Pregnant with 3rd boy after miscarriage and I kind of wish I wasn’t pregnant

[TheNewCat]

I’m 38 and mum to two boys already. We’ve found out this pregnancy is also a boy and I’m finding it much harder than I expected.

Before this pregnancy I had a miscarriage, and we found out afterwards it was a girl. I don’t think I ever properly dealt with that loss. I had quietly pinned so much hope on this being a girl, maybe as a way of making sense of what we lost. Finding out it’s another boy has brought all of that back up again.

This is hard to admit, but part of me wishes this pregnancy hadn’t happened at all and that we’d just stuck with the two we have instead of constantly wanting to try for another before I’m 40. I feel dreadful writing that. I love my boys fiercely, but I honestly don’t think can cope with three boys. I already find it overwhelming , the noise, the energy, the constant physicality , and the thought of adding another fills me with panic rather than joy.

My husband is absolutely delighted and thinks I’m being a bit of a “asshole” and can’t understand why I’m struggling, which makes me feel even more isolated and guilty. I know how lucky I am to be pregnant at all, especially after a miscarriage, but my feelings don’t seem to care about logic.

Has anyone else felt this level of gender disappointment or regret after loss? Did it change once the baby arrived, or did it take time? Please be gentle I’m already beating myself up enough.

Making the OP feel guilty and wretched will not help her to bond with her baby. She’s come on here because she is distressed and wants to feel differently from the way she feels at the moment.

OP you’ve had a hard time and your OH isn’t helping.

Your little girl will always be special and whatever sex your new baby is to be, she will never be replaced.

Take it easy and talk with your midwife.

I think you need to really think about what you’ve said here. You could see it as a huge blessing, like this is actually why having a girl would have been a terrible thing. Your child needs to be your child, not a replacement for what was lost. They can’t live in the shadow of filling the hole another child left behind. Growing up feeling like your parents don’t really see you, but see you as your sister returned to them: It’s a cruel way to grow up, with all the best intentions and love in the world.

Your child is a boy and for whatever reason that keeps him separate in your mind. Nothing would bring back the girl you lost, but at least this new baby boy you’re carrying is his own little self.

I think you’ll see and appreciate this so much more when you work through the grief of it all. Your little daughter can’t be brought back to you - not in the form of a new daughter. Let her go. 💐

I understand where you are coming from in a way. I had a miscarriage and secondary infertility and when I found out my 2nd baby was a boy after Ivf and while I was delighted I had fleeting thoughts of sadness that I will never have a daughter. It’s natural as women to want to experience that I think. However I am just so happy to have a healthy child and now he is here he is I wouldn’t swap him for a girl. I made peace very quickly with the fact I’m going to be a boy mum, I do think mother daughter relationships are romanticised a lot and it may not always live up to expectations.

OP, at this instant, you are still mourning your lost daughter, and feeling daunted generally by being pregnant. Once your little boy is born, you will wonder what on earth you were thinking, and you will love him as you do your existing sons.