Pregnant and no idea what to do

[Mummyinpink1289]

Hi There,

I really cannot speak about this to anyone and cannot see a way out unless i do so i wanted to talk about it on here hoping to hear others views on my screwed up situation.

I have 2 children from a previous relationship , recently married my new partner - we have been together 2.5 years and he desperately wants a baby of his own.

the thing is, i know from my other 2 children that having a child with someone is a lifelong attachment to that person and i am lucky that the father of my first 2 children is a very kind, nice person and we deal with things very well. my current partner however is very posessive, has a nasty temper (never has he hit me but he gets angry quickly) and i have just found out i am 1-2 weeks pregnant with his child and all i can think is even though i love him dearly im not sure if i can cope with his negative behaviour for the next 20 years. When we first got together and when we fell in love, he was some what different - then after a year he gradually started getting worse, his mum has let him get away with him disrespecting her since he could talk and so he tends to behave a bit like a spoilt brat a lot of the time and i spend most of my weekends having a go at him for being rude or winding the kids up and making them cry - basically its like having a teenage boy around the house most of the time. stropping around if anything goes wrong - and god forbid anything breaks in the house its the end of the world. obviously this is mainly the bad side to him, and then there is the good side but im just not sure if its enough to keep us together. but then again im not sure if i could leave him either. I would be lost without him.

He doesnt know that im pregnant - i found out today. and hes told me all of the usual he'l do everything for me and look after the baby etc as ive alreayd been through this twice and tbh i didnt really want anymore children. i know that at the end of the day, as the mother, that i will be the one left to deal with the baby once hes decided hes had enough and storms off in a sulk. and then if we break up, i cant face having 3 children from 2 broken relationships so if i keep this baby i will have to make my relationship work.I just really dont know what to do.

i know none of you guys can make my decision for me, i just cant trust anyone to tell them incase i chose to terminate the pregnancy so i turned to mumsnet for advice!

Any advice would be welcome.

wow, serious poor choices here...

why the HELL did you marry this man?

Leave NOW. Then decide about the baby. I am pro-choice and believe every child should be wanted. Far, far better an abortion than an unwanted child.

get out NOW before you damage the children you already have any further.

If I were you, and I don't think you'll listen until major damage has been done, I would terminate without his knowledge, pack a bag and get the fuck away.

This is not healthy. It's not healthy for your DCs and they need to come before him. Always.

I can't find anything about intentionally getting pregnant, but that's fairly irrelevant.

People become pregnant - intentionally or not - and circumstances change.

Please don't say you are pro-choice, with caveats.

She has been posting on the 'conception' boards saying she's trying to conceive?

I am pro-choice. She can have a termination if she wants to - her choice. My choice to call her a fucking idiot though.

Op ....re Kings post I havn't read your previous posts....what you have posted here worries me enough. So his mum and his ex girlfriend know what he is like? I am assuming he has been abusive in some way to them? You sound as if you long for him to change....I fear this will never be the case.
As you ask my 'walking on egg shells' relationship years ago ended very badly. It did become controlling and violent. Frightening.
Please read what you have posted as if it were your best friend writing it.
Please protect your chidren and yourself....

if it was just me and no children involved then i would probably have already left, but i dont want it to affect them. the break up - him stalking me and stopping me leaving etc. and it's not as if i have no feelings for this man, i do love him and leaving him would kill me. he does control himself but i have a huge daily battle making sure of it - by having to sort of mother him and be his counsellor - each time something happens i end up saying things like 'can you not see how that would make x feel by doing that?' or 'you just cant act that way when you're a parent' day in day out and its tiring.

we agreed to have a child as he desperately wants one of his own and despite how much has been read out of context, the children see very little of anything as they are never aware of anything happening or its too quiet for them to notice. we dont have screaming shouting arguments its not like that, its the quiet sulks - i know hes in a mood but no one else does, so im on egg shells thinking oh god this will lead to a huge argument if he finds out etc. its hard to explain unless uv been in a similar situation. iv never put up with being told what to do by a man - hence why we end up coming to heads a lot when he wants to control me and i wont let him.

