Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

I have hit a wall with being a Mum

82 replies

theyfuckyouup · 04/08/2011 20:53

I am a SAHM to three DCs aged nearly 5, nearly 3 and 16 months. I thought I'd be a good mum and I'd love being at home. I'm not and I don't. I used to happily do loads with my children; craft, baking, outings, gardening, playing games, chatting etc but I now I kind of dread and resent it all. When my DH is home I enjoy it more but when I'm on my own I either feel like a zombie-robot Mummy going through the motions, like tears are welling up all the time, or like I'm going to snap and lose my temper. I feel like I'm failing my kids and my husband but although I keep promising to do better I bounce back to feeling the same.

OP posts:
colditz · 04/08/2011 21:44

When my kids were 5 and 2 I used to lie on my bed and weep every morning at the drudgery I know my day would be. I took a shit job in a shit office just to have the chance to wear nice shoes for 2 days a week.

Mine are now 5 and 8, I haven't wiped a bum for months, nappies are long forgotten and "I'm thirsty!" is met with "Get a drink then!"

It gets so very much better, chin up darling

SilveryMoon · 04/08/2011 21:49

Oh OP bless you!
Your uni time was not wasted, you are raising your family and when they are ready for school/nursery/day care, then whatever it was you studied will stand you in good stead for achieving whatever you want from life.

Do you know what? I feel guilty about wanting to go to work, because I do think of all the people that want to be at home and for whatever reason can't, and then I hope my ds's won't feel like I'm abandoning them, then I think I am selfish for thinking of me, because when we decided to start a family, children always come first blah blah blah blah, but also, I know that they are ready for things that I cannot give them at home, I think we will learn to appreciate each other more with restricted time together.
I'm trying not to feel guilty, but as you know, guilt is a mother's best friend Sad

Now I'm rambling, so will shut up!
Sorry if the above makes no sense x

WhatFreshHellIsThis · 04/08/2011 21:51

What did you do before children, theyfuckyouup? Is it something where you could dip your toe back in to working in any way, freelance, part time, anything like that? I have only survived children by working part time all the way through, as colditz says, so I can wear nice shoes occasionally and go to the loo by myself.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Original poster
theyfuckyouup · 04/08/2011 21:52

colditz...love your nice shoes comment. In my work fantasys, (yes really this is what I fantasise about), smart shoes and clothes feature very strongly. Getting any actual work done... less strongly!

DS1 starts school in Sept, DS2 starts part time preschool in Jan. I love my boys but I'm counting the seconds.

Nobody in RL says any of this do they? All the SAHMs I've met say how much they love it and wouldn't change it for the world. Lots of older people I meet tell me how pleased they are that I'm being a proper homemaker and I want to lamp them.

OP posts:
SilveryMoon · 04/08/2011 21:53

They're all lying! I'd lay my life on it.
Don't get me wrong, I love my boys and no I wouldn't be without them, but sometimes I could throttle the little fuckers monsters

baskingseals · 04/08/2011 21:56

they are all liars the lot of them
and people have very short memories

i have blanked out most of the first 6 months of dc3's life, and the bits i do remember would not win me any parenting awards.

SilveryMoon · 04/08/2011 22:00

Gosh yes! The memory thing!
A few weeks ago, I bumped into the lady that used to run the play group me and ds's went to.
We chatted and she said all the "I can't believe how big they are" etc etc etc.
She knew about my PND and prozac (that I still take now) so asked how I was coping.
i said something like "Oh, ok, but ds2's tantrums, oh, I've never seen anything like it" and so on and so on
She replied "Are you joking?! have you forgotten your ds1's tantrums? he was very bad with them, always on the floor pounding his fists and legs, you used to cry in the middle of group about it"
OH YEAH!!!!!!! And that was only after a year

Original poster
theyfuckyouup · 04/08/2011 22:01

Thank god! The tragic thing is I used to be a teacher. I was really passionate about early years teaching and put my heart and soul into my work. That's why I honestly thought I'd be so dammed good at the parenting m'larky. I mean 3 children vs 30 children, how hard could it be? Now I am starting to doubt whether I actually was a good teacher. I have even bigger doubts whether I'll ever return to it. Right now I crave a job with absolutely no kids.

OP posts:
Carrotsandcelery · 04/08/2011 22:02

I have a fab relationship with my DMum and she was a fantastic mum to us when we were little.

When I talk to her now I realise she found it really gruelling, even though she loved/loves us dearly and enjoyed us too.

I love her even more for being honest enough to share that with me rather than letting me think it is only me.

It has also struck me that my Dbro and I were completely oblivious and have very happy memories of our childhood with her.

