I’m in an open relationship-AMA

[shouldhavebeenkathryn]

Pretty self explanatory. Name changed for this.
Been in an open relationship for a couple of years after getting into the swinging scene when single.

Thought it might be something people are interested in, I think there are lots of misconceptions. Also just read a thread where OP said that nobody who was in an open relationship could love the other person or words to that effect.

Maybe I can dispel some of the myths…maybe not🤣

Bear with me for replies, I spend long periods away from my phone.

Please be respectful and kind.

Was your relationship always open?

Did your relationship begin with someone that you met on the swinging scene?

Thanks OP. An interesting AMA

What I mean is, you talk a lot about communication, but you also say that you have had "others" who want more than you are prepared to give, despite all of your "communication".

This suggests that there are implicit expectations going on, that haven't been acknowledged, which can lead to imbalance. How have you dealt with that? Or do you just end the "other" relationship?

You say that you tried to set a boundary around "no passionate kissing during sex" which sounds frightfully naive for somebody who considers themselves very open around sex, and also quite disregarding of other people's needs. How did your "others" react to that boundary being described to them? And how did your husband's "others" react to that boundary when it was described to them?

How old are you and your partner?

Are you someone who could be described as having ‘main character syndrome ‘?

What would you do in the event of contraception failure?

What will you do if you and DP decide to try for a DC? Give up your lifestyle?

Do you love your DP ENOUGH to "forsake all others " ?

@Uplakeyhill yes our relationship has always been open. We didn’t meet on the scene but knew about each others involvement when we did meet.

@ThisTaupeZebra with the best will in the world, one can communicate as much as they can but some people might have a different agenda, think your mind can be changed etc, I can make myself perfectly clear from my point of view but I can’t control the “other”. Personally I would just end things with the “other” if that did happen. I don’t consider myself to be in a relationship with these people because I’m not, we enter into a mutually beneficial arrangement and if it becomes clear that something else is going on, it’s just not worth it to me to continue.

The “no kissing” thing was when we were just starting out, so we were naive! We were trying to figure out how to make it work for us. Plenty of couples on the scene do actually implement that for themselves so it obviously works for some.
I don’t think the “no kissing” thing was in any way disregarding other people’s needs, my boundaries are for me, not others, so what others DO want isn’t relevant when I’m deciding what I DON’T want. I was upfront with people that kissing wouldn’t be happening (for the short period of time it lasted for🤣) and it was then up to them if they still wanted to be intimate with me or not, If someone for example couldn’t imagine sex without kissing then there were no hard feelings if they decided not to go for it, but I shouldn’t have to change my own boundaries to suit someone else’s wants and needs.

@ItsOnlyHobnobs I’m in my late thirties, partner’s late forties.
🤣 definitely no main character syndrome here, if you knew me in real life you’d laugh at the mere suggestion.

@MrsMoastyToasty I’d do the same thing that any other sexually active woman would do in the event of a contraception failure. MAP and STI test.

We will not try for children. I live with my child and I have no desire to change that dynamic in any way. As I said upthread, a blended family is not in our best interests.

I’m not entirely sure how to answer that last question. There’s an implicit meaning to that I think.
our relationship is our relationship, I love him first and foremost, and I love him very much, he makes me very happy, we’re good together, but I wouldn’t want to be in a monogamous relationship because I know it wouldn’t work for me.
It would be a bit like me asking a monogamous person if they love their partner enough to start sleeping with other people if their partner suddenly decided that’s what they wanted. A healthy relationship dynamic can’t just change in an instant.

Do people who have main character syndrome have the self-awareness to realise that?

I kind of think somebody who asks another human for sex without kissing, and defends it by stating: 'I shouldn’t have to change my own boundaries to suit someone else’s wants and needs', is kind of the definition of 'main character syndrome'.

OP do you consider yourself a good person, and good sexual partner?

Oh behave!

I’m almost annoyed at myself for rising to the bait but I’m going to defend myself here. I’m incredibly self aware, I’ve had a lot of therapy over the years for various reasons and self awareness is probably my greatest attribute. It’s fair enough if you choose to think otherwise.

I do consider myself a good person, is there anything in my posts that would make you think I’m not a good person? I think most people would probably describe themselves as good people.
I try to live my life really authentically, I’m honest, I’m kind, I’m respectful, and I’m fair, I work hard at what I do, my child comes before ANYTHING else in my life, so yeah, I think I’m doing pretty okay at being a good person.

As to whether I’m a good sexual partner, i guess you’d have to ask my sexual partners, I’ve never had any complaints, and I get very good feedback.

I’m not sure what else I can do to articulate the No kissing thing. It was when we first started out, we decided that passionate kissing was a really “loving” thing and that we wanted to keep it just for “us” and not the “others”, people were free to decide if they were happy with this or not. We then revisited it when we realised neither of us were enjoying the sexual experiences as much without it, and realised it was something we did want with the others.

I would gently suggest that if you think another human should change ANY of their own personal boundaries around sex to meet another humans needs, then perhaps you could do with a little introspection.

OP, I don't think anybody should change their personal boundaries around sex. But I do think that asking people to objectify themselves sexually for your pleasure and personal comfort, without deigning to reflect on the imbalance that inherently creates, is immoral. No matter how you dress it up with claims you have really great "communication".

