I've been a prostitute on and off since I was a young adult. AMA.

[IAMAthroway]

Just that, really. I am drunk and bored, and I've noticed in the past on MN, many sweeping statements made about sex workers that I don't always agree with (i.e we are all brainwashed into thinking we are happy with our career choice, but really we are miserable)

For background, I started when I was 19, maybe late 18. I got into it because I was lapdancing and noticed those who offered "extras" after hours made 3x what I did. I was young and stupid, and sex just felt like sex to me, so it was quick, easy money. I left when I was 23/24 and met DH.

I got back into it when I was in my early 30s and left DH with nothing to my name, but left again when DH and I agreed to a suitable child maintenance arrangement, and I could afford to live.

I went back into it 2/3 months ago when possible redundancies were announced at my work, and I realised benefits covered only around 2/3 of my basic outgoings. I am in my early 40s with two adult children who still rely on me. DS is in uni, and DD has just started an NMW job; both still live with me.

Ah ok, I read that as she was not literally declaring it, i.e. she wasn’t informing anyone about the nature of the work.

Perhaps she could clarify.

I could do manicures instead, but it takes time to build a client base; that service is a lot less in demand, ime. Every time I have gone back into sex work, it's been because I need more money now, not in 6 months when I've built up a good client base. It also takes more time to earn the same amount, and I work full-time.

A higher-earning job is the eventual plan. I am using some of the money atm to pay for courses and professional certifications. I went to uni later in life (after leaving DH) and have been really unlucky with redundancies etc, so I don't feel like my career has moved much past entry level. That's another reason why I don't want an evening/weekend job or to spend hours every night doing nails; I want time to study.

I've never had therapy. I don't feel like I need it. I don't want a meaningful relationship with a man.

What did you study at uni?

I didn't say you should consider therapy in order to have a relationship with a man , so sorry if that wasn't clear.

I said you should have therapy to work through your emotions after a lifetime of abuse involving men. And how you're now selling your body because it gives you a feeling of power over men and addresses the imbalance. That's an unhealthy dynamic.

The 'I need money and being a prostitute is the easiest option' is a bit of a weak excuse. It's an emotional choice not just a monetary one. You have choices and one of them is to earn money this way, not declare it to HMRC , even though you're earning around £1600 a month, and not claim any benefits you are entitled to (if I've read your posts correctly.)

Is that ethical in your eyes?

But you're so emmeshed in it all from being 15 that you don't see it.

Questions for the critics of the op:

Why do most people see nothing wrong with two adults having casual sex, one-night stands, or friends-with-benefits arrangements as long as everyone consents but suddenly view the exact same physical act as morally wrong or sleazy once money changes hands?

1. Whilst men and society still believes that a woman’s vagina/body can be bought all women will be viewed as potential products as opposed to whole human beings.

2. It is only men (99% of the time) that buy’s a body for their own gratification. Whilst we live in a society where 1 in 4 women will be raped in their lifetime we shouldn’t perpetuate the idea that a woman’s body can be bought for male entitlement/gratifiation.

3. As soon as money is involved in any exchange there is the opportunity for corruption.

The Red light district in Amsterdam is a good example of how men exchanging money for use of a strangers body pans out in reality. Even legalised prostitution will create misery to human lives due to the corruption and human trafficking. This doesn’t include all the non-trafficked human beings that were prostituting themselves because of previous abuse and drug addiction.
In 2017, it was estimated by the Dutch National Rapporteur on Trafficking in Human Beings and Sexual Violence against Children that more than 6,000 people in the Netherlands fall victim to human trafficking each year.
Two thirds of the people trafficked, about 4,000 people per year, fall victim to sexual slavery and abuse.

4. Any man that buys sex can never know whether that woman is trafficked or suffering terrible abuse and so the idea that paid for sex is a mutually agreed transaction is incorrect.

5. In 2016, the mayor of Amsterdam admitted, the Dutch experiment to curb abuse by legalising prostitution had failed miserably. Policeman in Amsterdam’s infamous red-light district were quoted by Dutch media as saying “We are in the midst of modern slavery.”

6. The reality is that, generally ,most men who use prostitutes do not see the woman (or boy) a whole human being. So from a psychological perspective it is clear that generally men who buy sex do no see prostitutes as casual sex.

For example;
47% of prostitutes working outdoors reporting being kicked, punched, or slapped in one study.

7. It is a myth that men who use prostitutes just have a need that can’t be serviced by themselves, or by a partner because we know that the number of men who are abusive towards prostitutes is far higher than men being abusive to women who are not prostitutes. About 1 in 3 women have experienced physical and/or sexual violence from an intimate partner outside of prostitution in their lifetime but on average a prostitute will experience violence from a customer 12 times a year.

