I walked away from it all, and then walked back

[TuneInTuneOut]

At 40 I resigned from my well paid job and decided to live my life prioritising happiness and wellbeing. 3 years later I returned to the rat race, disillusioned and poorer. AMA.

Im not sure this is of interest to anyone, but I’d certainly be interested in advice!

@Soldierwam I couldn't bring myself to charge the going rate, and I also hate selling myself / marketing.

The marketing yourself stuff seems like a real soul destroyer. This is why I love having a boring salaried job. My time outside of work is my own and I don’t have to promote or share anything I do.

Agree, having to 'sell' myself to get work sounds soul destroying and such a lot of pressure. My salaried role is stressful but at least I get paid every month regardless! I occasionally look at linked in and quickly leave, happy in the knowledge I don't need to engage in that world!

I am out of the rat race but I still get panicky moments about the future but I had to leave as I was getting burnt out to the point of physical exhaustion... but I think I have a lot of adrenaline in general as part of my general physical constitution so I think my body stepped in to tell me 'no' as I was somehow managing the mental stress. I was just wondering if you also had a sense of 'no more' strongly felt physically and mentally as you mentioned general 'unhappiness' but no specifics.

I don't think we have enough words in English to talk about these kinds of things - unhappiness I find quite vague - but I think I get 'existential crisis' and I get what you mean about the futility of the way some organisations/ roles work. I met up with a friend who was a colleague, he moved to a different city years ago and did a similar role, we were reminiscing about our old workplace and both tentatively came to the conclusion it was 'toxic and traumatic' - we're not generally drama queens and we both are straight with each other - so that was kind of a relief and helped me realise it wasn't just me as I tend to blame myself a fair bit.

You sound like you approached 'getting out' from a very rational perspective 'the science of happiness' - do you think you could have taken a different approach? You mention spending time with loved ones, enjoying nature and hugs from your niece - I know what you mean, though sadly I have no nieces / nephews/ children - but I feel way more in tune with my environment and I've got way more head space to really enjoy the moment and time with my partner and my mum. Am very grateful for this. But I still feel a bit restless and searching for my 'own thing.' - I do help people still with some transferable skills from my work, and part of me feels I'm ingrained to be a bit of a people pleaser, so have taken a step back apart from a very small group of people. But it sounds the opposite of your prior situation where much of it was isolating. I know you're more looking for advice so don't know if sharing a few thoughts on my experience helps at all.

@PoliteRaven thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I do have a dis-regulated nervous system, and it does have physical symptoms. Some of my experiences during the period I'm describing on this thread definitely affect me today and not in a good way.

I am not a People Pleaser, but both my DP and best friend definitely are. I think it looks difficult.

The restless and still searching both strike a chord.

This has been a very interesting thread OP, thanks for starting it. I can resonate a bit with some of what you say, I took a sabbatical from work to try and work through some of my 'unhappiness'. Although not as long a period as you took out of your work I quickly realised that while I was a bit more free with I time and could travel I was getting no happier, in fact at times I got a lot worse. I was trying to look for something that clicked, a place, a thing, an interest that just felt like...well...happiness, but it didn't come. As a pp said I was looking for something external to give me a sense of purpose and I just don't think its how we work. Internal happiness is the thing that matters

The baseline of happiness is an interesting thought too, I don't feel I've ever been a massively happy person, I have moments and I have definitely felt more grounded and content than I do now but that feeling of joy in the little things has eluded me somewhat. I think I'm also prone to overthinking and have quite a literal and realist look on a lot of things, societal 'norms' and expectations leave me a little cold and baffled sometimes. I'm also childless but have neices and nephews, I don't regret not having children but I do wonder if not having them is the reason for my feelings, my lack of purpose and feeling my life should have a bit more meaning. I have just started on ADs so I'm hoping a bit of my malaise will ease soon, we'll see

Anyway to echo others I do think you're brave to have taken this chance on yourself, I was also told the same thing and I also feel like a bit of a failure, but we're not. We took a punt and it didn't quite pay off, look at the good things that came of it and move forward, thats all we can do ❤

So, so much of what you wrote resonated with me @Thebutterflyslovemybush . Thank you for taking the time to write it all out. Would you mind sharing how you're finding the antidepressants? (I'm not sure I feel I'm depressed. I think I'm actually having a very natural reaction to the situation of human existence!).

Of course and you're welcome. I have only just started on them, Sertraline, a week ago so it'll be another few weeks before I know if they're doing anything for me.

And I get what you say about the situation of human existence too, the way society is and how we interact with eachother has gone so impersonal nowadays (the irony is not lost on me) I don't know how we can expect anything other than so many people with mental health issues. Not to mention the conflict and hatred that surrounds us everywhere we turn, we have to look really hard to find the good and joyful that it's easy to miss, and we're slightly predisposed to a negative then it's even harder

I'm not sure I feel I'm depressed. I think I'm actually having a very natural reaction to the situation of human existence!

This is what I think (and have said) when I’m depressed. There is a school of thought that basically says depressed people are indeed seeing life the world much more accurately and it’s everyone else who has rose tinted spectacles on.

