Have you ever slapped your DH?

[MrsW0931]

and if you did, what was the reason and exaclty how did your boyfriend/husband react?

I do see OP's point that a big man hitting a small woman is potentially more dangerous/risky than the reverse - it's part of the argument against hitting children as well. But I also think it's irrelevant here.

I sometimes play-punch DH in the arm or chest in a "you are so infuriating" kind of way but since he is built like the proverbial shithouse a lot taller and broader than me, and I'm not actually putting any force into it, we both know it's a joke. He might play-retaliate by catching my wrists as per pp but as I say it's a game and we both know it is and each of us would be mortified if the other were actually hurt.

What concerns me about the situation in the OP isn't the physical actions exactly, but the reactions and thought processes - "disrespect", "you made me do it" and so on, on both sides. I would argue that those are the red flags and the disturbing/damaging things, rather than being physical with each other.

So, bearing in mind that we are a more physical couple than many on this thread, I still wouldn't expect to slap DH in an argument, and if I did I wouldn't expect to be shoved hard enough to fall down. And if either of those things did happen, we would be apologising and seeking help, not blaming each other.

Hope you can work things out, OP.

Deck, I have a similar relationship with my son and my brother. But it's playing, messing around and general foolery.
DS enjoys the fact that he's bigger and stronger than me, but we've never hit each other in anger, or in lieu of walking away from an argument.

Every single step in your description of the events, describes wholly unacceptable behaviour from both of you.
Every action and reaction from both of you was uncontrolled, disrespectful, rude and childish.
To try and suggest that he should put up with you hitting him because he is bigger than you, completely misses the point. Hitting someone is an act of abuse. So is throwing someone's stuff out of the window and pushing them over. Your children are witnessing you two abuse each other.
You both need to get control over your own behaviour and responses before you do any serious harm to each other or your children.

No, I have never hit my husband or any previous partner.

'I didn't start on him he obviously did something to cause me to hit him'

You were the one who chose to escalate a nasty, negative situation into violence.

You can't excuse and justify by saying 'obviously he caused me to hit him'. That's abusive. He did not cause you to hit him. You chose to hit him.

I think for your children's sake BOTH of you need to step back and look at what is and isn't acceptable. Do you want your children to think that this ia s normal relationship.

Yes we did split, OP. And when I left, and we talked afterwards, one of the 1st things he said was 'I was out of order about the dentist's episode, wasn't I?'. His respect for me had gone and my love for him had died.

It still upsets me to think that we got to that stage.

I once pushed DH to the chest mid argument and he punched a door in retaliation. We were very young and drunk and being drama queens at the time. I think our behaviour shocked us both as we were both from quite violent homes to start with and many years and two children later I can't remember a time where either of us has so much as raised our voice at the other (although of course we argue sometimes).

Where do you want to go from here op? You know it's not acceptable behaviour from either of you and it needs discussing at least.

I once hit out at dp when I was pregnant and his automatic reaction was to kick me away in the stomach. It was just a reflex, and I was more in the wrong for not being able to control my hormones and starting the violence. I bet he felt miles worse though. :(

There was a couple of other incidents around that time when I sort of lunged during arguments and he over powered me in seconds. Think I learned he would always be stronger (& violence won't solve anything) as we haven't fought like that for 4 years.

I once hit out at dp when I was pregnant and his automatic reaction was to kick me away in the stomach. It was just a reflex

Just a reflex?? Are you serious? I am not condoning what you did for one second because it is disgusting but his reflex is to kick his pregnant partner in the stomach and you say that like it's not a huge deal??

I once hit out at dp when I was pregnant and his automatic reaction was to kick me away in the stomach. It was just a reflex, and I was more in the wrong for not being able to control my hormones and starting the violence. I bet he felt miles worse though.

There is so much wrong with that statement that I struggle to even know where to start.

It was over 4 years ago and hasnt happened since. It was a hugely stressful time, and i know it was wrong, but it's not the worst thing that's ever happened in the world. I was sharing to reassure the OP that these things happen sometimes at its not necessarily the start of a pattern, but you go right ahead and judge me. I'm sure you've never done anything bad in your life.

mewmeow how you managed to not LTB is beyond me.

Not judging you by the way, more scared for you. Being kicked in the stomach when pregnant would be a good enough reason to pack my bags. I don't care how great the man is or how wonderful he might be. That would scare the daylights out of me. I have never hit anybody because fighting never ends well, but heck yes i have sure done some stupid things.

Oh gawd, I've realised that makes him sound like a right arse. But it honestly was a reflex, I think it surprised him more than me (and I did start it!). He felt terrible, and I curled up and cried for hours worrying about the baby. Luckily she's fine, it was probably nowhere near hard enough to do anything, just a shock.

"My question was simply do you think a man is within his rights to push a woman after she slaps him for being disrespectful or should he have walked away?"

See you're asking the wrong question. The question should be:

"Is a person within their rights to slap or push another person?"

And the answer is no, unless they are acting in self defence, ie preventing a physical assault. I do think you need to see that and I'm not sure you do. You need to see that you were both behaving really badly, not just him.

Please dont let your children see this happen ever again. My Dad had a terrible temper and I can recall every incident - him throwing his dinner at the wall, pulling the phone cable out of the wall and so on, even though I was very small. It is terrifying seeing a parent lose control.

