I work in a boarding school -AMA

[SkygardenTower]

I know this is a topic of interest for many. I am a teacher at a boarding school and happy to answer and (polite and reasonable) questions.

Do you have any tips for the best way for parents to help a new boarder settle in?

It doesn’t suit all students or all families. If a students is unhappy then we will work with a student and thier parents to find a solution. Sometimes that means a change of school to a day school near home.

Thanks, @SkygardenTower . I think that's a wise response.

While being positive about going Listen if they are upset without trying to jolly them along and dismiss their concerns. Speak to the house parents/ matrons/ tutor who will keep at extra look out. Girls bring more stuff to decorate those dorms. Boys less so but a familiar (non embarrassingly) duvet cover is good. Tuck money and turn up too early matches.

We try hard to spot them early as we are very aware they are contagious and you don’t want a competitive undereating situation developing.

There are increasing numbers in boss and girls matching the national pattern after lockdown.

We have a great team at the med centre to support those students with disordered eating as best we can.

Do you think boarders tend to be better prepared for heading off to uni and being independent as they have had to learn to manage without their parents already?

Generally yes. They know how to muddle along with others, how to make a room feel homely.

But in some ways no - if full boarders they don’t cook their own meals or do laundry so can lack those skills.

Guessing you're not in the UK then, v normal perception/ standard joke amongst boarding school parents 😘

It sounds like you have a good pastoral care set up and good safeguarding.

Do they have any opportunity to do those type of things (cooking outside of lessons, doing their own laundry, housework etc)? If not why not if the school is acting in loco parents.

As your school is mixed day and boarding - do you find the children make good friendships between the two groups, or does it tend to be rather cliquey?

Do the children play tricks on you like in Mallory Towers

I love how people are quick to judgement when boarding school is mentioned. Very few parents have children who board so it’s considered a safe target. Nowadays many pupils are weekly boarders and much of the later afternoon is spent on extracurricular activities, the same as many pupils who don’t board.

If someone was to point out that many babies and very young children spend the majority of the time they are actually awake in group care settings, cared for mainly by young, inexperienced staff, and consider what the effect on those children could be, that would go down like a lead balloon. Because that’s something many parents on Mumsnet do, whether out of choice or whether they consider it a necessity.

My son is moving from a private school with boarding facilities (but just 3m away) to go to a state boarding 6th form school - partly because he’s been a sibling carer for an older ASD/ADHD sibling with MH issues and wants some space and autonomy but also because he is ASD/ADHD and wants to develop independence and social skills (very hard to socialise independently with private school kids that commute in or board). What do you advise we, as parents, can do to support him so that he has the best and most positive experience (other than not demand multiple texts a day and constantly badgering him to check that he’s okay!)

he has needed support organising himself, remembering texts/deadlines and sometimes has to be told firmly to have a bloody shower… so am a little worried as he’s doing 4 A Levels and wants to go to med school one day!

Thanks OP. How do you see boarding impact the relationship between children and their parents?

We are a mix but everyone is part of a boarding house (no day house) and everyone is treated the same. Cliches are more likely to form around sports or other interests rather than boarding/ non boarding.

No tricks played on staff. Some tricks played on each other but usually stopped as soon as identified as there is usually a power imbalance/ tricks always going in 1 way so very much frowned upon.

“Banter” is the bane of my life.

Talk to the staff in advance. He won’t be the only person who needs reminding to have a shower. At my school the expectation is every night but there are some who try to skip it.

Encourage him to get into a routine using any free period to study and using the time in the evening. If he can get a routine going quickly it always helps. Emphasis no gaming until prep is done. (1hr independent study to every hour in class). You can keep an eye on the school y electronic interface but this is used less for 6th form.

Maybe set times he had to contact you the first few weeks so you don’t worry about lack of contact. Though he can always contact you more if he wishes.

Would you choose boarding school for your own child over a good day school nearby?

(Assuming finances allowed for either and no logistical “need” for boarding)

If so, why?

if there is a lot of teenage tension at home it can hugely strengthen it as the pressure is off and everyone gets some breathing space.

I haven’t noticed any who have resented being sent to the school (though I am sure there are some) but if they do that must have an effect.

Mine went to the school I teach at and were day pupils as we live very near by. I did board occasionally and if the set up had been different then yes I work have considered flexi or weekly boarding.

What do you think motivates parents to give away so much time with their child? Do they truly believe it's best for them and they are being unselfish or do you think they struggle to parent and so choose a different solution?

I'm not judging the second type BTW. Parenting is hard and boarding school would be respite to those struggling

I don’t have a question but I just wanted to echo what you are saying. My son went to boarding school at 14, we’re not rich at all he went on a 100% full scholarship. He absolutely loved it, he had brilliant male role models in his house masters (which he didn’t have at home) all the house parents/teachers were amazing. He still drops into his old school to see them at least a few times a year and speaks so fondly about them all.

None of the kids or parents at his school in anyway snobby despite many of them being very wealthy. At 25 he’s a well adjusted young man who had an amazing time at school. I don’t know why some people think boarding school is such a bad thing.

Well then, you have a very limited imagination. There are many, many reasons why parents choose boarding for their children, 'sending them away,' demonstrates a limited understanding of lives that may not look like yours. I imagine going to the local comp also has an impact - all experience does. For a great many the impact of the local comp will not be a good one. If I'm being honest, I can't imagine why so many shrug their shoulders and accept it when there are other options (not suggesting boarding is for everyone btw) but most people go with the flow and smugly judge other who don't while seeming proud of their lack of imagination.

What happens to little ones when they wake up ill during the night? 😢