Pregnant with 3rd boy after miscarriage and I kind of wish I wasn’t pregnant

[TheNewCat]

I’m 38 and mum to two boys already. We’ve found out this pregnancy is also a boy and I’m finding it much harder than I expected.

Before this pregnancy I had a miscarriage, and we found out afterwards it was a girl. I don’t think I ever properly dealt with that loss. I had quietly pinned so much hope on this being a girl, maybe as a way of making sense of what we lost. Finding out it’s another boy has brought all of that back up again.

This is hard to admit, but part of me wishes this pregnancy hadn’t happened at all and that we’d just stuck with the two we have instead of constantly wanting to try for another before I’m 40. I feel dreadful writing that. I love my boys fiercely, but I honestly don’t think can cope with three boys. I already find it overwhelming , the noise, the energy, the constant physicality , and the thought of adding another fills me with panic rather than joy.

My husband is absolutely delighted and thinks I’m being a bit of a “asshole” and can’t understand why I’m struggling, which makes me feel even more isolated and guilty. I know how lucky I am to be pregnant at all, especially after a miscarriage, but my feelings don’t seem to care about logic.

Has anyone else felt this level of gender disappointment or regret after loss? Did it change once the baby arrived, or did it take time? Please be gentle I’m already beating myself up enough.

My husband is absolutely delighted and thinks I’m being a bit of a “asshole”

shit. This is not a good sign.

Did he pressure you in to a third?

We thought my first was a boy and I remember the quietness in the car on the way home from the scan when we found out she was a girl.

We got our heads round it and by the time she was born it wasn’t even a thought.

Be kind to yourself OP. Gender disappointment isn’t that uncommon I don’t think, you will be full of wild hormones and you’re still grieving your daughter.

Sending lots of strength and hugs.

No he did not pressure me I wanted to try for another. I just didn’t expect to be expecting another boy.

He thinks we should just be happy they we are expecting which isn’t unreasonable.

He calls his pregnant wife an “asshole” for feeling unsure and nervous.

Is he an arsehole about other things too?

I really hope that when your little boy is here he doesn't grow up knowing you didn't want him. Would you be happy if that happened? Completely understand about your previous loss but that poor baby didn't ask to be born and especially not to be born and seen as a burden. How far along are you? Maybe a termination would be a possibility. I'm not saying that to be mean, I just think you need to realise how blessed you are. Surely you knew it was 50/50 wether it was a boy or girl

Not really, I am really happy in my marriage. I think he’s just excited for us to have another child regardless of gender. He really enjoys being a father. Whereas I did want a girl especially after my miscarriage.

As someone with a sibling who is very disabled and needs caring for still at 46 years old, I hate this attitude of caring about gender. If you get a healthy boy you have lucked out.

Sounds like you need some counselling before baby arrives to help you work through your feelings.

I've got a severely disabled child but I can still understand OPs feelings.

You're still mourning your loss OP and this is impacting on your feelings towards this pregnancy. Three young children is chaotic regardless of what sex they are!

Yes a termination is an option but I would wager that you would bitterly regret that decision as your feelings and emotions are so raw at the moment.

I would go easy on yourself and not beat yourself up for feeling like this. Allow yourself to feel and get some counselling if you can.

Go easy on yourself OP. 🌺

This was just me ranting about my feelings especially after having a miscarriage. Our boy will be very much loved, like you’ve said he doesn’t choose to be brought into this world. He’s not a burden I’m sorry if that’s the impression you got from my post but definitely not a burden.

I certainly won’t be terminating my pregnancy.

I think you’re reading too much into my post. I’m not going to post exactly what he said verbatim.

I desperately wanted a girl after 2 boys, and purposely didn’t find out the sex of the baby before birth, because I knew I would be upset if it was a boy, but also that once the baby was here I wouldn’t care. I was convinced that the baby was a girl, so convinced I didn’t even check straightaway after the birth. I was really surprised to see he was a boy!
He was and is very loved. The yearning for a girl was still there for some years but realistically I knew that at 41 , there were many reasons why I would not be having another baby. He is 25 now, and although I think maybe I should have tried again, I have never regretted having him. Of course , I could have tried again and had twin boys, there is no guarantee, like there is no guarantee for the health of your baby, and that is why I didn’t have a fourth baby, because of increased risks, ( and dwindling energy and finances).
3 boys is not much harder or noisier than 2, you already know what to do, you already have clothes and equipment, and your only issue really is logistics. Don’t worry, number 3 falls into your household routine easily, you rarely have to worry about entertaining them as there’s always something going on, in a way it’s easier than just one.Enjoy your extra baby.

