I walked away from it all, and then walked back

[TuneInTuneOut]

At 40 I resigned from my well paid job and decided to live my life prioritising happiness and wellbeing. 3 years later I returned to the rat race, disillusioned and poorer. AMA.

Im not sure this is of interest to anyone, but I’d certainly be interested in advice!

I don’t really have anything to ask, but thanks for this thread as someone who also walked away from a “good” career and navigating the loss of identity there’s a lot that’s resonating with me.

There’s a line in Girl, Woman, Other along the lines of “life’s about trying on different things like outfits, to see which one fits”, and I think that keeps me going, realising it’s not failure to step back from things you believe in the moment aren’t making you happy, and equally going back to something with fresh eyes doesn’t mean it was a mistake to leave in the first place.

I admire you enormously. I'm actually quite in awe of you for two reasons - that you were brave enough to make the leap, and both wise and self-aware enough to realise that pivoting back would be to your advantage.

You are not a failure at all! You tried something you'd always regret not doing, you learned a lot about yourself, and you were humble enough to adapt and shift gears when you need to.

It's a win/win. Brava!

I think you sound like a lovely person with courage to boot. I also think too much and I think it can give way to melancholia, although I have suffered more from anxiety in my life and am now on sertraline for that. Game changer. I read (and agree) that our weaknesses are actually overused strengths. I dont wish I was different now...just try to catch myself before my tipping point. Easier said than done!

My question is did you sleep better? Did you feel more socially connected? Did you manage to do more of the things you enjoy? Did your overthinking get any better?

Well, this thread is a bit of a revelation. I'd thought about starting it a few times over the last week and I'm so glad I did. Everyone has given me an awful lot to think about.

@EmeraldRoulette I feel like a coward because I didn't go the full hog. For example, I would have loved to move up North or teach abroad or go off living in a camper van. I just kind of wimped out.

I don’t really have anything to ask, but thanks for this thread as someone who also walked away from a “good” career and navigating the loss of identity there’s a lot that’s resonating with me Yes, I'd forgotten about the identity side of it. That was really hard, and it's a blessing of my current situation I'd not thought about. Thank you .

You are not a failure at all! You tried something you'd always regret not doing, you learned a lot about yourself, and you were humble enough to adapt and shift gears when you need to. I've read so many lovely words in this thread. They are just what I need to read write now. I'm currently contemplating a house-move but where I want to move is not right for DP to live full time so I'm having to think, "do I play it safe or do I go it alone?". I think I'm going to give it a go. Will book a couple of viewings for next week.

My question is did you sleep better? Did you feel more socially connected? Did you manage to do more of the things you enjoy? Did your overthinking get any better?

The initial relief was great, when I handed in my resignation. And actually, I'd gone down to a 2.5 day week (I'd forgotten that bit). So finally cutting the apron strings felt great. I cringe now, because I think it was a mistake, with hindsight. The freedom felt great. I had so many plans and ideas I wanted to try and that was exciting. It felt good making time for the gym, meditation classes, long walks, sorting out an allotment...
Socially I felt very connected to the community when I ran my voluntary projects as they were community-based. I still have friendships from that time. However, it was mostly people at a different age/stage of life.
I think that the overthinking did get better as I was able to live a slower more mindful life.

do you think you would have been happy if you had managed to find a income? It sounds to me like you have the kind of brain that struggles to be contented, and that maybe you will always be looking for something else. The way you describe your neighbours’ lives as baffling is interesting to me, you might be surprised to find that taking my kids to school is one of my favourite things to do. I find a huge amount of joy in the small, every day things as well as the big adventures.
I read somewhere that our brains have a level of happiness or contentment and that unless something huge happens, they will always reset to the same level.

@Thingsthatgo I've read that too. I think that there's some well-referenced research that found a year after winning the lottery or becoming paralysed people's happiness had pretty much reset to similar levels. I think we do have a baseline.

Maybe I do struggle to experience contentment, that certainly does feel familiar to me. I think my body is nearly always hyperalert, hypervigilant. Perhaps my brain is too. I do rely heavily on meditation to be in a functioning state.

Re. the neighbours, I'm remembering sitting at my office desk, at the window and seeing the harassed, stressed unhappy looking neighbours doing the same thing day-in, day-out. Looking so miserable. (I'm not thinking of my lovely neighbour who had three children under 5 and a puppy and yet always so calm and peaceful on her way to the shops or doing the nursery run!).

