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Original poster

headteacher out of line???

26 replies

mammylonglegs · 17/12/2011 07:25

About two weeks ago my son had an accident in the playground at mid day. At two I got a call on my mobile to say that this incident had happened and they felt that he should go home as he felt a little ill. 10 minutes later I was at the school.The head teacher stated that they had been trying to contact me in a brusque and condescending manner. I challenged this and said that I only recieved a call 10 minutes ago and had had no contact from the school before that. It turned out they had called by husband (in a meeting with mobile off) and then the house. So the head backed down. I believed that we had both said our piece and that the incident was over.

A couple of days ago I saw the head in the playground and greeted her. She blanked me. I called her rather loudly under my voice a cow (I know should have had more maturity) which she heard. A couple of mothers heard this and as I was walking out the school gate I heard the head say to them that she found me difficult to deal with!

I have never had any other incidents with the head or any other teachers in two and a half years of dealing with the school.From speaking to a number of other mothers about her, it seems that this brusque tone is not something new. I felt very embarrased initally , now I feel upset and angry.She seems to have taken the incident personally and I believe that she has behaved in a very unprofessional manner. I also feel disappointed in the head who I had held in high esteem previously. I feel that she needs to learn that this behaviour is unacceptable... what would you do?

OP posts:

roundcornsilkvirgin · 17/12/2011 07:27

you can't go round calling headteachers rude names. You are in the wrong here.

savoycabbage · 17/12/2011 07:38

Saying that you "challenged" them when they said they had been trying to contact you is an odd turn of phrase.

Anyway, she should't be telling over parents that she finds you difficult to deal with. Even if she has personal relationships with those parents.

Obviously you shouldn't have called her a cow! I would be so mortified Iwould move schools I think.

SaraBellumHertz · 17/12/2011 07:40

You called her a cow. You should apologise.

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Feenie · 17/12/2011 07:51

I feel that she needs to learn that this behaviour is unacceptable...

Are you for real? I can't believe you called her a cow. You are indeed a difficult parent.

Original poster

mammylonglegs · 17/12/2011 07:54

I agree I should not have called her a name. I will apologise. However I fell that she has treated me with disrespect and has taken the incident personally ( which it was not ) and has behaved in a very unprofessional manner.What ever happens I do not think that I will ever trust her judgement again as a head teacher.

OP posts:

Feenie · 17/12/2011 07:58

Maybe she just didn't hear you? Your reaction was way over the top, and is much worse than ignoring someone, even if she did. Your behaviour is now the issue here.

Sparklingbaubles · 17/12/2011 08:03

I think you need to have a chat with her and build some bridges. You were wrong to call her a cow and she was wrong to blank you. Your child is at her school and you need to move on.

Unfortunately you do need to have a decent relationship with headteachers in primary IMO. Our primary head was quite indiscreet at times.

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 17/12/2011 08:04

You called her a cow and you feel upset and angry??

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 17/12/2011 08:07

"However I fell that she has treated me with disrespect and has taken the incident personally ( which it was not ) "

LOLOL. Good lord. How is calling someone a cow not personal?

No, she probably shouldn't have said anything to another parent but seriously...? Apologise and let it go.

Dustinthewind · 17/12/2011 08:08

You are rude and stroppy and difficult to deal with.
You called her a cow, how is that not personal?
Presumably they called the numbers thy had in an emergency in the order of priority you had given them, so the delay was not the school's fault.
So, the issue of professionalism will come in her future behaviour towards your children, she must treat them with the same care, fairness and interest as all the other pupils. Despite their mother.
Saying she found you difficult to deal with is an opinion, oters could have replied 'Oh? She's a lovely woman, just a bit overloaded, she doesn't usually swear at people.' Or they could agree and sympathise with the head after she'd been insulted for doing her job.
I hate being sworn at and yelled at, blamed and humiliated in public and all the rest that seems to come with the job now. Seems like I'm not alone.

Original poster

mammylonglegs · 17/12/2011 08:10

thank you sparklingbuables. I agree with you. I know that you can only take my word for it but I am a very polite unassuming person generally. I was so upset with her reaction that the words just feel out of my mouth. I am so upset by the incident that I have hardly slept and have been so tense and nervous. I am here crying about the whole thing. I absolutely dread going back to school after the hols.

OP posts:

Dustinthewind · 17/12/2011 08:13

Why not just apologise and say you were under stress and feeling worried about your son?
Don'y you teach your children to say sorry when they have upset someone, even if they didn't mean to?
Write a note, send a personal email, ask to have a word. Whatever form your apologies normally take.