I will phrase my question a different way: what would you not ever as a "second" to do? I don't mean, "I would never ask them to cross their boundaries". I mean, what would YOU never ask a "second" to do?

Another question: do you think it is fair that your husband's boundaries, have an impact on the sex other people are having with you, despite the fact he is the third party in that interaction? They are having to negotiate with two people, but, if they are single, you are only negotiating with one.

I’m really not sure why you think I’m asking anyone to sexually objectify themselves for my pleasure.
I’m doing nothing differently with the people I’m having sex with than I’d be doing if I was single, and I presume you wouldn’t consider a single woman having a series of one night stands to be asking those one night stands to sexually objectify themselves?

I’m also not sure what you’re asking me with “what would I never ask a second to do” how specific do you want me to be? Because that could mean anything from, “I’d never ask them to go for a romantic meal” to “I’d never ask them to insert sexual act ”

He’s my partner, not husband, we’re not married.
His boundaries don’t impact the sex I’m having with anyone else. We’re both of the opinion that while one of us is with someone else we can do as we please with that person.
If a single person is talking to us both as a couple then yes they are having to negotiate with two people, but they know that, and they are entering into that with that knowledge, because that’s what they want to do, we’re all adults with agency, nobody is holding a gun to anybody else’s head.

You clearly have your own ideas about what goes on, and have decided that it’s somehow seedy or immoral, and that’s fine, it’s not for you. But there is nothing inherently immoral about it.

And actually, on reflection, if we’re being totally honest, there’s often an imbalance of sorts in the vast majority of sexual encounters, one person is more into than than the other, someone is more or less attracted to the other, when women have sex with their husbands because they feel they “should” but not because they really want to, people having sex in order to gain something, whether that be emotional or tangible.
Id argue that for someone on the “scene” to enter into a discussion about possible sex with another, lay out what they can and can’t offer, what they will and won’t do, then leaving the other person to decide if that’s something they’re comfortable with or not, is very much not immoral.

"I’m doing nothing differently with the people I’m having sex with than I’d be doing if I was single." So did you ask people you were having sex with when you were single not to kiss you?

"His boundaries don’t impact the sex I’m having with anyone else." But you said earlier you both decided you wouldn't kiss other people. So his boundaries did impact the sex you were having with other people.

"You clearly have your own ideas about what goes on, and have decided that it’s somehow seedy or immoral, and that’s fine, it’s not for you." I never said it was seedy, but I do consider partnered-up people objectifying single people for their sexual pleasure, to be immoral, because of the inherent imbalance in the relationship.

FWIW I'm married and can see how an open relationship could work, but could never ask somebody single to be my "second" because I find the idea of sexual hierarchy repulsive. I'm fine with swingers, its the polys/open relationship types that get right on my tits.

I think you sound awesome OP, and if I were half as level-headed as you I might have tried it myself. I'm such a neurotic codependent, it would be a recipe for disaaaaaster rather than fun, but you sound like it works for you so fair play! 🥰

@ThisTaupeZebra you really have a bee in your bonnet about the no kissing thing don’t you!
No, when I was single I didn’t ask anyone not to kiss me, but what if I had? What if I just hated kissing? Surely the other person would be free to either say “that’s weird, jog on” or “okay, let’s try it”?
Why is the no kissing thing any different to, for example, telling someone that they absolutely must not touch your feet during sex because you can’t bear it? Or that you’ll never ever do a certain position even though it’s their favourite?

Again, the no kissing rule was extremely short lived. Nothing more to really say on that.

It’s such a stretch to say I’m objectifying single people, it just shows how little you really understand about the scene I think. Have you considered the fact that most single people looking to meet either couples or one half of a couple are doing so because that’s exactly what they want? Maybe the single really gets off on sex with couples, maybe one half of the couple is a cuck, maybe the single has a busy life and no interest in being anything other than single but still wants a certain type of sex.
swingers meets aren’t generally filled with unsuspecting singles that have stumbled upon it.
Most of the people on the scene are having exactly the kind of sex that they want. That’s to be celebrated no?

“It’s the polys/open relationship types that get right on my tits”
And there we have it🤣 your mind was made up before you even asked me a question, doesn’t matter what I say in response to any of them.

What a lovely thing to say! Thank you. I wasn’t always as level headed, that’s for sure! I’m happy with who I am now.

Good for you OP. Where do you find your partners?

Assuming it’s (at least partly) apps like Feeld - do you have any advice on how to make the best connections / attract the right people?

Did you read all the other similar AMAs first?

Well I didn't, and can't be arsed to find them, so am happy to be entertained and enlightened by OP's experiences.

In any case, everyone has a different story to tell. I'm sure there are a gazillion different ways of approaching this and finding fun or chaos.

but why ? everyone knows the score and everyone is an equal part in the activities ?

@shouldhavebeenkathryn how do you prevent attachments from forming ?

Do you consider yourself to be single and if not, why not?

I'm fine with swingers

Lots of swinging couples have the no kissing rule. It's very common in the swinging scene.

I was in an open relationship as well but ended up with HPV 16 and 18. Big risk for cervical cancer. Kinda sucked the fun out of it for me. We always practiced safe sex and tested negative on STD tests. (HPV testing is done only every so many years with your smear test, and testing for straight men isn’t even offered). Unprotected oral on either sex can be the pathway.

Have you had the HPV shots?