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AMA

I still breastfeed my 5 year-old

1000 replies

TandemFeeder · 05/05/2025 14:10

I’ve had another baby too so am now a tandem feeder. Happy to answer any questions.

OP posts:
IwasDueANameChange · 05/05/2025 20:18

I think there's a few rather extreme ideas that tend to drift around later breastfeeding. Breast feeding beyond 12 months is quite normal. However....some more extreme ideas....

  1. that "tandem" feeding is "natural". It kind of isn't, in that animals basically do not do this (routinely continue feeding offspring from an earlier pregnancy/litter beyond a subsequent pregnancy), and its pretty much unheard of among indigenous tribes as well.
  2. that the natural thing to do is for the child to "self wean" or completely willingly choose to stop. Again... rare in nature. Watch cats and dogs hide or bat away weaning age pups and kits!
  3. that the "natural" age for breastfeeding to continue to is 7.... this is based on this weird combination of metrics around weight & when molars erupt. Most historical & anthropological sources suggest a normal weaning age around 2-3, often coinciding with a new pregnancy.

I do think its odd that a child would still breastfeed for comfort at 6. Oral suckling for comfort is a very basic, reflexive sensory thing, by 6 a child's emotional development should have moved on to where they can be calmed and comforted with hugs, soothing words etc, and can calm themselves somewhat.

AliBaliBee1234 · 05/05/2025 20:19

Leftrightmiddle · 05/05/2025 20:05

Well that's literally impossible data if we have known cases of 4, 5 and 6 year old BF in the UK. 22 months can't be the longest BF rate in the world

doesn't this mean the average? Average in the UK would be nowhere near 4,5 or 6 thankfully

ChinneyTits · 05/05/2025 20:20

This is a really interesting article that looks at historical, cultural and biological factors and weaning ages. But listen to this quote:

”When natural weaning is practiced, complete weaning usually takes place between two and four years of age (12). In western cultures, there remains a relative intolerance to this type of weaning and many mothers who breastfeed older infants and children become ‘closet nursers’. Closet nursing is nursing privately at home in secret and propagates ignorance about breast-feeding duration (10).”

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2720507/

Weaning from the breast - PMC

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2720507/

sellotapechicken · 05/05/2025 20:20

SnakebitesandSambucas · 05/05/2025 18:06

@sellotapechicken blimey your a bit angry. No my oldest is doing what kids do being mischievous and also he's going through the transition of having another sibling. I already told him he's too old to latch on now, as his he is weaned teeth etc. we love our science and biology functions. Plus the idea and the memory compared to the reality of it is very different. As he is starting to talk about crushes etc. For him it's more knowing that his connection and bond with me is still there. My youngest as well she's going through some mild regressions and panics about not being the youngest anymore. It's all natural and normal. Just got to take it in my stride. I personally don't care how anyone feeds their kids. I've got plenty of mum friends who mixed, formula and some exclusively pumped ( that was amazing to me). Main thing I was concerned with how they were. As we all had pnd badly at different stages. For me I couldnt pump I tried but boobs said no. So when emergencies came up baby took a bottle then went back to bf. 🙂. No fuss no worries.

I’m not angry! You’re the one who has a 9 year old talking about re breastfeeding

Lorlorlorikeet · 05/05/2025 20:20

I hadn’t planned to mention them but I know a family and she still feeds all three of her children. They’re five, eight and ten*. They all feed for comfort, ad hoc and all feed at bedtime.

It is a jarring sight when it happens. Especially when two go on at once, as happened at my kid’s birthday party last year, but she’s happy, they seem happy, and she never alludes to it so neither does anyone else it seems. 🤷🏻‍♀️

*this one might still be nine actually.

flufuflu · 05/05/2025 20:23

ChinneyTits · 05/05/2025 19:58

My children haven’t been bullied but I was and it was horrific. The school were useless and I saw them be useless towards other children. So I do get what people are saying. But for me, if I had had one friend, one person who stood by me then it wouldn’t have been so bad. But I wouldn’t change, they picked on me for being different and the things that make me different are still there, I wouldn’t and won’t change for them.

I can’t stop other people bullying, but I want to raise my kids so that when an entire class turns on one kid they don’t join in. They don’t laugh along. They don’t make that one person feel utterly alone. That they understand that people are different and just become someone experiences something different it doesn’t mean they can pick on them. From my own experiences, that is what matters most. And that is what motivates me to feel that way. I’ll always be ‘weird’ and ‘awkward’ so I’ll always defend others getting called ‘weird’ because if we let everyone call those people and those things ‘weird’ and never stand up to it it never changes and I don’t want to have to change to suit other people’s narrowminded nastiness.

