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Original poster

Attending family eent, abuser will be at ?

35 replies

differentuser · 28/12/2013 10:06

Name changed for this , My earliest memory was when I was around 4 and my uncle touching me sexualy and also making me do things to him, He was living with us at the time so have no idea if it was a one off or not but thats all I can remember.
Anyway I have never told anyone except dh and have managed to avoid family event I know he will attend though to be honest he has had pretty much no contact with my parents for over 10 years.
My dilema now though is my dsis is getting her dd christened in a few months time and told me yeterday she had invited him, My dd is just a little older than I was when this happened and I will have another dd who will be 2 weeks old at most on the day , I am terrified at the thought of being anywhere near him I had a nightmare last night for the first time in years, and the idea of him being anywhere near my dds is horrible , but what choice do I have my and dsis have only just regained contact and I know if i dont attend it will be used against me, If i do attend I will see him and since my dm adores him no doubt will want to show off her newest dd. wwyd ? in my nightmare last night I told them all what had happened , I wish I could but it would break there hearts.

Sorry for the ramble and crappy grammer.

OP posts:

Roshbegosh · 28/12/2013 10:11

You will have to make an excuse and not go. Don't do it, with a tiny baby surely you will have an excuse. Just make sure no one says they will take your DD when you can't go.

Whether you tell people is another matter but do not go to the christening.

longtallsally2 · 28/12/2013 10:17

Are you able to tell your dsis what happened? If her dd is at risk then you have good reason to tell now, whereas before this only affected you. It is possible that your dsis and dm will rally round your uncle in which case you risk being isolated, but your dsis may be prepared to believe you. I think that you will find a huge relief in telling after all of this time, even if they choose not to believe you. Your dh does, you now have a new family around you.

Best of luck whatever you decide to do.

NigellasDealer · 28/12/2013 10:20

I wouldn't go

Original poster

differentuser · 28/12/2013 10:24

Roshbegosh I have been racking my brain for good excuse should have mentioned the church is literaly around the corner from mine so I will be expected to attend and they would offer to take dd I i couldnt attend , my other problem is if we do go I dont know if dh will be able to refrain from saying something to him.
If it wasnt for him attending I would be looking forward to it lots of relatives I havent seen in years will be there.

longtallsally2 I have considered telling dsis Im not sure she would believe me though my other dsis wold without a doubt so maybe telling her would make it easier , my dm wouldnt want to believe it she dotes on him and has been heartbroken by his lack of contact , my ddad would believe me and want to kill him he is very protective , but I worry he would blame my mum for putting me in that position by inviting him to stay.

OP posts:

Notfastmainlyfurious · 28/12/2013 10:25

No way would I be going and I would tell sister why. It's unlikely you are his only victim or that his tastes have changed. Would most definitely not allow a young girl to be anywhere near him.

Original poster

differentuser · 28/12/2013 10:36

Notfastmainlyfurious I worry that my sister would think its some ploy to ruin her dds day she thinks im jealous , she isnt a rational thinker and is very head in the clouds type. I wouldnt be able to have either dd anywhere near him so would spend whole event avoiding him and no doubt look like a weirdo for hiding dds away. Dd is the double of me at that age and that scares me even more the idea of anyone veer hurting her kills me , she has never spend a night or even a day away from me and I wouldnt trust her with anyone except dh which alot of my family have taking as a slur on them. I feel terrible as she hasnt had usual childhood fun of staying with grandparents auntys or shool friends but i honetly dont ever see my being able to let her. Even dd2s birth has been planned to minimise the time dd will be at her grandparents. i trust my parents 100% of course but cant ever put her in a postion to be hurt.

OP posts:

WhoNickedMyName · 28/12/2013 10:43

This is probably totally the wrong advice...

but I'd be tempted to contact the uncle (or get DH to do it), tell him you remember everything and tell him that he won't be attending the christening or any family event in future that you're at, so he'd better come up with a fucking good excuse not to be there.

Original poster

differentuser · 28/12/2013 10:46

WhoNickedMyName That was Dhs first thought too he said he would contact him and tell him not too attend, Uncle has missed many family events over the last few years and Im sure the reason is he fears I will tell , So that would work. Would be crappy seeing my mum so dissapointed but the truth would hurt her more.

OP posts:

SoWhatDoWeDoNow · 28/12/2013 10:49

I agree with Who.

Take the reins. Take charge of it. let him be the one to feel bad, and to worry about where he can and can't go without feeling weird and uncomfortable. It will be very liberating.

how old was he when you were 4?

NigellasDealer · 28/12/2013 10:50

whonickedmyname has the best advice.
scare the fucker a bit.

Wishfulmakeupping · 28/12/2013 10:51

If you 100% can't tell them why then maybe you could say both you and dd ill with noro and you can't come as you'll spread it roubd

Wishfulmakeupping · 28/12/2013 10:52

Actually just read whonicked's advice think you should try that

GwendolineMaryLacey · 28/12/2013 10:54

Absolutely wouldn't go. I would either do as suggested and have your dh contact him or tell sis that you cannot go and when she asks why tell her to ask the uncle. Why should you be carrying the baggage for this. It's his fault, let him carry the can.

