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Friend wants money from me today for lodging costs.

143 replies

Charlene1 · 03/11/2012 17:39

I had a fight with my partner 4 weeks ago and rung my friend saying we'd split up for good. She told me I could stay with them, wouldn't take no for an answer, and she picked me up from my house. I have known her 3 years, but her husband is my ex from years ago, so I have known him a long time and we have stayed friends (nothing more!!!!) - he said he would not see me go without or suffer and i could stay there as long as it took to get sorted. She said the same. Money was roughly mentioned saying i could "throw money in to contribute" as if i stayed permanently they would expect a 3rd of the rent and bills - about £65pw at a guess?? She told me to tell my ex partner i was staying there paying £25pw to stop him taking all the money from the joint account. I have chipped in to buy some food, cat food, fags, beer and a £10 bill they needed paying. I have used the shower and put some clothes in to wash when they did, used their wireless broadband, socket to charge my phone up every couple of days and used the kettle to make cups of tea. I have been going back to my house nearly every day to wash other clothes, cook food and use the shower.

Everything has been fine until she suddenly started being funny with me about 2 weeks ago and he was barely talking to me - I asked him if I'd done something wrong and he said no. I only thought I would be there for a couple of weeks but am having loads of trouble finding a new place to live - my alternative was to go home to a bad situation, which is not what I wanted, or go to a refuge miles away and I wouldn't be able to see my kids or go to work as I have no transport. He wrote me a note and left it for me on Thursday morning saying they wanted me out by Friday (last night) and they want £200 for services used/lodging money - they did not put a date they wanted it by. I asked why he couldn't talk to me about it and he said it was easier to write a note. I left Thursday morning after saying I would probably ring him today to sort out dropping money off (I didn't say how much though) and have now had a text from him today asking what time to expect the money as it is "due today". I don't have £200 spare as it would mean taking money from what I need to get a new house (advance rent) and I have no other savings, only enough in the bank left over for food etc till payday at the end of the month. He thinks I am abusing his trust now by not intending to pay - I have just text back saying no I'm not - I can pay in bits but not all at once. She has not text or spoken to me whatsoever - neither of them have asked if I am all right and if I have a roof over my head now / in the refuge etc. I would not have got through the last month if they hadn't taken me in and supported me through the split, but what do I do now????

OP posts:
Charlene1 · 04/11/2012 22:00

mike - yes i know, i am at home now, so kids are fine, and i'm not leaving again - I have told him he has to.

OP posts:
Charlene1 · 04/11/2012 22:01

missy - no, it's not a scam - why would i want a council house miles away from my job and kids school??? He wouldn't leave at the time, so I had to but that's not the issue

OP posts:
Charlene1 · 04/11/2012 22:09

Missy - why should i lose my kids, job and house by going to a refuge and waiting to get rehoused or being forced to rent somewhere? Not an option, I don't deserve that when I did nothing wrong in the first place, nobody does, so not doing it!!

OP posts:

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BlameItOnTheCuerveForTreason · 04/11/2012 22:15

Are the kids ok?

missymoomoomee · 04/11/2012 22:16

If he was violent then there are refuges that will take you in with kids or safe houses they can put you into.

It seems to me like you made this big gesture of leaving, went to see your options, found out you don't really have any that are convenient to you, and have now returned to the violent man you left your kids with for however many weeks it was. Why didn't you just call the police when he was violent?

It all seems pretty convenient timing that this has kicked off when your house is on the market....

allnewtaketwo · 04/11/2012 22:26

Was he actually physically violent or not? When you were scared and you panicked, what do you mean? What did you actually do. I'm still very unclear. If there was no actual violence, then your reaction of leaving your children for 4 weeks sounds very very extreme. And you seem to be denying that you left them, just because they weren't actually there at the time Confused

Charlene1 · 04/11/2012 22:37

Blame - yes kids are fine and happy.
Missy - I only put house up for sale last week, there were no spaces in the refuge near me, nearest was about 30 miles away - yes, I thought it would be easy to just leave and start again, but that is not the case obviously!! Wasn't a big gesture, it was panic at the time and the only thing I could do. I didn't have the money for a court order, and still don't - I asked police and solicitor about it, I know how much it costs!!
I have to stay here until house is sold and as the viewer this morning wants it, so it shouldn't be too long hopefully. Convenience would have been to get proper help when I needed it - instead it was made worse. I have not gone back to him - just the kids and house - I am not his partner anymore!!

