More of a wwyd regarding kids and seeing deceased relative

[rogersmellyonthetelly]

my dh grandmother, kids great grandmother passed away over the weekend. Dh and I are going to see her later this week, dh wants to take kids to say goodbye but I think the are too young at 5 and 7 years old. They have been ok about everything, a few tears initially but ok since. I just think that they are way too young to see something like this, and however good a job they have done with the makeup, I think it will distress them and perhaps disturb them. Wwyd in this situation or what have you done if you have been in a similar situation? I didn't see my grandparents bodies and I was grown up when they died, I was asked but didn't want to.

I wouldn't.

I have only the vaguest of memories of my Dad's face in the funeral parlour, I glanced at him but only went in to support my Mum. I really didn't want the last memory of him being in a coffin in a funeral parlour. As it is I have this horrible picture in my head of his hand (which is what I did look at for the time) all cold an waxy looking not warm and real.

Funeral - yes if they want to and feel up to it and someone is on standby to whisk them out.

Dead body - no. No. No. And again. No.

I saw my first dead body when I was 18, I was pushed and bullied into it by family members and it traumatised me for a long long time.

No. I was over 40 when my parents died and as much as I loved them, I couldnt bring myself to visit them afterwards. I am glad I didnt go. I think they are too young. Mainly becuase they dont understand and that they cant decide for themselves.

Agree it's a cultural thing, but it can also be a family thing.

Seeing my granddad in bed at home took all the mystery out of death for me. Mum and I simply walked in, had a chat, spoke to his body and left.

It helped me prepare for sitting with my grandmother while she died at home when I was 19, my great uncle when I was in my mid 20's and my other grandmother, again at home when I was in my early thirties.

I think it a great privilege to have been able to do that.

I think this is something that only you can judge as a parent, knowing your individual child.

However, I think it is so sad that in our society today something as normal as death should cause trauma to those who witness it/ its immediate aftermath. We all die, and yet death is such a taboo.

If you think that they could handle it, then I would definitely say take them, but only if you don't think it will upset them too much. A healthy respect and knowledge of death is no bad thing, and all too rare in the modern world (at least where I live) imho.

My Nan died when I was in my 20's and it was horrible. I wish I had never gone to see her after to say goodbye. I wish I had kept my last memory of her alive. I wouldn't let my children if it were me.

My mother has made me promise her that I will NOT go to view her body unless I absolutely have to. She went to see her own mother's body as a young woman and has regretted ever since that her final memories are so horrifying. Cultural, it may be. But none the less real for that.

Sorry for your DH loss.

Depends on your 'culture' - if you are of (eg) Irish descent, it will be usual to have open coffins and wakes. Ditto when I flew out to Canada - which phased me awfully _ couldnt get my head round the amount of 'funerals' for one person! There was an open day (open casket viewing by Joe Public), a few days later there was a cremation and a few days later an ashes committal. The same people were expected to attend all threee services on different days.

Personally, I was quite distraught at viewing my mothers body (but I was 31 weeks pregnant) - on the other hand when FIL died, DH spent every afternoon at the undertakers. SO what worked for him did not work for me.

I think it is very much a personal thing; it depends on the maturity of your children and how you have dealt with death within the family.

O/T I have always taken my children to the funerals of people who, shall we say, weren't that emotionally connected to them - thats just preparation for dealing with the service etc when it is someone close. I never attended a funeral until I was 20/21, and it was a burial. The next funeral was my own mother. I was not prepared at all.

Maybe the trigger with my mother was the fact she had been in hospital for a week and looked ill. She was an extremely well groomed woman. No one mentioned there are make up artists for the deceased. So seeing her ill kempt after week courtesy of the NHS was perhaps the 'shock factor'. However, saying that, I was in the room but behind the curtain when she died and I wasnt traumatised by being allowed to see her 10 mins after she died.

I do think funerals are important, it is a 'respect' thing in my eyes. Others will disagree.

Death is the natural conclusion of the life cycle.

I think it's a judgement you have to make as a family and not ask randoms on the internet.

It depends on the child.

I saw my Grandmother when I was 5. She has died slowly in hospital, I knew that she would die, and we wouldn't see her any more.

She did die, but I didn't understand how final it was until I saw the body. I can remember even now realising that she would never be around again. Until I saw her, part of me thought she was still with us somewhere.

Only you as parents can decide whether your children need this experience, or whether they can be reconciled to what's happened without viewing the body.

I am not sure, I think its not a bad idea for children to be able to say goodbye am not sure about seeing the body, children may not be as traumtatised as an teenager or adult as they tend to be more matter of fact about life and death but then again they may find it very disturbing. I would not if it was me.

When I lost my DH, I had to visit him for myself every day at the funeral parlour. He just looked so peaceful as well and he looked as if he were just peacefully asleep. Whether you take a child or not to see a deceased person, why not go in yourself first and see what things look like? Make a decision and either call your child/ren in or don't.

If you don't, you might regret it one day.

Absolutely not, definitely no, no, no.

