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Original poster

DD's mate's mum out all night again

51 replies

Jux · 06/02/2011 18:58

leaving her daughter (dd's mate) alone at home - all night.

On previous occasions this has happened it's been on a Friday or a Saturday or both and we have had her (not that we were asked).

Last week, after 2 w/e on the trot where the girl stayed both nights, it left dd so exhausted that she could hardly stay awake at school, hardly get up in the morning and left her so run down that by Wednesday she was down with a cold and ended up missing 2 days of school.

Having got her rested this w/e and ready for school tomorrow, her friend came round for lunch today and has just told me her mum will be out this evening and will be staying at her boyfriend's tonight. Leaving the child alone again.

She is 12 (just) - y7. She apparently gets spooked and scared on her own at home.

I have thought before that the girls were trying it on. However, I have no way of knowing. I don't know the mum at all though I would recognise her if I saw her.

DD must get back on top of things. Her school days are much longer than her friend's - they go to different schools - and she gets so knackered. It's a really bad idea to let her start the week like this.

I just don't know what to do. DH is dozing and I can't get his attention, though earlier we had agreed that if we were asked we would say no with no argument.

Would you assume that said child's mum knows best whether it's OK to leave her dd at home alone or not? I've suggested phoning her mum and talking to her direct, but the girl said she'd text her. Though she is apparently at her bloke's in village we know usually doesn't get a signal, or only very rarely.

OP posts:
CarolinaRua · 07/02/2011 12:14

I think people are far to quick to involve social services and potentially destroy someones home life.

I was left alone aged 12 minding my 2 younger brothers when my mother went out (not all night though) I coped fine but was a bit nervy. Once a week my mother went to a friends house (group of about 10 friends still do it now in their 60's) and stayed until 2ish and got very tipsy. Every day a homemade dinner was on the table, the house was clean and clothes were washed (despite my mother working full time)
My point is dont be so quick to judge when you dont have the full story

Original poster
Jux · 07/02/2011 19:19

I've had a reply. It is simply "yeah ok". At least I know the number's right.

CarolineRua, I know, and you're right. I too was left at home with my brothers for the evening at less than 12 on a regular basis; my big bro would be in charge and we were all fine. That was a different age though, things are different now, and you can see that lots of people don't think 12 is old enough, particularly as the girl gets scared. There is another difference too - the child was supposedly going to be left ALL NIGHT.

I suspected that this was a ploy to get a sleepover, but there's still the tiniest possibility that it was true. Would you take the chance?

It got a bit out of hand last night because we were getting different stories every half hour.

I was trying not to judge but the fact that we couldn't get hold of her mum at all was making it difficult to verify the story and this has always been the case. We have never been able to talk to her mum. Whenever I've tried to use that number (which is the right one I now know) the phone's been unavailable, and in spite of asking dd's friend if I can have a word with her mum, I've never been able to. She and her dd seem to communicate entirely by text. She'll text her daughter to say she's outside in the car with her overnight stuff, the girl goes outside and gets it. I don't even know until the girl comes in with it.

I wouldn't be at all surprised to find that dd and her friend cooked up the entire thing; but I do want to talk to the mum to make sure that we can get hold of her when/if her dd is proposing to stay the night.

OP posts:
belledechocchipcookie · 07/02/2011 19:40

That's worrying Jux. Have you actually met her mother?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
thisisyesterday · 07/02/2011 19:51

I think you're doing the right thing by talking to the mum, ensuring you have contact details etc

I used to have a friend at school, around the same age actually, who told similar stories and they were all lies. I think she didn't get that much attention at home and wanted a family to look after her so she would make all this stuff up in order to stay at other people's houses

it's sad either way really. just stay open-minded about who is saying/doing what and I am sure it'll work out ok

do update us

Original poster
Jux · 07/02/2011 21:27

Belledechoc, no I haven't really. I've seen her, I know who she is but that's it.

The family have a reputation iyswim. I have no idea how much is true and how much is gossip. The mum looks rough, but that doesn't mean she is. DD's mate's older sister apparently has an ASBO, one of the brothers has been kicked out due to his increasing violence (breaking doors, holing walls etc not to mention violence against people), and the other brother would appear to be a drunk. I DO NOT KNOW WHETHER ANY OF THIS IS TRUE; but of course, I can't help it having some influence on me though I am struggling to keep my mind open.

Girl's dad not around, but she was living with him for about 6m (though rumour here had her whisked away by SS). Her dad sent her back to her mum because his wife didn't want her around. Apparently.

I have sent another text suggesting a place and asking for time/day. Hoping she'll say tomorrow so I can get it over with.

OP posts:
belledechocchipcookie · 07/02/2011 21:30

God, poor child. She probably feels wanted when she's at your house.

You could mention something to the school nurse. It would be confidential and if the poor lass is already known to her it could help? You can ask her to call you via the school office, you don't have to say what it's regarding.