I think wires are crossed here and there’s been a misunderstanding. I used quotation marks because it was shorthand for tone/context not a direct quote which I thought was clear for the AMA but I can see why you might have taken it literally. That is my bad.

Your response though is subtly trying to put me down by framing it as a concern for me but in reality you are judging me and implying that my standards in my marriage are off.

I think wires are crossed here and there’s been a misunderstanding. I used quotation marks because it was shorthand for tone/context not a direct quote which I thought was clear for the AMA but I can see why you might have taken it literally. That is my bad.

Your response though is subtly trying to put me down by framing it as a concern for me but in reality you are judging me and implying that my standards in my marriage are off. I am already down as it is you don’t need to put me down even more with the concern but how you’ve worded things doesn’t really seem like a concern more just judgment.

Stop being an idiot, your just trying to be mean and make OP feel awful. There's really no need to make people feel bad. Say your opinion but try not to be cruel whilst doing it.

I am in counselling only started at the start of December so fairly new to it but it’s helping with grief from miscarriage and other stuff I’m struggling with.

But there’s a 50/50 chance either way, so not sure I understand your example given it was your first @Upthenorth

but OP - I do understand your viewpoint given it’s your third and your history. I would suggest counselling to work through your complex feelings - even though you will of course love your third as much as your other 2

Thank you so much.

Im not even sure why I care so much. I love my boys so so much I wouldn’t have it any other way. I think part of me just wishes I didn’t have a miscarriage in the first place I’m still grieving I thought I was “over it” but clearly I’m not. We did a lot when we were expecting a girl, painted the room, decorated, all sorts my husband and I were so so excited not necessarily for the gender at the time more so just to have another child. I only care about the gender now because we lost a girl and I guess I wanted to “get her back” and finding out I was pregnant again after a miscarriage to me felt like I was getting my baby back. It sounds silly but that’s how I felt.

Oh, op, my heart goes out to you.

You've suffered a cruel loss and now you're expecting another baby, still grieving, and the feelings are so raw and messy. Learning that you are to have a third son is another reminder that you didn't get to have your daughter and it's not that you don't want him, is it, it's that you want her too.

I have not lost a baby but I have three sons. I didn't even realise I had wanted at least one daughter until it hit me that I now never would have one at all. If I had also been through what you have I think my feelings would have been quite similar.

Be kind to yourself and I hope you and your DH can find the right words for each other.

I totally understand which is why I feel guilty for even caring. I think for me it’s not necessarily the gender that bothers me. It’s because I had a miscarriage and getting pregnant again to me felt like I was getting back what I lost.

Even if you were having a girl you wouldn’t be getting your baby back, and that is unfair to put on a baby regardless, this baby isn’t a replacement and im sure you wouldn’t really want to replace your daughter. Grieving a pregnancy whilst pregnant is really hard and complicated Op, it’s good you’ve started counselling. Keep reminding yourself that this baby wouldn’t have been your previous baby or a replacement regardless of the sex, hopefully the gender disappointment will fade away once he’s here.

It’s not at all wrong, as a woman, to hope for female company under your roof. If you can get the same from male relationships why are we all on Mumsnet, a dominantly female website? And yes despite the stories of grown men taking their mums to musicals, broadly speaking men will be less interested in the sort of activities you want to do than a daughter.

However one of the above means you aren’t very lucky to have 3 boys; and I think rather than trying to force them into a ‘female narrative’ to somehow prove you are having the exact same experience as you would with daughters, and endlessly comparing, you should instead look at what you enjoy about your boys and why you’re lucky to have that.

Life is ultimately made up of things we have and things we don’t have. The ‘girl families’ seem happy in the early years with the matching dresses and pink sparkles but in my experience the drama starts up when they’re adults and the jealousy/competition and slights sneak in. Certainly was the case for me and my sisters.

OP didn’t choose to have these feelings so I’m not sure lecturing is helpful. She’s already said it’s not logical.

Sorry you’re feeling this way OP. I hope you feel more positive about the situation soon.