Former Foster Kid ... AMA

[bracemyselfagain]

First taken into emergency care at 7yrs old ...

I'm a foster carer. The child we foster came to us and emergency placement when he was 6. He's 18 now. He has significant learning disabilities because his birth mother took drugs and binge drank alcohol throughout her pregnancy. We took the decision not to foster until my own DC had got to GCSE age. I've found foster children need your entire attention and care to flourish. Our foster child has been embraced by both DH and my wider family. One of my DS's is his respite carer if we want a couple week end. Our foster child has always come on family holidays and things like weddings with us. It never crossed our minds not to include him. He sees my DC as his siblings. He sees my sisters as his Aunties and my MiL as his Nan. He is given the same Xmas and birthday budget as my DC gets. He's 18 now but Will live with us as long as he chooses to. It makes me angry when we attend foster adverts and find a few foster carers have asked an 18 year old to leave just so they get paid to foster a younger child with little regard for their former foster child who can be alone in a flat at Xmas. I drive FC about 80 miles a day to a specialist college and back in the evening. We love him. He's not always been an easy child to raise but he has always been a very rewarding child to raise. I worry about foster children who go from one foster carer to another never having a permanent base and carer. This often means they have to go from school to school too so can't keep friends. Many foster children have behaviour problems due to their early deprivations/neglect. Our foster child can't remember a time he did not live with us so he doesn't have behaviour issues. I honestly think of him as my fourth child.

If there's one thing I've learned, is that it takes more than blood to be a mother and blood does not make you family.

You are his mother.
You are his family.

Hi OP, thank you so much for posting this. Is there anything in particular that your social workers did that you found helpful or unhelpful?

@Taleas0ldastime

As a child, no. I feel they did well.
But then I grew up.

I wish social workers could've understood that just because a woman is crying in front of them, insisting that she's doing her best & her children always come first ... dosnt make it true.
Looking back, I can see 8/10 of the workers assigned to my mother were very easily manipulated.

Thank you OP for sharing your story so openly and honestly. I just wanted to echo what others have said and feel glad that you now have a life of peace and contentment ❤️

I wanted to ask if you talk about your childhood in real life with people now? Will you ever share your story with your own children when they are old enough to understand? X

@QuackADoodleDoooo Apologies! I’ve only just checked this after so long …
Yes, I do speak somewhat openly about my childhood, but not to anyone/everyone. I remain quite guarded.
I will, one day, talk to my children about my own life experience, but only when the time is right (whenever that will be) it’s important to me that they know that not every child is as fortunate as them, and there is always a bigger picture when it comes to life, people and how we all deal with things differently - and why.

Thank you for your AMA.

Is there anything that could be done that you think would help children like you in the future? Do you think social workers take children away at the right time?

How are your siblings?

I was also a LAC. So much of what you say resonates very hard. I’m so glad you have found peace. ❤️ Thank you for sharing. x

If I can ask a question, how has it affected your relationships as an adult - romantically and friends?

@Newsenmum

I actually think Children’s Services act too late the majority of the time.
I somewhat get it; the paperwork, communications time, waiting lists, budget cuts, overloaded with cases etc.

My siblings and I aren’t particularly close as adults and we go months on end without really communicating.
We do make an effort for our children on their Birthdays and Xmas.
We’re all quite different personality wise too, but one thing we all do have in common is the ability to laugh and make fun of ourselves.

@R0ckandHardPlace

Sending love & support to you too 💝

When I was in my teens and early twenties I was terrible at keeping friendships - I was all over the place inside my head and it showed. I (admittedly) was disloyal and would often let them down. I would make plans with them and just not show up, I’d spill their secrets like it was nothing. I knew nothing of loyalty & integrity - I am ashamed of myself for that & really wish I knew better at the time.
Romantically, I’ve had 2 serious relationships in my life (I’m 36 now) … my first relationship was awful, the examples set to me as a child were awful & a lot of bad things I deemed as normal. My second relationship was better because I knew myself, I had already engaged in therapy, worked on my self esteem etc.
In between those relationships were drunken one night stands. I was celebrate for 6yrs whilst I engaged with the therapy.

Today I have soooo many shameful memories! I have said and done things I will NEVER be proud of, but I accept that I cannot change those things. I wouldn’t say I embrace them as such, but I don’t run away from them either. I did it. It happened. That was then. This now.
You can’t dislike me for it any more than I dislike myself for it.