I grew up with parents treating each other like this, regularly. My father once threw 20 plates against a wall in front of me. It's done irreparable harm to my brothers and I.

I beg you to refrain from these arguments in front of your kids. You will destroy them.

I am ashamed to say I did once slap my DH - not in front of the kids - DH just laughed. I was under immense stress at the time - DS was in hospital. If had pushed me, I would have had no issue with that as I started it.

I made the decision then never ever to lose it again. I think you should do the same.

Oh ok. Sorry I flew off the handle there, I did get a bit defensive, I understand why people are reacting this way. If it was anyone else I'd probably say the same, but we made it threw it and honestly rarely even bicker any more. I think we've been lucky. For some people violence spirals. Just to reiterate for his sake though it was what I would class as self defence, just very unfortunate where it landed!

I think when a relationship has reached the stage where things are being thrown out of the window and there is slapping and shoving then it has run its course. Your relationship sounds toxic and it would be best for your children if you separated. TBH the pair of you also need to go on anger management courses as you both had toddler tantrums today and you should have grown out that decades ago.

Early in our relationship DP decided to hide behind a door, jump out and scare me - it worked, I was genuinely terrified and I smacked him, but I was protecting myself, it was instinct, it's not necessarily rational.

This is two grown ups choosing to behave this way in front of children. You're both out of order, and there's no excuse, no matter how much you ask randoms on the net.

I have hit OH; twice. Each time he was keeping me against my will in the bedroom so I didn't run out of the house in wild panic/mental confusion. I felt trapped and I lashed out - I was wrong, but he was wrong to trap me (it is a trigger of mine).

I have always said to OH that no matter what, if I hit him he has every reason to hit me. I do not condone any violence, no matter that my rare angry displays are provoked by mental state. My OH knows I don't mean to do it, but that my illness is not an excuse.

Just because you are a woman does not exempt you and although I hate physical abuse, your husband pushed you away from him because you slapped him. If a man came on here with the same story, he would be flamed until next century. There really shouldn't be any allowances made.

I've slapped 2 of my ex's.

1st one was because he said he wished me and DS (his son!) got hot hit by a bus! My friend put me over his shoulder and ran off with me before I totally battered my ex. He's lucky he just got a slap. He rang the police and I got a caution for assault.

2nd one was because he said it was my fault my mum died when I was 10. He said I'd caused her that much stress I caused her to have a stroke (we only met when I was 20). Again, he rang the police. But after I'd explained why I slapped him they just put it down as a domestic and left it at that.

Both of these ex's were abusive and violent, both occasions were the first and last time I'd hit back and they didn't like it. Wankers!

you are in the wrong for hitting him whatever reasons you give to justify it.

if you were a man posting you'd have your arse on a plate by now.

This thread is a perfect example of the double standards you get on here with men/women.

Hmm yes, I have slapped my dh and he slapped me straight back. Big shock to me.... I was absolutely devastated and also of the belief a man should never ever raise his hand to a woman. Took me a long time to work through my feelings about it because we were newly married and I couldn't help wondering what I'd gotten myself into.

But, we were both so upset that it had happened that 10 years down the line neither of us will ever do it again, and if I have so be brutally honest, I think I may have found another occasion to slap him if he didn't react.

I flicked my exbf in the arm once while we were joking around, he flicked me in the head, HARD, in retaliation with this cold mean look on his face. It was at that time I realised he had the potential to be a real physical danger to me (he was already emotionally abusive). I resolved to never "hit" him again, even as a joke, because I didn't want to risk pushing that button.

I would NEVER slap my DH because it's extremely bad and would signal a change in our relationship that we couldn't get past. Doesn't matter that it might not hurt him, it's a huge sign of disrespect. Not only would he would have done something bad enough for me to slap him (or I would be irrational enough to consider it bad enough), but I would have actually been physically aggressive towards him. That's a sign there's something seriously wrong with your relationship.

In your case: He was angry. He was destructive. He was disrespectful of your stuff. You slapped him. He pushed you. Neither of you was hurt but your stuff was damaged.

You know you shouldn't have slapped him and you've said it several times. He shouldn't have pushed you either but you're wrong in thinking it's worse because of his size. Your size compared to his is irrelevant. Had he slapped you it would most likely be a different response to this thread though.

Ignoring the physical violence, you know there's something wrong in your relationship. His behaviour prior to the violent altercation is what I would be worried about and what I think you should seek counseling for. It was that behaviour that made you think slapping him was your "only option". And you need to investigate why you think slapping WAS your only option.

Whether you are male or female has absolutely nothing to do with it. You don't resort to physical violence at all.

Stop trying to say you are in some way excused because you're shorter and lighter than him.

Your attitude is awful.

Turn the tables - if a female friend said to you that her DP had slapped her infront of her children and had told her it was her fault because she'd annoyed him you'd be pointing her in the direction of the police.

You've somehow tried to justify yourself, turned the tables and become the victim.

One side of the story - maybe he was pisssed off that your stuff was crammed in the wardrobe, maybe he's asked you before to sort it out.....

You had no right to hit him. He had every right to react by pushing you away. Would you really want your children to see that they can hit someone with no consequence?