I once attempted suicide AMA

[Coma2017]

Name change for this just incase. I always struggled with my mental health and severely self harmed from ages 12 - 25. I took an overdose in 2017 which put me into a coma. My GCS (Glasgow coma score) was 3 and I wasn't expected to wake up at all, and if I did they suspected brain damage. When I woke up I had lost the abilty to speak or walk properly and lost a lot of weight and muscle mass. It took me years to get back to any sense of "normal". I can walk and talk normally again. AMA.

I’m so sorry that you went through that. I attempted suicide at 14 years old.

What were your families reactions?

My son took an overdose in 2021. Camhs saw him once and discharged him.

Is there anything you wish your relatives had done to help you? I don't know how to help my son sometimes.

Thank you

I’m sorry that you went through all of that.

Were there any warning signs that your friends and family could have seen to know you needed help? Or did you keep it all completely private and they had no idea?

Was it a sudden decision or something you planned in advance?

Since your recovery have you wanted to do it again?

Hopefully that’s not too many questions.

My family never really believed in mental health, they took the brush under the carpet and never told anyone route. After the coma my mam especially was like a woman possessed, she wanted to learn and know everything, she did mental health courses, I moved back in with her and we did "therapy" every day. Completely different woman! The rest of my family don't really talk about it, some of them treat me differently now which I struggle with. I'm sometimes made to be felt like a child

How is your MH now?
what/if any changes have you made to make you feel better?
sorry you went through this x

That's shocking about CAMHS. How is your son now ? I'm so sorry you went through this.

I wish they had believed how I was feeling, my family grew up in a time when mental health or anything "abnormal" was sewpt under the rug.

Sometimes there is no "help", that's the hardest thing. You just have to be there, listen, be empathatic, let him know you don't want to fix him, you just want to support him and help him help himself. Tell him you would judge the worst parts of himself. I wish my mam had just let me feel my emotions, sit in them awhile, learn how to recognise what I was feeling and why.

Yes plenty of warning signs in hindsight. I bought a tattoo gun and started putting random stuff on my skin, my self harmed worsened, they were all aware of this, I had really long hair but I hacked it all off, I stopped eating and lost weight, I pulled away from family and friends.

Erm, both. I planned ahead as in I collected the tablets for a few years. But it was a sudden decision on the day.

Yes I wanted to do it many times, but I had a younger sister and seeing her face during my recovery made me know I couldn't do it again. Which I was angry and bitter about

My mental health is really good right now. I had to "get better" if I ever wanted to be a mother, which was my dream. I now have 2 DC, own my own home and very happy in life.

I had to start from scratch and do some severe recovery therapy, deep soul searching and re learning my whole way of thinking. Normal to me used to be drugs, self harm, dangerous situations and alcohol. I had to become a whole new person, I had to learn what it was like to actually want to be alive. But this started with simple things such as daily washing and self care, writing a diary, eating minimum of one meal a day etc. Which then led to exposure therapy and trauma work. It has taken years and years to get to where I am now

That’s amazing work @Coma2017, well done you x

I.took.od at 14 all.because I felt unloved by my mum I'm.37 now and she still.dont love me.

A close friend attempted suicide and said afterwards that it was like going into a trance, where the only thing they could see was the need to take their life. Was it like that for you?

PS - I'm glad you're still here.

This is heart breaking I'm so sorry 😢 you are not alone 💐
How is your mental health now ? Are you okay ? X

Yes very much so! I can't remember being in the coma, and I can't remember the first few weeks of being awake in ICU, apparently they had no idea what damage I may have done because everything I said sounded insane, almost like a toddler, I babbled. So a said would sound like "mam hsmbgsk bsksmsna gbamakd bye then". I think it's called aphasia ? Which thankfully mine wasn't permanent, the doctors eventually put it down to the drugs still being in my system. From the times I can remember, I was angry, hurt, very much still wanting to die and furious with anyone who said the words "you're so lucky". I felt robbed of my death and completely unlucky, my plan had failed and I was still stuck here fighting the same demons I was trying to get away from x

Thanks for answering. I mean, before you took the overdose, was it like you were in a trance and the only action you saw available to you was to end your life?

I just wondered if it were true that this common before the act, because it would help me understand why my friend didn't even think to call someone. I'd have been there as soon as they called, if they had.

Aw sorry my misunderstanding!

