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Original poster

Friend wants money from me today for lodging costs.

143 replies

Charlene1 · 03/11/2012 17:39

I had a fight with my partner 4 weeks ago and rung my friend saying we'd split up for good. She told me I could stay with them, wouldn't take no for an answer, and she picked me up from my house. I have known her 3 years, but her husband is my ex from years ago, so I have known him a long time and we have stayed friends (nothing more!!!!) - he said he would not see me go without or suffer and i could stay there as long as it took to get sorted. She said the same. Money was roughly mentioned saying i could "throw money in to contribute" as if i stayed permanently they would expect a 3rd of the rent and bills - about £65pw at a guess?? She told me to tell my ex partner i was staying there paying £25pw to stop him taking all the money from the joint account. I have chipped in to buy some food, cat food, fags, beer and a £10 bill they needed paying. I have used the shower and put some clothes in to wash when they did, used their wireless broadband, socket to charge my phone up every couple of days and used the kettle to make cups of tea. I have been going back to my house nearly every day to wash other clothes, cook food and use the shower.

Everything has been fine until she suddenly started being funny with me about 2 weeks ago and he was barely talking to me - I asked him if I'd done something wrong and he said no. I only thought I would be there for a couple of weeks but am having loads of trouble finding a new place to live - my alternative was to go home to a bad situation, which is not what I wanted, or go to a refuge miles away and I wouldn't be able to see my kids or go to work as I have no transport. He wrote me a note and left it for me on Thursday morning saying they wanted me out by Friday (last night) and they want £200 for services used/lodging money - they did not put a date they wanted it by. I asked why he couldn't talk to me about it and he said it was easier to write a note. I left Thursday morning after saying I would probably ring him today to sort out dropping money off (I didn't say how much though) and have now had a text from him today asking what time to expect the money as it is "due today". I don't have £200 spare as it would mean taking money from what I need to get a new house (advance rent) and I have no other savings, only enough in the bank left over for food etc till payday at the end of the month. He thinks I am abusing his trust now by not intending to pay - I have just text back saying no I'm not - I can pay in bits but not all at once. She has not text or spoken to me whatsoever - neither of them have asked if I am all right and if I have a roof over my head now / in the refuge etc. I would not have got through the last month if they hadn't taken me in and supported me through the split, but what do I do now????

OP posts:
happyAvocado · 04/11/2012 00:56

I feel that the OP has a syndrom of a victim - trying to protect the abuser at all costs and finding errors in others to excuse helping him.
Not that uncommon but as @Sockreturningpixie mentioned - that may backfire agains her and her kids in the future....

nancy75 · 04/11/2012 00:59

Have you suggested to your ex that he moves out for the sake of the children?
Really no letting agent should take you. Even with a perfect credit history unless you earn enough to pay your mortgage and your rent with money to spare they should say no. I don't mean this in a you don't deserve a home way, but no reputable landlord would take on someone that has to default on their mortgage in order to pay rent. Have you thought about what will happen if the house takes months to sell?

Original poster
Charlene1 · 04/11/2012 01:11

i think bank would repossess if i missed more than 3 months and had moved out, but hoping it won't come to that! Ex is applying for any job going, but can't move out till earning enough to pay rent or take over mortgage, so i'm just concentrating on me and the kids getting sorted elsewhere.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
RyleDup · 04/11/2012 01:22

So the house is yours? I'm very confused?

Original poster
Charlene1 · 04/11/2012 01:26

no, owned jointly, so equal rights to be there unless a court says otherwise!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Charlene1 · 04/11/2012 01:27

need to sleep now, thanks everyone, hoping tomorrow is better not worse!!

OP posts:
Fairylea · 04/11/2012 07:18

How old are your children ?

The council will not give emergency housing to someone who is living with a friend. They say they will but usually they won't. If you were in the refuge you would be much higher priority even owning half the house.

Really what you should have done is ring the police at the time of the violence and ask them to remove your oh from the family home have steps to put a restraining order in place to prevent him returning. He would then have to apply to see the children through a solicitor and ata contact centre. It doesn't matter he is not violent towards them, you are in a violent relationship and this by default puts them in an emotionally abusive situation.

Also if he is not working he would actually be better to get benefits and try and get housing benefit towards a new flat rather than you !

I'm sorry but I think you are being offered help but not prepared to take it.

Your friends wanting money is the least of your worries !

MikeLitoris · 04/11/2012 07:53

You have a house, so why should the council house you?

You are being ridiculous.

He wasnt actually violent and you have worked through the bad stuff?

Why cant you move back in then? Your spending all your time there and sleeping else where? What difference would sleeping on the sofa or in with one of the dc make?

