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AMA

Former Foster Kid ... AMA

61 replies

bracemyselfagain · 15/10/2024 15:32

First taken into emergency care at 7yrs old ...

OP posts:
User37482 · 15/10/2024 19:52

I’m very sorry for your childhood OP, it shouldn’t happen.

Are you close to your siblings now?

FerminRomeroDeTorres · 15/10/2024 19:53

Thanks @bracemyselfagain. Sibling is 27 - still living at home and unlikely to be able to live independently for some time. Struggled academically due to neglect issues in early years and the ongoing affects and left school with minimal qualifications. Mental health is poor. No engagement with therapy - would struggle with that. Parents are now both mid 70s and struggling with declining health. None of the rest of us siblings live close by (all a minimum of 90min drive away) and all have our own families and busy jobs. No idea what will happen in the next decade

bracemyselfagain · 15/10/2024 19:57

@Elzzup

There's a hell of a lot more in place for care leavers now than there was when I left - which I am genuinely pleased about.
I think maybe an 'open door' type policy in regards to therapy; not just for when they're in the process of leaving care, but for years later.
I refused to engage in therapy when I was young, I finally accessed it when I was in a mid to late 20's because that was when I was finally ready to accept support.
So, as much as I'm all for support for young care leavers, I don't think there's half of much support for the fully grown care leavers, if you get what I mean?

Making young people aware of what a cycle of abuse can look like I think is extremely important, because abuse can take many forms.
Work around different emotions too - being able to name & understand those emotions is important too I think. I personally went into complete dissociation because I had no idea what I was feeling. Dissociation is something I fall into even to this day.
And of course, being allowed to feel those emotions.

OP posts:
BrightGreenLeaves · 15/10/2024 19:57

Would you ever want to be a foster carer?

TheSnugHare · 15/10/2024 19:58

Was it like the dumping ground

bracemyselfagain · 15/10/2024 20:05

RaspberryBeretxx · 15/10/2024 19:52

Are you in touch with your mum now? What do you think of her? How are your brothers?

It’s awful that your foster parents didn’t hug you. I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through but also happy for you that you made peace with it.

Yes we're in touch ... sort of.
We don't have a relationship though; she went on to have 5 more kids after us first 3 and it's because of my younger siblings, me and her are still in touch.

We don't call eachother at the end of our day, don't do anything really, we go weeks sometimes month without talking and it's all just BS chit chat when we see eachother, my own children have absolutely no clue who she really is.

OP posts:
bracemyselfagain · 15/10/2024 20:08

User37482 · 15/10/2024 19:52

I’m very sorry for your childhood OP, it shouldn’t happen.

Are you close to your siblings now?

We don't talk or see eachother often, but when we do it's always full of laughs! We do get on really well as adults but we don't have what you'd call 'closeness'
We all have children of our own and we never miss the birthdays, and all make a real effort with the kids at Xmas.

OP posts:
bracemyselfagain · 15/10/2024 20:10

FerminRomeroDeTorres · 15/10/2024 19:53

Thanks @bracemyselfagain. Sibling is 27 - still living at home and unlikely to be able to live independently for some time. Struggled academically due to neglect issues in early years and the ongoing affects and left school with minimal qualifications. Mental health is poor. No engagement with therapy - would struggle with that. Parents are now both mid 70s and struggling with declining health. None of the rest of us siblings live close by (all a minimum of 90min drive away) and all have our own families and busy jobs. No idea what will happen in the next decade

I was 28 when I decided to take control.

My life was mine. I only wish I'd realised that so much sooner though.

OP posts:
bracemyselfagain · 15/10/2024 20:12

BrightGreenLeaves · 15/10/2024 19:57

Would you ever want to be a foster carer?

I'm unsure.

I'm mid 30's and my own children are still very young, they are my priority right now 😊

OP posts:
bracemyselfagain · 15/10/2024 20:13

@TheSnugHare
Not as a young child
As an adolescent, it felt that way.

OP posts:
bracemyselfagain · 15/10/2024 20:18

@RaspberryBeretxx

Your other question; what do I think of her?

Nothing.
I have no hate for her, but I have no compassion for her either. I don't view her as my mother at all, when things go wrong in my life I never think - OMG I need to ring me mum!!
She just kinda exists in my life and that's about it.

OP posts:
SagittariusUprising · 15/10/2024 20:20

My husband and I have often thought about becoming foster carers, but it wouldn’t be for some time as our children are still too young.

What advice would you give someone who is thinking of becoming an carer? And how can foster carers help the children feel as welcomed and comfortable as possible?

Cupofteaandbiscuits · 15/10/2024 20:26

Is there anything you would have wanted teachers to do or not do when you were taken into care? X

bracemyselfagain · 15/10/2024 20:55

SagittariusUprising · 15/10/2024 20:20

My husband and I have often thought about becoming foster carers, but it wouldn’t be for some time as our children are still too young.

What advice would you give someone who is thinking of becoming an carer? And how can foster carers help the children feel as welcomed and comfortable as possible?

Depending on their age ...

Younger children; just let them be kids.
Even in the healthiest environments, kids are messy, forgetful, cheeky/rude, sometimes disrespectful, they push boundaries, get scared/anxious etc ... many emotions will very likely be stronger in children coming from unstable backgrounds, they will push you harder; but just remember they're only kids and most behaviours are learned. All kids love and trust unconditionally until suddenly they don't.

If you find yourself with one that don't want to eat their carrots ... ask yourself, have they ever even had carrots before? Have they ever sat up to a table to eat or have they always ate on the floor or sofa in front of the TV? Might sound odd, but it really can sometimes be the case.

