Former Foster Kid ... AMA

[bracemyselfagain]

First taken into emergency care at 7yrs old ...

Do you think it was the right decision that you were taken into care?

I heard a really interesting interview talking about the language used around children in care and things like "LAC review" being so impersonal that the child felt almost dehumanised. Is that something that resonates or not?

@Diggby

Yes, although at that particular time it was the only decision that could've been made.

I understand how the term 'LAC' can seem like an alienation to a child, and I do remember feeling slightly brushed aside as an individual when I'd heard it said about me, it bothered me far more when I was in adolescence.

Did you ever return to your family?

@SingingSands

Yes, returned to mothers care a couple of months afterwards; from then we were back & forth from my Grandparents home (instead of care with strangers again) until I was 13 when I placed with an outside family for over 3yrs.

Was it unexpected/sudden when you had to go?

Did you feel scared/confused or did you feel care/comfort from the foster family? Cant imagine what runs through the mind of a 7 year old in that situation!

@galaxyglitz

So confused at first; nobody ever answered my question "why?"
I had an older brother and a younger brother, my youngest brother and I went one place, older brother went another (as an adult I now understand that finding emergency care for 3 kids is terribly hard) we saw each other only in school.

Never felt 'cared for' or 'loved' there, looking back I can now see that they didn't want to get too close - never engaged in long conversation or played board games with us etc.
It made my experience far worse, just never felt welcome and I missed my mum terribly.

I used to work with Looked After Children. One told me that the first night in any foster home, he would smash up his room. In the morning, if the FP rang SS and told them to take him away, he knew they were in it for the money. If they sat with him and said "so, Martin, why did you do that?" He would apologise and behave himself 100% whilst with them, because they'd shown that they cared. It's never left me. Does that resonate at all with you?

@StMarieforme

Yes it absolutely does.
In my first placement they were just cold and only really gave 'Yes' or 'No' answers, as I said above, never engaged in a long/deep conversation or played games etc. Felt even more unwanted than I did when I first arrived.

Gosh that's so sad! especially sad at having to be split up.
I have always wondered about what it's like being a foster carer and imagined I'd just want to give everyone a huge hug and make them feel as cared foras possible in the short/long time they could be with you. But I guess each situation is different and complex.

@galaxyglitz

If a young person or child classed as 'LAC' or one just going through any difficult time, allows you to give them a hug, give them a hug.

The social worker gave me a hug when she dropped us off, never had another for weeks.

I understand now there's a lot more stigma attached to hugging children that aren't your own and I understand why - but I only understand why because I'm an adult myself, as a child (especially one that's scared and confused) and there own parent isn't around to be there for them ... just give the kid a hug, they will remember who gave them warmth when everything else was so cold.

Theres a teacher in my memory, and she'll be in my memory forever, just because she was kind to me that night. I can't for the life of me remember her name, but I remember her.

Hi OP. Do you think Cathy Glass gives a realistic view of fostering (if you are familiar with her writing)?

@Sethera

I am familiar, but haven't fully read anything of hers. I avoid certain things (triggers) as an adult.
But from what I am familiar with does resonate somewhat; however, the system today is VERY different to how it used to be.
What some people got away with is tragic, and the mainstream media only report on a small percentage of cases even now; mostly the ones that ended in truly horrific ways, from my point of view, the system finally began to slowly get better in the early 2000's - it still needs a lot of work! But before then it was much easier for a parent to manipulate a social worker - I watched my mother do it endlessly.

Hi OP, thank you for doing this AMA.

Please don't answer the following question(s)if it is not appropriate.

In hindsight, are you glad you went in care instead of the home environment you lived in ?
Was there anything in the way of support that professionals / extended family/friends could have done to keep you and your siblings together at home. I appreciate it is not always possible to keep families together .

(Ofcourse Ignore the above if there was any form of abuse or there were other safety elements).

@bracemyselfagain I can see how some of her books might be triggering, sorry if that was a tactless question . It's good that things have started to get better in the last 20 years or so.

Are you glad you went back home and then spent time with wider family? In other words - Are you glad SS did everything they could
to keep the family together rather than taking the easier way out and putting you in a long term placement at a younger age?

(I come at this from the perspective of someone who has an adopted sibling who was initially fostered by our parents. They have struggled significantly in life due to the neglect they suffered over the first few years of their life while SS were determined to keep them with their birth parents, and then over later years as it was an open adoption so contact with birth parents was retained which was never in my sibling’s best interest.)

I take my hat off to good foster carers - I know many who have made really positive impacts on the lives of young people. Two of my aunts/uncles also fostered for many years and those children were always welcomed into our wider family completely. In contrast, we’ve also been aware of plenty who are def only in it for the money. I knew of one who had a long term placement with a child (she went to them at age 9 and stayed until she aged out at 16) - she was never included in a single
family event and was put into respite care for weddings etc as well as for Christmas every other year too. It was horrible.

@2025mama

At the time, no. There was nothing anyone could've done to keep us together or prevent it from happening. We moved from England to Wales, all close family were in England, and completely oblivious to it. My mums parents were always concerned for us kids, but it's hard to keep tabs on things when we'd moved so far away and they (at the time) only had a phone number - which was only a landline back then.

We were taken into emergency care for abuse, neglect and child abandonment. There were reports from school to social services, who were slowly investigating the situation, but what finally done it was she never picked us up from school. The school then contacted social services, who made the decision.

Did you age out of the system or go back to your family as a teen?

EDIT: did you live independently or go back to family?

At the time I was elated to be reunited with my mum. From then on, I lied to every social worker I ever met, just because I feared I'd be taken away again.
As an adult, I wish I'd been placed for the long term. My life would've been so so much better.

Told them I was living with my mum at 16, I was actually living with my then boyfriend.
My mum corroborated this because she could claim benefits and no one from the LA checked.

I hope you have been able to build a happy life as an adult @bracemyselfagain. I understand the difference in perspective as an adult. Appreciate the willingness to answer questions. All the best to you for a happy, healthy, secure future

@FerminRomeroDeTorres

It took me a long time but I am happy and also at peace with it all - I think that's why I'm able to be such an open book about it now, peace.

I wasnt happy with the cards I was dealt, but I played my hand regardless 😂

@bracemyselfagain this gives me hope for my sibling.

Thus makes me feel so sad for you. My parents fostered when I was a child (this was at a time before there was any pay, they got a small amount to cover expenses only)
I always thought of every single child that came through our door as my sibling, I absolutely loved having them there. I never noticed any difference in the way my parents treated any of us and I really dearly hope the Foster children didn't see a difference either. They were always a full part of our family and included in all family events.
Do you think more could be done for care leavers when they age out of the system? Can you make any suggestions of what this could look like? (I've been looking at getting involved in a charity that helps young care leavers as I'm not in a position to become a Foster carer unfortunately)

I don't know how old your sibling is, or anything else about them.
But time really is the key.

When I was younger, I refused to engage in therapy.
Firstly because I was adamant I didn't need it - I genuinely felt like I just never needed too.
Then I went into denial about it.
Then I got angry about it; I knew by that point deep down I needed the therapy, but there was a massive part of me that was thinking ...
"She's the one who had us kids and abused us"
"She's the one who ..." but IM THE ONE who needs therapy!? WTF!? ...

Does that make sense?
Like, there was real anger and torment in me, not just from my previous experiences, but because therapy is suggested to me. It's hard to articulate.
It really is a case of being ready and being in acceptance ...

I genuinely wish your sibling all the very best 🫶

Are you in touch with your mum now? What do you think of her? How are your brothers?

It’s awful that your foster parents didn’t hug you. I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through but also happy for you that you made peace with it.