Ex BF's father's funeral - do I go? All about politics!

[HildaVonCrapp]

Having a quandary. Ex bf's fathers funeral today. Was very close to both his parents when we dated (about 24 years ago) and used to see both of them about regularly after we split up. Went to his mother's funeral 13 years ago and was completely embarrassed to be scooped up by his family and welcomed as if I were a long lost relative. They insisted I go back to the wake as deceased loved me like a daughter and would have wanted me to. Felt very uncomfortable as ex's new gf was there and more or less ignored by all. I did speak to her and she was lovely about it but it didnt feel right to me.

She is now married to ex, they have kids etc. It was her who contacted me to inform me her FIL had passed away (on friday afternoon). I emailed her back to say sorry and said I would like to attend the church service but didn't want to impose. She emailed back with details of church and crem times.

I have spoken to a couple of people who have differing views as to whether I should go. There is no danger I will be dragged back to the wake as I am older and wiser but I feel I should perhaps let them grieve without the ghost of an ex being in the background. On the flip side his wife didnt have to let me know.

Help? Funeral in two hours?!

Go. You may meats regret it if you don't.

I would go. I think the fact that your ex's wife contacted you (and then went on to give details of the funeral) suggests that neither she nor her DH has a problem with you attending.

I think the fact the gf let you know implies that it would be fine for you to go. If anyone didn't want you there she wouldn't have let you know that he'd passed away. You must have still been important for them to have remebered to tell you.

If you want to go, then go. Your ex's wife has made it possible by giving you all the info.

Go. You obviously want to being that you were close, and will probably regret it if you dont

The fact that your ex's new wife has contacted you and also emailed details of arrangements, means that you are more than welcome to attend.

Doesnt matter what other people think. Do as you feel best, but it's obvious to me that you would be welcomed.

Go. You obviously want to being that you were close, and will probably regret it if you dont

The fact that your ex's new wife has contacted you and also emailed details of arrangements, means that you are more than welcome to attend.

Doesnt matter what other people think. Do as you feel best, but it's obvious to me that you would be welcomed.

Ditto above.

No decision to make really.

Go. You are showing your respect to someone you were close to. I'm sure your ex will appreciate that you felt strongly enough about his late father all these years later to attend. Wife obviously fine with it, why shouldn't sge be? She's his wife after all.

She has sent you the details which I don't think she would have done is you were not wanted.

If you want to go, then do so but just slip in at theback and leave quickly at the end.

Thanks all. Of course you are right, I want to go and ex's OH would not have sent details had it been a problem.

Been thrown into quandary by the opinions of a couple for whom perhaps it would be a problem.

starfishmummy that is exactly what i will do.

Thanks again

So, I went to the funeral. Emotional service, both ex and his wife acknowledged and smiled (as best you can at a time like that) and I am glad I went. Thanks for advice all.

But there is a further tale.

I slipped in at the back and sat quietly for a few moments to look up and see my ex MIL (lay preacher) walking up the aisle and I realised she was taking the service (although I was under the impression that ill health prevented her from doing so). I acknowledged her (long time ex MIL - 10 years, we have no axe to grind) and she sneered and carried on walking. She did speak to others.

Ex MIL outside the church and I say, "Hello X, how are you?" She grunted (really, no more) and I ask if she is taking the service at the crem (steep hill, given her health it wouldn't be a surprise if she wasn't so not a stupid question) and if she needed a lift, by which time she is focusing up towards the church gate (no one behind me) and is blanking me. I said goodbye (no response) and left.

Now once I could be wrong but two very obvious slights - definitely not.

Clearly I was there to pay my respects both to the deceased and his family and she was aware of the attachment. I feel she behaved rather insensitively and, given she was preaching the word of God and was in a church, rather unChristian. It has all left me feeling rather upset.

Please slap me round the head metaphorically and tell me to get things in perspective?!

Ah I was right she was pissed at me! I have just spoken to my ex and he gave me the low down!

Ex BF's OH - the one who emailed me and appeared not to have a problem (as we all thought) actually does. She told ex MIL that I make her feel shabby and shoddy and she is completely intimidated and ex MIL felt sorry for her. Still no excuse for MIL's behaviour but goes some way to explaining it! Ho hum! Village life. One thing to your face and another behind your back!

Not sure I did the right in going now, last thing I wanted was for her to feel like that today. Oh piss boo Poor deceased would be so upset too

That is so unfair on you.

The wife shouldn't have contacted you if she didn't want you to go.

And your ex MIL should start practising what she preaches - literally!!!

Hope the rest of your day improves.

On reflection, I am guessing the wife had little choice ajandjjmum. It would have looked bad on her and it seems it matters to her what people think.

But I did email back and ask if it was ok to go to the funeral as I didn't want to impose and that really was her opportunity to say bugger off!

I don't know, thought I was doing the decent thing by giving a shit. Feel very sad about it as today was about saying farewell to a lovely man and it has become tarnished

Don't worry too much, not worth losing sleep over.

You did what you felt was best and acted upon our advice and the fact you were given the details.

I don't think it's you that has the problem. You paid your respects to someone you were once close to. Time to close the book now, I think.

Thanks goingforit, thanks everyone actually.

You are right it is time to close the book. Nothing I can do to change it now.

Onwards and upwards! Or something!

Do go, why not? You don't have to stay long if you don't want to.

My son's ex girlfriend was at my husband's funeral and the father of the girlfriend he went out with from school was there too (she was abroad). If there's no animosity and you're friendly, t would be nice for you to go. You're all big adults now.

ZOMBIE THREAD!

Evening, everyone. This thread was reanimated by a troll and it looks like the OP's situation is resolved. We're going to close the thread to new posts now so that no one else responds accidentally.