OP posts:
Charlene1 · 04/11/2012 22:55

allnew - yes, it was and I thought it would go a lot worse so had to get out. I tried to leave the house to get away from him, and he tried to physically stop me leaving, I got away from him and called police - he then stormed out of house and my friend had come and got me before he came back - police wouldn't do anything as I wasn't in immediate danger then - just told me to sort it out ourselves and ring 999 if I needed to. Not helpful!! Kids didn't know till next day that I'd had to leave as they weren't there luckily, and I told them I hadn't left them, just him and would sort it as soon as I could. I couldn't just give in, risk it and go back as it was too volatile at the time.

OP posts:
ProcrastinatingPanda · 04/11/2012 23:01

missy she has more of a chance of getting a council house if she went to a refuge...

missymoomoomee · 04/11/2012 23:11

I know, thats what I'm saying. I think that was the intention when she left. When the reality of not being able to get a space in one close by kicked in she has had to change her plans.

I have known women stay in shitty situations because they can't leave with their kids, I have known women who have violent partners and take their kids when they leave, I have never known a woman escape a violent situation and leave her kids there. Sorry if its genuinely the case but I really can't get my head around leaving your children with a violent man and not getting an injunction or something ANYTHING to get him away from the kids.

LittleBearPad · 04/11/2012 23:18

Ok so it was too volatile for you to go back but you let your children stay there for four weeks. This is what I (and many others) don't understand.

Charlene1 · 04/11/2012 23:38

yes it is genuinely the case - i did what i thought was best at the time and other people told me to do it as well, as i didn't want to traumatise the kids by dragging them to a strange place when they had no need to go, just because we had split up - and yes i do know at least 2 other people who have left their kids with their partners for the same reason!!

OP posts:
missymoomoomee · 04/11/2012 23:40

You know 2 other people who have left their children with their violent partners... Hmm

difficultpickle · 04/11/2012 23:40

How old are your children?

Charlene1 · 04/11/2012 23:51

yes, and they and the kids are happy now as they are not arguing/being miserable, just adult enough to change the situation for the kids sake

OP posts:
izzywizzyisbizzy · 05/11/2012 00:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Charlene1 · 05/11/2012 00:25

Izzy - thank you, that means a lot to me :)

OP posts:
IAmSheWhoMustBeObeyed · 05/11/2012 00:28

Op glad you are back home. Now suggest you get it all sorted out, pay 'friends' the amount they want and then cut them loose.

izzywizzyisbizzy · 05/11/2012 00:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

differentnameforthis · 05/11/2012 00:38

Sorry, but I fail to see how a man who is violet towards his wife/gf is second to none as a father. Surely that kind of father doesn't beat his children's mother.

BooyhooRemembering · 05/11/2012 01:03

hang on, so he actually left the house and then you left? why couldn't you have locked all the doors and windows/left keys in locks so he couldn't get his key in and called the police if he tried to? also, you say he physically tried to stop you leave. do you mean standing in your way blocking doors or did he actually become violent? (just to clarify i think blocking exits is scary aswell but isn't violence)

izzywizzyisbizzy · 05/11/2012 01:10

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izzywizzyisbizzy · 05/11/2012 01:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Charlene1 · 05/11/2012 01:29

Booyhoo - I was shaking and terrified at the time, so keys in doors weren't a priority - so are you saying he had to hit me to class it as violence? no, the physical actions of what he did to me, and putting me in fear of being attacked further is as equally as bad - it is irrelevant to this thread what he did and I'm not going into detail because I don't need to explain myself, suffice to say that yes, in law it was violent.

OP posts:
BooyhooRemembering · 05/11/2012 01:38

it's just that everytime you post the story seems to change. of course it was wrong of him to block your exit and no doubt you were terrified but why on earth were you saying there was violence? people would still have supported you leaving if you had said you thought he was going to get violent and that you were intimidated. you have gotten a bit of a kicking on this thread for supposedly leaving your children with a violent man. i cant be sure but i'd say people would not have been so harsh if they knew he wasn't actually violent. why didn't you just say what actually happened?