16 year old girl 35 year old man

[ruthieeeeeeeee]

This time last week , i thought i was going to have an open discussion with my 16 and 2 week old year old daughter, about sex, after finding condoms in her room ...
As a single mum , i prided myself in our closeness...
unique honesty , trust .. unlike id ever had with my mother..
noticing her recent behaviour being different ...
ie. she was leaving home every evening.. but back before 10pm ..
giving me no cause for concern ..
i justifyed her keeness to be out as a teenage escapism ..
I questioned her about her "love interest" though coy , still no cause for concern ..
when i asked her why he wouldnt come to our house ... she said , she wasnt sure about him and our house was " boring "
so after 5 weeks of her frequent meetings with " 15 year mr X "
she asked if she could stay at his parents house overnight in the xmas hols ...
i agreed ,on condition that i speak with his parents ..
despite her awkwardness about my request , she agreed it was only fair and understood that as a mother of a daughter , it would be totally acceptable for me to touch base with his mother ...it would be strange if i didnt surely ?
so after speaking to "lisa" i confirmed that she was ok with my girl staying over .. i expressed that i hoped she wasnt inviting herself ..and without insulting her (lisa) said , "it goes without saying..separate bedrooms?"
to which she replied .. "of course"
i breathed out....
a mum who understood ....
putting the phone down , in hindsight , i didnt feel entirely comfortable with our exchange .. I put this down to her being a mother of a son, maybe its less of an issue ?
passed that thought off...
So now its xmas hols and i insist my girl comes home
she does
back to our school routine , she continues her regular nights out .. home by ten ..
Then , one sunday pm .. i find myself unable to get home .. i speak with my girl , im uncomfortable with the fact that i wont be able to be home untill 830 am .. feeling slightly embarressed , i ask to speak with "lisa"
would she mind if my girl could stay with her family ?
" yes no problem, "
awkwardly i express my concern it was a school night ..
she reassured me , she would see my girl off in time to get home in time for school ..
i humblely thanked her , again, in hindsight , i felt a little unsure , she didnt seem to share as parent would re my concern ...
i dismissed it as she was tired and it was no problem for her...a cool mum ?
So rewind back to last thursday...
after finding condoms in my 16 year olds room
grabbed the opportunity to have a heart to heart ... i wanted to allow her feel she could share with me her sexual activity ...
i reassured her i was ok with it .. lets just make sure she was safe , happy , not forced ... all the things a loving mum would say/do to make her girl feel she could trust me ...

then the awful truth ...

"i have had sex mum .. but i dont think you will be happy ... the boy ive been seeing "mr X"....is 35 years old...."

im not ashamed to tell you mums out there ... i found myself wretching in the toilet ...
i was so unaware of this reaction ... it was just human ...
i so wished she had not seen it , it didnt actually impact on her perception of the severity of this new found knowledge ....

The events that happened following this , i need not share ....
all i can say is, I found myself acting/behaving in an un filtered way ...
i didnt recognise myself ...
my girl even said , she had never seen me , in all her 16 years , show my complete and utter devastation ...
her "rock" had broken ...

so heres the conclusion....
after many emotionally fuelled conversations with friends /family/social services/ police /lawyers ....
the awful truth is....
THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ...

i know he had sex with my daughter when she was 15 (took her virginity)...but ive been informed its too hard to prove ...

and now she is 16... and consenting ... i have no power ...

i wanted to share this with you all, i take full responsibility for the fact that i should have met "lisa" in person... by the way ... she wasnt a parent .. she was HIS flatmate .....
how this woman could have done this to me, in full knowledge of my daughters age...I will find harder to accept than what HE has done ..

Again, want to share this with a warning , once your teen is 16... you are completely powerless.... please believe me, even now , my girl says its not my fault ... she is in love ....

with a broken heart I have to let her think ive accepted it ...
i know through setting my emotion aside , that if i try to stop this, they will only become closer ...

So 8 days in...
im accepting this is the biggest test of my parenting ...
its a lonely place
theres no law to help ...
just got to pray she has an epiphany

thank you for reading

hope it helps anyone out there who is going through this ........

Thanks twentyducks
Unfortunately it stayed with me for a long time and I spent the rest of my teens actively seeking out awful men in their 30's and did a lot of damage to myself. I firmly believe that men in their mid thirties only go for 16 year old girls when they're unable to succeed with women their own age.

Jon, I agree with you and a very brave post previously from you.

Newmorning - hardly long gone, she is only just 16 and if all is above board and he has fallen for her as you seem to think, why the lies? He knows what he is doing, that's why.

"if he has fallen for her as you seem to think"

I have absolutely no idea whether or not he's fallen for her. He might be the most perverted and loathsome abuser on the face of the planet for all I know.

Or he might be a lovely man who is going to give her the most wonderful life imaginable.

I don't think that either one of those possibilities is the case. I just allow that either of them might be the case

I just hate the subterfuge in what this man has done. Anyone who gets a flatmate to call themselves "Lisa" and pretend to be his mother will not be a lovely man.

This has really hit home with me. I was your dd, 20 years ago. I felt ashamed for many years after the year long relationship ended. But now I just feel repulsion towards a nan of that age taking afvantage.

Roussette, you're absolutely right. That does put a big question mark over his character which is why I say I don't think he's either a saint or the devil incarnate.

Time will tell how good or bad he really is.

