More of a wwyd regarding kids and seeing deceased relative

[rogersmellyonthetelly]

my dh grandmother, kids great grandmother passed away over the weekend. Dh and I are going to see her later this week, dh wants to take kids to say goodbye but I think the are too young at 5 and 7 years old. They have been ok about everything, a few tears initially but ok since. I just think that they are way too young to see something like this, and however good a job they have done with the makeup, I think it will distress them and perhaps disturb them. Wwyd in this situation or what have you done if you have been in a similar situation? I didn't see my grandparents bodies and I was grown up when they died, I was asked but didn't want to.

I would take my children in a situation like this, but I'm Irish and open caskets/viewing the body is entirely normal for all ages. In fact, it's normal to kiss or touch the person to say goodbye should you want to. And kissing or touching a dead person really tells you they're gone (they are like marble).

I've always found British friends and their fear of funerals very strange - the idea of not going to your first funeral, or seeing a dead person laid out, until you're an adult is terribly sad. No wonder so many posters sound traumatised by the experience. I can imagine it would be very traumatic to have been shielded from it for decades only to then realise the stark finality of it all. To me, while I find funerals terribly sad (and usually cry buckets), overall I find the rituals of death, of saying goodbye, comforting and respectful.

Perhaps it's a bit of a cultural issue. I grew up in the US where "open casket" is common at funerals. The first funeral I remember going to was a great aunt. I think I was 6 and my cousin (her grandson) was maybe 7. It was sad, but I wasn't permanently traumatised nor was he. Being part of the rituals of saying good bye to a loved one, with family and friends around who weren't shocked or offended by the presence of the dead body made it okay I think. When my own grandma died 2 years later, I was okay about that as well. I lost count of the number of funerals after that because 3 more grandparents and several great aunts and uncles followed in quick succession over the next 5 or 6 years.

Maybe the fact that I saw dead bodies when quite young, in a respectful, supportive environment, made it easier for me as I got older, when other, closer relatives also died and when I cared for people before, during and after death as a nurse. I certainly wasn't freaked by it and for me at least, I think it helped me accept the loss better.

But, if that isn't part of the mourning ritual in this country and if a child is likely to pick up "difficult vibes" from adults around them, then it's probably not a good idea for them to go along. Just my thoughts and best of luck whatever you decide.

Hmmm, very interesting question. I am 31, I have never seen a dead person and would choose not to.

However, I worked in a children's hospice a few years ago and there was a special room like a child's bedroom where a child could be laid out after death. The family could then spend time in the room and say their goodbyes as they wished. I was frequently told by the families how much comfort this gave them and, in particular, I remember parents telling me how much it helped their other children come to terms with the death of their sibling.
When death is hidden from children it can confuse and scare them, often they aren't told where their loved one has gone to and confusing euphemisms such as 'passed on', 'gone to sleep' etc. are used.
I think you know best whether your children need to see their great gran now she has died. But whether you choose to let them say goodbye in person or not make sure you take time to answer all their questions and be as honest as possible and if they are going to the funeral talk to them before about what will happen etc. HTH and sorry for your loss

Maybe those who were traumatised as adults seeing a dead body never saw one as a child. Depends on what the kids want - let them decide but explain how their ggm will look and that it may be shocking or upsetting for them.

There is a huge taboo in this country surrounding death and one day they will most definitely have to face it so I'm not sure avoiding it at all costs is a good thing. If you do take them, take it slowly and let them tell you when they want to leave and that it's fine to change their mind at any point. I do believe that being honest and open about death from a young age helps us to deal with it as adults.

So much emphasis is placed on giving birth but death and dying is very much a taboo and hidden away subject - Is this. Good thing?

Sorry but they are far too young. Not everybody has viewings, I certainly won't when I pop my clogs. Fucking being seen dead. Its not appropriate for youngsters at all.

I never went to a funeral until I was 16 and then was 19 when I was a dead person. It didn't freak me out to see a dead person.

Achieving a good death in this country is very hard, talk to any expectant mother about a birth plan and they will know what you are talking about even if they haven't made one.

Where do I go to talk about a death plan ( I don't in any way mean euthenasia) but actually who I would like to care for me and whether I want certain drugs and people not to be their etc

I thought it was important for my DS to see my Mum in the chapel of rest. He was 5 at the time she died. I'd prepared him by saying "Now that Grandma has died..." etc (because he knew she was dying in the hospice). He took one look at her in the chapel, said "Oh" and went and sat in the corner. He did look a bit shocked but I think it helped him cope during the funeral service and cremation service (held in separate places the same day). He just sat quietly the whole time because he understood.

