I'm a marriage and relationship coach.

[marriagecoach]

I work mostly with women to help heal relationships where couples really want to stay together but simply don't know how.

AMA

What qualifications do you have?

what's the most common issue you see popping up - and why do you think that is?

Do you see common themes in your work?

What qualifications do you have?

Do you investigate further at why they want to stay together, especially if you can see that the relationship is harmful to either or both partner?

Do you acknowledge neurodiversity and the role it might play in relationship difficulties?

How often do you realise that the problem is actually domestic abuse?

Are you married yourself? And if so, are you happily married?
And have you ever been through a marriage break up?

I studied psychology throughout my life including at university during my (non psychology) degree and have always had a deep interest in psychology.

I did a psychology coaching course after which I gave free sessions for around a year within my community around all sorts of different issues, parenting, relationships, friendships etc after which I realised my passion was in relationships.

How much do you charge?

What's the most common issue you come across and how do you propose dealing with it?

Unspoken changes in expectations.

A relationship starts off in one stage of life and as the relationship grows and changes, whether it be because of kids, jobs, moving etc needs and expectations change. We see that things need to be adjusted and handles differently but both people have different approaches. Often, one person tends to take on the load and resentment grows which can turn bitter fast.

Common themes, yes. Communication issues, differences in parenting, in laws issues, to name a few.

But the way these play out and the intention and feelings they bring can be very different.

Yes, the why is very important but often it's, we were happy, we were in love, I don't know how we got here but I can't do this anymore.

If by harmful you mean in a physical way, this isn't something I coach on. If the physical barrier has been crossed in that way I try and signpost to women's refuges where possible.

Absolutely, I have personal experience with how ND can come into play in a relationship and how having a good understanding of this can not only help to give each other grace but you can learn how to say or do things in a way that strengthens the relationship. Be each others "safe" person.

no i mean relationships can be seriously unhealthy without any physical harm.

Would you recognise coercive control?

I tend to do a consultation before I start with official sessions and any DV issues have been brought up during this, at which point I will explain that this isn't my area of expertise and refer if possible.

One of my therapists who had done lots of couples’ therapy said one thing she learnt from this was that ‘men always need instructions’.

Do you agree with this?

Yes, happily married.

In the interest of being completely honest, we went through a really hard time a while back, near end, but I didn't believe in my heart that we were meant to end and I fought hard for my relationship and we're at a place now where we understand and can see when things aren't feeling quite right and get ourselves back on track very quickly. We have regular talks about how we're doing and when we have a big change in circumstances or life or kids we talk about what our roles will now be, how can we lean on eachother if needed and what do we need in difficult moments.

A lot of the tools I teach my clients, are things I regularly do myself.

I'm a relationship therapist and work psychodynamically with couples. I have a masters degree in counselling and psychotherapy and my course was accredited by the BACP. I also have further specific training in recognising coercive control and domestic abuse and am a registered member of the BACP.

It sounds like you had a layman's interest in psychology during university and did a psychology coaching course? How long did you study? Was your course accredited?

Some of your responses are a bit concerning. If there is DV or coercive control in the relationship, you wouldn't expect one of the parties to outright disclose it during the consultation call. Sometimes the victim doesn't even realise they are in a coercively controlling relationship. Your training should equip you to spot the subtle signs. When you say you 'refer them on' if you become aware of DV, whom do you refer them on to, or where?

Also, why, once you were qualified did you offer sessions for free? That's another thing which strikes me as odd. Charging for our time and expertise is one of the ways therapists hold a boundary around the client relationship.

Between £600 - £750 for a three month block.
Weekly 1 hour online sessions.
I give 13 weeks per 3 month block.

To be honest, it's not as simple as this is the problem so this is the solution.

I do want to give you an answer though so I'm hoping an example will do.

A client came to me and said that she feels like every time they talk, they end up arguing. This is something I hear a lot.

When I asked some questions, what's happening is that when they argue, they can both be quite mean with their words. When she approaches him she feels nervous and with the expectation that it will probably turn into an argument. She starts the conversation expecting it to go wrong and so when it does it compounds the anxiety for the next time.

I ask her questions about why she wants to discuss it with him, what is she hoping to gain. Not what does she expect to happen, what would she like.

She just wants to have a conversation, the topic is an excuse for communication, it's a reason to say something in a relationship that has otherwise become quiet. So I helped her to work on feeling more secure in herself so she can not be as anxious, also to remember the ways in which her husband can help and comfort her, even if he hasn't been that person in a while. She approached him differently, was more hopeful and didn't expect an argument because she went into the conversation already deciding that she wouldn't engage in an argument. So once the anxiousness of a doom cycle (as she called it) wasn't there, they were able to talk. Not for very long initially, but it opened the door to longer conversations that then felt less tense and easier as they went.

What is the pay like? What percentage of marriages/relationships do you save? Are marriage rates falling? Personally I wouldn’t get married again, wonder if others feel the same.

I hope this is not a real example.

You should not be sharing any content from sessions with anyone, let alone online. It's deeply unethical to breach confidentiality this way. If this is a real example and your client was reading this, she would be able to recognise herself.

No, this is not a real example. This is a story based answer as an example.