Mother in Law

[CrashLanded]

Ever since my sister-in-law (my MIL's daughter) has had a baby, my once really supportive and kind MIL seems to have turned against me. She makes some really snide remarks, that so far I have ignored.

This morning, I received a Christmas card from MIL and FIL. With a Christmas card (large one) was a photo of MIL with my husband on his graduation day 15 years ago!

I'm not sure how I am suppose to interpret that - I find the action of enclosing a 5x7 photo of an event 15 years ago very odd. I asked my husband whether he had asked for a copy, and he said no.

I have my own interpretation. It's a "look aren't you lucky to have married my son. He's a graduate" sort of thing.

MIL never believed that I too, graduated from a top university with a BSc(hons) and an MSc.

I have two options:
1). Continue to ignore such petty sh*te or
2). Like MIL, send my MIL a photocopy (done at Jessops) of my mum hugging me on my graduation day with a note on the back saying something like "my mother was excited and proud on my graduation too!"

I fear that if I opt for option 1, this sort of pettiness will continue so option 2 looks attractive to me, in the hope that it will put an end to these attempts to undermine my self-esteem, as I see it. But I'm biased of course.

What would you do?

Would you choose option 1 or 2?

2

You have to do option 2.

Please do option 2 (but be prepared for her to find it enormously annoying and possibly a bit threatening).

I'd do neither.

My family quite often send on photos (yes even old ones) to the people who are in them. It's because they've just come across them, enjoyed looking at them and thought others might like to look too (especially those who were not part of the family when the landmark event took place).

Even if you find it hard to see a kinder side in MIL, what you are reacting to here is your interpretation of events. Not her (unknown) intention. I'd ignore, and perhaps later when you are calmer ask her if there was any particular reason.

option 3 - ring her and ask her if you have done anything to upset her? She might have sent this in all innocence i.e. going through some photos and thought it might be nice to send a copy to you both so you could have a good laugh at the outfits etc

Sorry OP! I misread (and I haven't even started the gin yet!)

Of course, it should be option 1 (not "neither")

Can you get DH to find out what has gone wrong in terms of the snide remarks etc.
And to ask her what the photo was about - its possible you are overthinking this one.

My mil would do that but only if she'd randomly found the photo.

Are you really sure its meant maliciously?

What about getting both photos framed in a single frame (this kind of thing) and put it on display for when she next comes over. That way, it's not quite so PA, especially if you are interpreting things over-sensitively, but if you are right that she looks down on you for not being of a same/similar educational level as your DH, it gets the message across.

*I meant double frame, not single! [idiot]

I don't mean to "drip feed" but I will give you reasons as to my interpretations.

When I was dating dh, I was at university. Within a couple of months of graduating with an MSc, I had a well paid job (£20,000 per annum in 1999-2000 ish) and all was good.

As I continued in my career and moved employers, I landed with my dream job which was on a yearly fixed term contract. I had worked for the organisation in my dream job for 3 years when, at 2 months pregnant, I was informed that my contract was not going to be renewed. I know, if this were to happen in 2011, it would be illegal but this was before the 2004 (or whenever act came in). Alas, at 6 months pregnant, I was unemployed and unlikely to find a job in the near future. At this point, MIL was full of sympathy and very helpful to me. She was my rock and I appreciated that.

Anyway, when dd1 was 1 years old, I tried to return to full-time employment but it didn't work out. Somewhat crestfallen, disappointed and worn out, I was unemployed for a few years, when I decided to set up my own business. I had 2 children by then, and another on the way. It was when I became self-employed that the insults began to get worse.

My other SIL2 (MIL has 2 daughters) is also self-employed and MIL gives SIL2 grief for being self-employed as well. According to my MIL, SAHM at lazy etc, and self-employed women are SAHM in disguise IYSWIM and has contempt for both.

I have bit my lip so far but I'm getting fed up. Yes, I'm self employed but I contribute a lot to the household budget, although admittedly not as much as my husband. And I think this is the issue. My MIL thinks I'm "sponging" off her son and that he's doing "all the work".

I also overheard her say to someone, "if she really did graduate from (x) university, she would be in a proper job by now." Another reason why I'm tempted to send a picture of my graduation.

If I were really bitchy, I could say to her, "if your son was prepared to do his share of the childcare, then I could get that office job. However, your son obtains his good salary because he is able to travel abroad on a weekly basis, as he doesn't have the childcare constraints like his colleagues, since his wife (me) is self-employed and is able to be home at nights to look after our children."

Grrrrr! (Rant over, takes a bow)

I will probably wait until tomorrow when I've calmed down a little! I could use the pretext, "The photo you sent us reminded me of my own graduation day, and I thought, as you so kindly sent dh, I would send you one of mine, so you too can share my memories."

Will that do? (I need a devil's emoticon!)

I thought maybe you were being a little over-sensitive (various of DH's relatives often send us old photos that they've found and think we'd like) but your latest post suggests not! She sounds pretty unpleasant.

I like SnowHunIntended's idea of putting both photos in a single frame - maybe your DH could "thank" her for the photo and tell her that's what you're doing?

So can you not get DH to speak to her?

The double frame idea is excellent. I will definitely do that one, and I could offer her a copy as well! (Another deveil's emoticon)

DH says he has spoken to her but he says he can't "stop my mother being mother. She means no harm."

I know it's not only towards me - SIL2 has difficulties with her mum as well. I think in a way, SIL2 and I are also a little envious of SIL1, as MIL bends over backwards to help SIL1's family and sings their praises.

When you get constant snide remarks about your lifestyle (and I am trying my best, believe me) and then sit and listen to praises how wonderful SIL1 is for being the best teacher in the world (she probably is, no doubt), and then receive a Christmas card with a photo like I did......I just want to scream. And of course, dh is abroad tonight and will be until Friday, which just adds insult to injury!

