DD's mate's mum out all night again

[Jux]

leaving her daughter (dd's mate) alone at home - all night.

On previous occasions this has happened it's been on a Friday or a Saturday or both and we have had her (not that we were asked).

Last week, after 2 w/e on the trot where the girl stayed both nights, it left dd so exhausted that she could hardly stay awake at school, hardly get up in the morning and left her so run down that by Wednesday she was down with a cold and ended up missing 2 days of school.

Having got her rested this w/e and ready for school tomorrow, her friend came round for lunch today and has just told me her mum will be out this evening and will be staying at her boyfriend's tonight. Leaving the child alone again.

She is 12 (just) - y7. She apparently gets spooked and scared on her own at home.

I have thought before that the girls were trying it on. However, I have no way of knowing. I don't know the mum at all though I would recognise her if I saw her.

DD must get back on top of things. Her school days are much longer than her friend's - they go to different schools - and she gets so knackered. It's a really bad idea to let her start the week like this.

I just don't know what to do. DH is dozing and I can't get his attention, though earlier we had agreed that if we were asked we would say no with no argument.

Would you assume that said child's mum knows best whether it's OK to leave her dd at home alone or not? I've suggested phoning her mum and talking to her direct, but the girl said she'd text her. Though she is apparently at her bloke's in village we know usually doesn't get a signal, or only very rarely.

I'd call social services or the police. She's far too young to be left alone overnight. Have you called her mum to check though? Child may prefer your home to her own.

I would speak to her mum tbh, she might be exagerating about her being out all night, I wouldn't just take her word for it

I'd speak to this girls' mother directly. You are not responsible for her child, so if it's affecting your daughter/family life at weekends you need to get to the bottom of this.

It is NOT okay to leave a 12 year old
overnight by herself. I also think it's odd that the mother hasn't spoken to you considering her daughter spends so much time with you.

Report her to NSPCC?

Can you phone the mum and explain that it isn't possible for her DD to stay over this evening? Then see what she says. You'll find out if the girls are having you on too.

12 is definitely way too young to be left home alone. But the girl is not your responsibility so you shouldn't have to have her every weekend.

If mum still says she is staying on her own I think you need to consider taking it further.

Well, thank you. Ithought the panic was over as after threatening to call her mum (empty threat, I don'thave her number) child got a call from her mum saying said mum was on her way home. So we send child home.

However, 3minutes ago we get another call from child saying her mum has just called again and is not coming home.

What happens if we call SS? Will they go in now and make sure she's not left alone? I've been through scraps of paper with numbers on, tried one which I think was for the mum, but it's not available at the moment. Could be because she's in a bad signal area, or the phone's off, or the number's bad.

Bugger.

SS can't do anything and will call the police. If you call the police then they will go round then contact the duty social worker if action is needed. You're best off calling the police. They will go to the house and check she's not alone. If she is then it's likely that she'll be taken into care.

Well, dh rang her, the child, to ask her if she would like us to oontact SS on her behalf, not threateningly, but kindly, sort of paternalistically iyswim. I didn't witness the conversation, but the upshot was that her elder brother had got home, roaring drunk, thrown up all over the place and her mum was coming. As far as she was concerned, she was OK because she was no longer alone.

I now have no idea what to think or do, as it could as easily be true as not. She could simply have said all that to stop dh talking about SS.

I do now know where her mum works, and will pay a visit tomorrow.

God, poor child. The NSPCC have a helpline, maybe you could call them for advice? This sounds like neglect to me though and ss need to be involved.

That is shocking. I am clearly sheltered in my life.
I do wonder though why your DD is so tired after the other girl stays. Do they stay up all night talking? Mine is not yet 10 so I have no experience of that age.
Well done you for doing something.

kreecher, yes they do. Also the other child tends to sleep badly and will wake dd throughout the night.

In fact, the mum rang us just as dd was gearing up for bed; dd got the phone, had a quick chat and hung up. Apparently, the mum was home and the brother had been home all the time.

I'm going to wander down to her work at some point today, ask her if I can buy her a coffee, and try to talk it all through. It is really unclear what is going on and who is making things up etc. The call, when dd relayed it, sounded like an attempt at damage limitation. I can only assume that the mum is not lying, so I have some apologising to do.

At the very least, we have to have some contact with her when her dd comes round and starts angling to stay the night.

Rather you than me. It all sounds very curious.

"I can only assume that the mum is not lying, so I have some apologising to do." - although if that is the case and I were the other mum, I would be grateful to you (after hearing your side of the story) that you were worried enough about my child to investigate further.

Sounds like you are going about this in the right way. Good luck.

I know maryz; but it is also possible that the girls cooked up the entire thing in order to wangle sleep-overs, which dd knows are not really allowed during term time (and certainly not on school nights).

I won't know until I've spoken to the mum. TBH the thing that scares me most atm, is the mum will be really really angry with me and refuse to speak to me at all.

I saw that thread but didn't open it! It does at least give me some 'legal' ammunition if the scenario is as the child says and justifies our actions a bit.

I am taking coward's way out because the weather's so horrid, I walk v slowly and will get v wet and cold wandering down to her workplace. I want to text to the number I tried last night, which may or may not be hers.

How does this sound:

Hi, am hoping this is the no. for X's mum. Really sorry about last night. Can I take you for coffee so we can sort out between us what to do when the kids start saying things, and so I can apologise properly? Thanks. Jux

I want to be conciliatory.

BTW, I agree with most people on that thread. One of the things I have been juggling in my brainw itht his situation is that some kids are perfectly OK if they're left alone. DD wouldn't be, but doesn't mean no other kids would. Parents know their own kids best, and all that.

It is perfectly possible the woman sees us as interfering judgemental twats, and she could be quite right. (That's another reason I'm avoiding face to face as first contact, coward that I am.)

Er, don't be too apologetic, actually. She has been happy to let her daughter stay overnight at the home of people she has never met or much communicated with. Even if not left alone all night it does sound as though the mother may have been leaving her daughter home unsupervised regularly in the evenings. The other mother is not exactly on the moral high ground.

Thanks. I've made it a little less apologetic and sent it. Cross fingers for me!

glug glug glug......

That's a good text - will cross fingers for you.

You say earlier on that some kids would alright alone and others wouldn't - but from your OP I'd say that little girl wouldn't be alright on her own as she told you that she is scared on her own and gets spooked?

Agree that it'll be easier to judge who may be lying if you speak to the mum directly and see her reaction.