If he is possessive and prone to violent outbursts, is this really a place you want your 2 young children to be? Are you sure he would still treat your children as his own once he actually has a biological child of his own? When is he going to be 'mature'enough to act like a parent and not act like a stroppy teenager? Your children are very young, but they haven't got 3-4 years of childhood left for you to wait for him to grow up. Once their early years are gone, they are gone forever. You seem to be able to see his shortcomings and you don't want to be tied to him forever, so you need to get out, new baby or not.

It could be a deeply dark and frightening case of a man who will become increasingly abusive, and eventually end up harming you and/or your children.

Or it could be that he is depressed, or had temper issues, or just needs to control his frustrations better.

We can't tell this from this thread yet, so please, refrain from calling the op a 'fucking idiot' and throwing LTB comments out as a first port of call.

mummyinpink - you know your DH best. You married him, and he has got increasingly worse. Has anything happened? Could he be depressed? What is the ratio of happy/angry?

OP I've scrolled up and down and read this a couple of times, so apols in advance if there are a lot of xposts.

You seem to be only listening to Juno, the only one of us who hasn't told you straight away that you are in an abusive relationship and should be thinking of moving yourself and your children away from it before it goes really really awful.

You must ask yourself why about 20 people have immediately gone for LTB or variations, and only one for stick with him, and even then only if he's willing to do anger management therapy.

How can your relationship possibly be good when you spend most of your time "having a go at him for being rude or winding the kids up and making them cry" or being "a miserable person because of having to have a go at him constantly for his attitude"?

He's abusing you and your poor children. Please get out before this escalates further (marriage and then pregnancy are known triggers for escalation of abuse).

Op ....the children will be aware ESPECIALLY of his quiet sulks....
As you said you probably would have left already if it wasn't for your children.
You obviously dislike enduring his behaviour. Your children will dislike it also and become affected by it.

Yup - loads of xposts!

If you're already using up loads of energy managing him and his temper, how much will be left over for looking after a new baby?

I'm really sorry, I hear what you're saying about how much you love him, but it really doesn't sound very healthy, and I fear something bad will happen if you stay.

i know what you mean scoop, if i read this post i would say leave. based on the information given.

Its just harder actually carrying out advice and easy to give it, does that make sense? him and his ex always had a bad relationship, always argueing, never physical to the point he would hit her, and the fact he never got violent then to me says he wouldnt hit a woman as she pushed him a lot. but i cant judge our relationship on his past relationship. I really want him to change, and have been hoping given time to mature and as he gets older he will mellow and calm down a little. Im worried that this is all just a big fantasy though.

He has come a long way, from when we started to now he even speaks to his mum better because i do bring out the best in him, its just trying to get him to realise if he doesnt change, he will lose me. he just says sorry and thinks that its all forgotten when its not.

You're already minimising - earlier he "has a nasty temper", he strops, you spend all your weekends (when your kids are around?) trying to stop him "winding the kids up and making them cry". Now the kids don't see any of it?

You are lying to yourself, really, aren't you? The kids will be much much happier without him.

Have you asked him to try counselling? He obviously has temper issues, and probably mood swings by the sounds of it.

I am not saying you shouldn't leave him. This is ENTIRELY your decision and no group of strangers should ever be giving you the answer.

I am also not suggesting this isn't abusive - it certainly seems to be. But there are choices to make. You feel unhappy because if his moods and temper. You can either up sticks, take your children, leave and file for divorce, or you can work on your marriage.

I have friends who were in a very similar situation. They loved each other, and for the most part, things were great. But his temper was awful. He's fly off the handle and leave the room at the smallest thing. She told him to sort it out or she was gone. He got counselling, he got help.

They have been happily married now for 6 years since this happened.

Only you know if you feel threatened, or ever at risk. If you do, you have to go.

