16 year old girl 35 year old man

[ruthieeeeeeeee]

This time last week , i thought i was going to have an open discussion with my 16 and 2 week old year old daughter, about sex, after finding condoms in her room ...
As a single mum , i prided myself in our closeness...
unique honesty , trust .. unlike id ever had with my mother..
noticing her recent behaviour being different ...
ie. she was leaving home every evening.. but back before 10pm ..
giving me no cause for concern ..
i justifyed her keeness to be out as a teenage escapism ..
I questioned her about her "love interest" though coy , still no cause for concern ..
when i asked her why he wouldnt come to our house ... she said , she wasnt sure about him and our house was " boring "
so after 5 weeks of her frequent meetings with " 15 year mr X "
she asked if she could stay at his parents house overnight in the xmas hols ...
i agreed ,on condition that i speak with his parents ..
despite her awkwardness about my request , she agreed it was only fair and understood that as a mother of a daughter , it would be totally acceptable for me to touch base with his mother ...it would be strange if i didnt surely ?
so after speaking to "lisa" i confirmed that she was ok with my girl staying over .. i expressed that i hoped she wasnt inviting herself ..and without insulting her (lisa) said , "it goes without saying..separate bedrooms?"
to which she replied .. "of course"
i breathed out....
a mum who understood ....
putting the phone down , in hindsight , i didnt feel entirely comfortable with our exchange .. I put this down to her being a mother of a son, maybe its less of an issue ?
passed that thought off...
So now its xmas hols and i insist my girl comes home
she does
back to our school routine , she continues her regular nights out .. home by ten ..
Then , one sunday pm .. i find myself unable to get home .. i speak with my girl , im uncomfortable with the fact that i wont be able to be home untill 830 am .. feeling slightly embarressed , i ask to speak with "lisa"
would she mind if my girl could stay with her family ?
" yes no problem, "
awkwardly i express my concern it was a school night ..
she reassured me , she would see my girl off in time to get home in time for school ..
i humblely thanked her , again, in hindsight , i felt a little unsure , she didnt seem to share as parent would re my concern ...
i dismissed it as she was tired and it was no problem for her...a cool mum ?
So rewind back to last thursday...
after finding condoms in my 16 year olds room
grabbed the opportunity to have a heart to heart ... i wanted to allow her feel she could share with me her sexual activity ...
i reassured her i was ok with it .. lets just make sure she was safe , happy , not forced ... all the things a loving mum would say/do to make her girl feel she could trust me ...

then the awful truth ...

"i have had sex mum .. but i dont think you will be happy ... the boy ive been seeing "mr X"....is 35 years old...."

im not ashamed to tell you mums out there ... i found myself wretching in the toilet ...
i was so unaware of this reaction ... it was just human ...
i so wished she had not seen it , it didnt actually impact on her perception of the severity of this new found knowledge ....

The events that happened following this , i need not share ....
all i can say is, I found myself acting/behaving in an un filtered way ...
i didnt recognise myself ...
my girl even said , she had never seen me , in all her 16 years , show my complete and utter devastation ...
her "rock" had broken ...

so heres the conclusion....
after many emotionally fuelled conversations with friends /family/social services/ police /lawyers ....
the awful truth is....
THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ...

i know he had sex with my daughter when she was 15 (took her virginity)...but ive been informed its too hard to prove ...

and now she is 16... and consenting ... i have no power ...

i wanted to share this with you all, i take full responsibility for the fact that i should have met "lisa" in person... by the way ... she wasnt a parent .. she was HIS flatmate .....
how this woman could have done this to me, in full knowledge of my daughters age...I will find harder to accept than what HE has done ..

Again, want to share this with a warning , once your teen is 16... you are completely powerless.... please believe me, even now , my girl says its not my fault ... she is in love ....

with a broken heart I have to let her think ive accepted it ...
i know through setting my emotion aside , that if i try to stop this, they will only become closer ...

So 8 days in...
im accepting this is the biggest test of my parenting ...
its a lonely place
theres no law to help ...
just got to pray she has an epiphany

thank you for reading

hope it helps anyone out there who is going through this ........

As long as nobody in authority seems to take seriously the problem of underage sex ie prosecutions then it will continue. I think the age gap is something to be very much concerned about if the girl is 16 and the man is 35. And I agree that decent men of 35 should not be with 16 year old girls.

Rousette, I agree totally with what you say.

If this man dumps her, he should be strung up.

However, until he does dump her, he should be allowed to live – and I wish them both every happiness.

OMG newmorning, do u even have children?? Entirely decent men do not sleep with children!!

His age is completely relevant! He is an established adult, she is a schoolgirl! The power inbalance is huge, her vulnerability is increased due to this imbalance...

OP you need to meet him, he needs to meet her protector. He needs to know she has adults who will protect her. Personally I would want to smash his face in, but you'd submit power to him if he has any reason to play victim.

I hope everyone remonstrating with this man is also reporting his posts. They have no place on a parenting website.

newmorning... what on earth are you on. Where would be your upper age limit then? It's OK for a 50 year old man to take the virginity of a 15 year old is it??

He can dump her when he chooses, just as a 16 year old boy can.