Edited

I have raised mine the same - my daughter has had similar issues to you. But if I could go back and change anything so she could've avoided it and the lifetime trauma she's been left with then I would in a heartbeat.

BunnyLake · 05/05/2025 20:23

@sandpiperspring So why has it been societally conditioned? What triggered that?

I think there is nothing wrong in people not being on board with it. Unless it was literal life or death it would never have crossed my mind to do it. I guess you’re either very happy to do it or you’re absolutely not. If you have to do it in a country that has poor nutrition then needs must.

TandemFeeder · 05/05/2025 20:25

Seventree · 05/05/2025 15:45

I find this so interesting. What's your motivation? Since you've started an AMA, I'll ask the question I always wonder but wouldn't be able to ask someone randomly without being rude...

Do you think there is an element of continuing to feed because it makes you feel like you're 'winning' of 'succeeding' by doing it for so long. There's so much positivity around breastfeeding, I remember getting an embarrassing amount of praise from midwives, health visitors, and even friends and family for doing it (maybe rates are lower than normal in my local area?). It made me wonder whether some people continue because they like feeling like they're doing something amazing and praiseworthy or would lose some worth as a mum if they stopped, rather than because they think it's still best for the child? I felt like I had to justify why I'd stopped because of the praise I'd gotten, even though the praise itself made me uncomfortable.

I’d say my main motivation has just been inertia really. If you can even class that as a motivation. DS was happy feeding so the default option was just to continue as it would have taken effort to actually stop.

Having not had the greatest start, I was really delighted early on to be able to keep going, to feel that I was doing something positive for DS and then to wildly exceed my expectations as there were moments when I wasn’t even sure we’d make it to six months. I wouldn’t want that to sound self-congratulatory in a smug way though because breastfeeding at all isn’t for everyone, let alone breastfeeding this long. People have different priorities, different commitments, different levels of support, etc.

There have been many times over the years when I’ve thought we were close to weaning and I would have been OK with that too. When I went abroad for two weeks without him, I was fully prepared for that to be the end. Same when I became pregnant. Same when I was prescribed certain drugs which I initially thought were incompatible with breastfeeding. I suspect he would have weaned by now actually if I hadn’t the new baby.

OP posts:
Lilactimes · 05/05/2025 20:25

yikesnotagain · 05/05/2025 20:11

I liked your funny joke, and it made me think a bit more, so thanks for that!

I guess then we're just objecting to the mechanics, are we? Cow milk is made for cow babies (we artificially impregnate cows yearly and removed their babies while tiny so that we can "harvest" the milk instead). Cow milk obviously comes from cow boobs via cow nipples. We just express it on an industrial scale. Nobody finds that objectively weirder than humans breastfeeding little humans? Is it the nipple usage we object to? And if so, why - because (female - not male, obviously) nipples have become so sexualised in western society? They are literally designed by evolution to be part of an amazing milk delivery system, not just for ogling.

So, would expressing milk to feed an older toddler / younger child therefore be considered totally socially acceptable? All very well if so, but I expressed for a while to top up and my god was it an inefficient pain in the arse by comparison to just breastfeeding (I am completely in awe of women who do exclusively express because they are literal superheroes).

This thread has lots of interesting perspectives and I think OP was quite brave to start it, so thanks OP!

I think the other thing that felt icky for me, the few times I’ve seen this happen, is the slightly proprietary way it was done, the urgency, pulling the shirt, pleading, the mum then not being able to move whilst the kid lies across her.
I wonder if this does affect the child later or if as a mother you need to teach respect when breast feeding to an older child - consent etc…

ChinneyTits · 05/05/2025 20:26

flufuflu · 05/05/2025 20:23

I have raised mine the same - my daughter has had similar issues to you. But if I could go back and change anything so she could've avoided it and the lifetime trauma she's been left with then I would in a heartbeat.

I get that of course. But for me the only way to do that would have been to change myself to be just like them and I couldn’t do that. The stuff stays with you but I think if I had to go back I wouldn’t change that. At least I can hold my head up and say that I remained myself no matter what they did or tried to do.

I’m sorry for your daughter. I hope she finds some peace. X

Beanzmeanz · 05/05/2025 20:28

Im not sure when they finally stopped but my son’s friend was still being BF at 6. It came out at school and everyone was pretty horrified.
There is no need or benefit for it in the western world.
Child is a teen now and one the most poorly children I’ve known constantly getting colds, and chest problems so clearly hasn’t done them any health benefits immunity wise.
Makes me feel a bit Ick to be honest!