I did things this way because I was quite traumatised by the way my parents handled things when my Grandfather died. They got the call from my Nan, following him being ill for some time, and their attitude to me when I asked was virtually "It's nothing to do with you". I was not allowed to go to the funeral either. I think I was 6 at the time, well able to understand and behave.

I took my 3 DSs (aged 8, 4 and 2 at the time) to see their late Uncle. It was a very moving time when they all got to say goodbye. They haven't been traumatised by it at all.

I say definitely take them. It is a great way for them to learn and understand about life and death. My first family death was my Grandad when I was 12, I was absolutely terrified that I would have to see his body. Not sure anyone did, but I found the whole thing very upsetting. Having met people from families where death is discussed more and bodies are viewed, I feel they have a much better approach. I would take my DS, if given the chance.

I think from a quick read that no one on here has any regrets about a young child or young childhood experience of seeing a body, it's when we get older that it is difficult.

I never saw anyone in coffins etc when I was a child and I still understood that they were gone and about death I don't think it's necessary for them to see her,

When my much loved gran died at 29 I did see her as I felt I needed that extra closure and am glad I did, it didn't upset me I found it quite helpful actually but by then was old enough to understand.

I think it's such a Personal issue dependent on what you have taught them about death and the reality of it I really don't envy you good luck

flipfantasia

I've always found British friends and their fear of funerals very strange - the idea of not going to your first funeral, or seeing a dead person laid out, until you're an adult is terribly sad. No wonder so many posters sound traumatised by the experience. I can imagine it would be very traumatic to have been shielded from it for decades only to then realise the stark finality of it all. To me, while I find funerals terribly sad (and usually cry buckets), overall I find the rituals of death, of saying goodbye, comforting and respectful.

I agree, whole heartedly. Also with mainland British culture is the santisation of death. We put old people in care homes. We dont look after our elderly at home. We pop them into funeral parlours rather than dealing with our own dead and laying out at home ( tho' I ceed central heating might have something to do with that!). Contraception has by and large reduced the size of families. Immunisation and medicine has reduced disease. War is no longer the hand-to-hand barbaric combat it was 100 years ago. We don't see death in the volume that our parents and grandparents did. Few here - unless refugees - would have first hand experience of playing on bombed out sites and rubble or seeing their street or school wiped out (ie the Blitz). The decline of churches and worship and the knowledge that there might be an after life if you have belief.

We have come to fear death and not treat it as a part of the life cycle.

Odd though isnt it? for the decline of religion - people deny marriage, avoid christening - but at the end of their days, 99% of the time its an ordained minister who presides .... I wonder why .....

I think its the years of being ushered away having death made a taboo that makes it so traumatic for people when they FINALLY see one because their head is telling them that they are seeing something that is bad, so bad that they have been protected from it until now.

normal dead bodies are really not scary if you don't have the preconception that they are.

If you give children the choice, they may say no, but knowing they had the choice is doing good because they're not brought up believing that it was something so bad they had to be shielded from it

Sorry for your loss OP

I think it depends very much on the child. What I will say is how you treat the subject of death gives children a opinion on what it is be it a perfectly natural ending of a life, or a scary time.

Not many people are open about death, which brews the uncertainty, fear and apprehension around it.

I recently had this discussion with a friend who allowed her daughter in to her labour aged 8, yet wouldnt allow same daughter to go and see a great granny laid to rest. My point was how can you embrace one part of the cycle but ignore the other?!

I would also say, better your first dealing with death be someone a bit more distant so you know what to expect before its someone closer.

I wanted to see my granda when I was 7 but was not allowed, however when my other granda died aged 16 I saw him in the chapel of rest and he was my world, I adored him. It broke my heart and I was so frightened, but I was also really upset that Id never been frightened of him til in death. Looking back it was more the fact I wasnt expecting him to look like he did in a coffin. Had I seen that before I MAY and it is only my opinion MAY have felt more prepared.

bottom line OP only you know your children.

