My husband is refusing to have an STD check before we TTC... WWYD?

[bingeddybongo]

I know full well I'm not being unreasonable, so I thought I'd stick this in WWYD instead! Please help!! :) DH and me are just about ready to start TTC. I've had a full check up including for STDs apart from me HIV test, that I'm doing next week. My DH and me have always used condoms since we got together and I thought it was only proper that I have my bits looked at before we have unprotected sex, right?

Well, aside from the HIV test he (voluntarily) had when he started his new job, he's point blank refusing to get his bits checked out. He gets really irritated with me for asking him because he thinks I'm telling him he's "dirty", however he's also told me he had unprotected sex with women before we met and doesn't seem to understand that just because he hasn't got any symptoms of anything it doesn't mean he hasn't got something. He also reckons that because a condom split when we had sex a little while ago that this means if I don't have anything, he doesn't either. I don't call that a valid STD test!!

He is a truly wonderful bloke and he's the one desperate to start TTC so I don't think it's an excuse for that, I think all it is is that he's just scared of going to the doctor, he's had all kind of bad experiences with doctors before and I think he just doesn't want to go through it. But I am not having unprotected sex with him till he's been checked out!! I know I'm not being unreasonable, and I think it's totally normal to have an STD check and get any problems sorted out before sleeping with a new partner.

So... sorry for the ramble, like I said this is more of a WWYD really, so rather than a slating of my lovely idiot DH I'd really appreciate some constructive ideas on how to persuade him nicely to have a check-up before we start TTC instead of us ending up having another slanging match in which he accuses me of calling him "dirty" and refusing to go! Thank you!!! :)

Didn't want to read and run but I'm afraid I have no advice as it wasn't something that ever occurred to me before trying to conceive.

Don't bother with the slanging or mentioning again. Next time he mentions trying to conceive say quietly and calmly "Yes, we will once you have had the std tests".

Its your body, you decide whether to put unprotected cock into it

The defensiveness over 'dirty' does not bode well for the future either - he is deliberately trying to bully you by pretending you're calling him 'dirty' into having unprotected sex - frankly, he isn't as lovely as you make him out.

JUst tell him you won't be ttc till you've seen his negative results. Your health and that of your baby should be his first priority. If he isn't mature enough to see that I would be rethinking the whole thing tbh.

I wonder if he is actually scared he has something and and is taking the head in the sand approach?

we never had STD checks before TTC. Wasnt something we considered doing really.

Well I'd say it's reasonable simple. No test = no baby-making = no baby. You don't have to be shouty about it, just matter of fact. And when he gets sulky about it (being a bloke) say 'I'm not suggesting you're dirty, I'm not saying you've done anything wrong, I love you, but I'm not going to change my mind'. And then change the subject.

Maybe he just needs a bit of time to get his head round things and your being quite firm without initiating the conversations will help him do that. You've done your bit, you've had your say, so it's over to him!

Reasonably. Sorry.

I think he's just really offended! I can't imagine my reaction if dh had asked me to get checked for stds when I had just suggested we were now in a stable and loving position to have a baby.

Absolutely no advice.

It would never have occurred to me to have this done. Is this what everyone does before TTC? I can honestly say that none of my friends etc did this before having children. I do find it a little strange that this is your husband you're talking about having unprotected sex with and not some boyfriend of a few weeks. (Sorry this is just my opinion and I understand that this is your choice)

I wouldn't argue over it, I'd just say as Laurie advises.
I can't really see his logic tbh. And he has the choice to have the test and then you can start ttc, or put it off and worry about a few tiny procedures. A considerate partner would be getting himself booked in, imo.

The op and her dh have used condoms until now. I would think that's relatively unusual in a long term relationship. (Awaits avalanche of posts from people who have used condoms for 20 years)
Therefore a lot of couples will have dealt with this issue way before ttc.

You do all realise that this is the message we're pushing at school don't you?

Being 'married' or 'in a stable and loving relationship' doesn't cure chlamydia!

This is the message with regards to std's - before having unprotected sex and certainly before conceiving have std checks - herpes can harm the baby and produce no symptoms in the adult female, chlamydia can cause blocked tubes and infertility.

You all KNOW this, I know you do - this OP is just trying to do the right thing.

I also want to do a bit of -ing at him not having std tests when you are the one that has to give birth! It's not like the whole having a baby thing is equitable when it comes with being interefered with.

He doesn't want a cotton bud up his cock - and I'm quite sure that the double internal you'll have a few times plus the actual birth part may be a tadge uncomfortable too...

Laurie, didn't you know that being in love means that you have magical STD-removing properties?

OP, good for you. You are not saying he's dirty, you're saying that he has had unprotected sex. Which is what he's told you. No need for him (or you) to get particularly emotive about it, is there? Stay firm.

We never considered it either. Surely it's more important if you have just got together, if you have been doing it for years is it really necessary?

No sex. At all. Not until he does as you ask. However, next time he adks you to do something and you kind of can't be arsed, you have to do it without complaining.

Unless it's something big in which case sulking woukd obviously work

I agree with the other posters that you should try to remain calm about the whole thing and just stick to your guns about no TTC before STD tests.

I think you are being incredibley sensible and think this is something that everyone should consider before having unprotected sex with anyone.

So many STDS do not show symptoms in men! My husband (who is a fantastic man, who would never knowing cause anyone any harm) ended up giving me the HPV virus and I have developed pre cancerous cells as a result. So I now have a life long worry that one I could get full blown cancer of the cervix, not to mention regular uncomfortable smears and colposcopies. Although to be honest I do not know whether a test is available for HPV

On the other hand a very good friend of mine contracted herpes from a boyfriened she thougt she could trust. He was too embarrassed to tell her he had it so he just went ahead and had unprotected sex with her. So again she has a lifetime of worry and discomfort ahead of her now.

I hope your husband is just being a bit pig headed and that he comes round quickly. Good luck

Did you two discuss having STD checks done or is it something that you decided needs doing and told him to do too? I think if my DH had told me to go for a check up without discussing it first I would have been peed off, not because it was an unreasonable request but because I wasn't involved in the decision making.

Have a conversation with him and listen to his objections, worries, feelings and then discuss it properly.

Sorry just noticed that you have been using condoms up until now. How long have you been together?

It's not something we considered either, but perhaps we should have. He's probably embarrassed to go and ask for an STD test, I would be, but stick to your guns OP.

I think OP is being very sensible. Like others have said ... just stay calm and consistent and hopefully he'll get bored and go and get the tests done.

Wow, thank you all so much for your responses, I'm really grateful - particularly to those of you who have reassured me that I am being sensible and gave me some really good, constructive advice; and to those of you who have carefully explained why having STD checks prior to unprotected sex in ANY scenario should be considered normal and necessary! :) I'm really sorry to hear about your situation, NigellaLawless, that's awful.

Answer to questions: we're both in our thirties, we've been together for 4.5 years, married for 2 and we've always used condoms because I haven't been on the pill since 2002 and for the two of us, it was our preferred method of contraception having discussed all other options.

You're right, maybe he's offended (I can't remember how the subject first came up but I think probably when we first discussed TTC I would have just suggested it as a matter of course, only because it to me it's just one of the boxes to tick and a straightforward, normal and sensible thing to do regardless of either of our histories) or perhaps he's embarrassed or worried about having something... I'm totally open about it all so I guess it hadn't occurred to me that he would feel any of those things... but you're totally right, Laurie, it's my body and I get to make the decision about unprotected winkies going in it ;)

My god did I really just say "winkie"???