You seriously need to sort yourself out.

MikeLitoris · 04/11/2012 08:07

If your house is up for sale, where were you planning on living after the sale?

nkf · 04/11/2012 08:08

You need to get some proper advice. You need to be with your kids. You need to sort someting out with your friends. You should have stayed in the house with the kids. Can't you go back and do that?

nkf · 04/11/2012 08:10

The friends are not the important things right now.

differentnameforthis · 04/11/2012 08:20

i naively thought i would get emergency housing till i got sorted

Kinda sounds to me like you left hoping to get housed by the council, s you could all move in to that!

lisad123 · 04/11/2012 08:37

So from what I can work out was that you had a row, you were scarced and left.
You were hoping the council would house you so you wouldn't have to look for rented and you could just let ex have your house, and when it's sold you would have somewhere nice and cheaper to live.
My dear this is called playing the system! It doesn't work like that.
Go home, ask dh to move out, and stop messing about with your poor kids.
When house is sold you can sort out rest, but seriously you are wasting time, the council will not house you.

MikeLitoris · 04/11/2012 08:55

What different name said.

difficultpickle · 04/11/2012 09:08

I still don't understand why your partner couldn't have moved out and stayed with friends. I assume your Dp is the dcs main carer as he isn't working and you are so he will be seeking residency?

LeBoob · 04/11/2012 10:56

I haven't read the other replies so apologies if I x-post.

Do you really want to salvage a relationship with these "friends?" If you do, give them the money, but just rembember from there point of view that's exactly what it's come down to, money!

If it was me, I'd explain that I was thankful for their hospitality,& there "fair weather friendship" offer a nominal sum of say £50 and tell them that's the end of it!

Stay strong away from the relationships that damage YOUR life!

IneedAsockamnesty · 04/11/2012 11:07

did your ex surgest thats what you did,or actualy tell you he wouldnt leave?

you do not have to go to court if the other party would leave willingly.

and you may want to either move back in or tell hmrc as you are fraudently claiming tax credits if you get ctc as you are not the pwc.

LittleBearPad · 04/11/2012 11:08

If you were really that scared how could you leave your children? I don't understand.

If things are now sorted why can't you live at home? There should be no worry about violence and if there is WHY ARE YOUR CHILDREN THERE??

NatashaBee · 04/11/2012 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlameItOnTheCuerveForTreason · 04/11/2012 11:57

I agree with mike. You are behaving like a spoilt kid.

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR · 04/11/2012 17:26

OP have you done this before? Do you have a tendency to flee to mates after rows and then fanny about for a while before going back home till the next time?

Original poster
Charlene1 · 04/11/2012 21:35

right, i shall respond to each of you in turn as this is beyond ridiculous - i asked for advice over money, not to be slagged off.

Fairylea, yes, i've had bad advice, but it's getting sorted.
Mike - he was violent and verbally abusive, my emotional state and the situation at the time was such that i wasn't able to stay under the same roof as him. Giving in to constant pressure to go back and forget all about it immediately meant I could never have broke free for good - not being ridiculous. I was unable to live there so that's why the council classed me as homeless due to domestic abuse. Different name /lisad - I didn't want permanent council housing, just temporary help till I could sort things as they are supposed to help in these situations - not "playing the system" or messing the kids about - trying not to traumatise them at the time.
bisjo / sock - he had nowhere to go and no money, signing on claims and Housing benefit take weeks to sort, so he wouldn't go. Tax credits are not fraudulent, as they stop the money whilst reassessing a single claim, which can take up to 6 weeks.
Leboob - thank you - I have asked to meet up with friends and sort it - so we stay friends - but have had no reply :(
Littlebear - my kids weren't there at the time I left, so i couldn't just go and get them - they have been fine at home, they are not in danger.
BlameItOnTheCuerve - you have no idea of what has happened to me and what I have gone through in the last few weeks, so stop the nasty comments please - I am not a "spoilt kid".
SolidGold - no I have never left before and never thought I would have the guts to do it, it's the hardest thing I've had to do, so not exactly been "living it up" at my mates.

OP posts:
MikeLitoris · 04/11/2012 21:54

So he was violent? And abusive?

and you have left your dc with him Hmm

Fgs, get him out of the house and be with your dc.

Its his own fault he has no where to go.

Original poster
Charlene1 · 04/11/2012 21:56

Sorted a lot out today with ex, regarding house and kids, but not heard from friends - wanted to sort it all today but no reply from them!!

OP posts:
missymoomoomee · 04/11/2012 21:58

In all honesty I think this is a scam to get a council house thats backfired a bit.

There is no way any normal person would leave their children with a violent man, or refuse to go to a refuge because its a little bit too far to travel.