Mandy, your comment reminded me of what happened to my ex H when he was six. He was very close to his gran, who lived in the flat upstairs. Unfortunately, he had to have a spell of about 6 months in hospital, when his parents could only visit for a couple hours a week, which was awful. While there, his gran died. But, when he got home and she wasn't there, his parents told him she'd "gone on holiday." He asked when she was coming home after a few weeks and they just brushed him off. I honestly think he developed alot of his "abandonment anxiety" around this time in his life, both from the long period in hospital (will my parents ever come back?) and the crap way his parents handled his grannie's death (will she ever come back?) It's something that partly led to our split actually. :(

Don't do it.

My dad made me go and see my grandfather's dead body when I was nine. Really traumatic, really horrible, really unnecessary. Not a good memory and taught me nothing about death except what a dead body looks like.

Who is your dh doing it for - them or him?

Sorry about your loss :(

Death and everything that comes after it is part of life and has to be explained as such to children, especially when they experience it.

Both my PIL's died about 17 months apart - first time kids were 2 and 4. We didn't take them to see MIL nor did we take them to the funeral but we did take them to the scattering of the ashes. We'd explained to 4yo about death, cremation etc. (well, we said that Nana's body would go behind a curtain and be turned to special dust).

When FIL died kids were 4 and 6. We didn't take them to see FIL (our opinion was that it wasn't really the best way for them to remember). We asked 6yo if he wanted to go to funeral ... he asked what happened and we told him. He said no, he would just get bored !!!!! I liked his honesty - we felt at that age he was old enough to make the decision and I don't regret not taking him. Again, both kids came for the scattering of the ashes.

My kids are now 5 and 7 ... if it were now I might ask 7yo if he wanted to see casket but would be honest about what to expect. I wouldn't take 5yo.

Are open coffins uncommon in the Uk? Completely normal in Ireland. Fwiw I saw my first deceased relative around the age of ten and it didn't disturb me. however, majority on this thread seems to go the other way so maybe avoid it with your dcs. I do agree with post further up that death is natural and it can be a pity that society doesn't relate to it that way at times.

Sorry for your loss too

My dad died five years ago when my DD was 8. He was living in Spain and passed away there. We chose to have the funeral service and cremation in the town where he had been living before bringing his ashes home.

He was embalmed, as is required under Spanish Law if the funeral is held a certain number of days after death, (my passport had expired and it took me a few days to get over). His body was laid out in the funeral home which was a lovely place and all his friends spent the day coming in for little visits before the funeral and as a family we spent a lot of time there hosting.

My DD was eight at the time and had to attend with us. My mum and brother kept telling me how beautiful and peaceful my dad looked but I was adamant that I wanted to remember him as he was and did not want to see him in a coffin. I perched myself on a bench outside the viewing room and wouldn't go in (the Spanish thought me very odd!). My DD was completely unphased and could not understand why I didn't want to see granddad! She was in and out talking to him and escorting his friends in and it was strangely comforting to see. Eventually SHE persuaded me to go in to the room and see him.

The funeral she found extremely traumatic.

If I were you I would go to say goodbye and take your DC with you but go to see her initially without them. Then take a decision as to whether you believe it would be upsetting for them based on your own experience and if not, leave the final decision to them.
Sorry for your loss.

I went to a few wakes as a child with the coffin open, and the DCs have been to a few too. No big deal at all for me or for them. I think maybe this is because I am Irish and funerals are more embraced as social occasions, and a normal and natural and necessary bookend of life in Ireland.

Death happens. I think to make a big deal out of the question of having them view the body actually makes it all more dreadful for children.

Funnily enough, I've been with two relatives as they died, but never seen a body laid out. I'm 37. I was with my Grandad when he died, very peacefully, aged 90, and was glad I was there with him. I was also with my Uncle when he died, horribly, after a very bad road accident. I've always wanted to remember them as they were. My DD was just 3 when my Grandad died, and we did take her to the funeral, but certainly wouldn't have taken her to see him lying out ready for burial. It's probably my hang-up, and I'm also not religious, so there's no thought that the person is 'there' any more.
So, what I'm saying (badly) is that I wouldn't have my DD see someone laid out, as I think she's still too young to understand.

Op- I also strongly suggest that you dont take your DC'S to see their Great Grandmothers' body as I too believe they will find it extremely upsetting.

I saw my Nan in the chapel of rest, I was 32 when she died, and I can honestly say that no matter how much I try to remember her when she was alive, all I seem to visualise is the image of her lying in her coffin.
I regret seeing her after she had passed away.