You can't save him. He's not some sort of renovation project, crying out for the love of a good woman to make it all right again. He's a nasty piece of work who has always been like this, he may have kept a bit of a lid on it until now but this is who he is. You can't change that, and in trying are just exposing your children to his abuse. You wouldn't want this for your DD, would you?

its really hard to say things on here as every word gets taken as absoulte and read the wrong way. when i said winding the kids up and making them cry, i mean imagine having a teenage boy playing with the younger ones, games that they like playing but end up being frustrated cos they lose etc. that winding up, i dont mean being horrible to them. i would never let him do anything like that, he plays with them but in a teenage brother way, not a parent way. because he acts like a teenager. all of his problems revolve around this one detail. He hasnt yet grown out of being a spoilt child.

no-one sees this side to him except me, his Mum and his ex-GF

Do you see a pattern here OP? Surely these are the people who he should love and cherish the most, but instead they are the ones he choose to abuse with this awful behaviour. Another pattern, you are all women.

He has no respect for you, clearly thinks that he owns you now that you are married. You have to accept that the person you saw before wasn't the real him, and that now you are seeing the truth.

I don't think he is depressed or anything like it - because otherwise he wouldn't be able to control his behaviour when he is with other people, it would be apparent to all.

You are absolutely lying to yourself if you think that your children don't notice his moods. Of course they will. They will notice his sulk, and your fear. How utterly hideous of them.

Please, please don't be one of those women who puts their new partner before their DCs. I don't understand how you can say that you would leave if it was just you, yet you stay because of your children? That is the most warped logic possible.

How do you know that he would stalk you and take your car keys? Have you tried to leave before and that is what happened?

That should say 'how utterly hideous for them'.

please stop making excuses for this man. You say leaving would kill you. I think that staying will eventually kill you, because he will do it. In the interim you will have 2, possibly three, children growing up in a violent household.

get out. Shame on you if you don't. You live in a country where there is help and there are NO excuses for putting your kids through what is coming.

you've made mistakes - who doesn't - now you need to grow up and sort it.

i guess i just needed to talk this out, until i make my decision i dont want to talk to anyone else about my rship as that only makes people judge you and if we stick it out i dont want that.

Thanks for all your advice, reading my posts i dont actually know how i ended up here. I guess this is how women end up in abusive relationships and i used to say that would never happen to me.

how much things change in a few weeks.

our relationship him and i when were alone is great, probably because im not on edge, but with the children i always feel on edge incase he goes in a mood about something when theyr around - which is doesnt do very much but because ive seen it once im always on edge to go into protect mode if that makes sense. like we go to burger king with the kids and there a queue - this immediately puts him in a mood, saying he doesnt even want to go in there now cos its packed. but we just told the kids theyr having a burger king so il be damned if im not going in now cos hes in a sulk, so we go in and he then moans theres nowhere to sit and it goes on until were home and then he regrets it and says sorry. little things like this. and then its great again.

Alibaba that is a really ignorant comment re depression. Many people with depression or other MH issues manage to put on a 'front' to the world - and actually, the fact that he only acts this way in front of the people he is closest to means it is more likely linked to depression, not less likely.

He sounds like he needs to grow up. You need to decide whether you want to stick around and help him through that, or if this isn't the right thing for you.

Either way, I agree with you that a new baby isn't a good idea right now.

Honestly? My advise would be not to have a child. You are at a very early stage in your pregnancy, so terminating it will be relatively simple, if you act now.

Don't tell him about the pregnancy and make plans to leave or to make him leave. There are people here who can advise you how to do it.

You made a mistake in marrying him - it's not the end of the world & it sounds like he intentionally hid this side of his personality until you were married, so I'd say you were tricked into marriage.

Get help, either here, CAB, Women's Aid or a solicitor and move on. You are young and can start again with your children. Just think, in a few months you and your children could be living a happy, settled life without him

specialsubject

Not all people who have anger issues murder their families. Bloody hell. How offensive to all the people who have coped with, and worked on their anger issues.