I grew up with with 9 siblings. AMA

[joyfulexistance84]

I grew up with 9 siblings and now I have my own family.

And I feel like so many people have so many questions in my personal life when they find out I have 9 siblings. So I'm sure some people on mumsnet might have questions too!

Was your family Catholic OP? I once knew someone from a very large family on Ireland and when her mother has asked for birth control she was directed to a priest who said she would be fine to have more children. So she did. This was in the 70s though.

I have 7 children myself. Eldest 19, 17, 15, 14 year old twins and a 3 and 2 year old. I do often worry about how mine feel being part of a large family. Suppose only time will tell when they are all adults. I am a stay at home mum who has only worked evenings when they are in bed and some weekends. I know as a mum I always worry about spending individual time with them all and if what I give is enough, but I think all mums worry about that regardless of how many children we are juggling, I know my mum says she always worried and she only had 2. It’s been interesting to read your post and your experience. Mine have all said they don’t mind having so many siblings they say the only annoying part is peoples reactions to how many siblings they have, and they often lose count 🤣 however they have expressed they prob wouldn’t have as many themselves when older 🙈🤣 xx

Do you/did you feel emotionally neglected?
I only have two children and I'm quite attuned to when something is bothering/worrying them and working out what it is (friendships, periods, school trip etc). I can't fathom how I would keep tabs on this stuff with Ioads of kids as it would take all my focus and energy just to keep the plates spinning.

Also I picked up on your mum (and dad's) focus on wanting babies and toddlers. Did you feel they lost interest in their kids as they got older and replaced them with new cute babies? I know someone who has 6 kids because she was obsessed with babies and having a large family but once they got past a certain age she seemed to go into a depression and fixate on having another baby to make herself feel better. She's always stressed and shouty about how she doesn't have any time, space and money for herself and I think well ... you were insistent on having six children so ...

But why have so many children if you’re also often worrying about out how they feel having so many siblings?

Do you feel like you had enough privacy?

Also, do you feel that your parents were selfish having so many children?

I went to school with a girl who had 9 or 10 siblings

The 'or' is very telling. I can't imagine having such a big family that people who know you wouldn't be sure how many of you there were! Also, not being able to cast a momentary glance and see that everybody is there, but having to physically count them - like they do when a whole school class is away on a trip!

That sounds so sad - but predictable - as you describe it all. I would love to know what drives people to keep on having more and more children, knowing that every new one will make you poorer and be more demand on your time, space and resources.

Having children is an incredibly special experience for most parents; but how much more joy does it actually bring, when you have 4 or 5 kids, to have another, and another and another...? Even if it's just that you love babies, and then rue the fact that your baby is gone in a few years, surely it's stinking obvious that they don't just disappear and it's still a person whom you have to accommodate, look after and pay for?

I’m one of 6 and a lot of this resonates with me. As adults none of us are close. We are all child free or have one child by choice. Sounds a common theme after growing up in a big family.

Leaving obvious money and time issues aside, a lot also depends on personality. Introverts would hate this, kids at the other end of the spectrum who are extreme extroverts would love it more. I was an only child and that has always suited me just fine. I do know some people coming from large families, but no success stories to be honest. That's of course not to say that there are none, but too often older siblings became mini-parents, resentment was rife and benign neglect, especially emotionally, all too common. In my late uncle's family (one of 7) none of the siblings could stand each other as adults.

I’m sure those who chose to have 1 often wonder how their child may feel not having a sibling, which I have friends with only one who often worry about that. Now am I overly worried no, no I’m not but as mums aren’t we programmed to worry about how much of a good enough job we are doing as parents?

In my case I had five with my ex husband. We wanted 4, 4th pregnancy ended up with twins hence the 5. Then when our marriage broke down and I ended up remarrying we’ve had an additional 2 together hence the bigger age gap and with the big age gap between the older 5 and the no6 I didn’t want her not to have a sibling close in age to grow up along side like the older ones did. It has seemed to have worked for our family and our dynamics but doesn’t mean I don’t worry. But what they may not get if they were from a smaller family they get other positive things from being a part of larger family.

I have 7 children and I love having a busy household. My kids range from 18 to 3 months old.

The kids get on and do activities and fun things together. I have time for them all. I know everyone's hobbies/likes/interests/teachers/friends/their problems/their dislikes and any issues.
Dad works hard for us all and I work as a English reading tutor and all the kids are well provider for.
The hardest part is all the laundry!! Hahaha.

Are your parents still together and do you ever think one of them wanted more kids than the other?

Were you conscious of any favouritism within the family or conversely any scapegoat siblings?

No, it's never occurred to me to worry about having an only child. Your family planning sounds incredibly irresponsible to me. You already had five children and had two more just because you remarried? Insane.

I had a colleague who was the eldest of 8. She was firm on not having her own children because as far as she was concerned, she had already had them. She was more of a mum to the youngest few than their actual mum. So in your house, did the older siblings have to take on a parenting role too?

Do you know if all the children were planned or were some of them not?
Any favouritism and, if so, was a birth order a factor in this? Eg maybe oldest or youngest child was the favourite?
Any personality differences that you could relate to birth order?
Did the older ones have parenting responsibilities for the younger ones and if so are they resentful and this affected sibling relationships?
I’m fascinated by large families and birth order and how it impacts family relationships and personality. I always wanted to be part of a large family, even though I’m the eldest of three. I envied on screen fictional large families like the Von Trapps and the Waltons. Obviously those depictions are somewhat romanticised and I didn’t understand the realities of it. My mum was the oldest of five and definitely resented being a parent to the youngest two when she was 10-16. Both her parents were alcoholics and it was a violent relationship.

i think you might be my sister. Seriously. Also named by a nun midwife.

Selfish is maybe the wrong word to use. But some of my siblings prefer to focus on themsleves now they are adults, so they don't have kids. Which is perfectly understandable

Yeah there was a lot of judgement! Like everyday lol

She's healthy, as far as I know. And no, i never went hungry

I have complex feelings about my parents. So when I was still living at home, and to this day, I try not to speak negatively of my childhood because I don't want to upset them. Most of my siblings are the same.

However, when we all lived at home, we would all say we were happy even if we weren't.

I do see those account. And I think the younger children are probably actually happy. Probably. Because I notice that my younger 2 siblings are actually really close to my mum and dad, mainly because they were the youngest 2 kids.

No I didn't have much privacy. And yes I think my parents were selfish

What number of children do you think personally feels ‘too many because it’s not possible to be a really good parent ’?like if they had stopped at you do you think 5 is ok?

Do you think you had it easier/harder being in the middle?

Have you read the Doris Lessing book The Fifth Child ?

Yes they are still together. They both wanted a large family. My dad wanted more kids but my mum had a traumatic birth when my youngest sibling was born

How come everyone pretends this?