or mental health cause him to fall asleep then the OP is quite within her right to limit the contact overnight so she can make sure her child is safe.

I apologise if I am being over-sensitive; this is an issue that is personal for me. I was looking at the statement 'I did not give him overnight access as he has bipolar'. This suggests that parents with MH issues are not fit to have their children overnight.

The falling asleep thing was obviously not worrying enough for the OP to take any kind of action about previously, as she says she left her DD in his care 'on many occasions' and in any case, this clearly happened during the day when she still allows contact (when the ex does as he is told) So the MH issues seem a fairly convenient reason to deny overnight access.

Perhaps better advice would be for OP to post in legal as I'm not sure she has had reliable advice with regard to withholding contact on the grounds that the ex spends time with other people during his parenting time. Particularly as one of the objections to the new g/f seems to be that she was the victim of DV. Nice.

Thanks for your varied comments. This post was not about bipolar as a whole but the safeguarding of my child. No person in their right mind would put their child in jeopardy. I have a set day in place that father sees child and this is only day that he days suit him. Has had plenty of opportunity for more access but declines when it suits him.there are other mitigating circumstances to the scenario but will not overindulge my initial blog.

Yes tried all avenues of discussion. I Am Happy with the legal advise I have been given. Ex can be very selfish and I dont think he is thinking if dd best interest, only his own. He did agree to only spend time with dd alone but again has changed his mind.

Do they live together?

Again I will reiterate that pulling contact on these ground is neither fair nor wise.

When two people meet each other and they have children from previous relationships, its natural for them to want to all spend time together.

When you asked if he could look after dd whilst you did a hobby, he was doing it to help you out. He was also looking after his gfs child too. So he was doing you both a favour! He isnt going to put you first over his girlfriend.

Yes he should put dd first, but in this instance, it wasnt a contact day, he was looking after dd so you could do a hobby class.

You cancelled him coming as he wasnt willing to drop everything to help you out. He wasnt willing to put you first over his gf.

The man has done nothing wrong.

I don't think you have any reason to be angry about that situation. And I think you are being overly dramatic, that doesn't prove he is putting the other girl before his own 'flesh and blood'.

Don't ask for informal visits. Stick to the access arrangements you have and try and put your feelings about your failed relationship with him aside, so he and your dd can continue building their own relationship together.

^

This

King

I ve re-read the op since you mentioned the bits i didnt recognise.

The op says she THINKS he was having an affair when they were together.

Regardless of what he hasn't done, or has done is irrelevant to the ops complaint that he wouldn't put her hobby before his new girlfriend.

I don't think he was putting the other girl first. He was doing a favour for his girlfriend, you asked him for a favour also, over and above contact time. He tried to accommodate you but you refused because he wouldn't drop everything to be at your beck and call.

How would his new girlfriend feel if he dropped her in it with child care because you had clicked your fingers.

Also as time goes on you won't be able to dictate who your dd does or does not see when she is in his care, just as he can't dictate to you. I totally agree that he should spend time alone with his dd but life goes on and part of being a family is spending time together.

Addict

Excellent post!

I think Op you should take more legal advice.

No court will tell your ex that you can chose who can and can't be around your child. He has every right as you to make those decisions as long as its not a safe guarding issue. Ie she's a convicted sex offender.

And people with mental health problems have children and look after them. 1 in 4 people experience mental health problems so say in the future you develop mental health problems should your dc be took off you?

How would you feel when you meet someone else and he tries to put "rules" in place about who your child spends time with while in your care?

I think you are being ridiculous and your attitude sounds like it comes from bitterness at the demise of your relationship rather than what is sensible.

Your legal advice is wrong too.

I agree with addict and some previous posters.
He did nothing wrong, just stick to the contact times you have arranged and you won't have an issue.

Unfortunately you can't tell him who he can spend time with while he has your daughter. It's upsetting I know but it sounds like you need to let go.

Try thinking of him only as your dd's dad and not your ex

I hope you get things sorted

" I have sought legal advise and I am well within my rights to refuse him access until he understands the times he sees our daughter are for him to bond with her, not to play along with his jolly games playing happy families."

I agree with Back2Basics that you need to check this legal advice. As I understand it, you cannot dictate who he may or may not associate with when he has your daughter.

Whilst I understand that you would like his time with your dd to be exclusive, you simply don't have the right to insist on it.

It is very hard to let go, I do understand OP.

I've found it very hard to relinquish control over dd to her dad and I have really good reasons o what he's done to me and her where if it went to court he would have a very tough battle on his hands.

It is so hard when you feel your so in the right over parenting styles and views. But it is in your dds best interest to have a good relationship with her dad.

I don't think there is anything wrong in getting him to help with adhoc child care, my dds dad helps me out for work meetings and nights out but I let dc go to him knowing I can't dictate who's around them. We've had some really awful arguments over this but I saw how this was affecting my dc and now have a mantra of smile smile smile whenever he pisses me off. We now get on fine and dc are much happier, I'm much happier and he helps out a lot more eg picking them up from gymnastics/taking them to school when I have an early start/ect ect all because I let it go and stopped fighting him.