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Original poster

DD in new relationship with 69 year old

141 replies

lavenderblue1 · 18/06/2013 13:19

Devastated....lovely 23yr old daughter just announced that she is in a relationship with her 69 year old boss, sole owner, proprietor of the business. She's had the job for 5 weeks. Before this, he's promised to make her a partner in the firm, bought her an iPad (for work!?), given her a dress allowance for work, teaching her to dance tango, bought a 'shop puppy' and registered it in her name, now says he wants to marry her and have children. OMG want to cry, absolutely furious with him for manipulating her, and her for being so gullible. How do I manage this, maintain my relationship with her and give her a safe haven when it ends (of course, if!)

OP posts:
AnotherLovelyCupOfCoffee · 19/06/2013 10:02

She must have a really low self-esteem. I presume her own father is probably younger than 69 Confused I don't know what to suggest but I wish you the best sorting it out. What a disgusting old lech he must be.

Tell her that it's ALWAYS BETTER TO HAVE HER OWN MONEY. to be with somebody with money is to be their puppet.

DowntonTrout · 19/06/2013 10:06

I still think it will be the reaction of her friends that might make her see sense.

Do you know any of them well enough to sound out about what they think? I still would be wary of interfering though and giving her the impression that it is them against the world. That can make for a very heady recipe for love.

AnotherLovelyCupOfCoffee · 19/06/2013 10:11

Yes. What on EARTH must her friends think. I remember at 23 I went out with a man 5 years older than I was, he'd lived in Denmark and Spain and he really acted like he was my mentor. That seemed like a HUGE age gap at times and he was only five years older. I dumped him at 26 because he didn't seem to grasp that he was not my spiritual leader/mentor/advisor/boss. He was quite easy going in some ways but he just had that ingrained belief that he knew better.

AnotherLovelyCupOfCoffee · 19/06/2013 10:12

do all her friends know? maybe she is giving them a different story.

Dackyduddles · 19/06/2013 10:14

Is her dad alive? Just say something bland like "oh good dad will enjoy having someone his own age to talk to" or " great, dad was looking for advice from someone older on x"

I wouldn't rock the boat to much as yet. Her friends should do most of the hard work for you. Having dated a much older guy myself its no fun in the end once you start realising what people are saying.

I give it to January....

Owllady · 19/06/2013 10:22

I am pretty liberal but I would be worried as well and I doubt very much i could keep quiet

My husband is a decade older than me but I really don't think that is the same at all!

Buying gifts and falling in love' with your secretary is seriously unethical as well. I wonder how manyt imes this has happened before> (I realise this is seriously judgemental)

SanityClause · 19/06/2013 10:27

I do get that this is upsetting for you. I would be worried if it were my daughter.

But, don't do any of the things people have suggested to try to put her off him. She can do the maths. She knows what the disadvantages to the relationship are, as well as the advantages.

You need to welcome him into your family, as you would a younger man. It is so important to accept that you need to have an adult relationship with her, now.

And yes, definitely invite him to a family party. Even if he declines, the gesture is important.

dufflefluffle · 19/06/2013 10:27

Of course it's not ideal but it may just run its course with your DD intact. I remember a wise and calm friend being distressed over her younger sisters inappropriate boyfriend - she hid her feelings because she wanted her sister to always feel that she had a refuge/sympathetic ear in her. I thought it was extremely generous and caring. Her sisters relationship eventually ran its course and she survived - at least partially because she had such a supportive sister.

AnotherLovelyCupOfCoffee · 19/06/2013 10:28

older men are more likely to father sons with autism. (my own son has autism before anybody 'attacks' me for this comment. I have read several articles that make this link.

AnotherLovelyCupOfCoffee · 19/06/2013 10:29

My point being, he might think he's Pablo Picasso or Charlie chaplin but back on planet earth mortals do age.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 19/06/2013 10:34

Haven't read whole thread but see many posters saying to leave her to it .... well, just know there's no way I'd do that. I'd definitely want to talk it over with my DD (She's 14 now and I'm hoping we can stay close and keep talking !) Wish my parents/ Mum had kept talking with me about the stuff that was going on for me, but after I left for college they pretty much left me to it !
I'd be discouraging the relationship as I don't think it's a positive one for her. And probably helping her look for a new job too.
I don't see why as a Mum you can't aim to be there for your daughter and help her with her life choices and challenges.

wonderingagain · 19/06/2013 10:46

I think it's also a case of intervening now because if you don't, and she gets sucked into a dysfunctional relationship for years and years, you will never forgive yourself for not at least trying.

Another thing I was wondering, is she doing this to make a kind if statement to you about her independence? If so, you could also read it as her testing whether you will step in. Girls can be complicated, especially when there are dependence issues through illness.

