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Original poster

would you have a niece to live with you if they were in need?

30 replies

materialgirl · 21/02/2011 10:23

just wanting some views/experiences on this type of thing if possible, have name changed as sensitive subject.

basically, i have a niece who, for many reasons, is having lots of trouble at home. some their fault, but mostly is caused by the (divorced) parents.

dh is feeling obliged as he is both uncle and godparent, to think about stepping in to help. i don't mind the stepping in to help, but am a bit ok a lot more reluctant to offer for them to come and live with us.

has anyone been in this situation and given a home to a close, young relative? she's 13.

OP posts:

Tee2072 · 21/02/2011 10:24

I've never been in the situation, and my nieces live in the US, but I would not hesitate to have one of them come live with me if they needed to.

galletti · 21/02/2011 10:27

haven't been in situation, but have a niece, and would not have hesitated to help out if there had been a need.

drinkyourmilk · 21/02/2011 10:28

I think it's natural to feel uneasy about changing the status quo in your home. Can you put your finger on why you feel uneasy?

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Families

starshaker · 21/02/2011 10:29

In a heartbeat

SingingTunelessly · 21/02/2011 10:29

Well I think a lot depends on your family circumstances as well. Where does she go to school, can she/you get her there easily enough? How old are your children? What would the sleeping arrangements be? "Maintenance" payment for want a better word. There is an awful lot to think about.

I don't think you should just make a knee-jerk reaction that you can sort her out.

Original poster

materialgirl · 21/02/2011 10:30

even if your own family had it's fair share of problems, health issues, money worries?

i know i sound selfish (and am very aware my views are clouded by my feelings towards the mother), but this would make a huge change to our family and i have to put my own kids first to a cetrain extent.

OP posts:

Original poster

materialgirl · 21/02/2011 10:31

my dc's are 8 and 4 btw.

OP posts:

GwendolineMaryLacey · 21/02/2011 10:32

Yes, without question. But both of my nieces live 5 minutes away and go to the local school so logistics would be no problem.

You have to make the best decision for your family as well though. If the impact on your own children would be greater than the problem you're trying to solve then think carefully.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 21/02/2011 10:32

Most definitely yes.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 21/02/2011 10:44

If I was able to help any member of my family out, as long as I could afford it (possibly not even a consideration) and it wouldn't disrupt my family life I would do it.

coccyx · 21/02/2011 10:48

Yes I would. She is only 13. Not like its forever. No one is saying you should not put your kids first

JiminyCricket · 21/02/2011 10:49

yes with clearly discussed boundaries, expectations and timelines

hillyhilly · 21/02/2011 10:50

I would but I know my husband would absolutely not want to. In this instance I think you are the same relation ie it's your dh's niece directly? I think 13 can be an incredibly difficult age for the child and the parents and if you were to do it you would need very clear groundrules and boundaries for both the child and her parents.
My biggest concern would be the impact on my own dcs, you may have to be selfish and offer maximum support without residency?

LemonDifficult · 21/02/2011 10:51

I want to say I'd rush in there, and on balance I reckon I'd take her in but it would depend a lot on whether my DCs were younger or older than her.

If she's going to be the eldest in the house then maybe not. If you've got experience of teenagers and you know what your family is getting into then yes.

AMumInScotland · 21/02/2011 11:03

I think you have to weigh up the effects on her and on your own DCs. How much help does she need, how much will it disrupt you, is this the best way of improving the situation. It's lovely that your DH wants to get her out of a bad situation, but how are you going to be able to help her. If she just needs some stability, then that's one thing. If she's seriously off the rails, then you'll need to think carefully about how you hope to sort her out.

PaperView · 21/02/2011 11:06

Of course i would.

However, it couldn't be a long term thing. We don't have the space or the money.

LisaD1 · 21/02/2011 11:45

Absolutely, yes. Different circumstances for me but I had my niece live with me from 3 months old to just after her 3rd birthday as my sister was young, in a bad place and unable to cope. DN is 15 now and would not hesitate if she needed me.

PoledrathePissedOffFairy · 21/02/2011 11:52

In a minute, but then I get on well with my siblings and love my nieces, and DH is very laid back about this sort of thing. In fact, there is a child of another, more distant, family member whom we are worried about, and DH has already said he wishes we could take this child in and give him/her the care they deserve

JennaTailor · 21/02/2011 16:07

Get some information on Kinship carers... and yes I would.... not sure I would be so happy about taking on my DP niece though (although I would).

diddl · 22/02/2011 10:13

Yes I would.

But she is my niece-my sister´s daughter iyswim & I would be the one doing most of the looking after.

Is it because it´s your husband´s sister´s daughter but you will have the most responsibility?

aokay · 16/03/2011 16:54

if you have these reservations & 'feelings' about 'the mother', I'd say don't do it. Speaking as someone who got stuck with aunt who treated me as unpaid au-pair and made clear my presence unwelcome, I don't think these things work unless child knows they're loved, wanted, and will not be treated differently to other children in house. If you hand on heart can't feel this way then better for child not to be in your house.

MummyBerryJuice · 16/03/2011 17:07

My parents have practically raised my cousin and her brother. It is a very complicated situation mainly caused by my mother's self-centred, immature brother and his equally so ex-wife. My DM's niece and nephew came to live with my when they were 10 and 11 years old and although my one (male) cousin went to live with his father and new wife when he was about 14, my other (female) cousin has remained with my parents, she is now 19. My mum's live is further complicated by caring for both her and my dad's mothers (at least try are still largely self-sufficient, althogh my dad's mum is a bitch)

It is a really difficult situation as it was never a 'legal' arrangement and my parents have received no financial support from the children's parents. They are also not seen as 'parents' by either the children or their useless selfish parents. However, my mum (who is not he most maternal of women) has recently told me she would not have it any over way as she could not sit back and watch tue children be neglected and uncared for.

It is a very personal decision though. And one only the 2 of you can make.

My parents were lucky in a way that their own children had left home by the time they took these 2 in, so here was no feel gs of jealousy form Our/their side.

upahill · 16/03/2011 17:14

Depends on many things.

I offered to take my DH nephew in when he was out of control some years back. He was joy riding,aiding and abetting and all sorts of stuff that I don't know about,
He lived in the other side of the country to us and his parents are useless,

DH said no for many reasons some of which were that
our two boys were younger then (about 7 and 10) and DH thought that the nephew (who was about 17 then ) was not used to living by rules,pleased himself if he went to school, had a crininal record and so on and it would cause a bad influence on our family.

I reluctantly had to agree.

MummyBerryJuice · 16/03/2011 17:17

Also I think it is easy to underestimate the emotional and psychological impact living with people other than your parents can have on the child. Although my cousin is much better care for (in all aspects) by my parents the rejection she has experience from her own is vast and she has no self esteem whatsoever.

ihatecbeebies · 08/04/2011 02:48

I had a bit of a hard time when I was young, at 15 mother was an alcoholic with a lot of problems and a string of awful boyfriends, the house was quite a difficult place to live in at times so my aunt volunteered for me to come and live with her, she already had two children of her own, one of which was chronically ill and needed a lot of attention and she was a single parent with no help from the ex either but she still insisted on me going to stay with her. I have so much love and respect for her for doing that, every persons situation is different but my aunt made such a positive impact on my life by doing that and it's something I'll never forget.

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