Sparklingbaubles · 17/12/2011 08:18

That's why you need to talk to her mammy. Make an appointment, apologise and explain. Write down now what you want to say so you don't forget over Christmas. I can totally understand how you feel, but you can't do anything about it until after the holidays now.

Enjoy Christmas and make it your first New Year's resolution to sort it out.

Dustinthewind · 17/12/2011 08:21

Good plan , Sparklingbaubles.

I'm off to clean my keyboard, it would appear that Someone has been eating crisps over it, and the keys are not working as well as they might.

Sparklingbaubles · 17/12/2011 08:24

Dust I hate that. My laptop screen has sticky fingermarks on the screen, and I think DS2 used laptop while easing Wotsits.

Sparklingbaubles · 17/12/2011 08:24

Eating even.

JaneBirkin · 17/12/2011 08:39

Ok. It seems like, from what you say, the HT blanked you deliberately because of the incident a few days ago?

That's odd - but perhaps she didn't notice you? Or had her mind on other things/was looking past you rather than at you? Are you sure it was deliberate?

If it was then she was indeed out of line. Perhaps a meeting would be a good thing, so you can say you overheard her saying she found you difficult, say it surprised you, and ask if there is anything you can do to make things better between you.
That way she will show her true colours - either she will be rude and dismissive and have a go at you, and you'll know it's all her - or she will say 'Oh, no of course not, there's no issue, let's just move on' or she will say, 'actually I was concerned that we couldn't get hold of you and felt you were blaming the school that you weren't informed sooner' or something (sounds like she was defensive about the phone call incident - Ihate defensiveness but anyway)

Either way, you've confronted her and the supposed problem, and offered to deal with it. Her response will give you the info you need to decide whether you are justified or not. And yes, apologise that she overheard you call her a name, but you were really upset that she appeared to be blanking you.

Or this discussion might not be necessary if she is willing to forget it and move forwards - so try focusing on sorting out this 'difficult to deal with' thing. Look to the future. She will be so gobsmacked that you've approached it that she might just want to leave it

Dustinthewind · 17/12/2011 08:45

The head is human and might not want to make unnecessary contact with the OP after being sworn at. She's only be unprofessional if the OP wanted a meeting and the head refused, or delegated.
When someone has been rude to me, and not apologised, I don't feel much like talking to them unless I have to, and if I have to, that's when I'm professional and civil. If a child swears at me, I explain why it is not OK and what they can do to fix the situation they have created. Can't do that with adults, they think being pulled up on rude behaviour is only for children.

Sparklingbaubles · 17/12/2011 08:48

The air needs to be cleared. If OP makes the first approach that can only be a good thing.

Dustinthewind · 17/12/2011 09:07

I'm imagining the posts if a teacher had sworn about a parent and been overheard.

chickensaregreen · 17/12/2011 09:19

Are you for real? Surely we need a bit more context of the ignore. It's very easy not to hear someone in a school setting you know! We're you face to face/following behind/on a playground full of children? And maybe the other mums hadn't spoken to the head about you at all. Maybe they were just assuming that's what she thought. A fair assumption judging by the fact you called her a cow!

Original poster

mammylonglegs · 17/12/2011 11:02

JaneBirkin. Thank you for your feedback and for understanding the timeline of events. When I spoke to her the school yard was nearly clear, kids gone in and I walked straight past her. It was very obvious and crushingly embarrassing that I was ignored.

I had moved on from the previous incident with my child and was offering her a warm greeting.I did think that maybe she could have dealt with the previous incident slighlty better but I was not going to take any further issue with the matter. She may have said the same about me. I believed that the issue had been closed, and was taken aback by her reaction. I fully accept that my reaction was inappropriate, but I find it surprising that she feels so aggrieved over a minor initial incident. I do think that she had a problem where I thought there was none and she could have spoken to me about the issue, blanking me does not achieve anything.

Thank you for your thoughts and help..... it is very much appreciated.

OP posts:

Sparklingbaubles · 17/12/2011 12:08

Good luck *mammy. Stop worrying. It's Panic Saturday so you need to panic about Christmas instead!

JaneBirkin · 17/12/2011 12:43

I went through a period of deliberately blanking the HT who was deliberately trying to be nicey nice to me when we had had the mother of all falling outs and she had screwed me and everyone else over royally.

Now that deserved a blanking.

Eventually she said 'Have I upset you?' with a kind of twisted look on her face, and I looked right at her and said, 'yes'.

She didn't know what to do with that.

Sparklingbaubles · 17/12/2011 13:17

My problem was that our Primary head thought that she could do anything she liked and would get all defensive if parents questioned anything. No criticism was ever allowed and she was always right even when she was wrong. It was horrible.

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