Pregnant and no idea what to do

[Mummyinpink1289]

Hi There,

I really cannot speak about this to anyone and cannot see a way out unless i do so i wanted to talk about it on here hoping to hear others views on my screwed up situation.

I have 2 children from a previous relationship , recently married my new partner - we have been together 2.5 years and he desperately wants a baby of his own.

the thing is, i know from my other 2 children that having a child with someone is a lifelong attachment to that person and i am lucky that the father of my first 2 children is a very kind, nice person and we deal with things very well. my current partner however is very posessive, has a nasty temper (never has he hit me but he gets angry quickly) and i have just found out i am 1-2 weeks pregnant with his child and all i can think is even though i love him dearly im not sure if i can cope with his negative behaviour for the next 20 years. When we first got together and when we fell in love, he was some what different - then after a year he gradually started getting worse, his mum has let him get away with him disrespecting her since he could talk and so he tends to behave a bit like a spoilt brat a lot of the time and i spend most of my weekends having a go at him for being rude or winding the kids up and making them cry - basically its like having a teenage boy around the house most of the time. stropping around if anything goes wrong - and god forbid anything breaks in the house its the end of the world. obviously this is mainly the bad side to him, and then there is the good side but im just not sure if its enough to keep us together. but then again im not sure if i could leave him either. I would be lost without him.

He doesnt know that im pregnant - i found out today. and hes told me all of the usual he'l do everything for me and look after the baby etc as ive alreayd been through this twice and tbh i didnt really want anymore children. i know that at the end of the day, as the mother, that i will be the one left to deal with the baby once hes decided hes had enough and storms off in a sulk. and then if we break up, i cant face having 3 children from 2 broken relationships so if i keep this baby i will have to make my relationship work.I just really dont know what to do.

i know none of you guys can make my decision for me, i just cant trust anyone to tell them incase i chose to terminate the pregnancy so i turned to mumsnet for advice!

Any advice would be welcome.

Juno - my comment is far from ignorant I assure you. My DH and I both struggle with depression, and it is very apparent to those who are close to us. DH keeps it entirely hidden from work, but friends and family know he is having a tough time, it isn't only me and his Mum who see when he is struggling.
I get so fed up because every time there is a thread on here with a man who behaves like this, someone pops up and says 'ooh do you think he might be depressed', as if that excuses it. It also gives the totally incorrect impression that abusers and men with depression are one and the same thing.

OP so basically he is fine as long as he has your undivided attention? And as soon as you have to balance your children's needs with his then he gets 'in a mood' as you put it? What a fine, upstanding example of manhood he is

Juno this guy is showing no sign of wanting to work on his issues though, is he?

I don't think you can make him grow up OP, it strikes me that you love him in a teenager-ish sort of way - you're happiest when you're free to be teenager-ish with him, when your children aren't around. Larking about etc etc.

But you can't make him switch that bit off when you need him to be an adult with you and take responsibility.

Alibaba - I am sorry that you and your DH have depression issues. Having had them myself for years, I can empathise.

Depression manifests itself in so many ways - I suffered PND for 4 years and not one person in the world knew, other than my mother. I kept it hidden and when I tell people now, they often don't believe me as I seemed so 'happy'.

The OP's DH is being emotionally abusive, because he is struggling with temper and anger issues. There has been nothing to suggest he is violent, though nothing to suggest this won't happen either. Lots of things could/might/won't happen. We cannot know this. He might be depressed, he might not. I only asked. It's not an excuse.

Whether he wants to change or not, I have no idea. Again, I have asked the OP. My advice was 'tell him to get help or you will leave'.
Whether or not she leaves in the interim will depend on whether she considers herself and her children at risk.

Mummyinpink1289 You know the decision to terminate is entirely yours. 1-2 weeks IS a very early and you know it may not be viable anyway.

No matter your decision, your terror at being bonded to your husband for life is the real revelation that has come from this situation.

It would appear that your husband is not yet "ready" to become a father, or maybe he'd change once he is. You cannot assume everything would be rosy though and should instead plan for what if it ISN'T.

You said he's controlling now. Can you imagine if he knew you were pregnant? Some controlling men consider the woman to be only "the vessel" that contains "his" child. What about once you have the child? You already have 2 of "your own", maybe he'll decide this one is his. All conjecture of course but possible.

In your situation I would leave him for sure. Doing so without any 'ties' would be a lot easier. I can't be sure if I'd terminate or not but I WOULD use this "scare" (if that's what you choose to tell him when/if he notices) to tell him that it made you realise that you don't want anymore children/children with him/whatever you want to say.

first of all, i want to apologise for my post the other day. I was speaking in total shock of finding out i was pregnant and thinking back to my mind set then i was in a bad place - i even went to the doctors that night to discuss termination. she advised i sleep on it and see how i feel in a few days and she was right to say that.
That day i spoke with my DH and i told him that we need to work on our marriage and make changes as we both dont want to lose each other. he agreed. we both agreed a big cause of our problems is that we spend every minute of every day together apart from when were at work which we plan to change and start having our own lives as well as our lives together.
I am going to keep my baby, i am distraut at the fact i ever considered any other option and almost want to call my doctor just to tell her i am not going through with a termination. The thought of a dating scan to see my baby to then terminate i just couldnt think of.

thank you for everyones advice, i understand why some of you were against our relationship however i am positive that going forward we will get our marriage back to how it was when we first met and both work on our tempers!

I'm so glad things are working out for you and your DH. I wish you all the luck in the world, both with your marriage and with your new baby.

I think it is lovely that you have decided to keep the baby.

Just for reference, if you choose to terminate, you don't go for a dating scan.

Thanks Juno, the doctor told me i would have to have a scan to find out how far gone i was as i dont know i can only estimate. as soon as that thought passed through my mind i think my mind was made up.

I told my DH last night and he was so excited, i think i caught him after he may have even shed a tear too when i came downstairs a few hours later.

Im scared but excited at the same time right now, also met with a friend who i trust with my life last night and told her and she was so supportive and made me feel much better about it all.

Really? How odd. They may scan you when you are out (if you are having a medical termination) but you absolutely do not get scanned whilst you are concious.

Anyway, you've made the decision to continue the pregnancy so I wish you all the best. Congratulations!

Hope things work out for you....thanks for updating.
Take care

well they say you can only have the tablet termination if you're 9 weeks or less (contrary to what it says on the bpas website) so they said i would need a scan to see how far down the line i am to decide which type of termination i would have to have. strange.

but anyway, thank you for your kind advice over the last few days - even though the odd person (mainly one person) had nothing productive to contribute everyone else did and it was what i needed to talk it out. so thanks for contributing.

Good luck and best wishes.

Come back and chat if you need, you won't get a consensus but we all mean well!