What I will say is that I take ADs for depression and anxiety and they help - with everything from the overthinking to the bleak outlook. I have tried Sertraline, which worked well, but after coming off it and then crashing again I asked to try Citalopram, which I personally prefer, but I think Sertraline is what doctors suggest first.

That all said, if you are functioning (I wasn’t) and can find joy in things, sometimes, then I’d possibly try to manage without ADs.

Yet, to flip back the other way again, life is too short to be perpetually meh at best. So you could give them ago and see if they help. Nothing says you have to take them forever.

You sound pretty amazing to me , financially independent at 16 !
You have clearly experienced lots in your life so far and you took a leap of faith , that's a lot more than most would do.
Don't think of yourself as a failure, you absolutely are not ! what you have written is actually quite inspiring , i feel slightly envious of your sense of adventure and your bravery.😊

I am completely overwhelmed by the kindness of strangers tonight. Thank you all 🙏.

Exactly.

I am seriously thinking of leaving my job this year. I’m currently 0.8 and 54 if I do one more year I would just be able to take my pension but I’m thinking of going to this year in September next year and having a year off. A gap year my husband calls it, and not doing anything but the garden, reading and allotment. I am nervous but a recent inheritance means it is very doable.

Definitely not a failure or a coward. You tried something that many can only dream of trying. It didn't work out as you had hoped but blimey well done for trying, and recognising it wasn't ultimately making you happy.

What support do you think might have helped you make a go of your ventures? I think you are very courageous and that there’s an awful lot of entrepreneurial potential out there in people who aren’t sufficiently supported to fulfil it.

Really sorry to hear your health is still being affected now, too💐

The weird thing is, I can be direct and assertive and have a strong will but I think sometimes I have an automated 'nice' response that might come from a place of fear as well as just being a general trait. I also have come to realise the restless part with me is part genetic I'm sure, from my father.

I also think I adopted a quite an analytical response to life early on as a 'coping mechanism'. Wondered if that strikes a chord as you mentioned really looking into the science of happiness. Yoga and mindfulness I find helpful.

When I quit, I also thought of something I could try to develop but it would involve 'selling myself' - and I was too scared to try and I also would probably not charge enough (think I get that genetically from my father too!)

@Thebutterflyslovemybush

". I'm also childless but have neices and nephews, I don't regret not having children but I do wonder if not having them is the reason for my feelings, my lack of purpose and feeling my life should have a bit more meaning. "

I remember some days when I was hacked off with my job thinking I would probably feel differently if I was doing it to support a family - it would make it tolerable and give it meaning.

"As a pp said I was looking for something external to give me a sense of purpose and I just don't think its how we work. Internal happiness is the thing that matters"

Bringing together these two points, I've come to the opinion that in our society we haven't really cottoned on to how much it's changed by stealth, the extended family has all but gone and with it a feeling of security and comfort. And the generations are kind of silo'd off. We're in an individualistic society, I don't mean that as a pejorative but more that - those of us who are 'off script' so to speak, really do have to find our own compass and build things up from scratch if that makes sense, it's good to have freedom with your time but 'with freedom comes responsibility' - it's like the buck totally stops with you.

I'm not getting depressed vibes from anything you've said, nor how you've expressed yourself.

I also think it's great you tried something different, good for you!

As an aside whereabouts in Lincs were/are you, and how did you find it?

I agree. Notwithstanding those that are NC with children for whatever reason, most people I'm sure think that if something happens to them and they can't make decisions for themselves or need some kind of care, that their children will at least sort something out. When you're childless there is that extra niggle in the back of your mind that whispers, what if?....I'd like to think my neices might, but I'm not their responsibility.

I've digressed slightly into the final stages of life, I get you were more on about the here and now. It will be interesting though, as it seems more people are choosing child free life and even single life, whether society will change to a bit more of a 'chosen' extended family, a commune of sorts if you like, rather than isolated individuals feeling lost in their lives

So OP, I think I am happier now than at 40. I would not say I'm 'happy' with a capital H, but when I was 40 I was single and childless, then I met my now husband and had children. I would say that I'm probably 'happier' now that I "get up every day and go through the motions of taking the kids to school, going to work, going out to do the big shop... day in. day out." than I was at 40. Though I am not really happy, I think it's just that I have a purpose, and a (very important) reason to get up every day and do the same shit. So maybe more just a feeling of fulfillment/reason to live, if that makes sense.
By the way, you are welcome to come for weekends in the countryside at my house to help me with my teenage daughters, as I think you sound like you'd be great with them, better than me!

@Thebutterflyslovemybush

"whether society will change to a bit more of a 'chosen' extended family, a commune of sorts if you like, rather than isolated individuals feeling lost in their lives"

I read an article about this a few years back, though it was an American journal - that people are starting to form households that are not familial.. of course it helps over there that they have big houses unlike here in the UK!

As you said earlier, life is getting even more impersonal yet maybe worth noting the philosopher who came up with the concept of anomie was writing in the C19th, I think the isolation that came from industrialisation and smaller households in an increasing population etc But I read somewhere that one in seven people were prescribed antidepressants in 2024 - clearly modernity is having a massive impact on people's wellbeing.