DD in new relationship with 69 year old

[lavenderblue1]

Devastated....lovely 23yr old daughter just announced that she is in a relationship with her 69 year old boss, sole owner, proprietor of the business. She's had the job for 5 weeks. Before this, he's promised to make her a partner in the firm, bought her an iPad (for work!?), given her a dress allowance for work, teaching her to dance tango, bought a 'shop puppy' and registered it in her name, now says he wants to marry her and have children. OMG want to cry, absolutely furious with him for manipulating her, and her for being so gullible. How do I manage this, maintain my relationship with her and give her a safe haven when it ends (of course, if!)

Just because he has said he wants to marry her doesn't mean it will happen or she will say yes.

I would be making very sure she wasn't taking advantage of his feelings as I am sure you wouldn't want her getting a name for herself that isn't pleasant.

Maybe she likes him and is happy to see how things go.

Plenty of unpleasant names available for his behaviour too Strawberry

Keep on believing in your "lovely dd" lavendar and help her navigate life's sometimes tricky and stormy waters.

I think know this relationship will run it's course...just make sure you & your DD's relationship stays intact, so you can be there for you when it doesn't work out. (do you think your dissapproval may be a bit of a turn on too? the thrill of the forbidden? gross)

Ask on the dog topic on here but I would be about needing to bring out aggression in a family pet!

It's not just about his age, there are lots of worrying things about this, so some relationship pointers not related to his age might make her think:

-a general conversation about red flags, moving too fast, asserting control;

-the need for her to keep up her own life with her friends and family alongside the relationship;

-it's important to recognise that the material things he provides are not a reason to have or stay in an otherwise unsatisfactory relationship, she shouldn't rely on them or feel beholden to him for them;

-in any relationship she deerves to have her needs met too including have autonomy and a chance to grow as a person, decide who she is and what she wants, have good sex, make key decisions;

-she's got to think of herself and take responsibility re career progression, having savings to fall back on, training, learning to drive etc irrespective of the relationship she's in.

A friend of mine spent all her 20s and part of her 30s being completely boyfriend-dependent (always moved in with whoever it was, had no savings despite a good career, no pension, no flat). When her worried father asked her what she'd do if the latest one left her, she said 'Move in with Eldritch!' She thought this was hilarious, I didn't. She married that boyfriend, if he ever leaves her I don't know if she'd survive. It's an awfully risky pattern to get into.

I would focus initially on ensuring that your DD makes no rushed choices, significant comlmitments so early on in the relationship - not due to his age but because that is just not enough time to really know someone. I would also be careful around alienating your DD - at that age, I was very loath to admit when I was wrong and thus did not change course as quickly as I should of. Be clear that you disapprove without labouring the point

Eldritch That's a great post.

:)

absolutely agree

Is he attractive, my dad is 70, fit, successful, powerful, rich and I could totally see how the right sort of 30/40 year old would go for him?m Maybe even a younger woman.

Think the message you should be giving is don't have children, I am too young to be a granny. Then it can fizzle out without any repercussions.

Take her on a treat family holiday where there is lots of eye candy and she can see what she is missing out on!

Sugar lump? Fruit pastille instead please!

I think the best way forward is to buy some of the books on the EA thread and give them to her, that way she can make her own mind up and she won't be able to blame you. Did you read some of the stuff on there - does it ring true?

Every young woman should learn to recognise a potential abuser.

you could show her this link.... www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2343901/Fashion-Designer-Roberto-Cavalli-given-VERY-personal-hose-younger-girlfriend.html

MY EYES smearedinfood

Is there NOTHING some people won't do for money?!?

Fucking hell.

Thanks all,
In case anyones interested in this sordid awful thing that's happened to me and my family DD now engaged WTF I think it's what eldrich or wondering said - he knows we'll disapprove - we're an honest hardworking close family, and it'll drive a wedge. But we're going to be sensible, say it's not wise (the hell it is) and we're always there if when when it comes to grief. According to her BF the abuse has started. Crap. Suggestions for parent support groups anyone, other than fab mumsnet

Sorry to hear that. Hold in there express your disapproval once, by all means try and pursue a relationship with her alone, but keep that relationship going. She will need you [hugs]

If his game plan is to drive a wedge and cut your DD off from her family, make sure that you don't show your disapproval and let that happen. Your poor DD and you too.

paperlantern and chicaguapa, thanks. It means a lot. It really isn't the age thing anymore - it's all the other red flags just looking for advice on how to handle future situations e.g when she turns up married. OMG. (BF meant to be best friend btw)

Incidentally not all abusers separate you from your family. My EA ex recruited my mum to his side frequently, when I left there were still telling me perhaps I could work it out. Eventually they figured it out for themselves. I still resent my Mum for some of the things she inadvertently sided with my ex on (e.g. DS' name)

I disagree with not expressing disapproval. I was very dependent on my family for there thoughts, unfortunately no-one spotted my ex. Please do express concerns. it tell her that she will be belived when she gets the courage to leave. Don't let it be the predominate factor in your relationship. hence me saying once and carry on

But doesn't the DD need to feel she can confide in OP without feeling like she is going to be told 'I told you so'? I would have thought expressing valid concerns about the pace and lack of independence would be ok. But the DD would need to feel like OP is on the same side and not an enemy, to be able to maintain their close relationship and for the OP to keep a close eye on how things are progressing and be able to offer support when required. But agree it needs to be clear that the OP is specifically on the DD's side, not the man's.

thanks will do that both of you

smeared - that is so gross. I will!

You could buy her a book - "The Emotionally Abusive Relationship" by Beverley Engel.

or print out this and give it to her

ebookbrowse.com/emotionally-abusive-relationships-pdf-d202955283

You could tell her that someone else suggested that you give it to her, keep it neutral.

I agree that disapproving of him is not going to help, but you should insist on meeting him - both with her and alone. I think if he sees you and your family as a tower of strength he will know what he's messing with. Ask him lots of nosy but innocent questions to find out who he really is - remember there is a slim chance that is a good relationship - go into it assuming that he is normal.

If he is abusive you have to understand now that these people are hugely intelligent and extremely manipulative. They have lied all their lives just to get what they want - and what they want is to be the controller, the master. I think if it were me I would be prepared to risk a bustup with my daugher order to get her to understand what she is involved with. If he is abusive he will already know that you will want to disapprove, he will already know that he needs to move quickly before you get involved. If he is abusive he is stringing you along right now and that's part of the plan. To him, you are an obstacle to his dominance, he knows this exactly and it is the reason he is acting so quickly. He is manipulating everything around her in order to achieve control.

You have to get your daughter to see this without driving her away - somehow.

Oh hell, lavender, that is bad news. It's hard to know what to suggest except that the key message to your daughter is that you are always, unequivocally and forever on her side.