Erm not a trance no, I felt suddenly at peace, calm, happy even. I knew this was what I needed and wanted to do. My body relaxed and I felt overwhelmingly calm about my decision, the process and what needed to happen. Even years later I still don't think I've ever felt more calm than i did in that moment, so maybe it was a trance?

I wouldn't hold it against your friend for not calling you 🫶 the last thing on my mind was help or speaking to anyone, I was alone in my head and nothing could have shaken that feeling x

Thanks for sharing. My friend left a note, so it seems hard to believe she wasn't thinking of other people in that moment.

How do you feel about assisted suicide for mental health issues?

Are you worried you may have passed your mental health issues on to your children? Genetic factors do play a role in the development of mental health conditions.

I left one too. I was writing in my diary and it just naturally turned into a note that I never intended to leave. You sound angry? How are you feeling about it all? When was this x

Torn. I can see both sides. Even though I love my life now, I still struggle with mental health. It sounds insane especially because I have kids now. But if I'd have died then I would still be okay with that, if that makes sense ? I wish I'd had an option like that before me, instead of risking everything taking an overdose. I know people who have tried to end their lives multiple times and have left themselves permanently damaged and it effects every part of their life. If they had the assisted option, at least they know it would work.

Yes and no. I think everyone has mental health, especially in the new generations. The difference being mine wasn't something inherited or anything like schizophrenia, mine was purely environmental factors. After the coma I was diagnosed with complex PTSD and referred to a sexual abuse survivor therapy group which really really helped.
I know many teens who have severe mental health purely down to lockdown, there parents are all fit and well. I think sometimes it's the luck of the draw but also environmental factors play a HUGE part.

Sorry you've been through those very tough times. I hope life is more manageable for you today.

I suffered dreadfully with my mental health in my teenage years including a suicide attempt.(A cry for help really. I didn't want to live as I was living at the time, but didn't know how to not be like that. I always knew there was a different way to live, but didn't know how to access it )

My parents more or less told me off for being "naughty". Never wanted to understand really. I was just seen as an inconvenience to their existence.

We've got a good relationship now and I love them very much. But if I ever have a dip in my mental health, I baton down the hatches and lock myself away until I'm feeling better. I know not to reveal it to them, or anyone else for that matter. I've seen the stigma first hand from the people closest to me as well as wider society.

I've learnt from those younger years that having any "mental" stuff on your records leads to isolation, judgement and puts a "red flag" into friendship and relationships. I've learnt that keeping quiet and masking in those bad days is the best thing for my long term wellbeing in society. There is no real help out there, not genuinely. I learnt there's only one person who can really help me, and that's me. Once you use "the system" as a cushion to fall back on, I think you're forever in it's clutches and become a "relapser" . Hated counselling etc. although for some people it works

I have a couple of questions -
How old were you when you attempted suicide?
How has it affected your ability to get travel insurance or life insurance etc?

My mother killed herself and it affected me very badly, even though I was an adult when it happened. Like you she had a long term plan and had collected the means, but it was a particular day that caused her to snap and make the decision. I found out later she'd messaged an old flame while she was doing it, saying she was, and he didn't reply to her. The hatred I feel for him, and my grief that she messaged him and not me, who would have done something, is something I may never get over.

My question: do you think you could ever try again, now you have children? Even if you felt as bad as you did then - is it even an option on the table when you know what it would do to your children? I self-blamed for a long time, which I only later realised was because I couldn't face up to the pain and betrayal that she had done it even knowing how much it would hurt me. I know it wasn't my choice or 'all about me' but I have my own kids and I'd crawl on glass before I'd leave them without a mum - so I find it so hard to understand or forgive.

I understand where you are coming from, and not too long ago i would have 100% agreed with you. However, it sounds like due to the lack of care and supported, or any type of belief from your parents, you have adopted a hyper independent attitude. You are terrified to show anyone how vulnerable you can be sometimes and that's completely understandable. You have been taught from a young age never to lean on anyone or anything for support. But this is an outdated belief and one that is only of detriment to you. It is actually okay to not be okay, the new generation coming through are amazing with grasping that concept.

My mental health record is a mile long and yes years ago I suffered from discrimination in the NHS, but not these days. I feel very supported and comfortable with my healthy professionals. I've been through 2 pregnancys since the OD and not once have I felt ashamed or judged or anything. I even questioned if social services would be involved and my GP laughed and said "why would we do that". It was a lovely moment.

You are not alone, and I know it's scary, but you really are allowed to have bad days and to take a step back and to fall flat on your face and cry if you need to. Don't hold it all in 🫶