@ThatPearlkitty unfortunately many people believe men who use prostitutes do so because they can’t get sex for whatever reason but the reality is there is a much darker side to why they pay for sex. When you read the stats on the regular abuse that prostitutes face it sheds light on the true views men have about women and in particular prostitutes. They see the women as their property because they have bought them not just for sex but to be abusive.

It is a very dark and seedy industry indeed and unfortunately perpetuates the idea men can buy humans (mainly women)for their gratification.

I don't think I explained the benefits situation very well. I'm not entitled to any because of my day job; it's not that I'm choosing sex work instead of benefits.

If/when I am made redundant again, I will be entitled to around £900 a month, which is not enough. We would lose our home because we wouldn't be able to pay the rent. I could ask DS and DD to use their inheritance to pay the rent, and if I knew it would only be a matter of a few months I would, but then what if I can't find work for a year? Or more? How much of their inheritance do I let them waste on rent before giving up? How would they then feel if they're not left with enough to buy their own home once they're ready, because they've been supporting me?

I went back into it before losing my job because I want to build up a safety net in case it takes me longer than expected to find work.

I don't declare what I earn to HMRC, and no, I don't think that is ethical, but a lot of higher-paying jobs in my field require security clearance, so I don't want anything linking this back to my real name. And what could I declare it as that wouldn't have any expenses I'd also need to declare? It would look odd to declare it as money earned from beauty therapy without buying any lashes/brow tint, nail polish, etc.

I try to justify it to myself by telling myself it's offset somewhat by the tax I pay as a PAYE employee. I've always had a legitimate job from being 15, so I've always paid tax.

My degree is in IT and Computing (software) from the OU.

Please can I ask, (not related to sex work) how you would get a monthly payout from redundancy? I got made redundant before I had my DCs but got a lump sum, not monthly indefinite pay.....🤔 I'm confused....

I wouldn't. If I weren't working, I'd be entitled to around £900 a month in UC according to entitledto.com.

Ah, ok, got ya, thanks x

I try to justify it to myself by telling myself it's offset somewhat by the tax I pay as a PAYE employee. I've always had a legitimate job from being 15, so I've always paid tax.

well no, it's not and you are doing mental gymnastics to reach that one!

Are you working full time?

I'm asking because you're here on a working day and you presumably do your sex work during the day too.

Also, is redundancy on the cards or are you anticipating it?
How much effort are you putting into applying for other jobs if yours is under threat?

If you're made redundant how much would you be paid from your employer?
You're entitled to some money even the minimum.

I'm also querying the use of your kids' inheritance. Presumably it's in Trust ? Or as they are over 18 they can access it?

This is a tricky thing to ask but if they knew what you were doing, re. prostitution do you think they would rather use their inheritance to tide you all over, or give you the green light to carry on being a prostitute?

I wonder if you've ever had legal advice? It seems odd that they have an inheritance, left by your Ex, rather than that money coming to you in order to support them.

It's a funny turn of events that you're earning by being a sex worker while they are sitting on an inheritance that could have a) been used as a house deposit FOR ALL OF YOU AS A FAMILY and b) you're living hand to mouth - worried about losing your rental. And being a sex worker as some kind of insurance against that.

Both kids are over 18, so they got the money directly. DH had a will that left everything to them.

I work full-time during the day. I see clients on evenings and weekends. I'm working from home today, hence why I can post on MN.

Redundancy is pretty much a given at this point. I'm expecting to be given notice at the end of the week during the final consultation meeting. I've applied for a lot of jobs and had two interviews up to now, and I'm waiting to hear back from them. I've not been with the company long enough to be entitled to any redundancy pay.

We did talk about them buying a family property, but decided against it because they're both over 18 and, at some point within the next few years, I assume they'll be looking to move out and will want to buy their own house.

I don’t think you’re being unreadable at all in wanting your kids to keep their money for a house deposit later down the line.

I do think you should be encouraging them to work and contribute to the household though. You’re struggling and they’re adults x

Your dh should have left everything to you. Hes probably done it to spite you based on what youve said. But the best way to provide for his children would have been to enure you, their mother was financially secure to allow peace of mind at home, to allow you to focus on their wellbeing. Instead your juggling the life you lead.

You sound like your doing your best in your circumstances and with the life experience you have. Albeit sounds very difficult to those of us not living your life.

I hope things work out for you and you get to a point where you dont feel this is your only option. It sounds like you feel you are making the intelligent choice. I hope one day you have more choices.

Everyone gets dealt different cards in life and youve been dealt a bad hand to start. You have my admiration for how you are still pushing on. I think you deserve peace and rest 💜

I wonder if you could have contested the will as it left you in a precarious position unable to buy a home for all of you.

