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Original poster

Mil taking the piss?

28 replies

Needstotidyup · 25/07/2012 01:46

I need some neutral advice. Dh and I are of on a spa weekend this week. However mil is refusing to have our daughter for the night. Daughter is 9 months sleeps through and very happy child. Mil is 50 well not working on weekend just doesn't like helping with kids which is why I would never Normally ask. It is our 10th anniversary and in 10yrs we have only been away 4 times without kids (my mum always has them).
Anyway we r now taking baby with us so can't do any spa treatments romantic meals etc fair enough our child our responsibility.
The wwyd is mil is off to a spa next week (50th bday present), she is assuming that I will go round to care for dh gran who lives with her, this would involve looking after her from 4pm -9pm making supper getting her dressed for bed and going round the next morning to feed her, administer meds and see her off to day centre 730-930 am
She hasn't asked me to look after gran she just knows I will if she's not around to do it, would you bite your tongue and do it so she has a nice mini break or would you kick up a fuss as she didn't giv a shit bout me and my break?

OP posts:

GTbaby · 25/07/2012 01:52

Kick up a fuss ! She knew when she didn't help u out that u would end up helping with gran. She should return the favour in the very least.
My mil would be exactly the same. Not very helpful wen u want her to be.

Ok going to stop there as I'm close to ranting about my mil now grrr

Original poster

Needstotidyup · 25/07/2012 01:57

Rant away GTbaby. I can't sleep as I'm seething. Dh gets my point but frustratingly still states "she is my mum" and that an excuse for being such a knob.

OP posts:

Tortington · 25/07/2012 01:58

let him look after gran then

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Alameda · 25/07/2012 01:59

was wondering why your husband doesn't look after his grandmother when his mum and dad can't

Original poster

Needstotidyup · 25/07/2012 02:04

He's at work from 7am-10 pm (another long story rant) which is why spending time together is a luxury.

OP posts:

Alameda · 25/07/2012 02:06

I think old people are a bit like very very little people, if you have to work you have to pay someone to take care of your other responsibilities?

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 25/07/2012 02:25

I think it's fair enough that she doesn't want to help, but that also means its fair enough that you don't put yourself out either

She can't have it both ways

monsterchild · 25/07/2012 02:27

I'd use the same excuse for not looking after gran that she used to get out of looking after your DD. And tell DH that he can just take the time off for his gran, can't he? She family and all that...

pommedechocolat · 25/07/2012 02:34

Ask her who is looking after gran when she is away outright.

SleepyFergus · 25/07/2012 02:42

Maybe she can't look after your DD and DHs gran at the same time? Or doesn't want the responsibility of having to look after both? Why have you organised care for your DD so late before you're sue to go away? I think you're BA bit U tbh.

ZacharyQuack · 25/07/2012 03:54

But Fergus, it sounds like the MIL is expecting the OP to look after gran and baby (and other kids?) at the same time, so that can't really be a valid excuse.

Original poster

Needstotidyup · 25/07/2012 07:42

I knew she would say no as she always expects me to do whatever she needs and she never does anything in return. My dh booked trip as a surprise I have tried to cancel but we will lose all the money he's paid. His mum knew a month ago we were going away and my mum is on holiday so wouldn't be able to have baby.
Dh asked her yesterday if she was ok to have baby and she was like "oh can't you take her with you". I wouldn't have even bothered asking tbh because now I'm really angry with her whereas if we hadn't asked and just assumed she won't have baby I would have just been a tad annoyed but not as hurt.

I think I will say I've made plans for the morning I need to look after gran. That means I will still look after her afternoon/evening but not the next day. That way I'm not being a total bitch just a half bitch

OP posts:

BelleDameSansMerci · 25/07/2012 07:48

You're not being a bitch at all... Can you not point out how unreasonable she's being? If you don't address it, this will go on and on. Actually, your DH should address it but it's not him doing the work!

sleepybump · 25/07/2012 07:58

Saying 'oh cant you take her with you' is not someone saying no, your answer should have been a firm 'no we cant. We appreciate you doing this for us and, i'll tell you what, you're going on a spa trip soon arnt you? Well, you do this and we'll look after gran when you go away so you dont have to take her either. Perfect! That's agreed then...'

Perhaps you still have time to have this conversation? It does dound like you have left it very late to actually ask though (though by the sounds of it your mil's requests are silent expectations too...)