Original poster

differentuser · 28/12/2013 10:57

SoWhatDoWeDoNow he would have been mid 30s it was over 20 years ago now so he is mid to late 50s. Its not fair he can act as normal dsis said he was very happy to be invited and said he wouldnt miss it , maybe he thinks after so long I either dont remember or wont tell. mum and dad are going to visit him tommorow she is super excited, I am so tempted to tell someone as before there has never been a need and didnt want to be seen to be causing trouble and stress for no reason he is only relative she has left , other dsis lives very near him and see's him out and about I have came so close to waring her many times she has 3 boys and has always bumped into him in supermarket etc but im terrified something could happen to any them , I wouldnt be able to forgive myself.

OP posts:

namechangedjustforthis · 28/12/2013 11:00

Wouldn't you be scared if you don't tell he could do it to your sisters child, or other family children? I really doubt you were the only child he abused. I was also abused/raped by a family member, and it was him having his own daughters that made me speak out and others came forward, I couldn't live with the guilt of knowing I could prevent something happening as it turns out he's still with his daughters some family chose to believe him, even though 3 or 4 girls in the family told. I'm not saying you have to tell but please do think about it, and even if you are not believed maybe other children will still have a closer eye on them xx

NigellasDealer · 28/12/2013 11:03

different user, get your husband to phone him and tell him you remember everything and he better not be there.

SoWhatDoWeDoNow · 28/12/2013 11:06

OK, was just checking he wasn't an older child or a very immature teenager who in theory should have known better but was experimenting and didn't understand the harm he was causing.

A man in his 30's and a 4 year old - no grey areas there. Take charge and do what who said.

Original poster

differentuser · 28/12/2013 11:16

namechangedjustforthis I do worry about this so far there hasnt been any occasion where they could be at risk but if he attends this event that is likely to change dm was all for inviting him for christmas dinner this year luckily he had plans.
I know I should even if just to make other people more wary. Sory to hear of your experience , I count myself vey lucky mines wasnt worse x
NigellasDealer I think thats my best option, hopefully he takes note and cuts contact again.
SoWhatDoWeDoNow No he was fully aware of what he done , I was his special girl and not to tell anyone, sadly I believed that for years until I realised what he done was very wrong, Its only memory I have until I was much older but its so clear there is no doubt what happened I do worry that there was other occasions though as he lived with us from I was around 1 till 5. He has a ds who is a few months younger than me.

OP posts:

CadleCrap · 28/12/2013 11:17

I absolutely would go- you are the victim so why are you being made to modify your behaviour.

But I would also make damn sure I confronted him and tell him I do remember what he did.

Lettucesnow · 28/12/2013 11:22

Good old who seems to have the right idea. He can fake food poisoning or something.

Tell sister when you feel ready and strong enough after the christening. She might hear it better then. Please tell to protect others.

DontmindifIdo · 28/12/2013 11:25

Get your DH to contact him, make it clear you won't allow him access to family children, so if he won't stay away, as much as you don't want to, you'll go to the police. Get your DH to say that if it was up to him, your whole family would know and the police would be called but you are protecting your Mum from the upset. Make it clear he stays away or he faces a police investigation and your DH is only staying quiet to keep you happy. Let's let him feel a bit of fear.

(I also would consider going to the police anyway, but let's deal with this issue first).

GwendolineMaryLacey · 28/12/2013 11:30

Confronting him at all, never mind a family do takes a certain amount of courage that I know I wouldn't have, and maybe the OP doesn't either. It's easy to say why should she be the one to stay away, and I agree, but it's self preservation and for me that would come first.

ShinyBauble · 28/12/2013 11:36

Can you afford to go away? You could say that your DH booked a break as a surprise and you can't turn it down, then just go and stay in a nice hotel somewhere for the day of the christening.

Original poster

differentuser · 28/12/2013 11:46

CadleCrap Thanks I dont want to miss it and its not right that he should get to go and act normal.

Lettucesnow Yeah why should I make excuses he can do that :), I think telling other dsis would be easy enough we are fairly close and I know she would support me 100%.

DontmindifIdo Dh is all for contacting him he has wanted to do so for years , I have considered going to the police in the past but I am scared they wont believe me especially since it was so long ago, uncle waa in a relationship a few years later with a lady with 2 young daughters and I have always suspecte they could also have been victims.

GwendolineMaryLacey I dont think I could actualy do it , dh could do it for me or at a stretch I could right a letter but uttering the words and facing him would be too much.

ShinyBauble Sadly no and as she has already booked church and hall etc she would be very pissed if I did, If it comes to it I will find a reason not to go dd will still only be tiny and it will be another c-section so always have that to fall back on.

OP posts:

Fibreopticangel · 28/12/2013 11:46

Your situation is similar to that of this case which came to court recently:

[http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2515833/Actress-The-Office-tells-child-sex-ordeal-beast-molested-jailed-decades-later.html]

Her abuser brazenly turned up at family events over the years. She eventually sought help and later went to the police and he is now in prison.

It's a hard decision to go to the police, but something you may want to consider - they will be sympathetic.

Please protect yourself and your family physically and emotionally first though - the victim in this case started with counselling from the charity mentioned in the article, and this is something I would urge you to do.

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