Is your degree in computer science or computing?

I'm saying this kindly, but I'd be very careful about assuming your kids don't know what you do or suspect.

In real life I know of women who had 'other lives' (not as prostitutes) and assumed their teens didn't know when in fact they did.

You must have to put on a bit of an act if you're going to meet a client yet you're not taking your manicure stuff with you and presumably you come home without showering, and smelling of men?

I think you underestimate the risks because unless I've missed it you're going to men's homes not to hotels (because that would give you overheads.)

It's not a great way to live. I think you know this.

Men who pay to use human beings for sex are immoral.

Just thought I’d clear that up for you.

You're making a judgement when none of us here know all the facts..

I'm not sure of the timeline here for a start. Her kids are at uni so they must be 18- 21 (assuming.) BUT they are also living at home- a home they could lose if OP loses her job.

If her ex died before they were 18, the inheritance would normally be left in trust with trustees looking after the child's interests.
That interest could include using it towards housing if the circumstances required that.

Some trusts specify the child has to reach 21 or even 25 to access the money and be old enough to use it wisely.

If the ex died when they were 18+ he could still have left it in a trust till they were older.

I don't think they believe that at all.

Where a man has left 100% of his assets to his children leaving his wife destitute and forced to sell her body, it is legal and moral for her to challenge the will. Damn right it is.

Are women on benefits required to seek any work, regardless of aptitude or qualifications?

Just because it’s valid work doesn’t mean anyone could or should do it. We value and compensate work more highly if it is performed by fewer people, or takes skill or innate talent that most people don’t have. My job couldn’t be done by many perfectly, healthy, physically competent people. I’m
one hundred percent certain no one would be penalised by the DWP if they said they just didn’t want to do it. I’m not especially amazing, or reckless or addicted to risk because of my traumatic childhood. I’m just not bothered by heights. No one here is trying to convince me heights ARE scary. That my job IS dangerous, that I SHOULD be afraid of injury. That women DO get hurt doing it. That there are plenty of other, lower paid, things I could do with less risk and more time away from my child. Even though all that is true. OP isn’t bothered by having sex with strangers. And instead of just saying ‘that’s a tough and high risk job, I’m glad it’s not mine’. Other women insist she MUST be acting out trauma. Or morally bankrupt. Or in some other way simple or incapable of depth and complexity, because they themselves lack the capacity for it and need to infantilise or demonise her to feel safe and accepted themselves by society. It’s unfair.

Non payment of services is a huge deal. If I don’t get paid for a job, I can’t feed and house my child. I do a small number of highly paid, hard, risky jobs deliberately so that I can be there for my child as much as possible. And I do them competently and well. To the people I do them for, it’s probably not a lot of money. To me, each job is vital. If you think theft is a small matter, especially to people operating on the margins, that makes you exploitative, whatever you think of prostitution. Rape or theft, viewed in that context, seems somewhat academic. (I assume legally it’s rape, as it’s not possible to consent to an illegal act).

I just want to people to stop reducing sex workers to one dimensional tropes and give them space to be complex, individual, humans. It’s just work. They’re just people. Sure, there are nuances and outliers. But START there. The most damaging thing is privileged women marginalising less privileged women to benefit men. Men are excellent at using women to do their dirty work.

“The most damaging thing is privileged women marginalising less privileged women to benefit men. Men are excellent at using women to do their dirty work.”

A wild take for a woman cheering men on having access to other (poorer) women’s bodies.

You have no idea what you're talking about. But then, having no personal experience, how could you? You're one of those privileged women you mention, and I'm very much not interested in being lectured by you.

I advertise on various internet sites and meet clients in hotels or their homes.

Do those sites show your face or location?

Not if they’re over 18, I’d imagine. Under, she would likely have had a case to challenge the will, especially as the beneficiaries were her children. I’m fortunate not to have been in this position. There was a will but it had not been signed. I don’t know what was in it. To this day, I do not know what I would have done if I’d have come across a signed copy. I’m sure I’d have been morally justified to burn it. But legally obviously not. I thank my lucky stars my ex never bloody finished anything and I didn’t have to make that choice.

OP it’s your life. But in the interests of having options (which is never a bad thing) have your DC’s considered buying property and renting it? This is often tax efficient, especially if they can buy houses, live in them and rent spare rooms at their unis. Could you consider that? Or even one of them buying and renting to you. I’m currently looking at houses to put a granny annexe in the garden for DD. Could you consider a variation on that? In the circumstances renting privately seems like a lot of money leaching out of the household and those might be medium term options for you? No judgment, just thoughts. It’s frustrating when you feel stuck and people keep saying ‘just…’ when it’s not nearly that simple.