My husband is refusing to have an STD check before we TTC... WWYD?

[bingeddybongo]

I know full well I'm not being unreasonable, so I thought I'd stick this in WWYD instead! Please help!! :) DH and me are just about ready to start TTC. I've had a full check up including for STDs apart from me HIV test, that I'm doing next week. My DH and me have always used condoms since we got together and I thought it was only proper that I have my bits looked at before we have unprotected sex, right?

Well, aside from the HIV test he (voluntarily) had when he started his new job, he's point blank refusing to get his bits checked out. He gets really irritated with me for asking him because he thinks I'm telling him he's "dirty", however he's also told me he had unprotected sex with women before we met and doesn't seem to understand that just because he hasn't got any symptoms of anything it doesn't mean he hasn't got something. He also reckons that because a condom split when we had sex a little while ago that this means if I don't have anything, he doesn't either. I don't call that a valid STD test!!

He is a truly wonderful bloke and he's the one desperate to start TTC so I don't think it's an excuse for that, I think all it is is that he's just scared of going to the doctor, he's had all kind of bad experiences with doctors before and I think he just doesn't want to go through it. But I am not having unprotected sex with him till he's been checked out!! I know I'm not being unreasonable, and I think it's totally normal to have an STD check and get any problems sorted out before sleeping with a new partner.

So... sorry for the ramble, like I said this is more of a WWYD really, so rather than a slating of my lovely idiot DH I'd really appreciate some constructive ideas on how to persuade him nicely to have a check-up before we start TTC instead of us ending up having another slanging match in which he accuses me of calling him "dirty" and refusing to go! Thank you!!! :)

It's worth having the conversation with him about what can be done if he has something. That you won't think he is dirty if he has, say, herpes, but if it's found that he has he can take the suppressant drugs to reduce the chances of you/potential baby catching it. If he had syphilis or chlamydia I believe it's course of antibiotics and it's gone. He will be worried about the consequences of having something and your reaction.

Maybe he does have something and already knows he does, as you have always used condoms, maybe he thought that he didnt need to tell you?

As others have said he may just be offended though.

My friends first baby was born with chalmidia (yes I know I can't spell it) no one knew until her new born had constant eye infections and her eyed bled in the end. Simple aNtibiotics cleared it up in no time. They are the nicest couple I know and she was devasted. It can happen to anyone. It's a very good idea.

Have you identified a local clinic to go to? Maybe he would prefer that to going to his usual GP. My memory is that it kept it off the medical records too (I could stand corrected on this).

You aren't odd OP. My DH and I had both had many partners and had a full check up before we got married. Meant more to me than a John Lewis wedding list, frankly. Shows respect and love for the other person, that you don't want to inflict nasty things on them unknowingly. Could you find any RL friends who have done the same, so you aren't a lone voice?

It doesn't matter how long you're together or how many people you've slept with, it is soooo important to have regular checks!

When I started going out with My now DH I had had one previous sexual partner and had NEVER had unprotected sex. Hubby was the same. We both got checked out when I went on the pill after a year together and we ditched the condoms happy in the knowledge neither of us had any unknown nasties!

Fair play for sticking to your guns bingeddybongo. Be calm factual and supportive. Tell him it's not that he is dirty, but rather you want to make sure you give yourselves the best chance to conceive and ensure baby's safety as well.

Good Luck hun x

In my social circle - we are in our late twenties - it is most definitely normal to get STD tests before ditching the condoms.

You are definitely not being unreasonable, OP.

I don't blame you for asking him to get checked out as well. It makes total sense. I think he probably is slightly offended but also sticking his head in the sand.

If you've ever had unprotected sex then you need to be tested, simple as.

Do you think he realises that your baby could also be infected when he/she is born ie monsters post.

I would try and have a calm conversation about it with him again.

Makes total sense. Both myself an partner had checks before sleeping together and before conceiving. I don't think it's a big ask although he might be scared of the actual examination and procedure, it's not that pleasant.

Thank you all so much for your advice and support.

I had a really good chat with DH last night and properly explained how I felt and why I felt it was important... and he's only agreed to go!! He just hadn't understood (like some of the folk on this thread) why it's so important and is - for various reasons - scared about going to his GP so we're going to try and find a clinic to go to, and I've told him I'm happy to go through all the tests with him again if it helps.

To those of you who offered me such fab, constructive advice: I really, really appreciate you taking the time to offer it and to be so supportive - thank you :) It's good, this Mumsnet ;)

That's fantastic! I'm so glad it went well and he didn't take massive offence again

Well done you.

Horrible position to be in. I think you need to remind him that if you catch an STI it might affect the baby. That if he knows he's all OK, he has nothing to worry about. That you will be going through a lot more pain than a cotton bud up his cock as part of having a baby. Offer to go with him, so that when he goes to the clinic he feels supported. We went to a hospital GUM clinic which sees all sorts and without wanting to sound judgy, the waiting room was full of people that your average heterosexual happily married man would not meet often. It could be intimidating for some.

If he won't go, its sex with condoms or no sex at all. Which means no baby. But then TTC with an STI might mean no baby anyway, just miscarriage, still birth or infertility.

FWIW DH and I went about a month after we met, a year before TTC. We went together. DH said it really wasn't that bad.

Can I just add to the number of people saying that you sound admirably level-headed and unsentimental (amazing the number of people who think Love has Magical Prophylactic Properties).

Glad to hear this has worked out well

So glad this got sorted. Best of luck mr bingeddybongo.
Hope ye get the green light for some fun baby makin practice!! :o :o

So glad this got sorted. Best of luck mr bingeddybongo.
Hope ye get the green light for some fun baby makin practice!! :o :o

That's really great and I am glad that you stuck to your guns.

I think YAB a bit U actually I would be a bit hurt if my spouse was pressuring me for a clap test.

You're not being unreasonable at all. I do understand he might feel a bit hurt etc, but in this day and age, it really is a logical and sensible thing to do and is not really a big deal. He should want to do it for his own piece of mind and out of respect for you too.

I really admire you for sticking to your guns. I had a test before I slept with DP, he said he "would get round to it" and never did.