AliBaliBee1234 · 05/05/2025 20:29

Miyagi99 · 05/05/2025 20:18

But why would you bother if it’s just for a couple of minutes before bed?

Because I would never in a million years subject breastfeeding to a child who WILL have a memory of it & who is being opened up to terrible bullying at school.

I don't believe it's child led and there is a common theme in these stories and it's mums who have a weird attachment & not wanting to let go.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 05/05/2025 20:30

Justfreedom · 05/05/2025 14:34

Why?
At almost 6 i think school and drinking from cups and eating from plates not being breastfed.
Or am i missing something.

Breastfeeding, school, drinking from cups and eating from plates aren’t mutually exclusive. And they definitely should not be when a child is 5!

I personally don’t quite understand why somebody would breastfeed for that long (I know, indigenous peoples etc. But food scarcity, meeting nutritional needs and or hygiene really shouldn’t be an issue for most people using this website. Hopefully.)

but I wouldn’t be concerned about a partially breastfed child knowing how to use a plate or drink from a cup.

Leftrightmiddle · 05/05/2025 20:30

flufuflu · 05/05/2025 20:23

I have raised mine the same - my daughter has had similar issues to you. But if I could go back and change anything so she could've avoided it and the lifetime trauma she's been left with then I would in a heartbeat.

It's awful when anyone is bullied but generally bullies will find something to bully about. So if it wasn't the hair cut it would be the trainers etc.

Changing yourself or your child to be different may not even stop the bullying but even if it does do you really think someone has to change.

What if they were bullied for being red haired would you colour their hair, or bullied for their skin tone ?

Miyagi99 · 05/05/2025 20:31

BunnyLake · 05/05/2025 20:23

@sandpiperspring So why has it been societally conditioned? What triggered that?

I think there is nothing wrong in people not being on board with it. Unless it was literal life or death it would never have crossed my mind to do it. I guess you’re either very happy to do it or you’re absolutely not. If you have to do it in a country that has poor nutrition then needs must.

Edited

The promotion of formula.

Leftrightmiddle · 05/05/2025 20:31

Beanzmeanz · 05/05/2025 20:28

Im not sure when they finally stopped but my son’s friend was still being BF at 6. It came out at school and everyone was pretty horrified.
There is no need or benefit for it in the western world.
Child is a teen now and one the most poorly children I’ve known constantly getting colds, and chest problems so clearly hasn’t done them any health benefits immunity wise.
Makes me feel a bit Ick to be honest!

Or maybe they would have been much more sick without BM.

BM kept my child healthy enough and maintained a reasonable weight that enabled life saving surgery

TandemFeeder · 05/05/2025 20:33

sellotapechicken · 05/05/2025 15:53

She said she fed him in public at Disney land when he cried so presumably would have no issues whipping a boob out at school pick up and breast feeding him in front of his classmates if he was upset..

No I wouldn’t do that. He was much younger when I fed him at Disney Land, it was a rare exception as he had hurt himself quite badly and we did it discreetly in a corner.

OP posts:
bluesinthenight · 05/05/2025 20:33

HiddenInCubeOfCheese · 05/05/2025 14:25

So when will you stop?

When he goes to university.

BertieBotts · 05/05/2025 20:34

Been avoiding this thread all day because I know I get wound up by people having shocked reactions, but here we go (I can always hide it, I suppose!)

I fed DS1 until he naturally self weaned, he was about 4y3m when I realised he hadn't fed for a while. I had a ten year gap to the next child (because of new relationship) and DS1, then aged 12, asked me when babies usually stop breastfeeding - he had absolutely no memory of himself feeding until age 4.

Not that I think it would be harmful or weird to have a memory of it. But if you're worried - that's what happened with us.

I fed DS2 until he was 2.5, considered tandem feeding but in the end pregnancy aversion made it terrible so I kept cutting feeds short and he lost interest. DS3 stopped somewhere around age 3. I couldn't put an exact date on it, it was somewhere around last Autumn, but the thing is when they are that age, it's a bit like "when did you stop using a buggy" - there's a period of their life where it's an essential and you never go anywhere without it, and then as they get better at walking you find you leave it at home for some trips and then one day you just realise you haven't needed it for ages and you might as well pack it away.