SilveryMoon · 04/08/2011 22:05

It's so different with your own though.
I am an SEN TA.
Give me 8 ASD children and Ican have pretty close to full control. Give me my own 2 children and my gosh, I turn into a screaming fish-wife on the verge of a break-down and that's just before breakfast!
I'm sure you were a fantastic teacher and that you will be again if you wanted to.
I am also sure that you are a fantastic mother and that you are just too hard on yourseelf and don't get enough 'me' time.

WhatFreshHellIsThis · 04/08/2011 22:05

Lying liars, the lot of them. Motherhood is the hardest fricking job in the world, and the mad thing is we're expected to do it all by ourselves these days, whereas at least in the days of yore you had all your aunts and grannies and cousins living around you who could hold the baby while you went and screamed into a pillow. Grin It's lonely and difficult, and although I love my children fiercely and hugely, I have had days where I would cheerfully give them away to any passers by.

Also, you should be counting the days till school/preschool. If you never wanted them to grow up and be independent and start needing people and stimulation other than you, then the world would be full of needy little Mummy's boys living at home having their washing done. Motherhood is as much about pushing them into the world as it is about nurturing them and loving them. Fling them out of the nest!

SilveryMoon · 04/08/2011 22:08

I don't know about flinging them out of the nest, but I often think about flinging them out of the window Grin Wink

Carrotsandcelery · 04/08/2011 22:11

OP I used to be a secondary teacher and hand endless patience with the most difficult and obnoxious teenagers. When your own dcs do the slightest little thing though, it is a completely different thing.

There is a special name for that apparently (according to ds's drum teacher) but I can't remember what it is Blush

Original poster
theyfuckyouup · 04/08/2011 22:12

I am so pleased I posted this. People seem to think I'll have all the answers because of my teaching. I do have ideas for activities and used to help out with my local toddler group etc but parenting is so different from teaching. It's all the time, day and night, with no colleagues and no staff room to hide in.

OP posts:
Carrotsandcelery · 04/08/2011 22:14

And although you care deeply about your pupils, your emotions related to your dcs are far, far more extreme, in all ways!!

SilveryMoon · 04/08/2011 22:15

Am pleased you sound a bit better than you did in you OP, and pleased all these people have been able to reassure you a bit.
When things get really tough here, I down a bottle of wine and go to bed half an hour earlier than normal with a good book. I close the door so I am shut off from the rest of the flat and enjoy that until dp comes to bed at which point I pretend I am asleep! Blush

Carrotsandcelery · 04/08/2011 22:16

Silvery Grin

Original poster
theyfuckyouup · 04/08/2011 22:20

When I first posted I thought I was just having a self indulgent rant and a few people might reply to tell me to pull my socks up and get on with it. It's been such a relief to find people saying they feel/felt the same and still have a sense of humour too! It has put a smile on my face and kept me off the snacks, (a miracle). I don't know how long the smile will last in the morning but I will think about how I can start having a bit more time off.

OP posts:
SilveryMoon · 04/08/2011 22:22

Don't worry about how long the smile will last in the morning, it is there now, and that's what we need to concentrate on in tough times, the now.
I've got to get to bed now, my little darlings will wake me up before 6am. Gotta love 'em Hmm
Goodnight all

EightiesChick · 04/08/2011 22:23

Sympathy OP. Given the ages of your DC, is your eldest going to be in school at the end of this summer break? If so, is paying for childcare a bit more feasible for the other two, esp when your middle DC hits 3 and gets some hours paid for?

perfumedlife · 04/08/2011 22:24

OP I only have one child and I felt exactly the same as you do now. I thought I would surely combust with sheer tedium Sad

I literallly marked off the days on a calander until ds started school. I had some serious health issues so I know that didn't help, but honestly, it was so hard, so teeth numbingly dull sometimes. My own mother had four dc and seemed to take it in her stride. We spoke recently about the truth, in which she tells me she regularly fantasised about another life.

You need time out, pronto. Even if it's two hours at the movies, alone.

Original poster
theyfuckyouup · 04/08/2011 22:25

goodnight SilveryMoon.

OP posts:
Original poster
theyfuckyouup · 04/08/2011 22:28

I did a rough calculation of wrap-around childcare for DS1, chilldcare for DS2 minus his free 15 hours and full time childcare for DS3. The bill was definitely above my potential salary.

OP posts:
Original poster
theyfuckyouup · 04/08/2011 22:30

I think I had better turn in too now. Thanks everyone for your kind and helpful messages.

OP posts:
mamasunshine · 04/08/2011 22:33

I could've written eveything you have, apart from I work part time, and my dc's are a bit younger - 3, 2 and 6m. I've just started trying to get out for an early morning run, but it's not happening a lot. We have almost no help with childcare. Was hoping it would ease up soon, but maybe not so soon?! I've been working with dc3 though which has been very hard, so once she starts nursery it will make a difference. I do remember when I just had the 2, my 2 days at work a week were bliss, and it really made me make the most of my days with the dc's.