I’m in an open relationship-AMA

[shouldhavebeenkathryn]

Pretty self explanatory. Name changed for this.
Been in an open relationship for a couple of years after getting into the swinging scene when single.

Thought it might be something people are interested in, I think there are lots of misconceptions. Also just read a thread where OP said that nobody who was in an open relationship could love the other person or words to that effect.

Maybe I can dispel some of the myths…maybe not🤣

Bear with me for replies, I spend long periods away from my phone.

Please be respectful and kind.

My partner has made it clear to me recently that she wants us to be more adventurous and open up our relationship.

I have doubts over wanting to do this, but said I’ll think about it…

What are the main obstacles new couples to the ‘scene’ face? What advice would you give your old self now?

Thanks

Do your parents know and how do they feel about it?

Do you have children?

Do you get off on discussing each others antics with other people?

Do you both have the same ratio of getting off with other people?

Is the open aspect of your relationship purely for having one night stands/sex with other people or do you go on dates and have romantic feelings for other people.

Are you honest with the other people that you have no intention of building a future with them as you have a partner at home?

Have you ever had an STD?

My personal thoughts are that if being “open” is something that either partner is not sure about, it should be avoided.
Having an open relationship is not a tool to fix problems in a relationship or to ignite passion where it has extinguished. Both partners have to be equally as into it for it to work.

The main issues I’ve found are people wanting more than I can give them.
And navigating an open relationship as a couple can be tricky, but open communication is key, as are making sure boundaries are discussed and agreed BEFORE entering into anything. But also to recognise that personal boundaries and wants evolve and change so there needs to be ongoing communication about it all.

It’s definitely not as simple as “hey I really fancy just shagging someone else” then go off and do it. And if it is that simple, your relationship will suffer.

Have you got children?

do you bring the others to your home?

How do you find more than one man you can put up with?
The thought makes me tired.

Do you meet the others on swinging apps?

Do you engage in swaps and group stuff and if so are you ever taking one for the team?

Does the excitement of new lovers and the secrecy of it, create chemistry in your primary relationship?

Do you engage in full other relationships and if so do you find that emotionally or time wise draining?

Do you meet friends or families of the secondary relationship partners?

Is your sex life still as active with your primary partner, when you are seeing someone new?

My parents do not know, I see no reason to discuss my personal/sex life with my parents, but I simply don’t have that kind of relationship with my parents, never have.

I have a young child, not with current DP. Current DP has never met my child, we don’t live together and blending families is not something I’m interested in doing.

Yes, we do, personally. Not every open couple will be the same in that respect.

I would say that I am more successful when it comes to “playing” with other people, probably a personality thing.

For us, it’s about sex. It doesn’t have to be one night stands, it can be an ongoing set of meets with the same person for example but there is no dating or romance involved. I don’t have time for dating multiple people.

Yes, I am always scrupulously honest about what I want and what I can and can’t offer. If someone isn’t happy with any part of the arrangement then they need to be able to walk away. This is a key part of it for me.

I have had an STD but many many years ago, so nothing to do with my current circumstances, I always practise safe sex and get tested every few months for additional peace of mind (as does DP)

Sounds like your DP is number 1 and all/any others are sex play mates with no emotional attachment.

I do have a child (further on this in a previous answer) but no I NEVER bring anyone to my home.
That’s just a personal boundary for me, our home is my child’s safe space so nobody gets to come to our home, it’s something I feel very strongly about that even if my child is with their father, I still wouldn’t allow anyone else access to their home. Non negotiable.

Not only about my child but there are a fair few undesirables on the scene so no way I would ever disclose my address to anyone.

This is exactly the case, yes.

Where do you have sex with the others? Hotels? Do they pay the expenses?

Do you sleep with only men or women too or couples?

Are the people you sleep with usually married/in long term relationships? Do their partners always know what they’re up to?

have you ever found yourself getting attached to anyone? Have people got attached to you?

do you ever worry about your DP getting attached to anyone else?

Have either you or DP ever felt like you were getting too close emotionally to one of your outside partners?
And if so do you discuss it, do you stop seeing that person?