Interestingly I had the younger two in Germany and I experienced far less negativity and weirdness around it. I found people, including some HCPs in the UK were quite frequently baffled at the concept of me breastfeeding at all (which might have been because I was a young mum) and especially so past 6 months. Then past 12 months it seemed like everyone was deeply uncomfortable with the whole thing, and there was a really awkward bit between 12-24 months where I felt like I didn't want to stop because it was working well for us at home and I knew that it was beneficial, but he had no sense of privacy or waiting until we got home and I found it very embarrassing when he would ask to feed in public. Post age 2, most people assumed that if he was ever breastfed it had stopped over a year ago and he only really fed at bedtime, so it stopped being an issue, unless I had to mention it for some reason and then people were usually very surprised. I was very grateful when a local branch of LLL opened up and I didn't feel like such an outlier! But I did have the oldest nursling there when it opened, aside from one of the leaders.

OTOH in Germany nobody cared about feeding in public even when they were older and when I mentioned it in an apologetic way (e.g. to nursery staff, paediatrician, colleagues explaining why I was tired) even when they were 2 or 3 I noticed that I didn't need the apologetic tone because nobody was surprised or shocked or thought it was a problem. They weren't even congratulatory which I did get a couple of times in the UK - it is just a normal unremarkable thing here, which I like. The only one time I had a confused reaction was when I went for an eye test with a ~6mo DS3 in tow and the optician recommended I should wait to buy glasses until I had stopped breastfeeding because it can change your vision (and she's right, it has changed). She was a bit taken aback when I said - well I fed my other child for 2 years, so I will buy these glasses now and just change them later. But she wasn't scandalised by it, just slightly surprised as though it was a new idea.

katepilar · 05/05/2025 20:34

Eventer22 · 05/05/2025 16:20

Well, it seems to be some sort of campaign to encourage breastfeeding rather than someone asking AIBU?
I say that as those who are registering concerns about it are shut down and their opinions insulted.
So I am not sure this is a thread about any issue the OP has, but a campaign to encourage later age breastfeeding. Not a AIBU. As she really doesn't think it is. She is very clear she thinks it is absolutely what everyone should be doing.

Its not AIBU, its AMA. Ask me anything.

Lilactimes · 05/05/2025 20:35

sandpiperspring · 05/05/2025 20:07

In what way do you think it would have affected you?

Both my DC remember BFing. They have no shame attached to it, it's a fond memory for them, or so they tell me anyway.

If you think that's icky, you're probably reflecting societal conditioning around breasts being sexualised. But the thing is, if you see them as being for the function nature actually evolved them for - i.e. BFing, then your perception shifts, it doesn't feel icky anymore.

I just added this to another post but meant to reply here!! 🤪
I think the other thing that felt icky for me, the times I’ve seen this happen, is the slightly proprietary way it was done, the urgency, pulling the shirt, pleading, the mum then not being able to move whilst the kid lies across her.
I wonder if this does affect the child later or if as a mother you need to teach respect when breast feeding to an older child - consent, manners etc…

TandemFeeder · 05/05/2025 20:36

proximalhumerous · 05/05/2025 15:55

So why don't you wean him? Presumably as the adult you make plenty of other decisions which aren't exactly what he would choose?

Because, whilst it’s my preference, it’s not a strong enough preference to actually do anything about it.

OP posts:
BunnyLake · 05/05/2025 20:37

TandemFeeder · 05/05/2025 20:25

I’d say my main motivation has just been inertia really. If you can even class that as a motivation. DS was happy feeding so the default option was just to continue as it would have taken effort to actually stop.

Having not had the greatest start, I was really delighted early on to be able to keep going, to feel that I was doing something positive for DS and then to wildly exceed my expectations as there were moments when I wasn’t even sure we’d make it to six months. I wouldn’t want that to sound self-congratulatory in a smug way though because breastfeeding at all isn’t for everyone, let alone breastfeeding this long. People have different priorities, different commitments, different levels of support, etc.

There have been many times over the years when I’ve thought we were close to weaning and I would have been OK with that too. When I went abroad for two weeks without him, I was fully prepared for that to be the end. Same when I became pregnant. Same when I was prescribed certain drugs which I initially thought were incompatible with breastfeeding. I suspect he would have weaned by now actually if I hadn’t the new baby.

I hope this doesn’t sound rude as it’s really not meant to but are you saying it was really just down to laziness and not some ‘health mission’?

It made me think of my friend and our dogs housetraining. I went all in with the house training and my dog was housetrained at 12 weeks. My friend was very half arsed, didn’t put the work in and her dog never learnt.

XelaM · 05/05/2025 20:39

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