Some relatives of mine were decidedly iffy about me taking my 9 and 7 year olds to their dgrandad's funeral earlier this yaer. I thought it was important they came (as his only grandchildren for starters) and I am glad I stood my ground as they coped very well.

But I would never in a million years have considered taking them to see his dead body in the hospice, and they are older than your dc.

I wonder if those that suffered trauma where not handled in a sensitive way and this was why it was such an awful experience and didn't give them the peace it should have acheived

no i would not ,im 43 and never seen anyone laid out at a funeral home

I would, I saw two of my grandparents' bodies (at age 3 and 7). Your imagination is usually worse than the reality, what they imagine the dead body being like in the coffin will probably be a worse image than the reality

ask them if they want to

No I think that they are too young, the last memories should be of happy ones when she was alive not dead in a coffin. They can say goodbye in different ways.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I found my Granny dead in my bed when I was 5 years old. My dmum was heartbroken that it was me who found her. Personally, it took a lot of the fear out of death for me. She just looked like she was sleeping, only I couldn't wake her up.

I would chat to your dcs in a round about way and see if you can gauge their feelings about it. I can't see that it is in any way necessary but it may be that it would answer some questions for them or take some of the mystery and worry about death away for them.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I was holding my grandmother's hand as she died when I was 11, and then subsequently sat with her.

I agree it is about family culture. Death is a natural part of life but it is screened off almost as if it is unnatural. I think talk to them about it and let them decide. It may help them understand the process.

It will depend on a lot of things, how is death dealt with by you as a family,
I saw all my relatives laid out and I guess it is normal to me but then I also come from a family tradition where the person is laid out at home We watched this years world cup rugby final in my 26 yro cousins home as she was a huge rugby fan and had died that week she was laid out in the coffin with us, her Dad had promised to watch it with her [she was in a hospice] and this allowed him keep his promise.
If the funeral parlour do a proper preparation she will look like she is sleeping. The trauma if there is any will come from other peoples reactions and not the viewing IMHO. I personally feel that saying goodbye at a funeral parlour to the person is better then seeing a box being put into the ground.
I am sorry for your loss

When my grandmother died a couple of years ago, my cousin (aged 27) went to view her before the funeral.

He was completely freaked out by the whole thing and wishes he hadn't. It never occurred to me as something I'dwant to do. My granny was lovely. Amazing woman. I've so many memories of every part of her - how she looked. What her cheek felt like when I kissed her. The smell of her clothes. And so on. I'd rather remember her living than dead.

I do wonder whether there's truth in the cultural difference/embalming.

my opinion is that if it's something you are ushered away from as a child, then by the time you are an adult it is a massive taboo and very traumatic if you do see a body. If it is treated as a natural final chapter from childhood then seeing dead bodies as a child and into adulthood is never traumatic.

same for funerals, seems to me that people who don't go to their first ones until they are adults find them very difficult and assume it will be equally or more difficult for a child

I would agree on the funeral front grumple I was in my very late 20's before I went to my first funeral and I was deeply traumatised. It was embarrassing. Now I have a huge phobia of funerals (though it is not as if anyone actually likes them) which makes the whole process ten times harder, when it is hard enough already.

NO ! I say that as a 34 yr old woman who saw her Nan before and after she died last year. Even when she was dying she still looked like my Nanna, after she didn't and tbh I went to see her for her, not for me. I couldn't bring myself to touch her or hold her hand after she died.
When I think back, yes I am pleased I went but I do still have that image in my head..although I am old enough to also remember her when I was younger, I don't imagine a child would be able to do that. A dead body does NOT look like the person, they don't look like they are sleeping, they look dead :( xxx

When my Dad dies unexpectedly a couple of years ago I went to see him along with my siblings at the Chapel of Rest. For whatever reasons I had my eldest boy with who was 9 at the time . The undertaker was very good and there was a very comfortable sitting room where my son could stay and wait for us. he happily played on his DS .

I explained to him what me and his aunty and uncle where going to do ' say goodbye to 'grandad ' and he was fine sitting in the room whilst we went to see Dad.

I then came back out and spoke with my son and out of the blue he asked ' Can I say goodbye?' Well I didn't know what to do and virtually ran back into the Chapel to get my brother . He went off and spoke with my boy and next minute they came in together. My son stood by the side of the coffin looked and gave a knowing nod and we left.

Whether it was curiosity or what I don't know but I was very proud of him and it made me think how sometimes we underestimate our children.

Th next day it was the funeral - my son was with me first time he had been at a funeral and he was not fazed by seeing coffin coming into church and the whole ceremony , infact he was very much a comfort to me.

He never had nightmares about it as I think he saw it was all very natural and nothing to be afraid of - Grandad was asleep.

Now my Mum died some years before my Dad , my son did not see her and yes he was younger again but he did have a bad time about dreaming about dying etc .

I really dont know what the answer is except take your lead from your children.

No -I would remember her as she was.I have seen 2 dead bodies and I have decided not to do it again if I have a choice. The person isn't there. At least wait until they get to an age where they can make an informed choice and they are too young now.