Sorry but I think you're overreacting a bit.

I have another idea, revolving around the double frame. Obtain a photocopy of both dh and my graduation day, insert them side by side in the frame, wrap it up and send it back to her as a Christmas present.

That should do the trick I think. And point out to her what an excellent idea to have sent the photo, and that the one she sent is in a double frame with the same photos. Job done, everyone is happy.

Glad to have helped. She sounds a bit crazy, hope you can resolve things, or rise above it.

I don't think you're overreacting at all. She sounds like a weirdo and I'd do the double frame thing (great idea, SnowHunIntended) - I wouldn't send it to MIL though - ignore, ignore. Put it in a very prominent place so everyone can see it.

Don't ignore the snide remarks. Pull her up on them. Every time. If it is said as an aside, tell her you didn't quite hear and ask her to repeat. Insist that she repeats. And then explain why you feel that she is wrong/insulting.

It's not bitchy at all to tell her that your husband can have the job he has because you are there to do childcare. Nor is it bitchy to repeat that every time she comments.

Although it would be better if your dh could sing your praises, ad nauseum, whenever she is around and particularly if other people are there too. Tackle the issues, one at a time. First dh has to go on and on about how fab you are to do the childcare and how he couldn't have his career without you. Endlessly till everyone is bored with it. Next visit, move on to how his fantastic wife earns x% of the household income and does the childcare, how awesome is she?

What did MIL do, career-wise?

"I don't think you're overreacting at all. She sounds like a weirdo and I'd do the double frame thing (great idea, SnowHunIntended) - I wouldn't send it to MIL though - ignore, ignore. Put it in a very prominent place so everyone can see it."

That's what I've done. Since my last post, I've found all my graduation photos, and I have a couple that are really poignant for me. One in particular made me cry. (My mother has dementia now btw). We are both smiling, and my mother has her arms round me tightly and has a huge grin/smile on her face. I haven't seen my mother smile like that again, not that I can remember. I'm wearing my graduation gown - I looked so fresh face - we look both so happy.

I have placed the photos in the double frame, and I can sincerely say that I'm no longer bothered about MIL's photo. It's there, next to mine, but my eyes are drawn to my mother, and her hug and warmth and that makes me smile as well and remarkably, has a calming effect on me.

My MIL works as a shop assistant!

Bless you. Sorry to hear about your mum.

Keep us posted re any reaction from MIL when she next visits.

Oh, and CrashLanded

Result! (I think)

My husband came home a day early from his business trip abroad.

He did what he usually does when he comes home from a business trip abroad, and whilst he chucked this luggage tags into the fire, he caught sight of our endearing graduation photographs (in the double frame, which used to have photo of dd and ds). He took it and said, ?What?s this?? I repeated what I had told him on the phone last Tuesday night. That his mother kindly sent a photo of his graduation day with the Christmas card, and that had compelled me to dig out my graduation photos, and place his and mine side by side in a double frame as a memento of our special day with our mums.

Dh was clearly embarrassed. He gave me a hug and said, ?I?m sorry about my mother. It was a strange thing to do.? Having said that, he seemed more bothered that the photo was not the original! It is obvious, he said, that his mum had scanned the original and then printed it out using HP photographic paper (HP watermark logo all over the back of photo). He admitted that MIL had absolutely no reason to send it enclosed in a Christmas card. If the photo was intended for him, she could have sent it directly to his e-mail account.

He said that he would support me more in future should his mother make any further snide remarks. When I said, ?how would you feel if my mother sent a graduation photo of me in a Christmas card?? He replied, ?I would think it strange as well.?

I told him that I was tempted to send the double frame with both graduation photos as a Christmas present to his mother, and dh laughed. He said that he wouldn?t blame me if I did.

I have also taken on board the points in Betha?s post. (Many thanks to Betha x)

1. I told my husband that next time his mother has a verbal swipe at me, I will point out to her that the only reason why her son can have the job he has is because I am available to do childcare. Unless she and FIL are willing to regularly provide the over-night childcare 4 nights a week - which I know they can?t because they live in Scotland and we live in the Midlands - I cannot apply for a travelling position with the better pay prospects. If anything, her son is hindering my career opportunities. I wonder how she would feel if it were the other way round? After all, based on qualifications, I am more qualified than her son is.

2. I have also insisted that from now on, my dh is to point out to his mother (it?s only his mother who is rude and ignorant enough to make the comments) ? ad nauseum - just how much I do contribute to the household budget. If not, I will point out that I contribute to 30% of the household income and do all the childcare. If I did not have the week-day overnight childcare responsibilities, I would at least have the opportunity to contribute 50% of the household income. Yet, unless dh does less travelling (which would mean a pay-cut), someone else would have to look after our three children, and that would cost easily more than £20,000 (in nanny or boarding school fees) per year. Unless MIL is willing to provide such care free-of-charge, which I know she cannot.

3. I will give his mother the run-down of our household budget, with evidence of my contribution, should she ever accuse me of sponging off her son again. I told dh that includes inferences as well.

I asked dh how he would like it if my father accused him of bringing me down? He remained silent. How would MIL like it if I accused her son of robbing me of my career opportunities? I have held off saying such comments because I know that will cause a family rift and that MIL and I would never speak to each other again. Also, I like to think that I can behave like an adult, but by heck, my MIL tempts me to tell her as it is!

Interestingly though, this was the first time my dh has not defended his mother. dh wants to take the frame down. I told him 'no way' or if he does, I will put my photo in a single frame. He didn't like that idea either, so 'tough' I said.

Thank you for all your advice. I honestly think that I am finally making progress after 3 years of this nonsense!