You wish them both every happiness? Words fail me. So the fact this 35 year old man lied and got someone to pretend to be a Mum of a family to enable this 15 yr old to stay with him... that escapes you?

I feel so so sorry for Ruthieee... I would be beside myself with worry.

I lost my virginity at 16 to a man who was 30. I didn't see myself as vulnerable and groomed back then and I still don't now. I wanted it to happen. Obviously I was of the legal age when it happened, but I don't see that a few weeks makes a huge difference in the level of maturity or readiness. It does however make a difference legally.

I totally understand the OP's anguish and devastation. My mum would have felt the same if she had known. I also think that my mum would have been devastated if the guy had been the same age as me, but she would have been slightly less devastated.

OP - your feelings are natural for those of a caring parent. I know that it isn't much consolation, but if your dd is anything like I was at that age then she knows that you would be devastated and that is why she has lied to you. She obviously cares about what you think and feel and has acted dishonestly partly to try and spare your feelings and to not make you think badly of her.
I agree that this 'lisa' woman is the person who has behaved most badly. Chances are that your daughter would have found a way to do what she wanted though.
Be there for your daughter and let her know that despite everything you live her just the same and that you will always be available as a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear as she will need to know that when the relationship inevitably ends.

I don't know how old you are nm but I'm 35. I know a couple of 'mature' 15 year old boys and girls. They are emotionally, intellectually and in every way still children. They of course think they are old enough to make adult decisions. There is not the remotest thing someone my age could reasonably find sexually attractive in them. The thought is laughable - unless if course you are a very twisted individual.

The age gap in this scenario is definitely cause for concern.

If she were 25 and he 55 you could argue both parties are adults and making informed decisions independently.

I simply don't believe that's likely to be the case in this dynamic. Much more likely the adult man is fulfilling his own agenda and exercising greater power in driving the relationship.

I have a friend that entered into such a relationship at 15, amazingly with her parents approval. It has had a negative effect on subsequent relationships her whole life.

My utter sympathies OP, I understand your hurt and frustration. Just be there to catch her.

"Lisa" needs a bloody slap BTW.

If the question is "Should men be having sex with 15-year-old girls?" the answer is clearly that they should not.

But would the mother be any happier if the couple had waited until the girl was 16?

My impression is that she would not and that her anguish comes from the deception involved.

My impression is that she would not and that her anguish comes from the deception involved.

And perhaps the fact that she feels her daughter has been taken advantage of by a much older man.
There is a reason that I didn't tell my mum when I was seeing a man of 30 when I was 16 years old and it is a lot more than not wanting her to know that I was no longer a virgin (although that was a part of it).

I've posted this about this before, so apologies, but this OP rings so many bad bells for me.
My first sexual experience was when I was 15 years old with a man in his mid 30's. He sent me a stream of filthy texts, which as a clueless child with a crush, I thought meant he must have really liked me. When we had sex, I knew I'd made a massive mistake and I wanted to stop and he didn't. I now know this makes it rape, but as a 16 year old child I didn't get this, and just told myself he was "just so into me." He was a social and sexual inadequate and I, being sixteen and very unworldly, just saw him for an older, exciting man who could drive, had a job, etc.
when I unexpectedly saw him a couple of years ago when I was mid 20s I was sickened at how distorted my perceptions had been.
So, I know my views are clouded, but IMO NORMAL men in their mid thirties don't have sex with sixteen year old children.

"And perhaps the fact that she feels her daughter has been taken advantage of by a much older man."

Very much so, I'm sure.

And if he's taken advantage of her, I say 'Death to him!'

But if his intentions are honourable, I think they should be given a chance.

If his intentions were honourable he would not have gone to the extent of getting his flat mate to lie to the OP.

"If his intentions were honourable he would not have gone to the extent of getting his flat mate to lie to the OP."

I don't agree. He could be completely in love with the girl but also well aware that her mother is likely to disapprove of his wanting to sleep with the girl.

If that was the case (that he is completely in love) he would have happily waited until she was 16 and then gone to visit the girls mum and been prepared to take any flaming, grilling etc that he got.

She is still the same person she was before she had sex with this man.

If history is any guide, love has a habit of making people act impulsively rather than sensibly and properly.

Your views don't seem clouded to me at all Jon. Sorry to hear you had such an experience :(

Love and lust and infatuation are different emotions and should not be confused with each other.

Report him to the police.

I would report him, too. Its a red flag at least and the police should be aware. Good luck.

You may be thinking you don't want her to resent you by calling the police but imagine how she might feel in
10 years time if you don't do everything in your power to protect her.

As I grew up my very best friend was in a similar position. She too lost her virginity to a man in his thirties, when she was 15. He wooed her, bowled her over, picked her up from school in his red sports car, and now she looks back on what he did as sleazy and disgusting. She was in his thrall and she didn't have a clue what he was doing.

It's just beyond me how someone can justify a 35 year old man taking a 15 year old girl's virginity and doing so by fabricating lies and pretending he was a young boy with a mother who rings and make arrangements for a sleepover with his family. OK OK the daughter lied too but he is TWENTY years older than her and his lies are far more evil in their intention.

"taking a 15 year old girl's virginity and doing so by fabricating lies"

That's not how it happened. The virginity was long gone before the deceptive phone call took place.