Original poster

Needstotidyup · 25/07/2012 08:07

Dh said "no we can't take her, it's a spa weekend" but she just said no. I am rubbish at being assertive I will silently moan but never stick up for myself (I think it's a cultural thing) I was brought up to be respectful, do what's needed support the family. Yes mil is from the same cultural background but a selfish cow.
She will act like such a lovely person and everyone is like you are so lucky to have such a young mother in law but behind closed doors she is a nightmare.

I have told dh that I'm busy and as she hadn't asked me I shan't be changing my plans so I can help with gran. He was fine with that.

OP posts:

iliketea · 25/07/2012 08:08

YANBU - if your MIL expects your help, then she should return the favour. Either that or your MIL could pay for an overnight carer to look after her mother while she's away. And if your.DH thinks it's OK, then he can arrange time off and look after his gran.

DontmindifIdo · 25/07/2012 08:17

I think you need to make a stand on this - call your MIL and say you won't be able to help out with Gran the week after. Say you "have made plans and you're sure she can take Gran with her."

I think you need to make a stand on this, if she can't cope with Gran and a baby, then why should you be able too? If she wants family to all pitch in and help, then all family have to pitch in and help. In the same way that you can hire babysitters, but they are expensive, you can hire care staff.

hopenglory · 25/07/2012 08:19

Well you know your answer then when she asks you about the gran.... "can't you take her with you?"

DontmindifIdo · 25/07/2012 08:21

BTW - I understand not feeling you can stand up for yourself, but this is the perfect opportunity to do it, you are in the right. Talk to your DH about it first if you like - maybe make sure you make the link between the two events, that it's ok for his mother to say no to help, why is it then ok for her to then expect others what she's not prepared to do. Could he call his mum and say "Needsto won't be helping out with Gran the weekend you go away, we think it's really cheeky that you won't help us out but expect us to help you."

Original poster

Needstotidyup · 25/07/2012 08:22

Love it! Thanks for the great advice. I honestly thought I'd post on here and you'd all say I was being unreasonable. You have put a massive smile on my face (picturing her wheeling granny around in her bathrobe).

Thank you so much MNetters.

OP posts:

turningitaround · 25/07/2012 08:34

Will go against the tide here. Caring for an elderly mother/mil is nothing like caring for a baby. It's relentless, often depressing and lonely, and there's lots of data on the stress it can cause. Maybe your mil really needs a break. Maybe she doesn't really feel up to looking after a baby and an elderly woman at the same time (after all, she is a lot older than you). Maybe your family (read: your DH) should help your mil with the grandma regularly, wirhout being asked, because you (and most of all, her son) understand how important those breaks are.
I'm sure you need a break but, to be honest, your post (especially the header) sounds quite entitled. If you begrudge looking after your mil's mother, tell your DH to do it, which would be totally fair enough.

Original poster

Needstotidyup · 25/07/2012 14:56

Turningitaround, I appreciate your view and take it on board. With regards to her caring for gran a Carer washes and dresses her each morning mil just makes breakfast and gives medication and then gran goes to the daycentre(she's collected from home). Gran returns about 4-430 and then has a cup of tea takes herself to the loo, watches tv and then at 7pm has her supper and then goes to bed. She needs help getting nightclothes on and needs the commode to be put in her room. She is usually tucked in by 830 (if I'm doing it about 9 as she likes a chat while getting changed). So from that point of view she is not a hardcore Carer. Today she is going out and just passed a message on to dh that she won't be home when granny gets in and that is my cue to go round for the afternoon/evening, the other days she rang and asked me to come round there and then to look after gran.
I understand she deserves a break too. It just would have been nice to go away as the last time we went on our own was 2007. With 3 kids it would be nice to recharge as a couple as we are constantly bickering as we don't gt time together.

OP posts:

DontmindifIdo · 25/07/2012 14:59

What, she wants you to go round today to help out at 4pm - in an hour's time, and just rang your DH to tell him, not bothering to call you directly to check if you could actually do that??? What if you were out? I'm often not free from 4 - 5pm - i'd have to plan to be in.

Portofino · 25/07/2012 15:01

Should your dh not have organised the necessary child care before booking the trip? Seems a bit short notice to ask now.

iliketea · 25/07/2012 15:25

I know it's hard to be a carer for an elderly relative, but your MIL is seriously taking the piss. If she is taking the responsibility of caring for dh's gran then she needs to plan, not just announce she is out and expect you to go. Although your DH also has to take responsibilty - she phones him, instead of saying 'no that doesn't work' he's complicit in you being taken advantage of.

You need to have a conversation with MIl about arranging a carer for the evening as well so she can go out at a moments notice. Quite frankly your MIL AND your DH are taking advantage of you.

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