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Original poster

I don't want DD to go to her friend's house for tea..

26 replies

dcb · 24/01/2012 12:17

and I don't know how to tell her mum. DD is 6 and is reasonably friendly with this girl at school but they're not best friends. I don't know her mum that well but I don't agree with her smoking in front of kids/at home (she also smoked when pregnant) and I don't want DD to go to her house. She has been to her house once, to a b'day party and I was pretty shocked when I picked her up and clouds of smoke came out when the front door was opened. I've also overheard the mum at the local shop discussing how she threw her partner out of the house recently as he had hit her. I don't want to offend the mum or make the little girl feel bad but there is no way she is going there (dh agrees). What can I say? She will probably see DD going home with other friends after school from time to time, so I can't say she's too tired after school. I did think about asking her here instead but I think it's just delaying the inevitable as it'll probably be reciprocated at some point.

OP posts:

MyMelody · 24/01/2012 12:20

could you suggest going to a soft play together instead?

Original poster

dcb · 24/01/2012 12:31

Thanks MM, good idea but our nearest softplay is a distance from here so no good for after school and we tend to keep weekends for family time.

OP posts:

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 24/01/2012 14:16

Just say "it's lovely of you to ask, but it's not convienient right now" and smile and go. There's no need to say anything else, but if she presses you, tell the truth - "we don't want DD to be in a smoky atmosphere, it's not good for her" - just say it matter of factly, not like you're "getting at her". If she takes offence that's her look out, it's not like you're denouncing her publicly as a bad mother and ringing a bell shouting Unclean when she passes, but why make up excuses? Just tell her the reason why, then at least she knows and isn't worrying that there's something "wrong" with her DD.

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wannaBe · 24/01/2012 14:22

"I've also overheard
the mum at the local shop discussing how she threw her partner out of the house recently as he had hit her." And how exactly is that relevant?

I realize I am probably going to go against the grain here, but actually I think you should let her go.

I understand how you feel about smoke, I do, but really as long as she's not severely asthmatic an afternoon in the company of a smoker isn't going to seriously harm her - the kids will probably play upstairs in the other girl's room anyway and won't be that near it, and really, it's just a couple of hours.

And this little girl has obviously been through a hard time, possibly been witness to domestic violence (as it's possible the partner was violent before the relationship ended), and now you want to prevent her from having a friend over?

I think you need to get past that and let your dd go. We can't protect our children from every little thing - and while I detest smoking, I don't think it's that big a deal for a couple of hours in the grand scheme of things.

pictish · 24/01/2012 14:30

I agree wannabe

Op, my apologies but I think you're being very precious, and needlessly so.
Loads will come on here and agree with you.
They are needlessly precious too.

GypsyMoth · 24/01/2012 14:31

What's going to happen? A few hours isn't going to do irreversible damage is it?

Ephiny · 24/01/2012 14:35

Agree with wannabe too. I don't like smoking either, but I doubt it would do any harm if it's just a short, occasional visit.

Though your DD might find she hates the smoke and doesn't want to go again anyway!

Original poster

dcb · 24/01/2012 15:20

Sorry, should have made it clear the partner is still there - also a reason why I don't want her to go round as well as the smoke. I don't want her there if there's a possibility she may be exposed to any violence. I do feel sorry for the little girl, but I've made my mind up I don't want her to go, just would like some help with how not to offend her mum, not whether I should let her (although I accept your points of view). Thanks x

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 24/01/2012 15:23

She could be involved in domestic violence in ANY house though..... It's a chance you take with anyone. Anyone at all.

PacificDogwood · 24/01/2012 15:25

Could you invite the little girl to yours?

Or meet at local playground?

Hulababy · 24/01/2012 15:26

I would want til the summer and they can then play outside most of the time and windows are more likely to be open.

Lilyloo · 24/01/2012 15:27

I think you are going to offend the mum no way round it. I would ask the little girl to come to yours instead though as you aren't going to allow your dd to go there.
It is hard but i very much doubt she will be exposed to domestic violence if she goes for tea. The smoke thing whist unpleasant won't really cause any longterm damage.

pictish · 24/01/2012 15:35

I still think you're being precious OP, sorry.

I can't advise you. The mum will be offended that you deem her home as not being good enough for your dd to visit for a couple of hours, yes.

Good luck with that.

GetOrfMoiiLand · 24/01/2012 15:38

Laughs at 'clouds of smoke'. It sounds like when the Wicked Witch of the East died.

Yo udon't have to let your dd go for tea. Just make up some excuse that you are busy, and keep doing so.

Original poster

dcb · 24/01/2012 16:02

Fair enough

OP posts:

wannaBe · 24/01/2012 16:34

You're still being precious.

Your dd is unlikely to be exposed to any violence - I very much doubt the mother would be inviting her over if that were the case.

There is no way you can turn this down without offending her - she will know why you don't want your dd over there, and most likely she won't be so open about talking about the violence in her home again.

No wonder women are so scared of speaking out about domestic violence when people like you help to turn them and their children into social outcasts because of it.

But by all means carry on.

Stokey38 · 24/01/2012 16:38

I would ask her to your house instead and then the little girl can have a nice play with your DD and you don't need to worry.

ElaineReese · 24/01/2012 16:39

You're being precious.

ElaineReese · 24/01/2012 16:40

I don't see how you are going to not offend her if you refuse to let your child go there - it's all very well saying 'if she gets offended that's her look-out' or that you could have the other child round to yours, but whatever the rights and wrongs of it, I don't see how she is not going to be offended.

wannaBe · 24/01/2012 16:48

I don't get this idea that someone who doesn't want their child going to someone's house can invite the other child to theirs instead. It sends a very clear message that "Sorry, your house is not good enough for my child, your child would be far better coming to my house which is clearly superior...

If someone said to me "no but he can come to mine instead," I wouldn't let them go. And I wouldn't be extending the invitation again.

smackapacca · 27/01/2012 19:15

Ok - could you find a 'logistical' problem? Or is there an animal your DD is 'worried about'.

Ploink · 27/01/2012 22:03

I don't get the people saying you are being precious. You know there is domestic violence in the house, none of us know how severe it is. I wouldn't let her go into that situation. As for the smoking I wouldn't like it either but not sure what I would do about it.

Ploink · 27/01/2012 22:05

wannaBe No wonder women are so scared of speaking out about domestic violence when people like you help to turn them and their children into social outcasts because of it.

What?! I mean seriously, what?! Are you saying the OP should send her child into a potentially violent situation otherwise she will be responsible for the mum becoming a social outcast?!

RitaMorgan · 27/01/2012 22:18

I don't think it is precious to not want to send your child to a house with a violent man in it That seems sensible to me. I wouldn't send ds anyone I wasn't fairly confident he'd be safe.

Maybe tell the mum your dd gets wheezy if she's exposed to smoke?

Ploink · 27/01/2012 22:21

Maybe tell the mum your dd gets wheezy if she's exposed to smoke?

That's a good idea. Or say Asthma runs in the family and so you don't let her be exposed to smoke just in case?

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