She may also be scared of independence, hence the sugar daddy/ grandad. Perhaps she needs help to gain confidence in her own capabilities? Life is challenging for young people at the moment, high prices, low wages, pressure at work, medical issues on top of that will make her feel even more vulnerable.

AmberLeaf · 19/06/2013 10:56

All these 'put her off' suggestions are just ridiculous.

She is an adult but still young enough to dig her heels in if she sees your blatant objections to her choice.

OP you say she has been in this job for 5 weeks, how long has she known him?

AmberLeaf · 19/06/2013 10:57

I can imagine my response if my Mum had tried to 'intervene' in my life in this way when I was 23 yrs old!

23 is not 17.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 19/06/2013 11:12

I think it's quite sad if people feel that mother's can't talk to their 23 year old daughters about life. At least you can try !

lotsofcheese · 19/06/2013 11:40

I think that the more the relationship is held up to public scrutiny, the less it will survive. So I'd be encouraging her to introduce him to her friends & invite him to the family event.

I think the "novelty" will wear off rather quickly!

mrsshackleton · 19/06/2013 11:43

I think Madamecastafiore is spot on

Of course you're concerned, I'd be horrified. But it's very early days and it will probably run its course. I would say nothing for now, step in (lightly) if/when things get really serious.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 19/06/2013 11:46

I think it's easier to break things off sooner rather than later.
And I think she's really going to need to find a new job too.

Original poster
lavenderblue1 · 19/06/2013 11:53

Once again your support is totally overwhelming. Thank you everyone, it's been so helpful. This is the plan.
We do have a great and open relationship.
DH and I are going to talk about it calmly and openly with her, and with him, if necessary, as she is an adult, after all. She needs to know what we think, and the situation as we see it. Knowing him, he is definitely a lothario (great word lunatic), and I strongly suspect habitual. I know she won't see it, but we will explain that (we think!) he has bought her affections, even though he seems to be 'in love' with her atm. (and I'm sure he is, but I suspect it's short lived). We will (and will tell her ) continue to support her and be there for her and demonstrate that we love her just as much as our other girls. In her heart of hearts I think she knows it's not right - she hasn't told her sister, which is unusual. The 18th is in a months time, which is too soon to make a family statement, I think. There needs to be a degree of commitment before we take that step. If there is, then fine, we'll deal with it. If not, then that's so much better.
Amber, she's only known him for 5 weeks!
Wonderingagain - you're right about the being scared of independence, I think, and we do need to have the emotional abuse/dysfunctional relationship conversation, too.

OP posts:
SummersHere · 19/06/2013 12:03

So she started a new job 5 weeks ago and now her new boss wants to make her partner, marry her and have children with her! Red flags all over the place regardless of this man's age.
Maybe you should just have a general chat with your dd about the importance of getting to know someone properly before embarking on a relationship with them and a bit of advice as to what a healthy relationship looks like wouldn't go amiss.
I disagree with the 'let her get on with it' advice. I ended up in an ea relationship at a young age due to my parents letting me get on with it for fear of pushing me away. I wish someone had said something to me and saved me wasting 9 years of my life.

wonderingagain · 19/06/2013 12:12

That's great that you have decided to intervene, although more subtly than madamcastafiore suggested!

Perhaps you could get her to read the links at the front of the emotional abuse threads, he is following the absolutely most predictable pattern of an abuser - showering with gifts, falling head over heels, asserting dependence (at work). The next step may well be one may well be 'cutting off from close family' so brace yourself. Warn her about this, and they always act fast (at the beginning), so fast that the victim can't keep up.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1778451-Support-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-relationships-23

And if as you say it may be an independence issue for her, there are thousands of posts here from women have succeeded very well on their own and threads where she might find some inspiration and support to go out and live an independent life successfully.

AmberLeaf · 19/06/2013 12:24

The next step may well be one may well be 'cutting off from close family' so brace yourself

That is a very good reason not to help him do that [if that is his intention]

Just be there and be very careful about expressing disapproval.

Original poster
lavenderblue1 · 19/06/2013 12:36

Thankyou wonderingagain - I know nothing about emotionally abusive relationships, and that hadn't occurred to me but I think you may be right. Forewarned is forearmed.

OP posts:
Original poster
lavenderblue1 · 19/06/2013 12:42

And ...more alarm bells, the adorable 9 week old cocker spaniel puppy - he kind of plays too rough with her - not to hurt her, but encourages her to play rough and play bite (she's very bitey anyway, I guess because of her age). He said they need the aggressive side of their nature bringing out as well as the adorable - whats that all about? again, I know nothing about dogs - we have 2 gorgeous cats and lots of hens!

OP posts:
JugglingFromHereToThere · 19/06/2013 12:43

Be very careful about not expressing disapproval too !

Good luck !

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