Glad you posted this have found it interesting to read. I echo the other posters that I think it was a brave move and don’t think you’ve been cowardly at all. It takes courage to step back or stop doing something sometimes instead of ploughing on due to pride or sunk cost fallacy. But also what is it you’re searching for? And (aware this sounds trite) but are you looking for something external that actually could be found within?

Have you kept any elements of the slower life that you enjoyed?

Do you feel pressure - from yourself or others - as a childfree person that you should have a big or interesting life?

Who do you most admire?

What’s for breakfast?

With your neighbours, some people are stressed and miserable all the time but I’d guess it’s more likely they might’ve just been unhappy or stressed in that moment. You’re only seeing small glimpses of their day.

Some things are just necessary whether they bring joy or not - waiting for the bus, cleaning the toilet, food shopping. If you only see them for the boring stuff it’s like the opposite to seeing someone’s instagram highlights where they seemingly have the best life ever!

You remind me of my sister. She runs and runs after happiness and never quite seems to find it, not for the long term. Like you she is an overthinker, and a very intelligent person: she’s always believed that she can somehow think or plan her way out of unhappiness. Like you, she had lots of therapy at one point, started an OU psychology course etc. She has GAD, takes medication for it and probably will on and off all her life. She has recently made some massive changes in her life - retired from work aged 50, moved to the countryside with her wealthy partner, thrown herself into gardening etc. That was a year ago, and I can already see her ‘happiness’ level starting to ebb as she returns to her baseline of questioning what it’s all about, what’s the point, why aren’t I ‘happier’?

You said upthread that you recognised the futility of turning to externalities for happiness. Yet that’s exactly what you did - you swapped one set of externalities for another, in the expectation that they would bring you happiness where the previous ones had not. Jobs, hobbies, exercise, voluntary work, homes, gardens etc - they are all externalities. The whole point of Stoicism is living well whatever circumstances you find yourself in. And they didn’t pursue happiness in the modern sense of ‘feeling good’. For the stoics living a virtuous life that is in tune with your values is reward in itself. ‘Feeling good’ or feeling pleasure isn’t the aim. I’m a bit suspicious of ‘happiness’ as a goal tbh, I don’t believe it’s the goal of humanity to be ‘happy’ so personally I don’t pursue it as a thing. It either happens or it doesn’t, I don’t really care. I do the job that’s in front of me in line with my values - caring for my children, bringing in an income and doing the best I can at work, looking after DH, supporting my friends and family - and I let the rest take care of itself really. That’s not something I learned or achieved, it’s inherent in my personality, my temperament, my genes, whatever. On paper my sister has the better / easier / materially richer life, in practice I’m way more content than she is.

None of the above is intended as criticism. You made a big step, took a big chance to improve your life. There’s nothing stoic about deliberately choosing to remain in a miserable job or situation. But expecting a different job or indeed no job at all to make you happy? That’s not going to work. Are you living by your values? Are you able to live well, whatever circumstances you find yourself in? Those are the key questions.

Post university I decided having a job I enjoy was more important than money, but soon realised that even hobbies aren't fun when they become a job. It's working I dislike rather than the type of work so decided I might as well do something that I get a good salary for and hate it!

You were and are so so brave

Do you think it’s better to work part time in your role and study to get you into something equally well paid and in demand?

My friend studied part time to be a social worker. She’s in her 40s and landed a job straight away. She keeps leaving for time off to travel and relax then gets another job doing the same thing. She thought she’d like being a social worker as it’s helping people but actually hates it a lot. She regrets wasting 6 years studying and it cost her just under £30,000 to retrain. She actually started doing her old job over the weekends and says she enjoys it more!

I think this is a super interesting thread, and thank you for starting it. I tend to the other way - s general dissatisfaction with life and feeling I’ve not fulfilled my potential/could do so much more but think that there’s no chance that if I took the jump things would actually be better.

All the best.

But also what is it you’re searching for? And (aware this sounds trite) but are you looking for something external that actually could be found within?

That's a lovely question and nobody has ever worded it like that before. I often read/hear, "what do you want?". And I don't know. But your question was easy to answer. I am searching for peace and purpose. Thank you 🥲

Have you kept any elements of the slower life that you enjoyed?

Yes, I am a much better gardener than I was and when I settle in my next home I will be able to do much more gardening. I also know far more lovely walks than I did before. I am less materialistic. Before, I spent so much time travelling away from home that I would buy lots of books and toiletries to survive the hotels and trains. I don't need to do that any more.