Has there ever been any jealousy where you think the other is getting too into another person?

Thank you! X

So you've got a boyfriend you don't live with, and have sex with other blokes without dating them? What do you get from it? Like, what's enjoyable?

(I can't imagine there are many single men out there who are pleasant, safe, and capable of providing multiple orgasms)

How do you find the energy for it?
Kind of facetious I guess! But also a bit serious. Between work and kids and stuff I generally sex a few times a week with DH is more than enough!

And how do you stay safe when meeting new people? That would really worry me I think

Thank you… that’s really good advice and I / we’ll take it onboard.

There’s some things I could be open to it as an idea, but know the reality of it could be very different.

If it is something I/ we will explore, than I know I want it to be a change we implement slowly and in a way that is the best way possible for us.

I’m going to try to answer a few of the more common queries in one if I can.

So I have sex with women as well, in fact more, than men, also single men and couples.
I don’t intentionally meet anyone that is cheating on their partner but I guess there’s only so much I can do to mitigate that, I know there is a lot of that goes on and I definitely don’t want to help anyone to be a cheater.

I tend to meet people at their homes or hotels, if I’m alone and not with DP he always knows where I am and when to expect a check in for safety.

@Morningswim in a pretty busy person, so I actually don’t have much free time, I do meets as and when I want to, I can go months without doing stuff if I’m not feeling it.

@ButSheSaid the sex is pretty enjoyable🤣 I find sex with other people enjoyable, I find time and sex with DP enjoyable and I find time on my own or with my child enjoyable, a lot of enjoyment is had, sexually and otherwise.

@DiscoBob luckily we’ve not found ourselves in such a situation yet, there have been instances where one of us isn’t happy about the other one meeting a certain person for example due to history before we met etc and we talk talk talk and respect each others boundaries with it.

@Spookygoose I definitely acknowledge the possibility that DP might develop feelings for someone else, it’s something that crosses my mind from time to time but I I think it’s futile to worry about it, if it’s going to happen then worrying about it won’t change that.
But you take the same risk in a monogamous relationship, people in monogamous relationships fall for other people all the time, I actually think the risk is perhaps less in an open relationship because we both give each other to space and the freedom to indulge in things that would be forbidden in a monogamous relationship, I’m aware that this is perhaps a controversial opinion however.

How do you manage the inherent imbalance in the relationships you have with your 'seconds' who don't have a primary partner?

What's your opinion on situations where one person (usually male) is "open", but expects their (generally female) partner(s) to remain monogamous to them?

ooooohhh...this is gonna be far more interesting than mine (autism assessor).

I have sooo many questions. I will compile a list. x

@shouldhavebeenkathryn ah ok, that makes sense!!

@ThisTaupeZebra I haven’t really found I’ve ever had that feeling of imbalance actually.
I’m not saying that there never is an imbalance, but for me, a lot of communication is key before I ever get to the point of being intimate with someone, if me and the “other” are generally on the same page and are aware of boundaries and limits, both happy with what is on offer then the chance of any imbalance is greatly reduced. I think that’s what you meant, have I understood correctly?

@EnjoyingTheArmoire I guess there are so so many ways to conduct relationships, I believe that each couple should feel able to make their own rules that suit and benefit both parties, so I try not to judge people, and how other folks conduct their relationships is largely none of my business but if it’s a case of a man pressuring his partner so that he can go round shagging whoever he wants whilst expecting her to only be with him, that’s not what I’d consider a genuinely consensually non monogamous relationship, I’d call it abusive actually. And personally don’t have any time for men like that.

@magictits I read a lot of your thread, I found it very very fascinating, I think your thread will be genuinely very helpful for a lot of people. There’s a lot of miscommunication and misconceptions around neurodiversity and I think your thread is great.
I’m happy to answer!!

Actually, just for those who might be wondering, my DP will have sexual contact with others, but he doesn’t have penetrative sex with anyone other than me. He just doesn’t want to.
When we first started out we decided that we wouldn’t passionately kiss anyone but each other, that boundary got dismissed within weeks when we both realised how integral to sex we both found kissing to be🤣