Original poster
Jux · 07/02/2011 21:40

Well, I need to tread fairly carefully for now. I really have no way of knowing how much of this is true. It may all be made up stories so the girls have some drama in their lives. I have to hang on to that.

I doubt I'll have any way of knowing whether the mum lies to me or not. I'll have to wait and see.

Will update.

OP posts:
belledechocchipcookie · 07/02/2011 21:44

If the family are known to social services she'll know.

I hope all works out OK.

FudgeGirl · 07/02/2011 21:49

Just wondering, what has your DD said? Have you sat down and had it out with her to see if they made up this story last weekend?

Or if DD suspects her friend is fibbing at all?

I would have thought that would have been the best place to start.

ninah · 07/02/2011 21:55

you sound lovely jux Smile

SecondMrsS · 07/02/2011 21:56

I can see why you think the text and coffee chat is a good idea but with respect, you are not qualified to decide if the mother is telling the truth or not from a breif meeting. I'd contact SS myself...

maryz · 07/02/2011 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FudgeGirl · 07/02/2011 22:19

Totally agree with Maryz and won't be flaming :)

I'm at a bit of a loss really as to why you haven't spoken to your daughter about this, specifically as it sounds like you suspect there is a possibility that the girls cooked this up between them.

Original poster
Jux · 08/02/2011 09:10

I have spoken to dd about this. She maintains that she believed unquestioningly what her friend was saying.

I don't know if there is SS involvement iwth the family. That was a rumour but I have no verification - why should I? It's not like SS are going to inform me, it's none of my business.

I had suggested a venue but got a text this morning from the child saying her mum didn't like that place and suggesting another, to which I agreed. I don't care where we meet so long as it's not too long a walk. I'm just waiting to find out when now.

As for leaving dh with the girls, well I take your point and thanks for making it. I hadn't thought of it. Truth is, it's unlikely dh would ever be alone with her. I'm the one who gets left at home minding the kids!

OP posts:
Original poster
Jux · 08/02/2011 09:18

Thanks ninah Smile

SecondMrsS, I know I'm not. I'm just hoping to get something sorted out for the next time, so I can call her to let her know that we aren't able to have her daughter overnight or whatever.

Also so she knows what her daughter has been saying. Also, I would like to apologise for my mentioning calling SS, which I had had no real intention of doing. Looking back, I don't really know why I said it. It was stupid.

OP posts:
SecondMrsS · 08/02/2011 09:29

I don't think it was stupid, youre just caring. and it sounds like this little girl needs it!

scurryfunge · 08/02/2011 09:42

Jux, it was not stupid to mention it. It was sensible and tbh I would still make a referral. Ignore comments about SS "destroying home lives". It is really not the case. You have concerns about the child's welfare and that needs checking.

maryz · 08/02/2011 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Jux · 08/02/2011 21:21

I thought I was organising everything with the mum. Then I got a text saying it was the girl's phone and giving me a number for her mum. I haven't contacted her as I've been running about all day and the cat dislocated his hip or something and had to get him to the vet blah blah blah. I know children are more important than animals, but I couldn't leave the soppy moggy limping like that. Time overtook me and it's too late now for today. Sorry to keep you all hanging on Blush

OP posts:
maryz · 08/02/2011 21:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

solooovely · 12/02/2011 09:06

What happened?

BrokenBananaTantrum · 15/02/2011 12:35

so what happened then?

Original poster
Jux · 24/02/2011 00:57

Sorry, got hijacked by other things. Nothing has happened. I have failed miserably in my attempts to get hold on the mum.

Last w/e the girl came round at dd's invitation. Stayed Friday night. She and dd importuning for her to stay Saturday night as well, when dh and I had both said no and that she had to go home at 6. At 6.30 I became very firm and said she had to go home now. Then she said that her mum was out down the pub, would be out until at lest 3am and that a 'babysitter' had been arranged but she was nasty and hit her. I happen to know the nasty babysitter, who is a sweet girl who wouldn't hurt a fly. I sent the friend home.

Still haven't got hold of the mum.Sad I do think it's all exaggerated so the girls can have sleep-overs. I would still like to get a clearer picture from the mum. One day.

OP posts:
BrokenBananaTantrum · 28/02/2011 13:06

well if you do make sure you give us an update. :)

shaz298 · 14/03/2011 14:21

HI Jux,

What a difficult position you are in. There are acouple of things which are standing out for me here:

  1. I would still contact SS. If there isn't any form of neglect then that will come out. If there is then the little girl will hopefully get the help and suport she needs while mum gets a kick up the bum.
  1. If the little girl is making things up about her family life then that in itself is a concern and also really makes your family vulnerable - what is she saying about you when you are not around???

TBH I think that if you do contact SS or go via School Nurse then your own concience (sp?) is clear and potentialy you are helping a little girl in need.

Even if nothing she says is true, I'd say that she is still a little girl in need if she feels she needs to be making up these things.

Hugs to you and good on you for caring. Child protection is everybody'd responsibility. xx