Do you feel pressure - from yourself or others - as a childfree person that you should have a big or interesting life?

Not really, I don't feel anyone is really paying that much attention to me! I feel like I should live a more full life because time is so precious and life so short and I have so many advantages. I also feel under pressure to be more "outdoorsy" and be the kind of person who goes on long hikes and fresh water swimming and 10k runs. But I have a tendency towards eating biscuits and watching the telly unfortunately.

Who do you most admire? I always admire people in real life who are comfortable in their own skin.

What’s for breakfast? I have the same thing every day. Full fat Greek yogurt, berries, golden flax seed, flaked almonds, half a banana, kefir followed by chocolate biscuits. How about you?

When you said you tried to get into social work, do you mean you applied for postgrad, step up options? Interested, as it’s not that hard to get into if you want to do the degree etc.

When you said you tried to get into social work, do you mean you applied for postgrad, step up options? Interested, as it’s not that hard to get into if you want to do the degree etc.

Yes, I couldn't afford to do another degree. I tried an on-the-job scheme, I forget what it's called. I could have done the route where you start as an unqualified social worker (bit like the social work equivalent of a Teaching Assistant or Community Support Officer, I forget it's name) but by that time I had moved on in my thinking.

Thank you for sharing, it’s a really interesting thread. My change wasn’t as dramatic but I completely changed career 10 years ago. I used to work in the charity sector as I wanted a meaningful career. The problem is it turned me into a very cynical judgmental person as it’s hard to have infinite understanding of people who do nothing to help themselves and cheat the system. I changed jobs to something boring and less meaningful. However this gave me the emotional energy needed to not hate humanity. I earn better money and find myself actually wanting to help others for genuine reasons in my free time.

I have a few well meaning friends who have quit their jobs to start charities. It mostly doesn’t work out as it’s a tough sector with little reward.

Might that be a possibility now, though? Staying employed in your field, but looking for a job elsewhere and moving there? My BIL and his family also moved to Lincolnshire because it was cheap, but when we’ve visited, I’ve always found the particular area where they live very bleak.

Like many other posters, I think you should be proud of yourself, OP. And that you should think of other ways you could change aspects of your life.

It's working I dislike rather than the type of work so decided I might as well do something that I get a good salary for and hate it!

Yes this is relatable! I think for a few years I tried to do what you've written about - be happy even if it means I earn less. I think I learned that life is easier (for me) if I have less time for good stuff but am financially more comfortable. I also find life easier if I'm respected at work. I did a few jobs during those years were there was very, very little respect (e.g. I very briefly worked in supported accommodation for young people. That was scary).

Agreed. I consider things like being able to do the school run a privilege and really enjoy it - mainly because I only get to do it when im WFH/off work rather than every day. For me it's the community thing you talk about OP - saying hi to friends and neighbours, nattering to my child about her day.
OP I think it sounds like you lack purpose and are searching for it. For me that comes from 'big' things like parenting, as well as smaller rituals like the school run, a cup of tea at a nice cafe, making dinner for my DC. I probably look outwardly stressed a lot of time (also have a rat race job!) but overall im content
I do think about getting a 'simpler ' job, but have decided being financially secure is more important to me (single parent) and im figuring out how to make the job work for me

@Oggle what you wrote is very relatable! One of my jobs climbing back up the ladder was alongside people you describe. It is draining.

@TrilbyFoot I am definitely craving hills and mountains! I am going to ring estate agents tomorrow and ask for viewings on a couple of properties I've been looking at.

Thank you so much everyone that has shared some kind words and reflections, and I'm sorry I haven't tagged every one of you. I guess I'm a bit embarrassed and overwhelmed and it's a bit to take in. You've made me think about the last 10 years quite differently. And given me some encouragement to keep making adjustments to my life and not give up completely.

OP I think it sounds like you lack purpose and are searching for it. Definitely, and I can see how children would have given me purpose. I had a tough upbringing and an unhappy childhood, and as a young adult swore I wouldn't have children. I think it's been the right decision for me, on balance, but I'm very grateful for the actual and honorary nieces and nephews in my life.

I’m like you, op, a terminally discontented overthinker. I’m in my 50s now and coming to accept it as my way of being. I’m certainly more empathic and understanding and tolerant than most people. I’m surprised you didn’t continue with your role as a therapist?