I am the child of a cheating husband and the OW, AMA

[wednesdayaffairnc]

My dad was married with 2 children. He had an affair, my mum was the OW. They got married and had me, they are still married 30 years on.

Inspired by another thread I just saw, I thought my perspective might be interesting for some people.

AMA

Do you have any contact with your step siblings?

Half siblings

Do you have any conflicting feelings towards your father knowing that he cheated on his wife and then left her and broke up the family home to be with your mum?

Do your half siblings resent you? How old were they when your dad left them?

Do you consider your Dad to be a "good" man?

And if so, does it overly concern you that any "good" man you get into a relationship with would cheat on you?

Have you/ anyone close to you ever been cheated on so you've witnessed the devastation it causes first hand and if so, has it changed your opinion of your parents?

What problems has this situation caused you, if any?

Has their been any relationship or backlash from your dads ex wife and older dc?

How has this effected you growing up?

What's the relationship like between your dad and his first wife, and between your mum and your dad's first wife?

Oops.

Has your Mum ever talked about why she was willing to get into a relationship with a married man? Did she have low self-esteem, for example, and he paid her attention?
I’m asking because my Mum always drummed into me that I should have the self-respect not to let myself be treated like this and I’ve said the same to my DD. If their relationship isn’t over, it’s no go, iyswim.

*By over, I mean until their divorce is finalized.

From my dad's side, no. Not anymore. I did when I was a child up to being around 17 but stopped after that. My dad still sees one of them, but had a falling out with the other.

I am extremely close to my siblings from my mums side, she had 3 children from her first marriage before she met my dad.

Yes , definitely. I can't understand it at all.

I remember finding out really vividly. I must have been a really switched on 9 (ish) year old. We were in the car and he was referencing something that had happened before I was born. I realised the years didn't make sense and I called him on it. That's when he explained. I remember sensing he was embarrassed. He made some excuses and I remember thinking the excuses were stupid.

We don't have a very close relationship now.

@ExcitedButNervous0424 I'm not sure how old they were, I think they must have been pre teens. A horrible age for it to happen.

I remember them liking me when I was little, they were certainly never outwardly mean to me. But as I grew up there was no meaningful relationship there and it just kind of felt uncomfortable. I haven't seen either of them for just under 10 years and would feel awkward if we met now.

Have you/ anyone close to you ever been cheated on so you've witnessed the devastation it causes first hand and if so, has it changed your opinion of your parents?

No I don't consider him a 'good' man. He's not completely awful, as in he could be a lot lot worse. He does have redeeming qualities, but I'd have to think for a minute to tell you what they are.. if you know what I mean? It's hard to explain.

I suppose your second question doesn't really apply but it's not something I think about that much. I've been with my partner since we were teens and I'd be extremely surprised if he cheated (I realise all women probably say this). It definitely hasn't affected how much I trust him if that's what you mean.

And yes, I have. It's really interesting that you asked because I haven't thought about it like that before. I've never compared the two situations. I've always felt sad for his first wife but not to the level that I felt for the person in my own life who went through the same. I suppose that's because I wasn't there and don't know her, but still something to think on.

I don't think it's caused me any problems. Perhaps if the dynamics were different I'd have a closer relationship with his first two daughters.
As I previously mentioned we aren't close at all and I don't even really class them as my siblings. Calling them my 'sisters' feels wrong.

My mum had 3 children from her previous marriage, she was divorced when she met my dad. My dad had his 2. There's a really big age gap between their older children and me. When asked, I'd freely say I'm the youngest of 4 (my mums 4) I've never thought of myself as the youngest of 6 which is technically what I am.

Occasionally people describe my mums older children as my 'half' siblings which is jarring, as it doesn't feel that way at all despite none of them having any relationship with my dad whatsoever.

Gosh aren't families weird! It doesn't make sense typing it out, but it's just the way it is for us.

No backlash from his ex wife. I met her once when I went with my dad to help his eldest daughter move into a new house. I remember feeling nervous to see her because I thought she probably hated me.

Him and his eldest daughter had a good relationship for years, they don't anymore after a very big falling out over their shared business. They've been completely NC for about a decade.

The other one he still sees occasionally, a few times a year I think. Interestingly her older child (his grandchild) is early 20's and doesn't see or speak to him. I imagine she 'sided' with her nana and doesn't want to know him now she's an adult. Fair enough I'd do the same. But an interesting example of the cheaters relationships way down the line can be impacted. Bet he didn't think of his grandkids not wanting to know him way down the line due to his actions!!

No relationship between dad and his first wife. The house moving thing described above was the first time he'd seen or spoken to her in years and years.

No relationship between my mum and first wife. I wouldn't be surprised if they'd never met or spoken to each other. Could be wrong, haven't asked. This all happened years before I was born.

The long term consequences that op mentions are things that people never consider and ought to he aware of. His grandchild isn’t interested in him.

it does sound a bit like your mum has got the booby prize being with him.

I can't answer fully because I've never asked her.

My mum is one of those people who has had a really hard life. She was a divorced single mum to 3 young children in the late 80's when they met. Her ex husband was violent and abusive so I'd say you're likely to be right.

I don't have a very closer relationship with either parent and we don't have many (any!) deep, meaningful or open conversations. I only really know what I have observed or experienced.

I partially agree. He's not the Disney dad, overly fun or affectionate type. He can be grumpy. They're in their 70's now so a different generation.

That being said, they've been married for 30 years, they have a mostly happy life. They've got through some very tough times, the death of a child and major business/financial stresses to name a few. They stayed together and supported each other.

Very interesting re the grandchild though. I really don't blame her.

Another interesting snippet is that his mum (my nana) was a devout catholic. She obviously didn't agree with adultery and didn't recognise divorce. She liked the first wife.
She didn't go to their wedding (it was a very quick reg office thing not a big party) and I don't think she ever met my mum. She didn't come to my christening I don't think which is odd, we had a nice relationship and my dad used to take me to see her of a weekend. She died when I was 8 but I have fond memories of her.
Safe to say she didn't approve.

Cheating doesn’t make a person bad person, FFS.

Cheating is a bad thing though. A man (or woman) with a spouse and children who cheats shows no thought to the consequences to those people they are supposed to love (especially their children), which makes them a selfish person at the very least.

That's a shitty question @Farahfawsett.

My youngest brother is essentially the OP. He's 22 years younger than me and when my Dad left my Mum there was a lot of fall-out.

My Dad's a good man who was the product of a boarding school education and a father who was a Japanese prisoner of war and my mother never met her father, he was a fighter pilot who died before VJ day. Her mother remarried to an officer in the East Africa Rifles and fucked off, leaving her with her grandmother.

They were both damaged by WWII.

They weren't parented by circumstance.

They didn't know how to make a marriage really.

I don't blame them.

Shit happens.