Older kids (adolescents); all of the above, times a trillion!!
Kids that have been exposed to sexual abuse don't really understand what sexual abuse is, but an adolescent does.
A young child that's been hit will likely retreat immediately and then (when safe enough to do so) will literally bend over backwards to feel love again, an adolescent is fucking pissed off about it, about not being strong enough to fight back, or strong enough to hold back their tears. Their awareness is so so much more in depth.
Again, even in the healthiest of environments, teens are difficult, all those hormones teens have anyway, plus now you have social media ... boys feeling the need to be masculine, girls feeling unpretty or fat ... all that with a distorted view on what love & support is ... they're (I'd say) the most vulnerable.

I think it's amazing your even thinking about doing fostering 🫶

OP posts:
bracemyselfagain · 15/10/2024 21:04

Cupofteaandbiscuits · 15/10/2024 20:26

Is there anything you would have wanted teachers to do or not do when you were taken into care? X

In primary school, give me a cuddle and ask me if I'm okay - in private, not in front of my peers.

In secondary school, same as the above, but a little more 'tread lightly' vibe if that makes sense.

Just being told that you're there for them, makes a real difference. And more likely to open up to you over time. All children need to bond, as babies we seek it, as do toddlers ... even as adults we seek it!
Human interaction is so important for so many reasons; a child feeling unloved and alienated will still seek that human connection (maybe even more) ... and it won't matter to them where they feel that connection, in a good place or a bad place, it's a connection.

OP posts:
SagittariusUprising · 15/10/2024 21:05

bracemyselfagain · 15/10/2024 20:55

Depending on their age ...

Younger children; just let them be kids.
Even in the healthiest environments, kids are messy, forgetful, cheeky/rude, sometimes disrespectful, they push boundaries, get scared/anxious etc ... many emotions will very likely be stronger in children coming from unstable backgrounds, they will push you harder; but just remember they're only kids and most behaviours are learned. All kids love and trust unconditionally until suddenly they don't.

If you find yourself with one that don't want to eat their carrots ... ask yourself, have they ever even had carrots before? Have they ever sat up to a table to eat or have they always ate on the floor or sofa in front of the TV? Might sound odd, but it really can sometimes be the case.

Older kids (adolescents); all of the above, times a trillion!!
Kids that have been exposed to sexual abuse don't really understand what sexual abuse is, but an adolescent does.
A young child that's been hit will likely retreat immediately and then (when safe enough to do so) will literally bend over backwards to feel love again, an adolescent is fucking pissed off about it, about not being strong enough to fight back, or strong enough to hold back their tears. Their awareness is so so much more in depth.
Again, even in the healthiest of environments, teens are difficult, all those hormones teens have anyway, plus now you have social media ... boys feeling the need to be masculine, girls feeling unpretty or fat ... all that with a distorted view on what love & support is ... they're (I'd say) the most vulnerable.

I think it's amazing your even thinking about doing fostering 🫶

Thank you 🫶 This is such a useful insight

something2say · 15/10/2024 21:20

Awww what a great AMA!!

OP, I was a battered child and wish I'd gone into care!!!

As it was I finally left home at just 17 and that's when things started to improve.

I get what you say about us 'needing therapy.' !!! Lol

I worked for a long time for a charity that helps people flee. It helped me come to terms with what had happened to me.

X

bracemyselfagain · 15/10/2024 21:28

@something2say

Ahh I'm truly happy for you!
I wish you all the love and happiness in the world ❤️

OP posts:
something2say · 15/10/2024 21:30

You too xxx

AvonCallingBarksdale · 15/10/2024 21:31

Great AMA thank you. An extended family member on DH’s side had 4 DC with his partner. All the DC have been taken into care and all siblings split up. Their grandmother who is only in her early 50s apparently refused to take any of the DC in but used to visit them in care when they were younger. It makes me incredibly sad - was there an option ever for you to live permanently with other family members?
A friend of mine lived with us for about a year when we were 16 - did you have school friends that you could confide in about what was going on?

bracemyselfagain · 15/10/2024 21:42

AvonCallingBarksdale · 15/10/2024 21:31

Great AMA thank you. An extended family member on DH’s side had 4 DC with his partner. All the DC have been taken into care and all siblings split up. Their grandmother who is only in her early 50s apparently refused to take any of the DC in but used to visit them in care when they were younger. It makes me incredibly sad - was there an option ever for you to live permanently with other family members?
A friend of mine lived with us for about a year when we were 16 - did you have school friends that you could confide in about what was going on?

No family members came forward with a permanent placement/solution for us; but lived with my Nan & Grandad on/off for many years. We moved around continuously.

Friends in school?
Yes, a few.
But in all honesty, I just couldn't keep healthy connections with people. I feel like I either overshared & became too much, or was completely closed off & pushed them away.
By the time I was 15 I was casually smoking and drinking, never cared about school or how it would affect me academically in the future.
I got into College but dropped out within 8w, I just really couldn't commit to anything properly.

OP posts:
AvonCallingBarksdale · 15/10/2024 21:46

@bracemyselfagain i really hope you are happy now ❤️

bracemyselfagain · 15/10/2024 21:56

AvonCallingBarksdale · 15/10/2024 21:46

@bracemyselfagain i really hope you are happy now ❤️

I am. I've truly found peace.
I still have my moments, but as I've learned, don't we all? 🙂

OP posts:
Luddite26 · 15/10/2024 22:13

I am so sorry this happened to you OP. I hope you can I've your best life now and be happy always with your own children. It shouldn't happen.♥️

jellybeanlover2 · 15/10/2024 22:27

Thank you for posting this @bracemyselfagain, I wish you peace and happiness ❤️