The only point I'm making on this thread is that the age gap is not in itself necessarily the stuff of nightmares.

Where would you draw the line nm? 34 and 14? 33 and 13? 28 and 8?
Same age gap in all of them.

I know just one relationship with this age gap that succeeded and lasted for nearly thirty years until the man was killed in a motorbike accident. It was all above board from the start, there was certainly no sex for a long time, and whilst her parents were not happy they grew to accept it.

Every other relationship with this sort of age gap is for one reason and I have had to listen to much boasting down the pub from certain individuals of how young the girl they are shagging is.

This has started with deceit so is clearly in the latter category.

When I say the age gap, I mean the age gap in the case we're discussing.

It's very far from ideal and the associated problems are by no means inconsiderable but we shouldn't assume that the man is some kind of monster.

He might be a monster, but we shouldn't assume that he is.

But IMHO he has already behaved "monstrously" by lying, by facilitating lies and by encouraging the daughter to lie...

OP you sound like a very caring mother, doing the best you can for your DD. No words of comfort I'm afraid, only my best wishes and hopes for you both.

I feel for you, at 16 (I was very mature, left school, went to college, had job,ran household in parents absence etc) I met a 27 year old and moved in with him about half the time. My parents were beside themselves. I fell head over heels for him, hated teenage boys etc because I was so far ahead of them maturity wise. He was actually very lovely and in some ways I was more mature than he was! It fizzled out when, at 18, I realised I was a totally different person than when we met and he was always going to be a directionless, weed smoking dropout (albeit a lovely one). And 20 years on, he still is.

There was nothing my folks could do so they welcomed him into the family and we all actually got on really well.

FWIW, my Dad was an unemployed alcoholic and most of my partners have been older. Not rocket science to work out why! I am now single for the first time ever and loving it, but I do wonder if some counselling at that time might have prevented some of my mistakes, although I may not have been up for it.

And I also have a 16 year old daughter and I want to lock her in the cellar, but I know I can't!

Do you know any dangerous people I would send someone by him he would soon end the relationship . Im full of rage for you .

WTAF? This thread is insane. I think I actually would inform the police - there must be SOME proof that he was seeing her at the time she was 15.

Sorry, no 35 year old man "falls hopelessly in love with" a 15 year old. No fucking way. There is something wrong with him if he did.

The age gap IS a problem. 35 and 55, no. 35 and 15 there is a massive fucking problem.

Most people don't fancy teenagers, unless they are actually teenagers.

Fucking hell, what kind of man what's to be with a 15 year old child?

A dirty fucking perv

I am a Mum to a 14 year old daughter...Fundamentally YOU feel it is wrong on all levels that your daughter is having sex with a 35 year old..you are right
You are her Mum and now it is your responsibility that she does not continue this trend
Where is her Dad in this picture ??
My heart goes out to you and deep down we all worry our daughters go down this path
Talk to her and tell her frankly that this guy is actually"raping " her as she is under 16(with or without her consent) Sorry Mum but seek police advice asap

I had a similar-ish experience to jonsnow. When I was 17 I got together with a 32 year old. I was unpopular at my (straight laced private girls') school, desperately lonely, and just grateful that a man (any man, pretty much) took an interest in me.

Fast forward 10 months, I was at uni, and dropped 32yo BF as soon as I could because bugger me, but there were blokes my own age who were genuinely into the idea of a tomboy, metalhead, ungirly GF.

I quickly realised that 32yo was socially inadequate and actually not quite....right. Even to my naive and inexperienced eyes. My mum knew about him but didn't make a big thing of it. Maybe she could see it would fizzle once I got to uni.

So please don't despair OP. Your DD's relationship may fizzle in just the same way, particularly if she's off to college or similar soon. (Is she? Or does she have any other life event coming up?)

Oh yes - my 32yo BF, after I dumped him, got together with a 16 yo (he'd have been 35 then). They're still together AFAIK. That does feel very wrong, but it's 21 years later now. Not that that makes it feel any less wrong; I think that girl has chucked away her best years on that sorry loser.

It is legally rape, yes. Because a 15 year old cannot consent. In the eyes of the law they are not sufficiently mature to be able to make that decision with full understanding.

No, of course a magic switch doesn't change that on the eve of a person's 16th birthday - in my opinion the law should also cover 16-18 year olds being groomed into sex by a person who is more than 10 years their senior.

I see one of the objectionable posts have been deleted.

Obviously a lot of strong feeling here... but judging from what some friends in law enforcement/child protection have said about a similar issue that we were discussing I don't think going to the police now will do much apart from antagonising said daughter and possibly pushing her further towards this guy. It's currently legal and consensual, so they won't be looking to do anything unless he's in any sort of loco parentis scenario. The damage has been done now so the best course of action is to help her come to her own decision (because it needs to be her decision) that he's all the things people have said here and more. If she's forcibly wrenched away from him it'll set it in her mind as some great love and a latter day romeo and juliet story. Best possible outcome is that in a couple of months' time she passes him on the street with her friends and walks on giggling about what a loser he is. OP, do you know where she met this bloke? Maybe you could encourage her to do something involving spending a lot of time with boys her own age instead and hope she meets someone better?

Whenever anyone defends actions like this on behalf of a much older man grooming a young girl it always just feels like rape apologising and general woman hating to me.

You've seen too many films: this isn't love conquering all. This is a duplicitous man with a plan grooming a child.