work/childcare problem

[desertingmum]

I've been asked to go to an external meeting next week for work. I won't be home till about 8pm.

As bad luck would have it, DH is planning to go out for a drink that night straight after work, so not coming home. The last time he'd planned to do this he cancelled because I needed to work. This by way of background and NOT in any way (I don't think) representative of a regular occurence.

This being the case, I did not ask him to cancel his night out (I didn't ask last time, to be clear, he offered) and instead looked at other options. I found a babysitter who we've used before who was willing to do afterschool club pick up, bring home (5 mins walk), sort out 1DC and put to bed. DC is 6.
DH is, in his words, "livid" with my proposal.
Am I really that out there? I'm not saying it's the best solution for a small child, but is it totally out of order?
I have to say I'm a bit taken aback, and also concerned as I'd always had this option in the back of my mind as reasonable if we were both going to be home late, we've just never needed it until now.
I'm not delighted with the extra cost incurred by work, but it is a one off and it is something I think is important.

I'm feeling a bit stuck, as although I'm saying WWYD, I don't know what I CAN do. How do I cancel it at work - no, babysitter not a problem, husband is, or do I let him cancel his night out and then get all the crap for having "forced" him to do so...

OK, 2 questions:

1. is it really not on for my arrangement to work? If yes, ignore 2 (but tell me at what age this may be acceptable!)
2. how do I calmly explain this tonight when he comes in all guns blazing?

I'm posting this at the wrong time, I know, just noticed the time, but all answers and opinions appreciated and I'll bump later if necessary!

Your proposal is fine. The babysitter knows your DC, your DC is old enough to tell you if anything goes wrong.

You tell him that you have to work, you don't want him to compromise his arrangements so you have arranged alternative care and it is his choice whether he cancels and does the pickup etc or not, you are not forcing him to do anything.

Then point him in the direction of this thread.

Your solutions sounds perfectly reasonable to me, for any school-aged child.

If your DH doesn't think your solution is workable (has he articulated what his problem with it is?) then it's up to him to come up with another solution or cancel his night out.

Thanks for your quick and reassuring answers! It gives me confidence at the very least that I am not screwing up our child for the sake of work (enough FT working mummy guilt already, thank you!!)

Bramshott, he hasn't really articulated what his problem is: reasons he gave were it not being optimal for DC to have babysitter put him to bed and not see either of us (quite often only sees one of us, although as he's getting bigger there's more chance of us both being home by bedtime), cost, and general not-on-ness.

I see it's the general not-on-ness that will be hardest to tackle!

well if he doesn't like it, he can stay at home

You have a work commitment. He has a social engagement. It's one evening.

Do you never have a babysitter in to have a night out or similar? How is this different?

No reason at all for him to be livid.
If he is particularly stressed about the importance of one if you putting the dc to bed then he cancels his night out.

Do you share the school run drop off and collections evenly as you are both working? If so then it is unfortunate but I'd expect dh to rearrange his drink. If you donthe bulk of it and work I would leave it to your dh to sort out the childcare that evening.

Do the bulk not donthe!

Well if he thinks it's vital for his DC to be put to bed by a parent, he'd better give up work and be a SAHD. Or at the very least stop going for drinks after work.

Back in the real world, the rest of us have to cobble it together as best we can, and on occasion that involves other people putting your kids to bed, as well as paying out more in childcare than you are earning that day!

Your solution seems perfect to me, and seems as though you were being very considerate to DH in arranging a babysitter so he wouldnt have to miss his night out.

I'd say to DH that you purely arranged the babysitter to not inconvenience him, but if he would prefer to be at home himself and put DS to bed while you work then you are also happy to go with that arrangement. Leave DH to decide what he'd prefer and then you wont have any huffing and puffing about you inconveninecing him by making him cancell his night out as it willl have been his own choice!

In that circumstance, dh would cancel his social engagement. But theres nothing wrong with the babysitter option

He can cancel his social engagement or wind his neck in re babysitter.

I really don't understand what his problem is. I think what you've arranged is very sensible and exactly what I would have done in your position. If he's that bothered, let him cancel but make sure he knows that's HIS decision and you haven't asked him to do so.

Actually, I don't think him cancelling his night out is right. I'd rather not get into the "my work is more important than anything else argument". That's why I tried to avoid it! But you are right, if babysitter is not an option, then that's what happens. And he does not get to make snide comments about it, right?

SnapFrakkleandpop, of course we've had babysitters before - that's why I don't get it! We've had complete unknowns come to the house and, for that matter, taken him to their houses (recommended childminders, but nonetheless, not known to us!) - always left to me and always on my judgement.

Well given that you've had babysitters he really has no recourse at all to say you shouldn't have one now. It's not a 'my work is more important' contest, it's just unfortunate that things have panned out this way and you've made sensible alternative arrangements similar to what you've used in the past!

It's one night, your DS will probably see it as an adventure (I know my kids would). Your dh has no right or indeed reason to be 'livid' - if he's not happy with the arrangement he can cancel his night out, entirely his choice. What exactly does he suggest you do? He can't possibly be suggesting that his social life is more important than your work commitments, surely?

MollieO - he does in fact do his fair share of drop offs and pick ups - we split equally during the week. The fact is, it is MY pick up night, so I've no problem with him having arranged a drink. But I cannot pick up and have made an alternative arrangement.

Bramshott: Back in the real world, the rest of us have to cobble it together as best we can, and on occasion that involves other people putting your kids to bed, as well as paying out more in childcare than you are earning that day!
Thank you thank you thank you! Cobble it together best we can is exactly what I am doing - and tbh I am surprised that in the 5 years I've been back at work this is the first time this has come up!

I cannot believe I was starting to doubt myself - will be strong and resolute in making my point tonight.
Must sheepishly point out that I raised this whole issue in an email today as I couldn't face speaking to him about it last night. Not sure that puts us in a great light, but there you go.

Agree with everyone else. In that situation my dh would rearrange his 'drinks' and it wouldn't be a big deal. We support each other.

Email is fine. It gives a chance to digest information before we respond.

Is his issue maybe that you went ahead and arranged something without consulting him? Somehow relegating him if that makes sense?

I think your solution is perfectly reasonable.
If your dh doesn't like it then he can cancel his arrangements and suck it up.

Oh of course your proposal is fine. What does he think single parents do? No social life or work commitments outside of 9-5? Pah.

It's his issue, if he isn't happy with a babysitter then he will have to stay home.

Ridiculous. And selfish.

damn italics!

Drizella - despite the italics I get your drift! Although I suspect part of the problem is that my job isn't just 9-5!
Thanks for the support, everyone!
Question: do you think our respective experiences with full time working mum and SAHM in the 70s has some bearing on this? Maybe in my head I was much more geared up to cobbling together childcare solutions with whoever I could find at the time?

What would I do? Show DH this thread to prove he is being ridiculous.

What on earth is the problem? Cost will be marginal for one night, your DC will be fine, for one night.

Your work isn't an option - his social event is optional - so if one of you has to cancel, it should be him. But truly, it needn't be either.

Good luck!

I really don't understand what it is he is livid about? Tell him he's being ridiculous!

Is he annoyed because he sees you as having a 'night out' on the same night as him, even though yours is work?